Posted by fxckfeelings on April 4, 2013
There are plenty of things that money can’t buy, but when you don’t have any money, you’d gladly sell any number of those things for some food, rent, or pride. Whether economic desperation destroys a once-solid relationship or forces you to kiss up to someone you once told to kiss off, it’s hard not to feel like a loser when you have no money left to lose. Working hard when you feel like a loser, however, is a much tougher feat than working hard when life is fair and the rewards flow in. If you refuse to hold yourself responsible for hard times and give yourself proper credit for what you do with them, you can survive periods of apparent dependence and humiliation without losing faith in yourself or the truly priceless values you stand for.
-Dr. Lastname
I know my husband wants a divorce because I’ve worn him out with my up-and-down moods, emotional crises and being unemployed and dependent on him for the past three years. It’s lots more than he bargained for, particularly since we never wanted kids and married five years ago for companionship, when we were both making good money and never thought one of us would have to support the other until we were both retired and had good pension plans. Now I can’t afford to let this marriage end, not just because I still love him, but because I’m broke and have nowhere else to go. I haven’t given up on trying to find work—I’ve kept up a steady search, and I’m not too picky—but it’s been very discouraging and my chance of getting anything like the salary I got before I got sick is very slim. So I’m scared shitless he’ll get a lawyer, force me out, and lock the door behind me. My goal is to figure out how to postpone that day until I’m back on my feet.
When uncontrollable events make a nice, companionable partnership increasingly burdensome and loveless for one or both partners, said partners can very quickly turn into archenemies. When two people can no longer turn to each other, turning on each other becomes their next option.
During what amounts to a marital Armageddon, finger-pointing abounds, and you could easily see your husband as a fair-weather promise-breaker, he could see you as a needy leach who promised a lot more than you delivered, and mutual accusations could bring out nasty behavior and more destruction.
Your first goal is to keep a lid on the potential ugliness, but even shutting up can be dangerous. Acting as if you don’t give a damn, or feel like the injured party, or both, can stir up trouble without a word’s being spoken. You need to define and own a positive goal in order to manage an extremely negative situation and keep everything from falling apart. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 25, 2013
Some families are horrible to live with because, although everyone means well, their individual suffering and sensitivity make them act badly, while, with other families, a rejection-sensitive demon-spawn who does not mean well is torturing the clan from within and acting like a terrible beast. So, before letting your own family-focused feelings drive you into conflict or away from the fold, ask yourself how well your family members can behave and under what circumstances. Sometimes better behavior management can help their good intentions overcome their bad moods; other times, the only way to help is to build a solid wall, slip out the door, and solder it shut, like you mean it.
–Dr. Lastname
I feel like the depression and anxiety issues of my husband and three sons is literally sucking the life out of me. There are days here and there when one of them will be in a good mood, but for the most part it’s gloom and doom, and their inability to make a decision about ANYTHING has become equally exhausting. I know they can’t “snap out of it”, just “get over it” etc., and they’re all receiving professional care…but honestly, after a couple of years of this, I’m wearing down. I have lupus, and while I’m generally a positive, happy sort of person, I’m at the point where I really do need their assistance sometimes. I’m starting to feel like my hair could be on fire and no one would even notice, much less get up to help. Sometimes I can get one of them to take the dog out, or bring the laundry downstairs, but it practically takes an act of congress to make it happen…and we all know how that process goes. I want to be supportive, and feel I’ve done my best to be patient and tolerant…but how do I protect my own health and sanity while this situation drags on?
If your family has turned into a misery association that is dragging you down, imagine if it was possible to quit your current family and find a new one. After all, If a workplace is often compared to a family, then it should not be hard to picture leaving your position at Misery and Frustration Inc. for a position elsewhere.
This fantasy also forces you to think about your own goals in life, aside from your response to their depressed feelings and unhelpful, apathetic behavior. As a parent, it’s easy to put those things on the back-burner while you try to make them happy, but as a professional, you’re supposed to think about what needs to get done before quitting time. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 21, 2013
Whether you feel so strongly that you can’t figure out where your emotions are trying to take you or so rejected that you can’t let your feelings take you anywhere, you know the name of the website so pointing out how stupid it is to rely on feelings would be redundant. What does help, however, is to get in touch with the deeper values in your life that make it meaningful to make painful compromises in close relationships. Once you know what these values are, you can always find a compromise to respect, regardless of how it makes you feel (or how we feel about feeling in general), and take action that makes you proud.
–Dr. Lastname
I have been in a relationship with the same guy for the last eight years—we met when we were in high school and have been together ever since. We live together and have talked seriously about getting married and starting a family, but I am not sure I want any of this with him anymore. In recent months (and I’m not sure whether this is a cause or symptom of how I feel about my future with my boyfriend) I’ve developed a giant crush on a guy at work– I really, really like this guy, in a way I didn’t think possible outside of high school, to the point where I wish I (and he) were single. But this crush also makes me feel horrible – I feel like I am slowly but surely destroying my relationship, I worry that I am just going to hurt my boyfriend, and to top it all off I know deep down that I will never be with the guy at work (for various reasons – he has a girlfriend, I’m not really sure he likes me in that way, and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t ever date a co-worker anyway). So I don’t know what to do. I love my boyfriend and I still want to be with him right now, but this has made me think that we maybe aren’t going to work out in the long run. On the other hand, the thought of leaving him to live alone is really scary/sad – I don’t have a lot of friends who live nearby, so I think I’d just be by myself a lot, which would be incredibly depressing. I also just don’t think any place would feel like home without him, although I’m not certain this isn’t because I have no idea what life would be like without him. So it just seems pointless to leave what really is a good relationship to live alone and sad, as it is unlikely (as I said above) that my crush and I would ever get together. So, my goal is to determine what I can fix in my relationship with my boyfriend so we can move forward into the future, and to get over my work crush so he and I can just remain friends.
Maybe people who get big crushes need to get their wishes granted, at least once, and have a love affair with someone who ends up breaking their heart and crushing their notion that love is the most important thing in the world.
Without that big heart-break, they can’t break out of the same cycle that you’re in—trying to figure out whether a big crush will run rampant and break up your current partnership without your having any control over it or getting anything good out of it.
In other words, you know you’re in trouble when you have the same sort of fears about having a crush that you do for getting bitten by a zombie. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 18, 2013
When you feel misunderstood or criticized by someone you really need a good relationship with and aren’t a hypnotist, warlock, or mob boss, you probably feel like you lack the power (or powers, or firepower) to find a desirable resolution. Still, don’t think your only choice is to figure out what’s wrong and try harder, or figure there’s no hope and walk away. Instead, ignore their agenda, re-approach the situation with your own idea of what’s best, and talk actively about it while refusing to talk about topics that have been beaten to death. The other person will either find it’s better to follow your lead, or, if s/he doesn’t, you’ll know you didn’t walk away without giving it your best effort on your own, regular-guy terms.
–Dr. Lastname
I need to figure out how to do better during job interviews. I thought I was fully prepared for the last one—I’d researched the company and was ready to discuss the experience and training that made me qualified for the position—and then they ambushed me by asking a series of probing, uncomfortable psychological questions about what I’d do or have done in difficult situations when I’m angry or in conflict, and I got tongue-tied. I’m just not glib or confident when I’m surprised or anxious, so I feel like I showed them I don’t have good self-esteem. My goal is to be prepared to handle anything they throw at me, so I can be competitive in a tough job market.
Job interviews always feel like performances aimed at getting people to want to hire you, but that’s really not the truth. That’s like going on a blind date with a guy who has Nazi tattoos and lives in a dumpster but worrying only about whether or not he’s impressed with you (and if you so much as live in a car, he should be).
While you certainly don’t want to stroll into an interview straight from a jog, with uncontrollable gas, or physically fighting a bad case of lice, your job is to discover whether you and the job would be a good match and to confirm that you really know what your resume and references say you know. Regardless of its pay or prestige, you don’t want a job you can’t see yourself doing. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 7, 2013
From “I can’t make you me,” to “You can’t hurry love,” to “You can’t force the funk,” pop music has done a good job of informing the public that you can’t push someone to fall for you if the don’t want to. Sadly, there are fewer hits about how you can’t really make anyone do anything, even if it’s to stop the mistrust and anger of someone you love. If you’re in that situation, you first need to figure out whether their feelings are warranted, according to your own standards; if they are, you have to worry less about changing their mind than changing your behavior to earn back your own (and their) respect, and if they aren’t, you need to figure out whether you’re just being oversensitive about a love that’s worth keeping, or whether you just can’t make it work. At least pop music has heartbreak covered.
–Dr. Lastname
I have made some mistakes in my past and unfortunately my girlfriend discovered them—I never told her about them because I wanted to protect our relationship, and I’m trying to be good. I don’t talk to other girls anymore and I avoid every other temptation because I don’t want to have problems with her. Now when we have arguments she always brings up my past. I tell her not to think about the past anymore because it’s over, and besides, we didn’t know each other back then, but she’s stressed that I’ll repeat my old behavior in the future and do the same thing to her. How can I prove to her that she’s wrong? I’m very in love with this girl and I’m trying my best to get back her trust.
To paraphrase the wise words of RuPaul, if you can’t trust yourself, there’s no way in hell you’re going to earn the trust of somebody else. Of course, as hard as it is to trust, love, or even just like somebody else, it’s even harder to start with yourself.
If you’re just controlling bad behavior for the sake of someone you love, you won’t meet that definition because you’re doing it “to be good”, which you won’t always be, or for the sake of love, which you won’t always feel. Plus, if you screw up, you might be inclined to but the blame on the person for whom you were trying to straighten up in the first place, which becomes a pass to behave even more badly in the future.
So if you want your girlfriend to trust you, you have to know you can control your own behavior and live up to your principles, even when you feel injured, angry, unloved, needy, or let down. It’s not easy to do, but it’s the only way. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 28, 2013
Between the scary finality of a legally binding union and the hysteria and excess that go into most modern weddings, marriage often creates a vortex of expectations, chaos and terrible bridesmaid’s shoes that suck in unwilling and innocent bystanders and cause others to run away from the process entirely, even if they should be at the altar themselves. If you find yourself getting sucked into marital mayhem, ask yourself whether your relationship, be it to the bride or groom or as the bride or groom yourself, meets your definition of friendship or partnership, not just in terms of intense feelings but also actions over time. Then you can decide for yourself what and how much you want to commit, regardless of anyone’s expectations, and use that knowledge to either gather the strength to resist the pull of marital-mania or jump in with both feet.
–Dr. Lastname
My friend is getting married on my birthday, but my husband has planned to take me away for that weekend, so it’s created a bit of a dilemma that goes deeper than just the wedding. This friend is an old friend from school who was never particularly nice to me—in fact, she asked me to be bridesmaid, but then changed her mind. My husband says I don’t owe anything but I feel guilty for not being there in her big day. My husband emailed her saying we would miss the wedding and she responded by saying we’ve known the date for ages and can we change the dates. I would rather go away but how can I make peace with myself over the decision?
Given how many labels we’ve created for people with whom we have romantic relationships—partner, spouse, boy/girlfriend, “it’s complicated”—it’s frustrating that, when it comes to platonic, non-professional relationships, the only word out there seems to be “friend.”
Because of this, you can use “friend” to describe someone you talk to everyday, and someone you are merely linked with on the internet, and someone who treats you as poorly as the “friend” you describe.
So, even if she’s never been particularly nice to you and invited-then-disinvited you to be her bridesmaid, she might still technically fall under the definition of friend, but her behavior, not her title, should have you asking yourself why you’ve imposed on yourself the obligations of close friendship. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 25, 2013
While sappier-types, producers of Lifetime movies, and Twi-hards would disagree, love and sex are, at their core, evolutionary tools that trick us into commitment; as the relationship progresses and the novelty fades, we’re left with something much less fun and sexy, but a lot more secure and important. If you refuse to accept that, however, continually searching for relationships based only on emotion or getting restless at the commitment stage, you’ll end up frustrated, lonely, and watching way more Lifetime movies than anyone should. If evolution gave us romance and love to bring people together, it’s the way relationships evolve beyond feeling that make them lasting and worthwhile.
–Dr. Lastname
I dated a guy for ten years, since junior year of high school. During the time we were dating I never felt like I needed a best friend– I had friends, but not a clique or group to call my own. I never could experiment with anything because he would get mad, so maybe I would have been more wild or fun if I wasn’t with him. He is very social, outgoing, and almost pompous, but never to his friends, just to people who were almost a little uncool. I think he’s a little uncool, because I believe he has a drinking problem, money problem, and low expectations in life, which as his girlfriend bothered me. Now we broke up because I cheated on him, but it’s been six months, and I want him back. He’s having fun hooking up with girls, and I get jealous when he goes somewhere without me. It hurts. I have friends who tell me to forget about him and move on, but I can’t. We hook up and it’s the best feeling when I’m next to him, but when I see him with another girl it feels like when we first broke up all over again. I know that he drinks too much and doesn’t have any ambition, and that it’s because of him that I never got to figure out who I really am or make any close friends, and because of that I don’t know how to cope with being by myself. Lately I’ve felt what I think are panic attacks. I don’t know how to deal without him, but I just want to get over him and be happy.
Like a drug, dating can be exciting and make painful feelings disappear, like loneliness and boredom. It can also make you into a huge Asshole.
Just as being an Asshole isn’t a pre-requisite for being an addict but addiction comes with automatic Asshole-status, dating for the emotional high can make you into an Asshole, even if you weren’t one to begin with.
If you’re hooked on dating the same Asshole over and over again, you’re in even more trouble, since Asshole-ism can be a venereal disease that can’t be stopped by hormones, latex, or the voice in your head telling you to leave this drunk loser for good. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 21, 2013
When someone doesn’t trust you, you’re left to wonder if they have a point, or if you shouldn’t trust them or their opinions in the first place. What helps you decide where to place your doubt and how to answer their accusation is avoiding the tendency to treat mistrust as a painful feeling that needs to be eased with talk and understanding. Instead, bypass feeing hurt and paranoid and apply moral standards to your own behavior, judging yourself and your actions reasonably. If you’ve been honest and reliable, then their opinion isn’t, and vice versa.
–Dr. Lastname
I know I made a huge mistake in the past and I have tried so hard in the last five years to make up for it, but my husband still has zero trust in me and I don’t know what to do differently. Back story– I got pregnant right after we got together in a time frame that meant the kid might not have been his. My ex wanted a paternity test and we had it done against my now-husband’s wishes. He still will not forgive me for proving the kid was his by letting the ex have the test done and paying for it (because my now-husband refused to do so and refused to let me pay for him to have one done, he insisted that if it were going to happen the ex needed to pay for his test). My goal is to get my husband to trust me.
Before condemning yourself for having sex with your ex-boyfriend, despite not knowing that he was about to become your ex-boyfriend and a then-stranger was waiting to become your husband, ask yourself whether you’re relying on your own sense of right and wrong, or just reacting to your now-husband’s/former-stranger’s feelings.
If you’re doing the latter, then you deserve a better judge. A present-stranger would probably do a better job, unless s/he’s found in the audience of the Maury or Jeremy Kyle shows. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 14, 2013
To paraphrase Keyser Soze in “The Usual Suspects,” the greatest trick mental illness pulls is convincing the sick person it doesn’t exist. Either through making you feel perpetually insecure or unbelievably happy and confident, mental illness’ true gift is preventing you from knowing you have an illness and thus blocking you or the people who love you from helping you. Acknowledging you’re unwell may be hard news to face, but it gives you two valuable gifts; the opportunity to manage your illness, and the ability to spare yourself responsibility for the feelings and thoughts your illness can cause. You may never exorcise your illness entirely, but you can learn to identify it before it limps away with your life.
–Dr. Lastname
I wonder if I could have OCD and if I should consider getting evaluated. I spend a lot of time going over social interactions and thinking about what I should have done differently. Often I get very silly fears about having hurt my friends’ feelings and need to apologize or get reassurance that things are OK, or asking my friends/husband for reassurance about things I may have done to upset/hurt someone else. I am constantly questioning my own perceptions and have a very, very difficult time making even minor decisions (like whether to save or throw out leftovers). My husband claims that I shower 3x longer than most people and thinks I avoid showers for that reason. I am very slow and meticulous at almost everything I do (gardening) and wish I was different. I don’t have any unusual fear of germs though I do work in a lab and sterile technique is a big part of my job. There have been times when a 1-2 hour task took me 3 hours because I was behaving so irrationally about sterilizing the instruments (and I knew this). Sometimes though I think maybe I want to have OCD because otherwise there could be something even worse wrong with me.
Your obsessive worries probably have a positive side, in that they make you very, very good at your work using sterile technique in a lab, but make you very, very miserable in the process.
While the fact that you hold down an exacting job and have friends and a husband to pester with worrisome questions means that your constant worries haven’t stopped you from doing what’s important, unfortunately, that support team hasn’t stopped your constant worries or the worrying about worrying. So, while being obsessive isn’t all bad and hasn’t impaired your life too much, it doesn’t make you feel too good, either. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 11, 2013
For people who suffer from mental (or almost any serious) illness, finding the right course of treatment is a lot like dating; the goal is to find a match that’s steady, provides what you need (even if it provides some minor things you don’t), and gets along with/doesn’t burden your family. The risk of side effects—not side effects themselves, but their risk—is like the risk of wasting time with jerks, unavoidable for almost every treatment, and weighing those risks against the need for treatment and its benefits is what makes medical decision-making tough. Since you probably wouldn’t go for an arranged marriage (or even a matchmaker on Bravo), you shouldn’t assume your doctor is responsible for finding a safe, no-side-effect treatment while you sit back and wait. Nerve yourself to do the research, face the risks involved and then give yourself credit for the required courage, no matter how many medicinal Mr. Wrongs you face along the way.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m glad my wife was finally helped by her third antidepressant, because she’s now a lot less grumpy with me and the kids and she no longer seems touchy and unhappy all the time. The trouble now is that she’s less interested in sex that she was before, if that’s possible, and it leaves me feeling frustrated and ignored. It’s sad, because we used to have great sex and it always brought us together, and now we’re under greater stress than ever and she acts like sex is just more work. I don’t want to sound like her wanting to have sex is more important than her not being depressed, but I can’t pretend her total lack of interest isn’t hard to deal with. Surely there’s a better solution to her depression, so my goal is to help her find it.
I wish I could tell you that the treatments for depression are surefire and reliable, but they aren’t. This is due partly to the mysterious nature of the brain, but also because no doctor worth his or her salt will tell you that any treatment is 100% effective, 100% of the time. Even Athlete’s Foot can be tricky (and also decrease libido, at least for one’s spouse).
That said, finding the medication and/or therapy to relieve depression is especially tricky, so it’s important to remember that whenever you hear the words “this treatment has proven effective,” what they mean is “better, on average, than nothing.” So, unfortunately, there may be no treatment better than the one your wife is now taking, even though it’s the worst for her sex drive. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
