Posted by fxckfeelings on October 7, 2013
There’s a certain art to negotiation, especially when the discussion involves money; go too hardline, with a patronizing tone or, say, a shutdown government, or too soft, hesitating to stand up for your own financial needs, and you’re not going to make any headway. Worse, you could get incredibly angry, and money rage can be just as dangerous and useless as road rage, except with road rage, you still usually get somewhere. Better to avoid arguments about non-payments, regardless of how unfair or harmful they are, and if good advice and sweet reason don’t work, do what’s necessary to protect yourself while bringing conversation to a firm stop. If you can’t stop yourself from losing it over money, the only thing to shutdown is the conversation, then learn and move forward.
–Dr. Lastname
My daughter is supposed to be a grown-up—she graduated from college but now she’s living back home—and the other day I realized she hasn’t opened a credit card bill in three months. I said something to her, and she still did nothing, and then I was really worried about the mounting interest payments and her credit rating, so I told her I didn’t understand what she was doing and why she was being so irresponsible. She started crying and accused me of being mean and picking a fight, and then my husband asked me why I was attacking her. My goal is to stop this fighting and get my daughter to live up to her responsibilities.
You can’t help being worried, as a parent, when your daughter’s avoidant behaviors no longer just possibly result in suspensions or a visit from the principal, but in fines, a ruined credit rating, and worst of all, frequent collection agency calls. Adult problems, however, deserve adult talks, and a verbal spanking does not qualify; berating her for failed responsibilities usually doesn’t work.
The reason why is that, while she knows you’re right, she doesn’t know why she did it, and her helplessness will make her even more avoidant—of you, your advice, and the next batch of credit statements. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 30, 2013
Sometimes being overly-sensitive makes it hard to be centered and confident, and sometimes being insensitive makes it easy to be a brash, heartless jerk. If you happen to have the gift of sensitivity, don’t try to change yourself because it doesn’t bring you peace or happiness, or if you care about someone who doesn’t care about being careless, don’t try to change them into someone who does. Instead, work hard to consult your own values and learn how to manage a gift that often comes with a painful cost. Sadly, being good often makes you feel bad.
–Dr. Lastname
My brother never doubts himself and always thinks he’s right, even when he isn’t, and doesn’t care much if people are angry with him—usually, he doesn’t notice. That make him sound like a jerk, but really, I envy him, because I’m always quick to apologize, even when I haven’t done anything wrong, because I doubt myself. I also obsess about whether somebody hates me, and what I’ve done to deserve it, because I can’t shake the feeling that everything bad that happens is my fault. My goal is to figure out how to have his kind of confidence.
Watch out what you wish for, given that you see that your brother’s comfort with himself results from an insensitivity to the feelings of others, which is a major symptom of being a minor schmuck.
Yes, it would be nice if you suffered less from second-guessing, but self-doubt also makes you more tuned in to relationships, so you’re better able to judge and correct yourself if you do something wrong. If your brother doesn’t notice when people around him are mad, he’s also probably oblivious to the fact that he may have done something wrong (and it reads as schmuckish). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 23, 2013
Usually, we hear about the kind of Assholes™ that provoke deep fear and hatred, but, for reasons unknown, they often bind others to them with equally intense love. What can free you from this bond(age), over time, is not your ability to get even, get closure, or get your feelings out, but to keep yourself moving towards what you think is right until you finally have a life that is open to good people. As we always say, when there’s an Asshole™ in your life, expect a world of shit—but not one you have to live in forever.
–Dr. Lastname
I had been married for almost thirty years and over two years ago divorced my husband. The marriage had been physically and emotionally abusive. I have never been able to talk to my husband about the way I feel because I never knew what reaction I would get. All major decisions were made by him because he knew what was best. Early on in our marriage we bought a house but were evicted because of non-payment of mortgage. I had no idea what was going on but suspected that we were in financial trouble. It seems my husband wanted a particular lifestyle but didn’t have the money to sustain it. I work full-time and I felt I was playing a part in funding said new lifestyle. I watched him isolate me from this aspect of his life. There were many times I came home from work and barely a word was spoken between us. I resented it hugely and still do. We continued plodding along and every day we both grew unhappier. After a while I found out he was seeing another woman– he insisted they were friends, but he had to leave the marital home anyway because we were fighting and he was forced to leave by the police. Since the divorce there has been sporadic contact, more so this past year. On occasion I have gone out for a drink with him, but I cannot understand why I do this. Quite recently we went for a trip together, but when we got back he didn’t contact me for a month. I have a lot of anger and resentment towards him. How do I stop this destructive behavior? I hate to hurt people and I’m always trying to please others before myself. I don’t want to hurt my ex-husband, but I feel I can’t say no to him and I do actually feel sorry for him. I don’t love him because he has been an out and out pig towards me. I feel incredibly hurt by his behavior towards me. I am so confused.
Sadly, according to the laws of emotional gravity, some people with little self-regard are like satellites that can be trapped by a more emotionally massive person. Regardless of how badly or unfairly they’re treated or how angry they feel, they can’t imagine disagreeing confidently or walking away and out of their pull.
Like children with abusive parents (which many of them were), they don’t feel they have the authority or power to judge, declare their independence, or leave. The intense need of a child for a parent keeps them enslaved, angry, and bound. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 15, 2013
If Shakespeare was right and a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, then a mental illness, no matter how it’s diagnosed, will always mean you feel sort of nuts. If you want to know what’s wrong with you, receiving a diagnosis feels very important, even if it sometimes leaves you yearning for something better, or resenting being labeled in the first place. The truth is that many diagnoses do little more than satisfy the irrational human need to exert magical control by naming whatever is painful and scary. So, when faced with symptoms that frighten you, don’t pay too much attention to the diagnosis; instead, find out what it says about your chance of getting better and the possible benefit and risks of treatment. Remember, it’s easier to deal with the unknown—and keep smelling the roses—when you don’t pretend to know more than you do.
–Dr. Lastname
I have a quick question but a lasting problem. I went to the doctor recently to talk about my roller-coaster emotions. She told me that I was manic-depressive with bipolar tendencies. I just want to ask you, since you went to Harvard, what the fuck does this mean?
Sadly, even with my Harvard-ified shrink expertise, I can’t tell you what the meaning of having a “manic depressive” or “bipolar” diagnosis is, because that’s for you to determine, not your shrink, this shrink, or anyone else. That’s because the diagnosis doesn’t add much meaning to what you already know about yourself and your roller-coaster moods.
So if your lows are crushing or your highs make you act like a nut, then you have good reason to get help in managing your mood, but the decision is up to you. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 19, 2013
It’s easy to know and describe what it’s like to be physically out of sorts—usually, Nyquil or a triage kit are in order—but when you’re losing it mentally, things get a lot more complicated. In some cases, it’s uncomfortable and can’t go away soon enough, while for others, it’s great and not something they even see as a problem. Good or bad, however, it’s easier to identify and understand, at least to the person experiencing it, if you remind yourself that a state of mind is only a state of mind. So whether or not you can change it, or believe it’s worth changing, it’s always worth remembering that there are more important things. Your job is to make the most of your state of mind, even if you can never fully make sense of it, without letting your brain run your life (and body) off the rails.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know how to begin…It’s really strange because I’ve never felt like talking to a psychiatrist, but now that I’m trying to, I realize how much I may need one. I’ve been trying to find one of my, of what I realize now, many fucked up aspects to talk about. Why do we bottle things up? Why do we make the bad things the deepest parts of our lives? Happy moments are like listening to the Beatles, short and like being on acid or running through a meadow…or both. But melancholy sits inside like Joni Mitchell or Jeff Buckley, if you let it. I guess my point is that I am terrified that I am going to have Virginia Woolf or Sylvia Plath’s life. Almost everyone in my family has mental issues. My brother tried to kill himself this year, my grandparents are the lovable nut-bags, my father had anger issues during my childhood… and I got the diagnosis from my doctor this year that I am depressive with bipolar tendencies. It’s terrifying to get a name for the way you are. I have so many. I wish it was duchess sunshine awesome, but you know… I guess what I came here for was to say that I don’t know how to express my emotions, should I bottle them up? Or should I just let myself go? My goal is to be a little clearer.
We don’t have the power to diagnose people over the internet, but when we get letters from people fretting over psychiatric diagnoses we usually feel comfortable diagnosing those diagnoses.
So, assuming you do have the familial tendency to be depressed, have mood swings, and, presumably, be creative, you don’t have to have a fucked-up life, nor do you have to stifle your creativity.
What you will have to do, however, is work at keeping your perspective when you’re hurting with depression and everything seems to suck while not letting your diagnosis frighten or shock you. After all, a doctor has merely put a label on what was always there, meaning you now know there are techniques that can help you deal with what’s been ailing you. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 15, 2013
As feelings go, envy is an amazing two-fer—by hating others for having what you want and yourself for wanting it, you accomplish twice the useless negativity in half the time. Luckily, we’re here to remind you that feeling envious and like a loser seldom has anything to do with being a loser, just that you’re down on yourself for failing to perform, or are flooded with memories of all the times you came up short. So don’t let envious loser feelings have very real, negative effect on relationships, beginning with the one you have with yourself. Until someone finds a cure for that evil/efficient feeling—and better performance isn’t usually the answer—you need to remember what you value, other than high performance, so that your feelings of being a loser can never persuade you that you are one.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m going through one of my regular bouts of deep unhappiness, and there is a common cause to each bout—I am useless at everything. The problem is made worse because I have a partner who is so talented and brilliant at everything that I want to be talented and brilliant at. We do the same work (same company) and his feedback from clients is fantastic. He has a huge and positive impact on people generally. He also likes to write and is better at that than me. So I feel rather pathetic and that I have no strengths or skills or talents. It’s always been this way (since my teens—I am now verging on middle age!) only now I have a mirror reflecting back all the things I want to be and yet lack. I’m not sure how to get beyond this enduring sense of being a rather worthless human being.
Envy is a tough feeling to live with, particularly for those who are both particularly envious and ambitions. For them envy is like carbs; if it isn’t turned into fuel, pushing them forward, it clings to them and weighs them down.
Given that few envious people actually get to surround themselves with people who have less than they do, those not propelled by envy feel as trapped as someone in skinny jeans at Thanksgiving dinner, seldom able to escape or satisfy their misery-making feelings. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 5, 2013
When someone attacks you because they’re hurt, you have no choice but to enter an emotional battle dome. If you care too much, you’ll feel cornered, attack them back, and you’re an asshole for being mean. On the other hand, if you back off, they’ll feel more hurt, and you’re an asshole for not caring enough. Either way, if you attempt retaliation, the situation will become “two angry people enter, only one sulks away.” Instead, develop your own rules for doing right by your friends and responding to grievances. Then, even if they can’t stop feeling hurt, you can do what’s right without acting more like the jerk they think you are, and leave the battle dome unscathed.
–Dr. Lastname
My wife and I get along very well most of the time, which is a good thing, because we run a business together. Typically, however, when we have fights, it’s not easy for either one of us to get over them. Recently, I said something she thought was demeaning, and she blew up at me in front of our friends. A day or so later I thought it over and apologized, because she was right, but she said that wasn’t enough and that she just about had enough of me. Then that reminded me of all the times she had acted like an asshole and I put up with it, but I don’t want to start the fight up again by reminding her of all those times and, at the same time, I hate that she’s huffy and threatening to leave. I was big enough to apologize, so she should be, too. My goal is to have a better marriage and not fight so much, which I think means getting her to play fair.
In a traditional shakedown, you’re offered your money or your life. In a partnership, however, the threat isn’t delivered in a dark alley but a well-lit bedroom, and it’s a lot more fraught; you’re offered the choice between your marriage or your pride.
It certainly would be better, if you’re sensitive to criticism, to have married someone who doesn’t hold grudges and isn’t too sensitive, but that’s obviously not what happened. Thankfully, your wife has other good qualities that have kept you together for many years and allowed you to be good business partners. Putting your marriage before her win, however, isn’t one of them. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 1, 2013
Self-confidence, like humility, is least often felt by those who deserve it most—call it the Trump theory of confidence conservation, with the baselessly-smug balancing out the needlessly self-doubting. Instead of paying attention to feelings of self-assurance, decide whether you or others have done their best, given what’s available. If so, try to act on that judgment, regardless of how you feel or how much confidence you encounter. Then you’ll do right by yourself and feel good about it, but not Donald-good, if you know what’s good for you.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know what to make of my wife’s efforts to find a job. When we married two years ago, she had a good job and enough money to take care of herself, but then she was put on probation—it didn’t bother her—and, since getting fired, she doesn’t seem to be trying hard to find new work. She knocks herself out to help me with errands, but then she always eats out for lunch and spends her time shopping with money she doesn’t really have. She doesn’t look worried, but I can’t get a straight story out of her about her budget or savings, and I’m beginning to worry what will happen when the money runs out. That includes my money, because I can’t afford to support the two of us indefinitely, particularly with her level of spending. I don’t want to undermine her confidence, which she obviously has lots of, or to mess up a loving relationship, but I’m afraid of what will happen if I say nothing. So what should I say?
Some people have an unshakeable confidence in themselves but shouldn’t, and for them, there is little solace. Everybody worries about people with low self-esteem, but for those with excessive self-esteem, the world is a cold place. On the other hand, they have so much faith in themselves, they don’t care.
Those with excessive self-esteem don’t necessarily suffer from too much pride or big egos, or deny some truth they don’t want to face. They just don’t see how fucked up they are because they believe they’re completely capable, and it prevents them from doing anything about their problems. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 25, 2013
The phrase, “when the going gets tough, the tough get going,” is a bit unclear; after all, in a tough situation, you can either buckle down and get more focused or just give up and get going outta there. Trying harder or just giving up both give us a sense of control, but no matter where the tough go, either choice can easily make things worse. So when life becomes difficult, first assess the odds that more work will yield more positive results. Then, if there’s no way out of a tough spot, respect yourself for what it takes to eat shit and stay put. And no matter what, always make careful use of your clichés.
–Dr. Lastname
I know my adult daughter is a terrible avoider and procrastinator—she struggled all throughout school, and only graduated from college with a lot of help—but she made great progress a year ago after we developed a schedule and daily to-do list, and she was very good about using me as her coach. After her last lay-off, however, she lost steam and started looking depressed—she stopped getting up on time, keeping up with her calls, getting exercise, going through her mail, etc. She’s not totally incapacitated and we still talk every day, but she’s vague about what she’s actually accomplished. I’m thinking we should start over and develop a new system for evaluating what she needs to do and tracking whether she’s done it. When I talk with her about starting a new system, however, she gives me more vague answers, which leaves me frustrated and very, very worried. I’ve got to find some way to push her or she’ll never get going and then it will become more and more difficult for her to resume her career. She’s almost 30, and I can’t push her forever.
Throughout time, humans have developed useless-yet-comforting rituals to ease us through hopeless situations; from ducking and covering through a nuclear blast to stocking up on duct tape during an orange alert, there’s nothing like an empty ritual to distract you from the fact that, ultimately, you’re totally fucked.
As such, the good news is, you’ve done everything right by your daughter to help her manage procrastination by drawing up a schedule and to-do list and offering to track them with her. The bad news is that all those positive steps sometimes lead nowhere, and trying to figure out a new system at such a time might be about a useful as hiding under a desk to avoid a mushroom cloud. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 22, 2013
If you’ve ever driven in bad weather and started to lose control of your car, you know that your instincts, for better or worse, are to panic and let the wheel spin where it may or grip the wheel with white knuckles and try to overpower nature itself. Sadly, a lot of people react the same way when tragedy sets their own lives skidding off course, and no matter how much you understand their pain, you can’t stop them when they begin to slide. If that happens, however, to someone you share a life with, you may be able to straighten them out by following through on your own priorities and assuring them that your way, and your support, will help them retake their place at the wheel.
–Dr. Lastname
I know he can’t help it, but my husband has become a control freak and I can’t stand it. It started when our daughter was born with cystic fibrosis. She’s has been in an out of the hospital her whole life and the stress for us as parents is often overwhelming. My husband does an amazing job of keeping us organized and getting our daughter to her appointments—he was going to be a stay-at-home dad even before she got sick—but he’s also become overbearing and picky about everything we do, especially everything I do, which isn’t the way he was when we first married. I hate to criticize him when I know what’s driving him crazy and our first priority is sticking together, but I find I’m angry at him all the time and sad that we can never be close. Just because I’m not as obsessive as he is about our daughter doesn’t mean I don’t care. What can I do?
Let’s assume, for the moment, that you’ve gone through your best attempts to get your husband to see that he has become too controlling; you’ve tried to find him an ear, show him respect, and done everything short of shaking him really hard, all to no avail. In his campaign to control everything, he can’t control himself.
While getting physical is always a bad idea, so is trying to get persuasive. Instead, use your modest powers to draw the line and give him a hard time if he crosses it. This is the only way to find out whether he’s can learn to hold back for the sake of your marriage, or whether you need to put your marriage on hold. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
