Posted by fxckfeelings on May 10, 2012
Sometimes it hurts as much to win at love as it does to lose, and hurting always makes people wonder what they did wrong. In truth, hurt is a sign of growth, which is a good thing that just happens to feel bad; it’s worth it if it means finding a good partner in the end, and it can be a sign that you’ve made a tough choice or that you’re learning from a sad mistake. Do what’s necessary to learn and/or build a strong partnership, and if it hurts, just remember you’re doing something right.
–Dr. Lastname
I know my current boyfriend understands me much better than my old boyfriend did, and I value that tremendously. We have a great relationship and we’ll probably get married. What bothers me is that my old boyfriend was a terrific person, my family loved him, and we got along very well for 2 years, and then I broke his heart. I loved him; it just bothered me that he couldn’t quite understand me. And now, the happier I am with my new relationship, the guiltier I feel for my old boyfriend’s unhappiness and the more I wonder whether I had the right to dump such a nice person.
Feeling someone really understands you is a powerful force for sustaining friendship and partnership. That’s why some people, in order to justify dating someone too young or dumb, often convince themselves such connections exist.
You may be more attracted to someone from a different background who seems exotic and interesting, or someone with whom you constantly, passionately spar. In the end, feeling understood is part of what make you feel at home which, if you’re thinking of starting a home together, is a big deal. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 7, 2012
Particularly when you’re expecting to raise kids, there are good reasons to commit yourself to caring for your partner through thick and thin, sickness and health. What you should recognize from the beginning, however, is that uncontrollable, bad things can happen that can make a partnership dangerous and destructive to one or more family members and then it’s your responsibility, as an individual, to do what’s necessary. Mental and neurologic illness can change personalities and create overwhelming burdens. Unrecognized character problems are equally uncontrollable and can have a similar impact. When you take your vows, keep this in mind and remember, many people who divorce are trying to choose the least of the evils that face them and haven’t forgotten the promises they made.
–Dr. Lastname (Doctor only today– the writer half is under the weather)
When I was manic and crazy, I really fucked up my marriage. For 6 months, I was talking fast, flinging money around, drinking hard, sleeping with anyone I could catch, and generally acting like an asshole. The third time I went into the hospital, the doctors found a medication that worked and, since then, I’m back to my old self but my wife has decided it’s all over. She goes out without me whenever she can and acts like she’s angry whenever we’re together. I can understand her feelings, but she won’t accept my apology. For the last 6 months, I’ve shown her my old, reliable self, but I can’t win back her trust. The problem is my bad; I should be able to make it right.
We all want marital vows to overcome whatever bad things life throws at us, and so we promise to care for our partners through thick and thin, unconditionally.
What’s stupid about such promises, however, is that some of those bad things are the size of an asteroid and can wipe out any marriage, regardless of how strong the love and commitment, and feeling obliged to stick with vows that have no escape clauses can drive you crazy.
Yes, your wife should forgive you for having a manic episode: you couldn’t help it and the part you can help—taking your medication—you’re doing well. It takes courage to resume your life and face the people you know after the humiliation and chaos of acting like a crazy jerk.
The sad thing that can’t be helped isn’t your illness; it’s your wife’s reaction to it. I assume you and others have done all you can to educate her about it and you’ve had a good opportunity to show her what your values are and regain her confidence, now that you’re well again. If it hasn’t worked, it’s not because there’s something wrong with your approach: it’s probably because there’s something wrong with your wife’s character. She just doesn’t have the strength.
Look at her closely, and you’ll probably find she’s never had the strength, meaning that she’s never been able to keep a relationship going if it hurt her too much. That’s why it’s important, when looking for a partner, to find someone who’s shown an ability to stick by her friends and family regardless of hurt. It’s a quality that’s even more important than the fact that you love one another. Without it, you’re fucked. Now you know.
So don’t make yourself responsible for her reaction, as sad as it is. You didn’t cause your illness or give her the character she has. Don’t apologize. Don’t beg. Let her know you understand your illness put her through a very hard time, but that you’re confident that you’ve recovered and that you can again be a good partner. Maybe surviving this hard time has made you stronger and wiser. In any case, if she still wants the partnership, it’s hers; if not, you both need to move on.
You need someone strong who can still love you after a manic episode, and she needs someone lucky who doesn’t get sick.
STATEMENT:
“I feel like I destroyed my marriage and it’s my job to get it back, but I know I didn’t cause my illness, and I’m proud of the way I manage it. I can’t help it if my wife can’t tolerate it, but I know I need a wife who can.”
After her last hospitalization a year ago, my wife didn’t recover all that much, and she’s gradually become very different from the woman I married. Her psychiatrists tell me there’s no new treatment to try (she didn’t tolerate clozapine, which is the Hail Mary treatment for crazy thinking) and she’s probably not going to recover much more than she has now. She’s able to keep herself clean, but she still hears voices, looks befuddled, and thinks I’m spying on her for the FBI. She can do simple chores, but she’s very distractible. Most nights, she sleeps at her mother’s house because that’s where she’s most comfortable. I’ve got used to taking care of the kids on my own, and I can’t trust her with them when she’s around. I miss her terribly and I promised to stand by her in sickness and health, but I don’t know that I can stand this much longer. I feel bad about deserting her when she really can’t help it, but taking care of her and the kids is more than I can manage.
You sound like you’ve done all you can to help your wife recover from severe mental illness and it isn’t going to happen. Instead of blaming yourself or anyone else for her failed recovery, you’re facing it as a sad fact of life. What troubles you most is dealing with your marital vows to stick together through sickness and health.
Marital vows ignore the fact that some illnesses can destroy a family and present you with impossible choices. Most times, sticking together is manageable, better than the alternative, good for the kids, and the right thing to do. It’s not hard to imagine situations, however, when sticking with someone does no good for them, destroys your life, and is bad for the kids. No one likes to think of those things at a wedding, or ever.
Put aside your guilt long enough to ask yourself what she would expect of you if she were her old self and what you would expect of her if your positions were reversed. Assume that you both believe in standing by the one you love, but not if it does no good, or overwhelms the resources of the healthy partner, or endangers the kids and their future. Assess the impact she has on them and they on her. Take into account that she probably qualifies for social security/disability and may also be eligible for state services for the chronically mentally ill.
Don’t assume that the path that hurts most is the one that’s right. This is not a conflict between duty and pleasure or between selfless vows and selfishness. It’s a conflict between your responsibility to care for your wife and your assessment of the value of your sacrifice, the good it can do, and the harm it can cause to your other responsibilities.
Either way, it breaks your heart, but you have an administrative responsibility as the sole leader of the family and you need to do what will do the most good/least harm. Whatever you choose, respect yourself for bearing the burden of this choice.
STATEMENT:
“I feel like I can’t leave my marriage without breaking my vows and deserting my wife when she needs me most. I can’t help the fact that she’s no longer the same person and doesn’t get much from being married to me. I’ll try to weigh the competing ethical responsibilities and do the right thing, knowing there’s no way to do right without also causing harm.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 30, 2012
When someone’s decline/death leaves you with new responsibilities, it can be hard to grieve the way you’d like; either you’re too busy dealing with unsettled family and finance issues, or you’re too distracted by resentments and fears. It’s more important to sort out what you can and can’t do, then do what you can, than to get rid of negative feelings. In the long run, doing all you could, and doing right by the person who died, will be your greatest comfort.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m overwhelmed. I have been married for 25 years, the last ten or so have been strained—three years ago my husband was diagnosed with a progressive, terminal form of dementia. It affects his behavior and communication. We have 3 teens. I stayed home with the kids for 15 years because his job required him to be out of town for extended periods. Now I am working 2 jobs to try to keep up with our expenses. I have been seeing a therapist for 2 years who was helping me deal with the loss—and my reaction to loss, which is odd and inappropriate. Anyway, his office called yesterday to tell me he died. Where do I go from here? I feel so lost.
It sounds like you feel more than lost, and reading your description of events has us a little lost, as well. Still, while the details are hard to follow, the point is crystal clear and amazingly sad.
I may be reading too much into your words, but it does seem like the stress of raising three kids, working two jobs and dealing with the crazy responsibilities of living with dementia have burnt you out and left you spacy and dissociated, with “odd and inappropriate feelings.”
Dementia took your husband away bit by bit while loading you with more and more responsibilities, along with the fear of having to face dangerous and irritating situations without warning. Sadness is a relatively small burden compared to the fear, anger and guilt that people actually encounter.
Temporary detachment may have protected you from being overwhelmed by these feelings; hopefully his death will free you from some of this load and allow you to miss him.
In any case, don’t be critical of your emotions. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 23, 2012
Whenever you’re about to do something you feel you need to do, you’ve got to wonder whether it’s good for you. As any overweight person can tell you, we often need what we can’t have or shouldn’t get too much of, and “needs” (i.e., frosting) have a way of winning out over logic. So whether your needs are driven by depression or dreams of a better marriage, don’t let them shape your goals until you’ve asked yourself where they’ll lead, what matters most, and what you need to do to manage them. After all, the difference between a need and a want is a slippery, frosting-covered slope.
–Dr. Lastname
I constantly feel the black dog shadowing me. Mostly I can function and I pay it a gentle nod on my daily musings but every now and again the feeling is so great I want to slide on into the abyss. I may allow myself to indulge for a day or so but am careful to put in place an exit plan before I do (I know this place can feel so good but not really be good). It often takes great effort to avoid this feeling and even more so to get out of it. Lately I’ve been wondering if my approach is purely avoidance on my part rather than management. Does it really matter if it’s working? Yet I feel that slowly the effectiveness is waning and I seem to have a feeling of despair more often. Is it poor anxiety management driving the depression?
Your letter focuses so much on your subjective, “black dog” feelings of depression that I don’t know whether you A, feel seduced by the idea of taking time off to indulge sad ruminations, B, are low enough that you’re planning your suicide, or C, crave scones from the same-named bakery Martha’s Vineyard.
If the answer is B and you believe you are capable of harming yourself, you need to get away from the computer and into an emergency room right away. Since your letter doesn’t read as totally helpless (or New England-based), however, I’m going to assume the answer is A.
Your feeling-focused ambiguity leaves me (and you) uncertain as to whether your depressive time-outs are becoming worse or dangerous, by impairing your ability to work and sustain relationships. The answer is to be found in your actions, not your feelings; think less black dog, more black and white. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 19, 2012
Sure, it seems logical that love wouldn’t go from happy to hellish unless someone was doing it wrong, but that assumes that love brings out the best in people which, as any child of divorce can tell you, is far from the case. Trouble is, love has no power to improve personality deficits—just hide them from sight—so it’s easy to love someone who can’t be steady, accepting, or faithful. Instead of trying to save a failing relationship by figuring out who’s responsible for wrecking things, walk away, emerge from the underworld, and find someone who has what it takes before love even begins.
–Dr. Lastname
My father worked hard to support our family, but he never stops complaining about how hard his life has been and how he much he was disappointed by my mother, and his complaints really bother me. I guess my mother was more competent when they got married, but after my older sister was born she got depressed, took to her bed, and didn’t do much of anything for the next 20 years, which put a huge burden on the family finances. My parents stuck together and she’s able to work now, but my father has been complaining for as long as I remember. When I was a young adolescent, I’d try to console him, and then he’d get angry at me for criticizing my mother. Now when he starts to moan about his hard life, I have trouble not leaving the room. My goal is to get him to stop, or not have to listen to him.
No matter how much pain and guilt your father’s whining brings to his marriage, he’s never going to stop being a complainer. You can get him to stop complaining about your mother, but only by getting him to complain about you.
On the one hand, it’s unfortunate that he’ll never stop torturing you or your mother for giving him such a hard, sad life. On the other hand, you don’t have to accept his garbage notion that anyone is responsible for his hard, sad life in the first place. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 5, 2012
When you’re close to someone, it’s hard not to take their actions personally, and the relationship becomes even harder if you do. If they draw back, you ask yourself what you did to make them stop caring and whether or not you deserve their punishment. In reality, however, their actions usually have less to do with you and everything to do with their personalities, for better or worse. It’s your job to protect yourself from undeserved rejections and let-downs, not pile on the punishment. There will still be suffering, but it’s not personally inflicted, and if you learn something from the whole deal, it’s not in vain.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t believe my girlfriend dumped me after 5 years without even saying good-bye. I loved her deeply and we lived together for one of those years and we were dating right up to the end. It’s true, I got high and really belligerent at a party just before she stopped talking to me. I threw up all over her, but that happened just twice in our relationship, and I put up with worse from her, including the fact that she hated to work, never had any money, and dumped any of our friends who happened to irritate her. When I recovered from that last party, she wouldn’t answer my calls. My goal is to figure out how people can say they love you and then suddenly blow you off without caring enough to write a note.
The language of love, which you’re speaking, isn’t just sweet coos—it’s also bitter whines about broken promises and sudden reversals of feeling.
Switch back to your native tongue then, because speaking love-ese will teach you nothing but how to justify your victimhood and prolong your misery. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 26, 2012
Cancer that doesn’t kill you can nevertheless leave you with permanent damage and fears, but if you feel it’s necessary to reverse that damage or stop the fear before life re-starts, you’re taking on a fight with cancer you can’t win. Instead, try to remember the values you care about that apply to anyone and don’t depend on mental state or performance—being kind, doing your work, balancing your commitments—and take pride in pursuing them regardless. Now that you’re lucky enough to have a life after cancer, don’t allow cancer to run it or ruin it.
–Dr. Lastname
I am a 55-year-old mother, grandmother and graphic designer who was so, so, so lucky to have survived lung cancer seven years ago! But somehow in the process it has frozen me and I seem to have forgotten how to live. I mean there are dim memories and quiet, inside voices that keep pointing out my life is passing me by but I am frozen from action and I don’t know why or how. A small voice keeps looping, “Let your light shine” but again, I don’t know how. I also have fairly active rheumatoid arthritis but it’s not a big deal in comparison to lung cancer. What it mostly has meant is that I haven’t worked full-time for a few years so money is extremely tight and I want many things; mostly to travel, to be able to help my family financially, get a small house of my own…I’ve always been told that I’m artistically very talented but in reality I produce nothing anymore. What is wrong with me? Can you give me any clues or even one small place to start from? I don’t want to be hopeless and I feel that I’m not. I do still have hope but I keep drawing a blank on how to begin.
Based on what you’ve said, I suspect that, like many artists, you never used to have a problem structuring your own time because your creativity always did it for you. Inspiration begets motivation begets organization, etc.
If that’s true, then what’s troubling you now may be that you’ve lost that capacity, either as a result of depression or chemotherapy or both. You can still be creative, you just can’t do something about it as easily as you used to. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 22, 2012
Regardless of what you hear on TV about the power of exercise, fish oil, and Xenu, none of us has much control over the way we or our loved ones die. We beat death, not by postponing the inevitable, but by sustaining our most important priorities—love and commitments—in the face of helplessness, pain, and impending loss. In other words, we beat death in so much as we don’t let it take over our lives.
–Dr. Lastname
I love my wife and we’ve had a great 30 years together but, since her cardiac arrest during a heart attack, she hasn’t been the same. What I really hate is that, as much as I want to help her recover and prevent her from slipping back, she doesn’t seem to want to get better. I know she has some memory problems and isn’t steady on her feet, but her physiotherapist gave her a good set of exercises. Instead of doing them, however, she’s happy to stay in our bedroom all day and watch TV, often blowing off important medical appointments. I get furious and find myself screaming at her, which does nothing but make me feel mean and cruel. My goal is to get her to do her best to recover, because I don’t want to punish her, but I can’t stand the idea that she’s making herself worse, and then I could lose her.
People don’t age and die because we lose our fight to live; we die because we die. Fighting is merely a protest demonstration and/or holding action. Understandably, you don’t want to lose your wife, but no amount of effort on her part will stave off death forever.
We’d all prefer to believe that love and determination could drive your wife to recover from her disability, and, under some circumstances, they could (most of those circumstances, as we’ve said many times, involve a screenwriter).
Unfortunately, they often can’t, and, if her disability is not treatable, persistent pushing could make you abusive and destroy the relationship that’s her most meaningful source of support. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 15, 2012
People often think the worst kind of craziness leaves you dazed, confused, and mumbling to yourself on the subway, but the truth is that there’s another kind of craziness that’s even worse. With that kind of crazy, you’re still aware of the date, can name the President, and keep a bank account, but you feel broken by the deliberate malice of those you should be able to trust. It feels like a legitimate reaction to life and individual people rather than an illness, but illness it is, and people who have it and those who love them must accept it as such if they’re to get any kind of protection at all from its corrosive effect on relationships and hope. Otherwise, everyone involved will end up feeling as isolated and scared as the ailing, mumbling subway-dwellers.
–Dr. Lastname
My psychiatrist recently told me he thought I was a borderline character disorder, which I know, from looking it up, means I’m an angry, destructive person who is probably not going to get better. What was also upsetting was the fact that the description of a borderline character disorder fit me, because I’ve always had trouble keeping relationships and I tend to cut myself and do other self-destructive things when I’m feeling low, which is most of the time. My goal is to feel better, and now I feel hopeless. The question is, am I really hopeless?
The fact that you’re asking that question, instead of hating the evil system of mental health clinicians for destroying your self-esteem by giving you a vicious label, shows that you’re not as hopeless as you think.
You have a good ability to see things positively and clearly, even when your feelings are entirely negative. That’s essential to managing the temperament and habits of a borderline personality (or almost any negative personality trait). That and admitting you have a problem in the first place. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 8, 2012
On the pie chart of what goes into a healthy relationship, sex should never be the biggest slice; that’s putting the most emphasis on the one element of a relationship over which people have the least control. Besides, the fact that it can ignite all your circuits or trigger vast yearnings doesn’t mean it will find you, or make you, a good long-term partner. If your partner is loyal, caring, and reliable, then how frequently you get a piece shouldn’t take the biggest piece of the pie.
–Dr. Lastname
My 34-year-old husband is a wonderful, sexy, kind, sensitive, clever man. Fourteen years ago, however, he had a severe meth addiction that got him in jail. After ten years sober, he started drinking a few years ago, but, having worked in the addiction field, I don’t think the drinking is an issue at all, though I do think the meth has really screwed with this head. What he does have an issue with is intimacy and sex. We have a wonderful relationship so we’ve talked extensively about the problems we have—erectile dysfunction. He says that the meth fucked with his head sexually, and that it made it very difficult for him to have “normal,” i.e., non-aggressive sex. Before me, he found sex fine with women he was not emotionally connected with, but as soon as feelings came in, the sex became more difficult. Early in our relationship, sex wasn’t an issue, but as soon as we got engaged, and then married—it became very difficult. He’s warm and loving, and doesn’t want to be ‘aggressive’ with me, which means he can rarely get it up. We kiss and touch a lot, but it’s getting harder and harder to deal with; I feel rejected, he doesn’t feel like a good husband or a ‘real’ man, though I tell him every day how much I love him. When we do manage to have sex, it’s beautiful, but he rarely comes, and is rarely hard all the way through, and it’s infrequent. I definitely think it’s a psychological issue, and so does he. He talks about feeling massive anxiety and pressure that he will lose me, and this makes the problem worse. It seems this combination of our (new) marriage, his lousy job, and his past is putting a huge psychological pressure on him. I’m not sure what to do—do we go to therapy together? Him alone? What kind of therapist? How do I deal with this? I’ve been endlessly patient, I’ve snapped and lost my temper, I’ve reassured him, I’ve cried. I love him so much and I want to help him and us, and also make sure that I deal with it right.
The trouble with trying to fix sexuality by understanding its psychological underpinnings is that it turns an inability to perform into a personal failure. As we always say, figuring why something’s wrong isn’t the same as figuring out how to make it right.
Sex aside, you get along well with your husband, who seems like a hardworking guy with the strength of character to stick with a job he doesn’t like and stay off drugs. You feel respect and affection for one another. So far, so good.
In other words, you have a good marriage, even if he doesn’t have a lot of orgasms. Your relationship has the important stuff, so don’t give sex any more importance than necessary. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
