Posted by fxckfeelings on July 18, 2013
Saying that being depressed just means being sad is like saying that having cancer means feeling nauseous; depression involves a lot more than misery, including anxiety, self-doubt, exhaustion, physical pain, and even nausea, depending on the individual. Some people are always at least a little depressed because they’re never satisfied with themselves, and others have severe symptoms but only briefly after special disappointments. In either case, until depression gets it’s own chemo-like treatment, people can seldom cure their symptoms. They can, however, learn to think more positively about their lives while not confusing the pain of symptoms with failure or character defects, or the pain of life with depression in general.
–Dr. Lastname
I have a very demanding and high pressure job, part of which is done in public, so when I make a mistake, I can’t stop thinking about it or beating myself up. I always think the worst, even for the minor stuff, but I don’t understand why. I accept mistakes in others, why can’t I accept them in myself? I am not arrogant or self-important; just the opposite, I often think I’m the dumbest, most inept person in the room. I’ve had some success but I always attribute that to external forces, not anything I’ve done. This is starting to really affect my life. I cry a lot. I don’t know what to do. Please help.
The fact that you got such a demanding and high pressure/profile job probably means that you have what it takes to get it done, but part of what helped you get it and do it well is being ultra-conscientious, which means worrying, self-criticism, and now, probably, depression. Circle of life, meet circle of strife.
The good side of worry and anxiety is that they drive you to work harder and look out for mistakes. Worriers succeed, not to keep my industry alive, but because worry-genes help people survive and multiply. The negative side of these genes, however, is that they set you up for negative thinking and depression. Anxiety and depression are just two sides of the same miserable coin. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 15, 2013
Love and hate aren’t opposites, they’re siblings, which is why there’s a level of hatred you can only feel for someone you’re involved with, and at your rage-iest moments, it’s often hard to figure out whether your relationship is healthy. It’s especially difficult at those times since you may be too distracted by love, hate, rage, passion, etc. to define the specific requirements that matter most to a partnership or you may be too spooked by a close relationship to ever feel comfortable. In either case, a little hate in a relationship is healthy; it’s being too indifferent, either to make the effort to assess what you need or learn how to assert yourself with your partner, that spells trouble.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m really stuck on my relationship. The first year was great, then we moved in and I’ve been in this space of questioning it ever since. I’ve never lived with anyone and have only had one other long-term relationship so have little to compare it to. I have come to realize over the past year through counseling that my thoughts about relationships have been mostly fantasies, thinking that it’s easy and fulfilling all the time. This one has required me to do a lot of ‘work’ overcoming this, compromising, changing my views, and pushing myself to bring up difficult conversations. We are great friends and have similar values, which I think is what holds us together. However on a day-to-day basis we argue quit a bit, have different preferences on lifestyle (he likes to be out all the time, I am a home body), and sometimes have different views on romantic relationships. I understand that differences are inevitable but what I am really having trouble with is determining if I should continue to work on these issues and accept that relationships have never been easy for me, or if he’s not the right match. I could keep looking and find myself in the same boat with another man a few years later. Or, I could be realistic, know that it’s not like it is in the movies and settle down and start a family, which is ultimately what I want. What is your view on this?
To paraphrase Tolstoy, all successful relationships are alike; every unhappy relationship is unhappy in its own way. The signs pointing to a partner’s worthiness are fairly obvious—if they’re responsible, share your values and your friends, all factors you’re taking into account—but the small things that can doom a relationship are often more unique.
You’re on the right track about advancing a close relationship by living together to discover how you and your boyfriend gel in very realistic, specific ways, but you need to be even more specific now about the significant differences that remain between you and your partner, particularly if, as you say, you want to start a family. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 11, 2013
While “crisis management” is fairly well-known (at least if you’re Paula Deen), we see our field as pre-crisis management, because, more often than not, it’s easier to predict a personal disaster than a natural one. Sometimes people enter into a perfectly predictable crisis because acknowledging the warning signs would ruin the romance, and other times they see the signs but keep on going anyway because planning ahead takes too much work and maybe involves math. In either case, as long as you don’t blame yourself too much and accept the fact that caution will often force you to stop when you’d really like to go forward, there’s nothing that can stop you from learning, doing better, and managing yourself before a crisis can take hold.
–Dr. Lastname
I recently relocated to a new state for better opportunities and to salvage my marriage. In the midst of everything I grew extremely fond of a co-worker and eventually fell in love, and during my new relationship, my husband moved out and we separated. Shortly after, the other man explained that his ex kept contacting him saying she was pregnant and that it could be his (they broke up three months before we met). She is married as well so she wasn’t sure who the father was. Anyway, the baby was born a few weeks ago and paternity has been established that it is his. Since he found out it is his we see each other less and less. He explains that he doesn’t want to be with her and loves me, but to see the baby, I can’t be around. I believe that if he truly loved me he would go about this the legal way, set up visitation and we can resume our relationship. I love him a great deal, but really don’t know how to handle this situation. All of my friends say jump ship and that it’s nothing but drama, I am having a hard time doing so. I really need some no nonsense, direct and honest advice.
When you fall in love with someone, you’re often eager to accept their explanations for the odd decisions they’ve made in their lives; money can’t buy love, but love can afford you a lot of forgiveness. Especially when you’ve made some odd decisions yourself.
Now that the honeymoon (and divorce, and new honeymoon) is over, it’s time you reviewed the facts, dug up more if possible, and asked yourself whether your boyfriend has ever managed commitment before, particularly when he had to do a little multitasking at the same time. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 1, 2013
Cruelty is the byproduct of both excessive involvement and a lack of involvement; a calm person who doesn’t care too much would rather nap than be abusive. As such, you’d think the best way to improve bad behavior is to straighten out the level of caring, which is the subject of many plays and stories, often on Lifetime. In reality, caring usually doesn’t change, so the best way to stop mean behavior is to measure it against moral standards and practical consequences, and then stop it, regardless of whether you’re overly sensitive, insensitive, or just overdue for a nap.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: This is our only post this week since the 4th is a holiday in the US. In the meantime, celebrate Canada Day by writing to us aboot your problems. See you next Monday!
I never understood why I hated my mother or why I couldn’t let go of my anger before she died, though I knew it bothered her. I remember resenting the way she made a big deal out of my good looks when I was growing up, and liked to show me off to her friends, but was otherwise pretty sarcastic and tough. I don’t usually get mad at most people because I don’t get that close. I know she came by her toughness honestly, because she grew up poor and worked hard all her life. I’m basically a loner except for my husband, who is really my best friend. Now, as I get older, I find myself thinking more about her and wondering why I was angry, and am still angry, and why it bothers me.
Sometimes toughness comes from not caring and sometimes it hides caring too much; there’s a reason why so many guys in prison, among their many tattoos, have ones that read “MAMA.” In your case, your pain at feeling misunderstood and mis-appreciated by your mother suggests that you cared a lot and wanted something from her she didn’t and couldn’t give.
Understanding that your mother didn’t have it to give won’t necessarily make your anger go away, however—real life not being science fiction, knowing the true name of something, be it a problem or a person, isn’t good for solving problems, just more efficient Google searches. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 27, 2013
We all have an inner-cyborg, at least in terms of having certain missions, usually involving kids and jobs, that must be carried out by any means necessary. As such, if someone or something threatens the mission, our instinct is to terminate that threat even though fighting it can sometimes put the whole mission into peril. Before entering defense mode, ask your rational, human mind what you’re doing it for and what about this process you control. Then, if and when it’s threatened, you’ll know when you’re better off accepting change and when it’s worthwhile to stand against it. You’ll also be sure that you’re a fraking human after all.
–Dr. Lastname
I am going through divorce after a long and painful marriage to a man who lied and let me down many times but was a good father to our children. We have a baby granddaughter whom we both adore. My soon to be ex has a partner who he deceived me with for years and who showed great contempt for my feelings. Our adult children only met her quite recently which I suggested in the interests of us all moving on and I have been polite to her for their sake. I have a new partner whom they like and who is kind and trustworthy. He has grandchildren of his own but this woman is childless and of menopausal age. My daughter has told me that her father has asked to take the one year old girl on a lengthy car trip to meet the extended family of this woman. She was defensive and awkward so I let it go but I feel hurt at the disloyalty. She is welcome to my weak and dishonest ex but I feel usurped. My goal is to behave well in what feels like a takeover bid.
Some people try by finding a certain spouse, or a cruel mentor, or even a drinking problem, but there really is no replacement for one’s actual mother, no matter how much you feel like your ex’s new partner is trying to become a mother to your children.
Your children will never feel about anyone the way they feel about you, and your influence will grow in proportion to your wisdom, not the guilt you can generate through disapproval. Paranoia is a mother, but it still doesn’t hold a candle to your actual motherhood. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 24, 2013
If you have problems being alone, you’re just as screwed as the guy who has problems committing to being with someone else; either way, you’re both in a bad situation, either sticking around with a bad thing or leaving a good thing because fear, not self-respect, is dictating your decisions. If you’re prepared to apply reasonable standards to your relationships, however, and stand by those standards, you can develop confidence in your ability to protect yourself from bad relationships as well as bad fears. You don’t necessarily have to love yourself to love someone else, but you do have to stop screwing yourself out of love altogether.
–Dr. Lastname
I always felt the one thing I needed for happiness was to find a guy who loved me as much as I loved him, but that I’d probably never find him, because relationships with guys either never last or they get one-sided, or both. So when I found someone I loved who really cared about me, I began to feel that I could finally relax and trust someone. The trouble is, I now have a man I love so much but he keeps doubting my love, and he’s controlling about the friends I keep, how I dress, where I go and if I miss a call he calls back to argue with me. What should I do? I am feeling hurt and lost but at the same time I feel I can’t do without him.
No matter what your heart may tell you, the only person you can’t live without is yourself. The only exceptions to this rule are conjoined twins (who might actually share a heart) and dogs who happen to read advice websites.
That’s why it’s foolish to scare yourself then into thinking you’re more dependent or desperate than you really are. You coped with loneliness before, so you can do it again, especially now that you’ve acquired the wisdom that you not only deserve someone who can love you back, you someone who isn’t a suspicious, controlling Asshole™. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 17, 2013
Most people have that one whiny friend or family member who constantly traps them in the same, stupid, draining conversation, but there are different kinds of bait that keep us coming back. Some complainants keep you trapped with compliments, others take an opposing tact with criticism, but either way, the result is a guilty, captive audience. In any case, don’t let yourself get trapped by feeling responsible for providing support and advice, especially when you know it isn’t doing any good. Drop their troubles from your list of acceptable topics and prepare to spend your time doing other things until they’re ready to accept your terms for having a good conversation, like talking to anyone else.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m a reasonably attractive guy with a good job and maybe I work too hard, but I always find time for my friends and family. I haven’t had luck finding a good woman, so I’ve been particularly available to my brother, who always needs extra help. I love him dearly, but he’s a fuck-up who drinks too much and always finds a way to get himself into trouble. He’s got a couple great sons, but he married a crazy monster, and now that they’re divorcing he’s given her great ammunition to keep the kids from seeing him, or me, by not showing up for visitation or keeping up with child support. My brother tells me I’m the only person he can trust and talk to since our parents died and he doesn’t know what he’d do without me, but I dread our conversations because he does nothing but complain about how awful things are, never takes responsibilities for changing them, and never listens to advice. Meanwhile, I feel my life is empty, I’ll never see my nephews again, and I’ll never have a family of my own. I can’t seem to get out of a horrible rut.
While you might feel like your life is empty, it’s actually quite full; like it or not, you have a special someone in your life, he just happens to be your brother. And he’s not leaving a hell of a lot of room in your life for anyone else.
Of course, it seems important to help your orphaned brother and accept a responsibility that expands the more trouble he gets himself into. What you haven’t done, however, is stop to ask yourself what supporting him is doing to the rest of your social life and whether it’s really doing him any good at all. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 13, 2013
Parents can be responsible for making sure their kids are clothed, bathed, and fed, and even the bathing part is a stretch if your kid is a teenaged boy. After that, almost everything is out of a parent’s hands, especially behavior. Under normal circumstances, there’s lots you can do to help a kid control his bad behavior, assuming you stay positive, provide him with effective limits, and encourage him to endure whatever internal demons and nasty frustrations are flipping him out. Under abnormal circumstances, however, you may well do everything, accomplish nothing, and find it’s better redirecting your energies to where they’ll do more good, even if it’s just making sure they have some soap.
–Dr. Lastname
My twelve-year-old daughter can be difficult with her father and she’s not always respectful to her teachers, but she’s basically a good kid and I can count on her to do her homework and be reasonably nice to her sibs. Lately, however, I’ve been getting more complaints than usual and I’ve noticed that she looks pretty irritable and unhappy most of the time. I don’t want to come down too hard on her, but I don’t want to ignore the fact that I’m responsible for how she behaves and she hasn’t been particularly nice to people. My goal is to figure out how to take her problem seriously without making her feel I’m too critical.
When you feel responsible for your child’s behavior—or your dog’s, or even just your own weight or success—then you feel obliged to get it under control. Unfortunately, responsibility and control do not go hand-in-hand; if your kid is spoiled, needs a talking-to, and has the ability to learn from it, then a conversation might work. Otherwise, think again, because you’re trying to control what even she cannot.
In this case, you’re suggesting that your daughter already knows what she should be doing but that something is bringing out the worst in her. A serious talk about her behavior may help her stop, but there’s a danger, particularly if you sound too angry or moralistic, of worsening her mood, provoking self-hate, and stimulating defiance or self-harm. You both want the same thing, but frustration will make it even more impossible. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 6, 2013
When it comes to drinking, or really any addiction, it’s hard to stop without a “good reason,” especially if you think there’s a better reason not to quit. Then there’s the expectation that, if you really need to stop, the good reason fairy will visit you in the middle of the night to let you know (usually while you’re sleeping in a stranger’s bed, in a dark alley, or a puddle of puke). In reality, it’s up to the drinker to decide if s/he has to stop, and rational thinking about drinking doesn’t require a degree in addictionology. All you need is discipline to gather facts, courage to look at them, and determination to use good reasoning to do what you think is best for yourself.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve lived alone since my daughter left for college (my wife died years before) and I wonder if I’m drinking too much. I’m good enough at my job, but the head of our office doesn’t respect me and I wonder if I’ll have to move on. I’ve always had a tendency to get depressed and I see a therapist, but my antidepressant medication doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t sleep well. I’m not sure drinking is doing any harm and it certainly eases the pain, but I do get completely drunk every night, and it’s become the highlight of my day. I’ve got no friends currently, but I’ve never been a sociable guy so it doesn’t interfere with my social life, and since I’m alone, I get no complaints from friends or family. No harm done. I’m healthy and my hangover isn’t bad, so I wonder whether my drinking is worth worrying about, or whether I should just focus on getting help for my depression.
To paraphrase the old koan, if a person falls into excessive drinking without anyone around to become concerned, does it make that person a drunk? Nobody can ask the tree if it thinks it made a sound, but since you’re a person, you’re not just able, but the only one qualified, to answer the question.
You might be persuaded that you’re drinking too much if a therapist suggested you were using it to escape painful feelings, or if a spouse complained, but then later on you might decide that there’s nothing wrong with escaping when life sucks and your spouse has no right to complain because her nagging drives you to it. Outside opinion is as easy to ignore as the sound of one hand clapping. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 30, 2013
While we all work for a boss in one way or another, it’s safer to do so strictly for the paycheck, instead of the emotional reward of approval. Otherwise, caring too much about whether the boss appreciates your performance can ruin your job satisfaction, even when you know you’ve done it well, or spark you into self-destructive rebellion. So the best thing to do is not work too hard for the boss, the Man, or the Woman; it’s to become your own judge of what constitutes a good day’s work and a reasonable worker’s boss, judge yourself accordingly, and keep getting paid.
–Dr. Lastname
I loved my job at the nursing home for the first 20 years or so, and we were a great team, but the last ten years have been much harder, mainly because we had to move further away because of my wife’s work and I’ve had a tough 90 minute commute each way ever since. I worked extra hard, stayed late, and continued to do the job pretty well, but between being tired and older, I stopped enjoying it and I think my boss was less happy with me. I needed the work, however, so I soldiered along and never got a bad performance review, though it was hard feeling my boss and I were no longer as friendly as we used to be. Six months ago I decided it was time to retire—the kids have graduated college and the pension isn’t bad—so I announced it to my boss, and since then it’s gotten more painful. He didn’t hide his relief and immediately hired my replacement, whom I’m supposed to train. My goal is to get over feeling like I’ve failed at the job that I gave most of my life to, since they’re really glad to see me go.
No one who labors for ten years at a job requiring a three-hour daily commute in order to support his family and secure a pension should ever consider himself a failure, let alone give a shit what anyone else thinks, especially on your way out.
If your boss is eager to see you go, then that’s his problem; you gave him many years of good work and dedicated service, and countless hours suffering through gridlock and morning zoo radio shows. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »