Posted by fxckfeelings on July 23, 2012
There’s nothing better at inducing helplessness than being molested as a child, but it’s easy to forget that helplessness is a feeling, not a measure of strength and character. If you’ve been traumatized in the past, don’t let the helplessness of this or any other overwhelming experience make you feel like an ineffective victim. Instead, learn to respect your existing effectiveness, regardless of how helpless you felt then or still feel now. You may always feel helpless, but your very survival is proof that you’re stronger than your emotions.
–Dr. Lastname
My life is pretty stable now, but I’ve had a lot of major problems this last year and, in the middle of my troubles, I started to remember being molested by a family friend when I was 14, just after I hit puberty and got breasts overnight. I’ve been struggling to get my daughter help for a major health problem, and then I got fired and had to find a new job, and then my mother started to slip into dementia. Now, I’ve got a new job, my daughter is getting good help, and my father is taking good care of my mother, but I can’t get over a rising feeling of helplessness. If it’s because I was molested, my goal is to get over it.
Before you can even try to recover from the helplessness of current crises, you have to get around the sneaky way it has of making you feel personally ineffective, in part by playing on your memories of the helplessness of being molested. After a while, you can feel like you’re drowning, which is about as helpless as it gets.
In other words, you want to move forward, but helpless feelings cause helpless beliefs by awakening helpless memories. Your mind gets stuck in the notion that you couldn’t do anything in the past, you’re not able to do anything now, then things will probably get worse, and you’ll be powerless to prevent it. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 19, 2012
If your relationship feels threatened by your partner’s attachment to a difficult, intrusive parent, you may well feel that you have to fight for his/her time and loyalty, but going to war over an in-law is like getting involved in a land war in Asia; a classic blunder, per “The Princess Bride.” Instead, remember that, while a partnership requires a mutual commitment of time and energy, it also must leave room for work, exercise, and time with friends the one party doesn’t like. So draw up a schedule that minimizes three-way togetherness and maximizes stiff-upper-lip politeness and the repression of negative feeling. It might occasionally be painful, but of course, life is pain, and anyone who says differently is selling something.
–Dr. Lastname
My partner and I are both in our 60s with difficult marriages behind us. We have separate homes dozens of miles apart but meet often, share many interests, have a healthy sex life and enjoy meals out, daytrips or just being together. His elderly mum lives some distance away and is socially awkward with a serious hoarding issue that escalated when her husband died. Part of her house is uninhabitable due to this, and she goes without hot water rather than let someone in to repair her broken boiler. We used to get on OK until last year when she started coming to stay with my partner on a frequent basis for visits of indeterminate length. She would be included in everything we did and be a real pain. I tried to be understanding but tension mounted and came to a head on her sixth visit of last year when, without discussion, she began getting into the front car seat with her son leaving me to take the back. He denied and defended her behavior and blamed me. I feel I am being cast in the same role as his ex-wife whom he also blamed for “being difficult” with his mother. Her needs were put first over the Christmas holiday and there was another furious row when she wanted to extend the visit and he felt guilty for saying no. To be fair he is now trying to set boundaries and consider my needs but she is about to arrive again. How do I protect the relationship and what is left of my sanity from her manipulations without looking like the bad guy?
While the mother-in-law-from-hell has been around since the dawn of time—they provided the motivation for a daughter-in-law fish to escape onto land and evolve into human kind—this mother-in-law has created problems for her son before. Just ask his “difficult” ex-wife.
That means your situation is twice as challenging, because you’re not only dealing with an extremely sensitive situation, you’re dealing with one that’s been a deal-breaker in the past.
The only way you can avoid falling into the traditional trap of becoming a bad guy is to figure out what you think is reasonable and acceptable, according to your own needs and standards, in terms of how much you’re willing to share his time with his mother, and under what circumstances. After all, you can never be a bad guy if you know you’re doing the right thing. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 9, 2012
Depression and life’s miseries have an amazing way of working together to make you feel like a loser who doesn’t belong, has nothing to contribute, and should not get out of bed. That other people are happy just makes you wonder what you did wrong, when it’s just misfortune and depression doing their job really well. The fact is, however, that we create value in life by pursuing what we believe is most important, regardless of whether we get lucky along the way. That’s why you need to assess whether you’ve done your best to live up to your values, disregarding negative thoughts and the failures over which you had no control. Then pain and negative thinking can’t succeed in damaging you, which means you won’t damage yourself.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m not even sure where to begin so I’ll try and keep this as short and concise as possible. I come from a broken family– my mother was abusive and distant, and I became that way to the point where it was hard for me to feel genuine love for anyone because I never learned what love is. I got away from my family and had a string of bad relationships (where if I think about it, I am to blame really). I then met and almost immediately married my husband. He went along with it because he loved me, I pushed for it because I was insecure. I didn’t “feel” any real love for him but wanted him to validate my feelings because I believed then that that’s how love grows. For me back then, love = infatuation. I admit I’ve been messed up. I’ve beaten myself up enough. Anyway, our marriage has been rocky with a major indiscretion on my part and several minor ones (chatting/talking on the phone with strangers) on his part. He forgave me for my error and begged me to stay (this was 3 years ago). Only just a few months ago have I realized how fucked up I am and how I’ve let my “feelings” guide me to hell. I’m still trying to rewire myself and it’s hard work. Unfortunately I recently found out that my husband was still talking to random women for hours because “he’s lonely.” What scares me is that even though I am working on my issues, he still feels lonely and it’s likely he will hurt me again. I realize now that I do love him but I can’t always project it the right way or appear to be happy when really I’m feeling like shit. I keep thinking it’s all my fault that he feels lonely and that nothing I will ever do will help this. I’m really tired of dealing with my own crap and now realizing that he has his own set of issues that may or may not be related to me. I’m very confused. How do I stop obsessing over our faults and focus on the good? I don’t want to throw away everything I’ve accomplished because of my ‘moods’. Please help. How can I trust him again and more importantly, trust myself?
There are a lot of smart people out there with high standards, like yourself, who have brains that naturally favor negative thinking and family backgrounds that are full of sad events and broken relationships.
As such, it’s not your fault that your mind tends to put fault on you and call you broken. What’s worse, if you try to be more positive, your brain pushes back by calling your efforts to think happy thoughts a dismal failure (which, of course, they’re not). Brain 1, You 0.
So, instead of trying to focus less on your faults, aim higher by taking pride in your many remarkable accomplishments. After all, if you can’t think differently, you can nevertheless force yourself to think about different things. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 2, 2012
Wishing someone will change is a lot like wishing you’ll get disgustingly wealthy or that your worst enemy will drop dead; it’s futile, not entirely healthy, and will leave you feeling like a jerk. If that person feels you don’t accept their personality, they usually get worse (and blame you), and if your needs are stronger than your sense of reality, you won’t be able to get over it and stop nagging. Either way, the change they’re most likely to make is leaving for to a new place far away from you, or, worse yet, staying in a state of perpetual resentment. Instead, see if you can get them to want to change. If they can’t, your job is to do the best with the limitations you’ve got (yours or the other guy’s), and either make it work or make a plan to move on (that doesn’t hinge on great wealth or homicide).
–Dr. Lastname
Is past behavior really the best way of predicting future behavior or can a leopard sometimes change its spots? I am aware that people mature, evolve, adapt, etc. but wonder if they can ever really overcome long-held behavior patterns such as dishonesty. Do we tend to revert to character by default setting whatever relationship or job we are in? My partner is kind and loving in many ways but his workaholism and difficult mother are starting to cause problems between us just as they did in his marriage whereas my ex appears to have improved without me. My goal is to learn from the past and avoid falling into the same old situations.
Instead of wasting time and avoiding hard truths by debating whether leopards can change their spots, look at your current particular leopard and ask yourself what he has done with his spots in their current, seemingly-permanent placement.
If the answer is unacceptable, you might search for a spot-removing/issue-solving specialist. You won’t find one with any real power to change much of anything, but at least the search will allow you to stall for a while and allow specialists like myself to pay the mortgage. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 28, 2012
While it’s never good to act on angry feelings, their ability to distort one’s perspective also make them one of the hardest feelings to ignore; after all, love is a strong emotion, but you don’t often see a large, hugging mob. For most people, the real risk in anger isn’t punching, but picking on those closest to you. So when you feel the rage building against someone you love and you know it’s not for the right reasons, don’t feel guilty (or even more angry), just stick to your usual rules for being a good spouse or parent, acting civil, and doing your job. Usually, anger will pass, clarity will return, and hugs won’t be necessary.
–Dr. Lastname
I truly love so many things about my husband, but I’m not happy with myself. I’m overweight, I have hormonal imbalances that I’m addressing with my physician, and I’m sluggish and moody at times, almost feeling like a depressive state. Lately, however I’ve been trying to get healthy physically and mentally by using diet and exercise, as well as engaging in life more (a tennis tournament with family and friends, walking with my teenager, and training for a 15K I’m running in the fall). While my husband says he supports me, and even wants to do the same, his actions are the opposite—he buys junk food, he works hard during the day but then plants himself in front of the TV all night. I’m beginning to feel disgusted and even resentful about his behavior. I know he’s a wonderful man, but I don’t know why I’m becoming so intolerant of his behavior, or even if I have the right to be upset. He is the same man, I’m the one that’s changing, so why am I so pissed off all the time? I just don’t know how to get back to some kind of friendship where I enjoy him like I used to, and it scares me. I love him so much, but I even find myself cringing sometimes to his touch. I just don’t know what caused this kind of shift in my thinking.
Nothing feels more personal than anger, but often, the opposite is true; although we feel angry at someone or feel their anger directed at us, anger often starts with a mood rather than an issue, and then targets innocent bystanders simply because they’re there.
What’s worse is that anger often elicits more anger, thus finding a way to feed on itself. You focus your anger on your husband’s faults (his lack of self-discipline), while feeling angry at him for making you angry, and then getting angrier when he gets angry at you for being unfair.
The sad fact is that sometimes you can’t stop angry feelings, regardless of how undeserved they are, how much pain they cause, or how much you address your issues with friends, loved ones, and therapists. Anger often just happens, particularly when there are hormones and depression involved. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 25, 2012
When you can’t get through to someone, it’s easier to feel like a war party than a concerned party, driven to conquer that someone’s mind by any means necessary. Sometimes the only mind you need to conquer is your own, because you can accomplish most of what you want without needing the agreement of others. Other times you have to endure the helplessness of watching someone self-destruct, knowing an attack from you will only make it worse. Your job isn’t to communicate when communication is impossible; it’s to make the best of the fact you can’t and take your forces elsewhere.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know why I can’t get my husband to stand up to his mother when she tries to take over our baby. Everyone in his family agrees that she’s very difficult. She drops by whenever she wants, has me wake our baby if she’s sleeping, and stays after we’ve told her that we’ve got to be going. After she leaves, I tell him she’s awful, and he tells me I’m mean to deprive her of the happiness that she gets from her granddaughter. I feel she’s taken over our lives and I’m ready to leave my husband, which is what I know my mother-in-law wants, because she’s said she doesn’t think our marriage will last. Help me get through to my husband.
If you’ve read this site before, then my simple answer should be familiar; the bad news is, you probably can’t get through to your husband, but the good news is, there’s no reason to get through to him in the first place.
As the mother of a baby, you probably have lots of reasons to create rules without having to first persuade your husband to agree or prove that his mother is a jerk. That’s fine, because, though your husband probably knows she’s a pain, you’re expressing feelings he feels guilty about having, so he gets to take that guilt out on you.
So, while it would certainly be nice for the two of you to be on the same page, you have enough confirmation that his mother is impossible to entitle you to come up with your own plan for dealing with her. Coming up with good rules for protecting your peace and privacy is a lot easier than asking your husband to turn on his own mama. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 14, 2012
Fear is truly frightening when it becomes contagious, usually in panic form. After all, getting scared is a manageable and sometimes life-saving experience, but getting panicked means spreading that fear to ill effect among your friends or even among your enemies. Your job then isn’t to express fearful feelings, hoping for relief but instead creating chaos; it’s to cope with the cause of your fear as constructively as possible and then draw courage from knowing you’ve done your best in a fearful world. That way you will inspire confidence in your supporters, which will hopefully be contagious, as well.
–Dr. Lastname
I got married recently, but the honeymoon period came to an abrupt end when my wife and I started fantasizing what our kids would be like and I realized that several of my wife’s relatives are mentally retarded. She has a wonderful family, but still, I don’t know how I’d deal with having an impaired child, and I can’t stop worrying. Naturally, I told her what I was feeling, hoping she could give me some reassurance, but all she said was, “well, do you want to divorce me and marry someone with healthier relatives?” I love her but I don’t know what to do with my worries. My goal is to calm down and have a healthy family.
No one knows better than a pregnant couple how truly scary life can be. The real story of the birds and the bees also involves the bear of unavoidable risk of mutation. The question then isn’t whether you should be afraid, it’s what you do with that fear.
Asking for re-assurance turns you into a kid asking grown-ups for soothing words you should never really believe. True, if they’re dumb enough to reassure you, they deserve the lawsuit you’re entitled to slap on them if things go wrong. In every other way, however, you’ve weakened yourself and spread fear to those who are relying on you for leadership.
You’re the Daddy, so act like one. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 24, 2012
Earlier this week, relationships were compared to bodies—both can withstand some damage while staying healthy—and now it’s time to look at them as cars. After all, some relationships look terrible from the outside but run without a problem, while others have an envious appearance but are internally falling apart. Instead of rating your relationship on how its general appearance makes you feel, determine what you’re in the relationship for and if you were able to do your part, given the two unchangeable characters involved. Then, whether or not you fight or feel close to your partner, you can respect yourself and decide what course, even if it’s full of curves, is more worthwhile.
–Dr. Lastname
Please note: there will be no new post on Monday due to the holiday weekend. If we don’t take a day off, we’ll go nuts.
My marriage was a mismatch all along but lasted 30 years and produced 3 kids, now adult. We were young, he weak and immature, me insecure and needy after being abused and rejected as a kid. He provided and did his duty but was emotionally distant and rarely intimate with me. I had anger for both of us and acted as scapegoat for all the people who walked over him. He had an affair 20 years ago and I went crazy with anger and grief but I stayed dependent on him. Sex stopped years ago and he was tolerant of me seeing other men but still I hoped the marriage could be fixed. He left 3 years ago, bought a motorcycle, etc., but insisted he did not want divorce. He started seeing a co-worker but I only learned he had been involved with her for years when she confronted him at my home and made a huge scene about all his lying. He behaved weakly and ran away. He is still involved with this woman but does not live with her and has not started a divorce. The money remains joint. I have another man, a part time job, and my family but still harbor a vague hope that the marriage can somehow be fixed and made good. My goal is to accept reality and move from a state of limbo into letting go of a marriage which was co-dependent and unhealthy for decades.
Your marriage accomplished many of the goals that mattered most to you, your husband, and all those who approach marriage pragmatically. Most people would hope for their mismatches to be so lucky. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 21, 2012
A healthy marriage is a lot like a healthy person; one can have nagging injuries and superficial imperfections, but if there are no major malfunctions, consider yourself fit. Your partner may make a good spouse despite a roving eye, or your partner may admit that his/her version of perfect love is actually deeply flawed, revealing that your healthy marriage has actually had a malignant tumor the whole time. If you want a love that lasts, find out all you can about what your candidate has always been like as a partner before you tie the knot. Then, even if your relationship is occasionally under the weather, it still has the stuff for a long life.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t want to get hurt again by my wife’s infidelities. We’ve been married for 30 years and she’s been a good mother to our kids and a hard worker, but every few years she gets over-involved with someone she’s working with or meets socially, and crosses the line, and then she’s immediately very sorry. Last time she did it, it took me a year of therapy to get over the pain and start to trust her again. Now I see signs that it’s happening again, and I just want to withdraw and spare myself the hurt of another episode. My goal is not to be repeatedly humiliated and angry.
Of course you never want to feel humiliated or betrayed by your spouse, and her behavior definitely violates your wedding vows (or at least the implied vow to keep it in your pants).
On the other hand, people have their weaknesses, which means bad behaviors that they don’t recognize or control or both. The bottom line for you then is not how much you’re hurting, but whether the value of your partnership outweighs your hurt. It’s the Carmella Soprano/First Lady conundrum. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 14, 2012
Marital nastiness, no matter how harsh and unfair, should never make you a victim. Even when your partner is an overbearing jerk, you have a right to leave or stay and an ability to judge for yourself whether you’ve done less than your share and deserve less-than-loving treatment. As long as you remember your choices and exercise your own judgment, even the most painful marriage won’t control your mind.
–Dr. Lastname
Six months ago, I had my husband arrested for domestic violence. I was pregnant at the time. It was a wake-up call for both of us—there were many unspoken resentments between us as I have a very high stress job and he stayed home with our first child. We are both in therapy now, because, while I know I’m not responsible for his actions, I absolutely had some emotional messiness to clean up on my end. Somehow, we have recommitted to truly working together, but I am still so angry at him for putting me through that ordeal. We do love each other, but personality-wise, we are probably not the best match, and if there were not small children involved, I would have divorced him after this. My family, with whom I’ve always had a strained relationship, hate that I’m giving my husband another chance and are punishing me for it, telling me how I am being controlled, putting my children at risk, etc. I had my child 2 months ago and I’m already back at work, working like crazy (someone has to support the family), but I’m so overwhelmed, unsupported and just failed by everyone when I have 2 small children depending on me and a career to manage. The pace that I am keeping is ridiculous. Help! I need to figure out what I need to do to feel less overwhelmed. And if my husband and I are going to have a chance, I need to let go of my anger.
I wish it were possible for everyone to let go of anger and be happy in this life (but for this breakthrough to occur only after I’m retired).
Unfortunately, the unfairness of life, together with the unfairness of the worst personality traits we’re cursed with, make it impossible for many of us not to feel lots of chronic, steady anger on top of whatever one experiences for especially lousy events. For such people, being calm is just being quietly pissed.
So, for members of this club, as much as they wish they could get rid of it, the question isn’t how to let go of anger and feel peace, peace, peace; it’s how to manage one’s daily anger without turning into an emotional Hulk. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
