Posted by fxckfeelings on December 16, 2013
While the “fight or flight” response seems ingrained in most any living thing with legs or wings, your average human’s response to aggression is slightly more nuanced; instead of “fight or flight,” it’s more like, “flight or stay put and become a dick or a doormat.” If, however, you give yourself time to think through your moral priorities, risks, resources, and the ends you want to achieve, there’s always a third, non-dick or –doormat option, which is, stay and decide to set limits. Instead of trying to intimidate or placate, you learn to protect yourself from the chaos of conflict by doing what you think is right and encouraging others to use their complex human brains to do likewise.
–Dr. Lastname
My family is lucky that I’ve always been a peacemaker, because my husband is very opinionated and overbearing. I know there’s no point in trying to reason with him or oppose what he’s saying, because he’s never going to change his mind and opposition just makes him angrier, and when he’s angry he just berates me until I stop talking and yells until I beg him to stop because it’s upsetting the kids. He’s never, ever been physically violent, just loud. Sometimes, however, I find myself feeling helpless, depressed, trapped, and full of resentment and anger. My goal is to feel better about my husband’s behavior without rocking the boat.
Although rocking the boat may feel painful and like the wrong thing to do—it is, after all, one of the best ways to tip over and sink—there is usually a possible benefit in family situations. And not just because a sinking ship will drown most rats.
For instance, it may stop you from having to go along with a bad or dangerous decision, or protect you from toxic exposure to prolonged criticism. In actuality, your husband is the real boat-rocker who insists on his right to yell you into submission and you have to decide what action will best keep it afloat, even if that action triggers threats and loud voices that make you feel like you’re drowning. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 12, 2013
While most people with mood disorders don’t technically “hear voices,” they sometimes experience something much scarier; their own internal monologue lying to them. Whether your mental illness is convincing you you’re worthless or the king of the world, don’t follow your corrupted instincts when it comes to managing medications and drawing up safety plans. Instead, study the facts, learn from your own experience, and plan the odds, rather than letting your confidence play you and make you crazier than you really are.
–Dr. Lastname
I am a doctoral candidate preparing to defend and graduate in May. I am so terrified of what comes next (giant black hole; there be dragons) that I am undermining my progress and succumbing to despair. This is tied to my utter lack of ambition. I don’t know how to dream Real Things. All this worry and fear and lethargy leaves me feeling exhausted. And I am so worried and so frustrated with (what I perceive to be) my laziness, my incompetency that I become angry at the smallest things. How can I learn to get work done and to build a life? How can I learn to do it just because it must be done? How can I distinguish between real and false selfishness (it feels selfish to build a life just for me)?
The business of many doctoral candidates is to find a meaning in many random, painstakingly-researched, frustrating phenomena that ties them together and gives you a new idea you can dwell on for several hundred pages. Congratulations, you’re very good at it; too good at it, as you’ve turned your talents on your own troubles.
It’s certainly possible that your fear of any and all future jobs, combined with terminal laziness, incompetence, and an inability to distinguish between real and false selfishness have paralyzed you and filled you with self-loathing. More likely, however, is that your self-doubt has written a thesis outline tying together your many layers of failure. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 5, 2013
As we often say, help isn’t just a two-way street, but a full-on intersection; it can be benefit or hindrance, both to the person being assisted and the helper him or herself. Regardless of whether your desire to help is driven by compassion, love, guilt, or fear, pay attention to priorities, consequences, the limits of what’s possible, and your responsibility for meeting your own needs. Then you’ll probably discover that giving right and going slowly is more effective than giving more and risking an accident.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve always been proud of being the backbone of my family, but I’m close to having a total meltdown. It’s not that my husband doesn’t work hard, too, but I’m taking care of our kids, who are especially busy with after-school sports, tutoring, etc., plus my ailing mother, plus my sister who’s mourning the sudden and unexpected loss of her son, and then on top of that, my own work, which is insane this time of year. I told him I just want to quit everything and go live on the beach in a hut. He laughed, but I meant it. I know all of these people need me, but I’m going crazy. Still, I’m ashamed, and my goal is to figure out what to do.
You’re proud of being the backbone of your family, but you’ve got your own skeleton to worry about, and it will collapse if you don’t find the backbone to stand up to the impossible job you’ve given yourself.
It’s simply not possible to personally take on an infinite number of top priority responsibilities, even if they’re all driven by emotional and financial necessity. It makes sense that you think living in a hut is your only/best alternative to weathering a hurricane of responsibilities. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 25, 2013
If you truly want to believe in the old saying, “There’s someone for everyone,” you have to add the caveat, “assuming that many of those people aren’t exactly right for each other.” Some people think they’ve found “the one,” but then can’t see their partner’s faults because of the wishful optimism of love. Others sour on their spouses because of the tired pessimism of long-married irritability So if it comes time to make a tough decision about a marriage, be sure to ask yourself what continuing your partnership is likely to do to your finances, parenting, and security given what’s happened so far and what you now know about the character of your significant other. Once you figure out whether your someone is actually Mr. Wrong or Mrs. Will-Suffice, you’ll have a much better idea of whether you should hire a therapist to help you get along or a lawyer to preserve your assets.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: There will be no new post on Thursday due to American Thanksgiving. As always, we are grateful for our families and your misery. We’ll be back next week.
I’m living a nightmare and feel totally helpless. I thought my wife had overcome the drug habit she was struggling with before we got married (otherwise I wouldn’t have married her). Normally, she’s the sweetest person in the world. Recently, she went back being the evil witch I remember her being when she was on drugs, blaming me for everything and threatening to take me to court for abusing her. When I asked whether she was on drugs again, she said I was a crazy asshole. Two hours later she said she was sorry, that I was right, but she felt ashamed of using drugs and was taking it out on me. She said treatment just didn’t work for her. My goal is to get her to get help so she goes back to being the amazing woman I love.
There’s a reason that “addict” is a term you live with forever. That’s not to say it has to be a horrible stigma—college graduate and Torontonian also qualify as life-long labels—but no matter how much you wish addiction would be behind you or someone you love for good, it’s always there.
You thought your wife had overcome her drug habit because you loved her sweet, kind side and wanted to think ugly, addict side wasn’t real. She’s not a bad person, but she has a bad side and a bad disease that she doesn’t seem ready or willing to deal with. Even when she’s being kind, her evil side is always going to be there, and she’s doing nothing to stop it. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 11, 2013
Not being accepted is worse than just a terrible feeling, because it’s about who you are; it’s the reason people do everything from buy new faces to entire self-help libraries, to do whatever they can to become something or someone they don’t have to be ashamed of. Unfortunately, radically changing yourself (without the use of a scalpel, at least) is highly unlikely, so most people save their money and do everything they can to avoid non-acceptance and react negatively when it’s unavoidable. Whether you’re afraid of judgment if your true self is revealed, however, or suffer from it without hope of improvement, don’t let it define you. Build your own standards of behavior and measure your progress by how well you live up to them. Then you can accept the potential pain of non-acceptance as a sad part of life and the cost of being your own person and reject the cost of surgery and The Secret.
–Dr. Lastname
I know I drink too much and I’d like to get it under control, but I don’t want anyone to know about my problem. I don’t know what my wife would say, even though she probably already knows something’s wrong with me, but I’m afraid of what she’d think of me if I came to her to talk about it. I can’t imagine going to meetings because I’m afraid of running into someone I know. I really want to cut back, but I can’t face anyone to ask for help.
It’s normal to feel ashamed of a drinking problem, and the shame, along with dishonesty and secrecy, is one of the main ingredients of alcoholism. Just add the booze itself, shake or stir, and serve in a salt-rimmed class.
That’s why waiting until the shame disappears before facing your wife and talking about your problem is a bad plan. The more shame you feel, the less help you get, the more you do to be ashamed of, and the less likely the conversation is going happen in your lifetime. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 7, 2013
War can teach us many lessons, and if we’ve learned anything from the major wars of our day—namely, the “Storage Wars”—it’s that there’s a time to be pushy and a time to hold back. That’s why, when you feel a strong need to influence others, be it to get them off your back or improve their own behavior, being overly aggressive is just as bad as pussyfooting around. Before you bid or bite your tongue, size up the consequences before you open your mouth, and then go forward only after you’ve done your homework and have good reason—not wishful thinking, a hunch, or a grudge—for believing that doing something pushy will do some good/lead to treasure.
–Dr. Lastname
I wish my husband didn’t try to make everyone in my family get along. My parents are divorced, and neither one of them is a terrific grandparent with our kids—they weren’t terrific parents with me and my sister, so I’m not surprised—and my husband makes a big Problem out of it, which we’re supposed to correct. He drops hints to my parents about how, when they come over, they should play with the kids more, stay longer, and pay more attention to what they say. The result is that my parents drop by less often and get even less connected to our kids, and I get an earful from my husband about what’s wrong with my parents and what can we (he means I) say to them that will make them behave better. My question is, what can I say to my husband to get him to stop.
Sadly, the Miss Piggy approach to relationships—trying to bully someone into the kind of respect and affection you think “moi” deserves—is rarely successful, even for mademoiselle Pig herself.
If your husband were more realistic about the kind of grand-parenting he can expect from his parents, he would, as you suggest, probably leave them alone. Instead, he’s letting his efforts and expectations run hog-wild. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 4, 2013
Family isn’t just the gift that keeps giving, but the constant presence that keeps taking, which is why saying “no” and setting boundaries on what they expect you to do is often hard. Sometimes, even when you believe strongly in your need and right to refuse them, guilt makes you agonize and get defensive. Other times, guilt is so strong that you’re sure you’d be wrong to say “no” and can’t even consider the consequences of what will happen if you don’t. In any case, when it comes to saying “no,” don’t wait until you’re angry, stop feeling guilty, or otherwise feel the urge. Instead, look at what happens when you don’t say it and how it affects your major obligations. Then, if you decide it’s necessary, learn how to do it short and sweet, without offering defense or explanation, and give yourself some boundaries, the best gift of them all.
–Dr. Lastname
My unhappy marriage of more than 20 years is soon to end in a divorce driven by me after a long and painful separation. When my husband left I was devastated as I felt abandoned and unable to cope on my own. This resulted in me allowing my husband to set the terms, come and go as he pleased, lie and mess around with my emotions. After two years of this he decided to stay with his girlfriend and asked for a divorce. I agreed but he took no real action. After a lot of therapy and much heartache I have rebuilt my life, found work I like, learned how to cope and have just taken an exciting holiday with my new partner while remaining on amicable terms with my ex. I live in what was the family home with one of my two adult sons and my daughter and her baby are about to move in. I have asked my ex to inform me if he wants to come round but he continues to make arrangements with our adult children at short notice or no notice at all. His girlfriend has taken a job which involves being away for the working week, which frees him up to hang around here when he wishes to spend family time. After years of turmoil I do not want to risk my hard earned independence and growing emotional detachment by getting sucked in once again. I also resent the way he expects to be welcome here when it suits and be unavailable when his demanding girlfriend is around. My goal is to set healthy boundaries for going forward. I wish to protect myself from further chaos without dividing loyalties or giving him underdog status in the eyes of our children.
If you ever thought that your flexibility about your ex-husband’s comings and goings would make him interested in returning to your marriage or, later on, negotiating a marital settlement, you now know better. All it makes it easier for him to do is raid your fridge and unsettle your mind.
He’s continued to do what he’s felt like doing, and you’ve learned how to take care of yourself and go on with your life, which you’ve done very well. Now it’s time to tell him that your life can no longer allow him unlimited access. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 28, 2013
It’s easy to disagree with a stranger—if it wasn’t, we wouldn’t have road rage, Judge Judy or the internet—but it’s both difficult and painful when you find yourself unable to find common ground with someone you love. Whenever you feel pressured by someone you love to do something you hate, whether they’re motivated by destructive needs or idealistic ones, don’t feel obliged to end the pressure by changing their minds. Instead, accept the pain of unbridgeable differences and protect yourself from unnecessary conflict. Then, when you take action, you will have the confidence and optimism of someone who does not have to explain or persuade, even if the person you can’t relate to is a relative.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve always known my father can be a little weird, but he’s generally a decent guy and I know he loves my kids. The trouble is, he’s got it in his head that my wife is an evil person who has serial affairs and doesn’t really care about our kids, and that I can’t see it because she’s got me fooled. Whenever he visits, he gives her dirty looks and takes every opportunity to whisper about how insincere she looks and how badly she manages the kids and, of course, my wife picks up on it, which is what he wants. I can’t impose him on my wife, the tension is not good for the kids, and I can’t get him to see that he’s wrong, because he feels he’s on a mission from God. My goal is to find a way to persuade him to stop so that we can spend time together as a family.
If you’re a parent, you‘ve been told that it’s important that you and your spouse are in agreement and present a united front. In reality, the wish to overcome and erase disagreement, be it between parents or families in general, causes lots more trouble than disagreement itself.
Your father should know by now that, by openly expressing hostility towards your wife, he does nothing but cut himself off from both you and his grandchildren, hurting everyone and reducing whatever positive and protective influence he wants to have. He is cutting off his family to spite his fact-less assertion. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 24, 2013
No matter how pretty, thin, and/or rich you are, or how hard this may be to believe if you are none of the above, finding a solid partner always carries a risk of heartache that can make the process of dating feel like a series of debilitating defeats. So instead of expecting that increasing your attractiveness will reduce the pain, toughen up and become more selective, using your experience of rejection and near-misses to improve your skills and dodge the heartbreakers. In the end, believe it or not, you’ll give yourself the match-making, if not the wealth and looks, you deserve.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t see why I always seem to have the same problems with the guys I fall in love with. I’ve got a job I like in sales—I wouldn’t be good at it if I wasn’t reasonably self-confident and attractive—and I’m comfortable with my identity as a gay guy who would like a real relationship. The problem isn’t in meeting men, because I don’t have a lot of trouble attracting very nice, good-looking men who are really interested in me, and I fall for them. Then, after about three months, they seem to change their minds and pull back, and I’m left wondering what I did wrong. Which is why I’m writing you.
Being good-looking and attractive always feels like a gift, and it’s hard to convince the average-looking it has any real drawbacks beyond getting too many compliments and having a hard time finding clothes that aren’t flattering.
You’re attractive enough to elicit positive responses from attractive guys, which feels like they really, really like you, but they’re responding to your attractiveness, not to you. Unfortunately, being beautiful imposes real, ugly burdens, and this looks like one of them. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 17, 2013
Life is always unfair—kids get sick, dogs don’t live forever, the Real Housewives supply is infinite—but how you react to unfairness is what matters. Some people who are undeniable victims of hard luck never see themselves as helpless, whereas other people feel like victims because life does not always reward good moral choices with good luck. If your luck turns bad, you have a right to hurt, but never expect good luck to reward you for being a good guy. You’ll never feel like a victim if you accept bad luck as part of a shitty, unfair world, and take pride in doing what you think is right, regardless of all the illness, injustice, and Bravo starlets who are out there.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been derailed for the last three years after thinking my life was moving along perfectly well. I’d worked for 15 years at a large company, starting out as a clerk, and somehow my warm personal style and hard work—it sure wasn’t my education, because I never did well in school and did just two years of college—kept getting me promoted until I was about to be regional director. I had three sons and a husband I thought I could count on. Then, suddenly, due to what almost everyone agreed was a minor, unintentional accounting error, I was fired because I technically broke company policy and a higher-up had decided to be a hard-ass. And my husband decided, just about the same time, that I was boring and he moved out. The kids are still great, but I feel stopped in my tracks and turned upside down, not just as if I’ve lost everything, but as if life has stopped playing by the rules. I’m doing a job search, but it’s hard to get into it or really take anything that seriously, other than the kids. My goal is to get back my faith in life, because I thought I was doing everything right, but then everything went totally wrong.
If Job, the guy in the Bible story who God screwed royally, basically to make the devil look stupid, was actually a bad guy, he might have had the satisfaction of knowing that his bad luck was for a good reason (besides winning a bet with Satan).
Unfortunately for everyone, he was a good person, just as I assume you are, so all the bad things that happened to him were for no reason and left him feeling he was living in a world where rules don’t count. That’s why his decision to keep on being a good guy was so remarkable and Bible-worthy.
Until several years ago, your life worked by the rules and reaped justifiable rewards, but then life did one of its horrible little twists and you were fucked for absolutely no reason, and from several directions at once. We want a world where the bad guy always gets what he deserves in the end, which reassures us that we’ll get good results if we work hard, act nice, and play by the rules. You’re living proof that life is unfair, which is a hard burden to shoulder. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
