Posted by fxckfeelings on March 19, 2015
The issue of control—what you’re responsible for controlling (not much), whether it’s possible (not often), and what happens when you try (not good)—is a frequent topic around here. Our frequent negativity is due to the fact that people often try to control something they can’t, be it in themselves or others, while they should instead be trying harder to control their response to their helplessness. Fact is, the inability to control something doesn’t mean that you’ve failed, but that that something can’t be controlled, period, so redefine your responsibilities instead of pursuing the control you wish you had but never (ever) will.
–Dr. Lastname
Since my father died unexpectedly last month, I’ve found myself bursting into tears without warning, and I know it’s upsetting my children. We were all close to him, but he and I had a special bond, and his death has left a huge hole in my life. I’ve never felt anything like this before—he’s the first person close to me that I’ve lost, and lost suddenly—and I’ve never lost control like this in front of the kids. My wife says grief is natural, but I’m worried that I’m really acting crazy and scaring them, and I just can’t stop. My goal is to get a grip before I hurt my kids.
While the pain of grief, like depression, is uncontrollable, what you do with it isn’t; some people ease the pain with booze, hibernation, and/or memorial tattoos. It doesn’t make a lot of sense then that you’re beating yourself up for some tears.
You’re not making bad judgments due to your grief, but, instead of expecting to get rid of it or hide it, ask yourself what your goals should be to manage it. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 16, 2015
For most people, or at least those that aren’t evil, cyborgs, and/or hardcore Libertarians, it’s instinctive to want to help someone close to us when they’re down on themselves and their lives. Unfortunately, it’s also instinctive to want to hurt those same people if they won’t hear your advice or are faking helplessness in the first place. Avoid wasting time, effort, and needless anger by not feeling obliged to repeat help that isn’t really helpful. You may be more helpful by reminding them of their choices, assuming they have the strength to cope with them, and reminding yourself that being a not-cyborg doesn’t mean you can help everyone.
–Dr. Lastname
My baby brother is having a tough time with his wife, and he’s willing to tell me how her drinking is screwing up their family, but it’s amazing how quickly he can go from talking shit about her to defending her if I even tried to agree with him. Not that I would ever try or tell him to leave, because he always tends to do the opposite of what I suggest, anyway (just in general, but especially when it comes to her). Plus he really loves her and thinks he can change her, so he keeps on telling me what he told her and how it ended in a big fight, and then I think to myself how not surprising her reaction is and how she’s never going to change, but I just have to bite my tongue. I’m getting really sick of hearing about how crazy she makes him, and even more sick of not being able to say anything. My goal is to get him to see that she’s ruining his life before his endless bitching ruins mine.
You may feel you’re being called on to provide emotional support for your brother, given all the emotion he lays upon you. Unfortunately, given his reaction to your attempts at support, you think he doesn’t want your honest thoughts as much as he just wants a captive audience.
Were he to let you help him with his problems, you could tell him you feel his pain, second his assertions, and, given your level of empathy, tell him what you would do. It would be a win-win reaction, because you could help him to both feel better and change the subject.
Unfortunately, your brother doesn’t seem to want your help or to stop bitching, and, like you said, you don’t want to hear it anymore. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 12, 2015
Life is unavoidably dangerous, whether you’re working, dating, or going to a dog show. Instead of getting patriotic and building up your personal arsenal, learn to protect yourself with your mental ability to identify and manage risk. You may decide you can keep yourself safe by being more exacting or by being less obsessive; either way, respect the value of your own standards after weighing your responsibilities and resources. Danger is always there, but considering the risks, not trying to kill them, is your best defense.
–Dr. Lastname
I’d like to find a committed partner, especially now that marriage is legal for me and mine, but I’ve just finished a period of intense dating that has left me with a strong desire to be alone. The guys I was dating weren’t bad, crazy, or nasty, they just weren’t that interesting, so even though I knew it wasn’t going to work, I always felt bad about hurting their feelings and cutting things off too quickly, and it all wore me out. My suspicion is that I really should be trying harder and meeting more guys instead of going on too many dates with guys I’m not that into, but I can’t find the energy. I’m not sure whether my goal is to do more dating or just resign myself to being a single guy.
Trying to fix an already busy search for a partner by asking yourself to spend more time dating seems like an odd fix; it’s like trying to make a tough struggle to lose weight easier by sampling more food so you can understand why you can’t eat it. It’s a good strategy for making you want to give up altogether.
The problem isn’t that you’re not putting yourself out there enough, but that you’re not putting your many dates under enough scrutiny; your goals have become reactive to other people’s feelings and not your own priorities. In an effort to protect your dates’ hearts, you’re punishing yourself. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 26, 2015
Between for-profit education and for-bullshit accreditation, it’s harder than ever to figure out who’s actually knowledgeable and who just has access to a printer. It’s just as hard to figure out your own level of expertise when you have to weigh in on personal matters; being an outsider gives you better perspective, even if it makes you wonder whether you belong, but being an insider can ruin your perspective, even though it makes you feel connected and close. Either way, take perspective whenever you can get it and don’t blame yourself if you must sacrifice comfort and closeness in the process. You may not be a certified expert, but your opinion will be valuable nonetheless.
–Dr. Lastname
My immediate family has never been easy, in part because my parents went in for favoritism— dad adored my sister and mom my brother while I had to fend for myself. Now we are middle-aged and they are old and infirm and my father is ill. This has set off a toxic dynamic between my siblings who are having furious rows and exchanging horrible insults over the burden of our parents’ care. I travelled 400 miles to visit them and my sister walked out of our parents’ home at 2 am and found a hotel after a shouting match (which I stayed out of). Even though I did not have a happy childhood and was nobody’s favorite, I do wish to help them through their final days without being caught up in the warlike dynamic that my father’s impending death seems to have unleashed. My goal is to balance the demands of my own life, be a good daughter to my dying father and confused elderly mother, and avoid being drawn into the rivalry of my younger siblings who were both favored over me.
Kids who feel like losers are often comforted with the promise that it’s the outsiders who grow into the most successful adults; whether you’re talking about surviving high school or a tough home life, the popular kids peak early, and the weirdoes wait longer to achieve much more.
Your outsider upbringing might not have brought you wealth or an Oscar, but it has given you more strength and perspective than your more popular siblings could understand.
Your siblings’ closeness to your parents might have been a gift when you were kids, but it can become a liability at this stage if it also gives them an unlimited sense of responsibility for your parents’ welfare, and also plays into a blaming sibling dynamic. They end up mad at themselves, and at each other, for not doing a better job.
It’s an impossible position for anyone to put themselves in because there are obviously times when you can’t take care of your parents, or when the best care in the world can’t spare them from the pain and deterioration of aging. If you don’t know the limits of your responsibility, there’s no end to the guilt you can impose on yourself or those whom you feel aren’t doing their fair share.
Instead of feeling endlessly burdened by your parents’ decline or angry at your siblings for not doing enough, you can stay focused on helping out and staying civil. Perhaps your parents’ neglect wasn’t heartless, but an ingenious way of preparing you to be the one child able to stay positive and avoid a meltdown at just the time when they most need to feel that the family is calm and united.
Celebrate the wisdom and skills you’ve gained as a family outsider who had to take care of herself. Then share your wisdom with your siblings by respecting your own contribution to your parents’ support and showing little inclination to judge theirs. Show pleasure in their company and regret for the fact that no amount of support can make your parents’ lives much easier.
Being nobody’s favorite seems to have helped you to be kinder and less reactive than your siblings. If you stand by your goals of being helpful and avoiding conflict then your parents will benefit, perhaps your brother and sister will learn from your example, and you’ll achieve more than most people, cool or uncool, ever do.
STATEMENT:
“I feel like I was never embraced by my family and that what’s left is disintegrating, but I have my own ability to maintain positive relationships and will not let fear and guilt drag me into conflict.”
I love and support my daughter in almost all things—she’s my only child, and the one good thing my piece of shit ex-husband ever gave me—but she and I are fighting all the time these days because I told her that marrying her boyfriend is a bad idea. After the bloodbath of a divorce she lived through with her father and me, I thought she’d never consider marriage, ever, but now she’s really set on marrying this guy and really upset that I can’t support it. I know they’ve been dating for a long time, that he’s never hurt her, and that they aren’t doing this for any obviously stupid reasons. But for whatever reason, I don’t totally trust this guy, and I don’t think it’s worth the risk. My goal is to get my kid to respect my insight instead of fighting with me and ending up heartbroken.
Protecting your child from harm is certainly part of a parent’s job, and your bad marriage gave you good reason to regard marriage as painful and potentially harmful. As kids grow up, however, your ability to protect them diminishes, as does your responsibility to do so. So no, you can’t always stop them from making mistakes and suffering, but you can stop feeling responsible while continuing to help them learn from the things that go wrong along the way.
If you make yourself responsible for your daughter’s marital choice, you will fight with her, hurt your relationship, and drive her into the arms of a guy you don’t trust. Instead, remind yourself that her boyfriend is her business; your job is to teach her how to screen a partner for trustworthiness and learn from mistakes.
Begin by asking yourself what you learned from your broken marriage, putting aside your feelings of anger and betrayal. Pay attention to the information you had at your disposal when you first married your husband: what you knew about his reliability, behavior in past relationships, and trustworthiness. Don’t fault yourself for being overly trusting or foolish back then, just ask yourself whether you were diligent in looking at or uncovering evidence of his trustworthiness.
Without bad-mouthing your ex, share your wisdom with your daughter regarding good methods for doing a complete pre-partnership investigation into trustworthiness and compatibility. Don’t argue with her about whether her boyfriend is a good guy, because she needs to figure that out herself.
Feel free to disagree, if necessary, about her methodology or data interpretation, but don’t close yourself off to the possibility that you may be overly critical of her boyfriend and somewhat biased against the institution of marriage altogether. What was wrong for you might not be wrong for her, especially if she’s given her decision careful thought.
Your goal isn’t to get her to respect your insight into her boyfriend’s character, but to respect her own ability to observe behavior and understand what it means. As long as she can learn from your mistakes, as well as her own, your discussions will strengthen your relationship as her chief coach and booster and help her find a good partner (or at least one much better than her dad).
STATEMENT:
“I don’t have good feelings about my daughter’s current boyfriend, but I will urge her to gather objective evidence and weigh it realistically without letting our disagreements become personal.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 19, 2015
Traditionally speaking, young people have always been impulsive by nature, but only recently have they given their philosophies acronyms, e.g., YOLO, FOMO, etc. (If you’re over fifty, these mean “You only live once” and “Fear of missing out.”) While it is true that you don’t live twice and that missing out on things is sad, focusing on these thoughts is often not helpful, particularly if you’re trying to make a mature decision. Sometimes you need to make up your mind and stick to it, FOMO be damned, and other times you should rethink a decision that feels right and consider standing down, because YOLO has a point. Either way, don’t feel guilty if a decision doesn’t come to mind or if later events cause you to reverse yourself. What counts in the long run is not whether you appear decisive; if your decisions promote good consequences that reflect your values, then you need not fear possible regret.
–Dr. Lastname
For the last eight months or so leading up to my 40th birthday, I have been bugged by the awareness that although I am not sure if I want a kid or not, the clock is ticking, and it worries me that the decision will be taken through lack of decision-making. Yes, I should discuss it with my husband but somehow I can’t get the words to come out. Perhaps I am stalling because of what he might say (I have imagined it either way and both are scary). I think we both have the makings of good parents, but we’ve never really been like other “proper grown-ups.” We have talked about it a few years ago and he was like “it’s up to you”… I think neither of us wants to be the one to pressure the other. Now I am just confused and mildly panicked. My goal is to find the courage to have a big grown up conversation and move forward, whatever decision we arrive at.
There are a lot of fun, contradictory human instincts, i.e., the way people feel compelled to get others to smell or taste something bad, or the way they merge at the last second to avoid traffic, thereby creating yet more traffic and filling less evil drivers with rage (ahem).
Less insidiously, there’s the way people avoid dealing with the most important decisions and leave them up to fate, the least reliable arbitrator of all.
You’re so spooked that you can’t even come up with an opinion on the subject; deciding how you feel about having children shouldn’t begin with a conversation with your husband, unless you want him to make up your mind for you, particularly since he’s told you he’s OK with whatever you decide. With the pressure of having a major decision on behalf of two people, it’s no wonder you’re stuck. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 16, 2015
Some medical issues can be resolved quickly, but most of the serious ones aren’t that easy; for every temporary infection and sprain, there’s the eternity of diabetes and, of course, mental illness. Just because your crazy isn’t going away, however, doesn’t mean you can’t try to figure out how to lead a sane life anyway. And if you can get your crazy under control, you have to stay vigilant in order to keep it that way. So don’t try for control that is perfect or permanent; that’s as farfetched as a cure. Prepare to take one drug and one symptom at a time until you know what you have to deal with and what works best for the long run. Even if you can never cure the pain, you don’t have to let it be an overwhelming pain in the ass.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m not depressed any more, but going to the hospital and taking medication didn’t change the fact that my wife looks at me in a different way than she used to, and she spends more time at the gym, where there’s a handsome trainer who knows her name. She says I’m crazy and paranoid because this guy’s gay and just being friendly and, after twenty years of raising the kids, she’s too tired to mess around anyway, but I know what I see. And there have been signs in the way she seems happier and sweatier when she gets home from working out and her sweat smells more manly than feminine. My goal is to get someone to see that it’s more than coincidence, and that I have good reason to feel she can’t be trusted, and I’m not just nuts.
The paradox of feeling paranoid is that validating your fearful suspicions is what you both crave and dread the most. If you’re right, then you’re not crazy, but neither are your worst fears; your sanity may be intact, but your world would be destroyed.
Having those fears invalidated isn’t so hot, either, because it means that you can trust the world around you, but your own brain is suspect. So if proving and disproving your suspicions will always end badly, learn how to give less weight to those nagging thoughts in the first place. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 12, 2015
We often say that being anxious has its benefits; after all, if you didn’t have nervous genes, your ancestors wouldn’t have been on edge enough to notice that angry mammoth by the watering hole and you wouldn’t be here today. Anxiety doesn’t work, however, if you’re so stressed that you can’t get the nerve to even leave your cave, or if you refuse to see a problem because it’s stressful and insist the charging mammoth is just a big happy dog. In any case, don’t let the unpleasant nature of stress push you to obsess over it or ignore it; learn to evaluate danger, whether you feel stressed or relaxed, and you’ll become better at both protecting yourself and appreciating the security you’ve created. Hopefully, your ancestors will appreciate your efforts.
–Dr. Lastname
I feel that nothing in my life is going in a good direction. I’ve learned an immense amount from my former båsusiness partner—she cashed out last spring–but I don’t think I’m that good at sales without her strategy behind me, so I’m short of money, as usual. The business itself is valuable, so I’m not out on the street yet, but I’m not eager to sell because every single one of these jokers making offers can’t be trusted not to ruin everything I worked so hard to create. Basically, I don’t see anything working out, and I don’t see what I can do about it except lose everything and die penniless. My goal is to figure out how to get out of this trap.
If pessimists see the glass as half-empty and optimists see it as half-full, anxious/depressive people see it as evidence that they’re failures who ruin everything they touch. And that’s true even if the glass is full to the brim, because they can see evidence of their worthlessness in anything if they squint hard enough.
My guess is that you’re good at many things, but self-assessment isn’t one of them. You may not feel anxious or depressed, but you’re describing the same sort of distorted perspective. After all, most people who start and own their own successful business feel trapped. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 5, 2015
Humiliation may cut like a knife, but it’s more like a double-edged sword when it comes to problem solving. Sometimes it warns you that you’re doing something wrong when you’d be otherwise oblivious, but it can also sometimes frighten you needlessly when you’ve really done everything right. Keep your mind and skin intact by not letting humiliation stop you from judging your own actions, taking credit for your actual accomplishments, and making changes if you think they’re necessary. Only a fool would do otherwise.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m in my 40s and in pretty good health, but I’ve had problems with my memory after hitting my head on the ice a year ago, and it’s driving me crazy. At work, I just can’t remember whether I told or asked someone something before, so I hesitate to speak up and then wrack my brain trying to figure out what I actually said and did because I’m so afraid of humiliating myself or looking weak. I’ve gone from being confident and outspoken to quiet and timid, and people wonder what’s wrong with me. I’ve asked my doctor to check out my memory and see if I need treatment, because I’m too young to be going senile. My goal is to do whatever is necessary to function properly and stay on top at work.
Whether you work at a fancy brokerage or the Burger King drive-thru, most of us rely on quick recall at our jobs, particularly if we want to impress a group of fast-talking peers, ace an interview with an employer or client, or just avoid getting reassigned to bathroom captain.
It’s not surprising then that your concussion-induced memory problem has triggered anxiety and self-doubt. From what you don’t say, however, it doesn’t seem like slow recall has impaired your ability to actually hold your job, just to impress while doing it. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 2, 2015
We’ve said many times that it rarely feels right to do the right thing, and vice versa; that’s why making a smart commitment can feel horrifying while using heroin can feel super terrific. So when you have a tough decision to make, don’t pay too much attention to how comfortable your choice makes you, or those around you, feel. Consult your values and do what’s right, and prepare to live with discomfort if that’s what being smart/sober requires.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m very happy with my marriage, and my wife isn’t pressuring me to have children, but I know she’d like them and time is running out. I have nothing against having kids—we’ve got enough money, and there’s nothing I think is more important in my life—but I’ve always been anxious, and I know that having kids will make me even more stressed out. I’ll always be worrying that we’re doing the wrong thing, because that’s the way my mind works. My wife thinks I’ll be OK, but I know that my self-doubts never stop. My goal is to figure out a way I can be comfortable having kids.
Very few people know with 100% clarity that it’s time to have kids, and most of those have an outside source, from a cult leader to a positive pregnancy test, making the call for them. Since very few anxious people are ever 100% sure about anything, however, not even a fetus or a Svengali is guaranteed to set your mind straight.
As you describe yourself, you’ve always been too stressed to think about what you’d like to do, focusing more on your worry about whether or not you’ll do things wrong. That may make it hard for you to get enthusiastic about starting a family (or anything else, for that matter). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 26, 2015
Evaluating a conflict within a relationship is a lot like doing detective work; sometimes a case is solved easily with nothing more than the broad strokes, and other times every particle of DNA is a necessary part of the puzzle. In relationships, big disputes over basic issues don’t require examining detail, whereas minor spats over specific matters necessitate the full “CSI: Marriage” treatment. No matter how thorough the required investigation, evaluate your needs and actions so that you can get the evidence to close the case for good.
–Dr. Lastname
FYI, I’ve had a rough life, but I’ve have enlisted the help of a therapist to help me get over the hurdles holding me back. Now my long term boyfriend (not fiancé or husband) has pushed me to breaking point with his selfish behavior, so after three years of making excuses for him, I finally ended our relationship. He wants back in– I don’t trust him anymore based on his actions, but he is begging to show me that he understands where he has gone wrong and is trying to change. I’m thinking, “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me,” but these fucked up feelings for him are weighing on me and I can’t bring myself to let go. With an intelligent brain full of patterns to recognize, and if given a sharp wake up call, is he capable of changing his behavior enough to warrant me giving him another shot? Or should I listen to my own intelligence and kick his ass to the curb? My goal is to strengthen my instincts enough to recognize people I don’t need in my life and increase the size of my cojones enough to say enough is enough.
It would be easier to evaluate your ex’s worthiness if you’d given a more detailed inventory of his crimes, but deciding whether or not to stay with someone or take them back has a lot less to do with what exactly they’ve done wrong and more with what you expect any worthy partner to do right.
Your ex could have lied, cheated and stolen, or he could have just hogged the DVR and forgotten to squeegee the shower door; the process for figuring out what to do with him/for you is exactly the same.
Of course, you may also feel like your stubborn love for him should be factored in, but, not surprisingly, we find that smart decision-making and feelings rarely mix. So if you’re trying to decide whether to restart a relationship that failed because of your ex-partner’s bad behavior, do a top to bottom review of what you want, what went wrong, and what evidence you see that he has the motivation and the ability to make the necessary changes. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
