Posted by fxckfeelings on November 21, 2013
When confronted with jerky behavior, your natural instinct is to stop said jerk from causing trouble, but bad behavior is like bad health; you have to figure out the causes behind the problem before you can appropriately react. After all, some people are unpleasant because they can’t help it, while others just enjoy making other people unhappy, so blind attempts at confrontation can either confuse the jerk or encourage their antagonistic behavior. So don’t assume that bullies need to be stopped before first sizing up what makes them bully others and what your resources are. Become a doctor of dickishness, do an assessment, and then you’ll know whether you need to help them change, stop them, or simply head the other way.
–Dr. Lastname
My grown-up son often gets into trouble at work because he’s very critical about everything he thinks is wrong. He tells his co-workers when he thinks they aren’t working hard enough and criticizes his boss for making the wrong decisions and just generally creates a bad atmosphere. Then he doesn’t understand why the boss tells him he’s negative and asks him if he’d like to work elsewhere. When he was younger, I took him to a shrink about his anger issues and I’ve tried to figure out what he’s angry about, but it’s done no good. He doesn’t understand why his criticism gets people pissed off, and it just makes him more negative. My goal is to help him understand why he’s angry and stop being so negative.
Maybe your son is just angry and has a bad attitude, but what’s more likely is that he’s irritable and clueless about how his irritability affects people, and criticism just makes him more irritable without helping his cluelessness. He’s not a rebel or an Asshole, just socially retarded and maybe a little Asperger-y.
Instead of wondering what you did wrong to make him so insensitive to other people’s feelings, assume that, like so many people—mostly engineers, scientists, and people who own capes—he was just born that way. Then what he needs is not reprimands, but instruction in the kind of basic etiquette that most people pick up by instinct. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 14, 2013
Whenever someone’s bad behavior forces you to set limits, it’s like slapping a hysterical person in the face; you can’t know in advance whether they’ll thank you or hate you forever. In either case, if you do it only when necessary, nicely, and with respect, you’ll know you’ve done a good service, whether it’s appreciated or not. In the short run, you’ve offered them a target for their resentments about the world and it’ll sting them as much as it stings you, but in the long run, you’ve given them a chance to learn and grow.
–Dr. Lastname
My eighteen-year-old son is very bright and imaginative and, when he’s sweet, I feel we have a special relationship. Periodically, however, he gets frustrated with things and gets very, very nasty with me. He bullies me into doing things for him and I try to be flexible, but then if I don’t do exactly what he wants he throws a big scene and threatens to break the furniture or crash the car. After the last incident, I threw him out of the house and he went to live with his father for a few days. Now I’ve got him back, but I know it’s going to happen again sooner or later and I don’t know how to explain to him that I can’t give him everything he wants without provoking an irrational freak-out.
When you have a kid who throws dangerous freak-outs, don’t make it your top priority to avoid provoking him; a child’s tantrums are a pain to deal with at any age, but trying to permanently tiptoe around a moody teenager is just as futile and damaging as always coddling a cranky toddler. They keep having tantrums while you get progressively more insane.
Of course, you don’t want to give him a hard time, but the behavior/temper problem is his, not yours, and not only will you drive yourself crazy, you’ll fail to give him the kind of help he needs most, which is a clear set of rules that can help him manage the poorly hinged part of his personality. Tantrums may be eternal, but so are time-outs, even if they take a different form. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 17, 2013
Life is always unfair—kids get sick, dogs don’t live forever, the Real Housewives supply is infinite—but how you react to unfairness is what matters. Some people who are undeniable victims of hard luck never see themselves as helpless, whereas other people feel like victims because life does not always reward good moral choices with good luck. If your luck turns bad, you have a right to hurt, but never expect good luck to reward you for being a good guy. You’ll never feel like a victim if you accept bad luck as part of a shitty, unfair world, and take pride in doing what you think is right, regardless of all the illness, injustice, and Bravo starlets who are out there.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been derailed for the last three years after thinking my life was moving along perfectly well. I’d worked for 15 years at a large company, starting out as a clerk, and somehow my warm personal style and hard work—it sure wasn’t my education, because I never did well in school and did just two years of college—kept getting me promoted until I was about to be regional director. I had three sons and a husband I thought I could count on. Then, suddenly, due to what almost everyone agreed was a minor, unintentional accounting error, I was fired because I technically broke company policy and a higher-up had decided to be a hard-ass. And my husband decided, just about the same time, that I was boring and he moved out. The kids are still great, but I feel stopped in my tracks and turned upside down, not just as if I’ve lost everything, but as if life has stopped playing by the rules. I’m doing a job search, but it’s hard to get into it or really take anything that seriously, other than the kids. My goal is to get back my faith in life, because I thought I was doing everything right, but then everything went totally wrong.
If Job, the guy in the Bible story who God screwed royally, basically to make the devil look stupid, was actually a bad guy, he might have had the satisfaction of knowing that his bad luck was for a good reason (besides winning a bet with Satan).
Unfortunately for everyone, he was a good person, just as I assume you are, so all the bad things that happened to him were for no reason and left him feeling he was living in a world where rules don’t count. That’s why his decision to keep on being a good guy was so remarkable and Bible-worthy.
Until several years ago, your life worked by the rules and reaped justifiable rewards, but then life did one of its horrible little twists and you were fucked for absolutely no reason, and from several directions at once. We want a world where the bad guy always gets what he deserves in the end, which reassures us that we’ll get good results if we work hard, act nice, and play by the rules. You’re living proof that life is unfair, which is a hard burden to shoulder. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 7, 2013
There’s a certain art to negotiation, especially when the discussion involves money; go too hardline, with a patronizing tone or, say, a shutdown government, or too soft, hesitating to stand up for your own financial needs, and you’re not going to make any headway. Worse, you could get incredibly angry, and money rage can be just as dangerous and useless as road rage, except with road rage, you still usually get somewhere. Better to avoid arguments about non-payments, regardless of how unfair or harmful they are, and if good advice and sweet reason don’t work, do what’s necessary to protect yourself while bringing conversation to a firm stop. If you can’t stop yourself from losing it over money, the only thing to shutdown is the conversation, then learn and move forward.
–Dr. Lastname
My daughter is supposed to be a grown-up—she graduated from college but now she’s living back home—and the other day I realized she hasn’t opened a credit card bill in three months. I said something to her, and she still did nothing, and then I was really worried about the mounting interest payments and her credit rating, so I told her I didn’t understand what she was doing and why she was being so irresponsible. She started crying and accused me of being mean and picking a fight, and then my husband asked me why I was attacking her. My goal is to stop this fighting and get my daughter to live up to her responsibilities.
You can’t help being worried, as a parent, when your daughter’s avoidant behaviors no longer just possibly result in suspensions or a visit from the principal, but in fines, a ruined credit rating, and worst of all, frequent collection agency calls. Adult problems, however, deserve adult talks, and a verbal spanking does not qualify; berating her for failed responsibilities usually doesn’t work.
The reason why is that, while she knows you’re right, she doesn’t know why she did it, and her helplessness will make her even more avoidant—of you, your advice, and the next batch of credit statements. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 5, 2013
When someone attacks you because they’re hurt, you have no choice but to enter an emotional battle dome. If you care too much, you’ll feel cornered, attack them back, and you’re an asshole for being mean. On the other hand, if you back off, they’ll feel more hurt, and you’re an asshole for not caring enough. Either way, if you attempt retaliation, the situation will become “two angry people enter, only one sulks away.” Instead, develop your own rules for doing right by your friends and responding to grievances. Then, even if they can’t stop feeling hurt, you can do what’s right without acting more like the jerk they think you are, and leave the battle dome unscathed.
–Dr. Lastname
My wife and I get along very well most of the time, which is a good thing, because we run a business together. Typically, however, when we have fights, it’s not easy for either one of us to get over them. Recently, I said something she thought was demeaning, and she blew up at me in front of our friends. A day or so later I thought it over and apologized, because she was right, but she said that wasn’t enough and that she just about had enough of me. Then that reminded me of all the times she had acted like an asshole and I put up with it, but I don’t want to start the fight up again by reminding her of all those times and, at the same time, I hate that she’s huffy and threatening to leave. I was big enough to apologize, so she should be, too. My goal is to have a better marriage and not fight so much, which I think means getting her to play fair.
In a traditional shakedown, you’re offered your money or your life. In a partnership, however, the threat isn’t delivered in a dark alley but a well-lit bedroom, and it’s a lot more fraught; you’re offered the choice between your marriage or your pride.
It certainly would be better, if you’re sensitive to criticism, to have married someone who doesn’t hold grudges and isn’t too sensitive, but that’s obviously not what happened. Thankfully, your wife has other good qualities that have kept you together for many years and allowed you to be good business partners. Putting your marriage before her win, however, isn’t one of them. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 8, 2013
What’s a reasonable demand on some isn’t so reasonable for others, i.e., asking someone to hit a baseball 500 feet isn’t fair unless that someone is David Ortiz. You might think it’s more acceptable to ask someone who wasn’t raised by wolves to do their dishes, or to not have to ask someone with a phone to use it once in a while. Unfortunately however, the people who don’t treat you properly, can’t, and aren’t going to, for one reason or another, so trying to set things straight makes them worse. Instead, learn to screen people for their ability to treat you (and others) in what you consider a reasonable manner. Then, once you become friends, roommates, or partners, you won’t have to worry too much about whether they do their share, since you agree on a set of standards for behavior (and not baseball talent).
–Dr. Lastname
Admittedly I like things neat and clean, but I don’t expect too much from a roommate—she’s got to be a real slob to get me upset, which, unfortunately, my current roommate is, and has. She dumps dishes in the sink without rinsing them, never fills or empties the dishwasher, never tidies up, and doesn’t pay the rent until I’ve nagged her 2 or 3 times. The last time this happened with a roommate, I tried leaving notes taped to the dishwasher and sink saying, “Please don’t leave un-rinsed dishes in the sink. Thank you.” And “Please run the dishwasher whenever it’s full. Thank you.” I thought polite reminders would be helpful, but she seemed to resent the notes and stopped talking to me. My goal is to get my roommate to do her share without starting a war.
Sadly, there is no such thing as a “polite reminder,” just passive nudges, put into writing. To a bad roommate, you’re a nagging parent, making the rules of the house, and to you, as we always say, a bad roommate is like a crappy pet, like a lizard or hamster, who needs you to feed them and clean their cage while they nap in the sun.
What you’re looking for is a fair world, and to get that, you need magic, not Post-Its. Parents, of course, have magical superpowers at their disposal—overwhelming muscular superiority, tight fiscal control, and a stranglehold on the entire food supply—and they are often reduced to tears. So give it your best, but be prepared for failure/splitting the rent with an angry humanoid ferret.
You’ve already discovered the risk of offering reminders and suggestions to someone who is always fucking up; you feel you’re putting in extra work to help her do what shouldn’t require reminding. She feels her parents are criticizing her for being the poorly mannered, lazy fuck-up she’s always been. In our weaker moments, we shrinks call that “transference,” as a way of explaining why some of our patients hate us when we’re just trying to help. Now that you’ve been a transference-butt (technical term), you know why you should drop the notes idea. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 27, 2013
We all have an inner-cyborg, at least in terms of having certain missions, usually involving kids and jobs, that must be carried out by any means necessary. As such, if someone or something threatens the mission, our instinct is to terminate that threat even though fighting it can sometimes put the whole mission into peril. Before entering defense mode, ask your rational, human mind what you’re doing it for and what about this process you control. Then, if and when it’s threatened, you’ll know when you’re better off accepting change and when it’s worthwhile to stand against it. You’ll also be sure that you’re a fraking human after all.
–Dr. Lastname
I am going through divorce after a long and painful marriage to a man who lied and let me down many times but was a good father to our children. We have a baby granddaughter whom we both adore. My soon to be ex has a partner who he deceived me with for years and who showed great contempt for my feelings. Our adult children only met her quite recently which I suggested in the interests of us all moving on and I have been polite to her for their sake. I have a new partner whom they like and who is kind and trustworthy. He has grandchildren of his own but this woman is childless and of menopausal age. My daughter has told me that her father has asked to take the one year old girl on a lengthy car trip to meet the extended family of this woman. She was defensive and awkward so I let it go but I feel hurt at the disloyalty. She is welcome to my weak and dishonest ex but I feel usurped. My goal is to behave well in what feels like a takeover bid.
Some people try by finding a certain spouse, or a cruel mentor, or even a drinking problem, but there really is no replacement for one’s actual mother, no matter how much you feel like your ex’s new partner is trying to become a mother to your children.
Your children will never feel about anyone the way they feel about you, and your influence will grow in proportion to your wisdom, not the guilt you can generate through disapproval. Paranoia is a mother, but it still doesn’t hold a candle to your actual motherhood. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 20, 2013
In a just world, correcting injustice would have no unintended consequences, good people would always know how to do the right thing, and I’d be so hard up for patients that I’d have to become a podiatrist. Unfortunately, in this world, there are Assholes™, and the fight for justice isn’t just riddled with them, but may force you to align with one or be mistaken for one in the process. Don’t let them and your passion for justice distract you from checking out the moral pros and cons of what happens next. In seeking justice, you should ideally experience the joy of straightening out the world. More often, you will bear the pain of tolerating unjust crap for the sake of good values, the knowledge that you’re preventing things from getting worse, and that, in doing so, you’ve confirmed your non-Asshole™ status.
–Dr. Lastname
Our church administrator made some dumb decisions that wasted money and favored her friends, and the church would be better off if she were eased out of her job, but there’s one member of our church who is so obnoxious and unreasonable in the way he attacks her mistakes that I don’t want to have anything to do with him. He has brought a lawsuit against the church that could hurt all of us and sees any offer of compromise as an effort to deceive him. I think he’s paranoid, but meanwhile I’m paralyzed because, even if I agree with his basic point, I don’t know how to move ahead without encouraging him and joining with a person I despise. My goal is save our church from bad management without having to encourage, or be seen as encouraging, an obnoxious, crazy jerk.
The enemy of your enemy may be your friend, but the enemy of the entire world is still a toxic Asshole™ you naturally want to avoid at all costs, even if you share a common goal.
Since your goal seems unselfish and idealistic, it’s especially painful to have it hijacked by the one person who can drive everyone else away. The more personal his attacks, the more support he’ll create for the administrator who needs to be fired. Even if you’re on the right side of things, the Asshole™ being on that side makes it wrong.
Ignoring how annoyed you are with both the Asshole™ and the accused administrator, add up the benefits and risks of firing her. Unless her actions make it unavoidable, you don’t want to stir up a fight in the congregation. Some people might say that church should be a place of greater purity and moral rectitude and its employees held to a higher standard, but that notion starts religious wars (and contradicts the actions of the Vatican). Yes, there are some crimes that are intolerable, but in most cases you’re more interested in pursuing acceptance and mutual respect, even if that means accepting some impropriety and administrative inefficiency.
If you decide that action is necessary, remember that backroom politics were invented to help people get things done when a horribly obnoxious loudmouth makes it impossible to have a meaningful public discussion. We now understand that many such people can’t help themselves; they have strong opinions about how other people should behave and no awareness of their motivations or reactions, particularly to their own demeaning statements.
You may have to put lots of work into circulating your opinion outside a general meeting, gathering a majority, and agreeing on a course of action, but it beats the alternative. Consider it to be both a test of your resolve and an Asshole™ shield. Having avoided taking part in a public, personal attack, do what you can to cushion the blow of her firing and avoid humiliating her or her supporters by paying respect to her contributions and showing no personal dislike, regardless of your deeper feelings.
Unlike your would-be ally, you aren’t trying to root out evil and punish corruption, just to clean up an unfortunate mess while showing respect for those who disagree with you and preserving a community of relationships that are more important than any one political issue.
With some careful maneuvering, you can be on the same side of the Asshole™ without getting shit on in the process.
STATEMENT:
“I’m annoyed by the mistakes of my church administrator and infuriated by the tone of the attacks that have been made on her. I will do nothing about this problem, however, unless I think it’s necessary, and then do all I can, behind the scenes, to avoid public humiliation and build a consensus that does not insult those who disagree with it.”
I know I did the right thing when I filed a job discrimination suit against my boss, who’s notorious for making sexist put-downs and treating women as if we’re sluts and objects, but since I did it, everyone at work has become strangely silent. I know other women there who share my disgust for him, but management has been ordered by company lawyers to treat me very, very carefully and no one at work wants to be seen as siding with me or they’ll become pariahs too. Everyone is nice but distant and their polite distance is making me feel totally isolated. I can’t quit without jeopardizing my suit, but staying has got me really depressed. My goal is to stand up against something I know is wrong without driving myself crazy.
I hope your lawyer warned you that, though your anti-discrimination lawsuit might eventually bring you a dose of deserved justice, it would almost certainly first bring you an added dollop of unjust pain. That’s the way things work when you’re not on TV and don’t get instant access to justice, or even Judge Judy.
The better your case, the quicker the company lawyers will order your bosses to clean up their act and create tons of written evidence showing that they’re polite, professional, and caring while they watch for a legitimate reason to put you on probation and, after sincere attempts to improve your performance, regretfully terminate your ass. That’s standard operating procedures and it sucks for everyone, particularly you.
If your job was becoming unbearable, your suit may nevertheless be worth it. Feeling angry and humiliated may not, on its own, be worth suing for, but a suit may well be worthwhile if you can’t stand working there anymore, know you have a good case, and are ready to leave. Even then, once you sue you many need to persuade future employers that you don’t have a chip on your shoulder about administration. If your boss is a true pig, however, then it’s probably less of a chip and more of a cross that you’d bear with pride.
Now that the lawsuit is underway, the important thing to remind yourself is that nothing about work relationships is personal, even though it feels that way, and that you need as much support as possible outside of work because personal relationships at work will be a desert.
Also, you need an exit strategy; lawsuits destroy relationships and make it almost impossible to work together, so don’t force yourself to stay at work to prove to colleagues that you’re right and that they can’t get to you. Work is about making a living without going crazy, not making a point about pride.
So collect your strength, write off your old job, and focus on your next move. As long as you’re there, do a decent day’s work so that you’ll know you don’t deserve the criticism you will probably get, but don’t let making a decent effort get in the way of your job search.
Unjust criticism shouldn’t change your opinion about the value of your work, your lack of respect for your boss, or your determination to look for something better. It should instead strengthen your resolve until justice, or better, Judge Judy, finally arrives.
STATEMENT:
“The first victim of my lawsuit, in terms of feeling punished, is me, but I expected that to happen. I won’t let shunning or unjust criticism change my values, my willingness to work hard, or my effort to find a square deal at my next place of employment.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 23, 2013
As we often say, approaching dating as a “search for love” is like trying to keep people safe by starting a “war on terror;” since you can’t date love and you can’t kill hate, your quest is likely to be frustrating. Sometimes people doing a mate-search have a good idea about what to look for but don’t have the good work habits they need for the job. Others with fine work habits get staggered when the carefully chosen prince or princess they kiss turns out to be a frog. Remember, unless you’re very lucky, any search requires both a disciplined method and an acceptance of the fact that good matches are hard to find. The less romantic you are in your methods, the more romantic you can let yourself feel later on, but at the outset, figure out exactly who, not what, you’re looking for, in order to have good—or any—results.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve struggled with depression several times in the past (that I’ve gotten out of through exercise, counseling and little cognitive therapy workbooks), so sad feelings are hardly new to me. But the sudden way they come about lately has me really freaked out. I actually like my job. If I let my work pay for more schooling, and I stick with it, I could make a really good life for myself. These mood swings seem to mostly exaggerate sad feelings I already have about not getting any and might be related to PMS, although I’ve never had period-related mood swings like this before in my life. Despite being an attractive, young girl that likes to go out and be social, I’ve never had a long-term boyfriend. I’m so frustrated that I can’t find a guy that I’m both attracted to and think is a good person, and that likes me back. (Habits like spending money on expensive clothes instead of student loans, and drinking lots on the weekends don’t help.) I eventually want babies (I think I would be a great mom), a partner, a garden, and to be a good person so my goal is to somehow control these mood swings, and maybe take online dating a little more seriously. I just want your opinion first.
From what you’ve said, my opinion isn’t far from your own; your values and goals are good, but your habits and mood swings aren’t. You’ve found a job you care about and want to get better at, but between dips of depression, drinking, and being distracted by the wrong guys, you’re stuck.
It’s not unusual for depression to push people into bad habits, like drinking and other feel-better-now-sorry-later activities, just in case the disease alone isn’t doing enough to make you feel like a pathetic loser who can’t get work done or have normal social relationships.
As you’re well aware, it takes time, lots of practice, and even worksheets to keep your perspective and hold your ground against an invasion of negative depressive thoughts. If you want my opinion on that specifically, I think it sucks, but there’s no way around it, and drinking only makes them worse. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 4, 2013
Even though we now live in an age when communication is technically easier than ever, there are still plenty of people who have trouble interpreting other people’s words; their phone might get a clear signal, but their brain does not. Some people read too much into what others think of them while others are oblivious, but no matter how you tend to misinterpret your fellow man, don’t trust your feelings-skewed understanding until you’ve first looked at the evidence and given time and experience a chance to tell you whether you’re making the right call or dropping it.
–Dr. Lastname
My problem is a lack of trust and a great deal of insecurities. I am suspicious of my boyfriend and of my friends. I feel like everyone had ulterior motives, and I can’t help that being the first thing that springs to mind if someone is too busy to see me, or even if they ask me to do something with them (my thoughts – maybe they feel sorry for me). I feel sorry for myself, when I have no great reason too. My life isn’t so bad. This might not sound like much but to be tormented with it everyday… It feels like much. My goal is to trust and have more confidence in myself and in others.
It’s a mistake to lump mistrustful feelings together with mistrustful actions when you describe yourself as a mistrustful person; lots of people describe themselves as having bad tempers, but not all of them allow those tempers to land them in jail.
As such, if you mistrust your boyfriend enough to dump him for no reason or force him to list the reasons he loves you every day, then you’ve got a serious problem. Not serious enough to be criminal, but serious enough to be screwed.
If, on the other hand, you have mistrustful feelings but have nevertheless found yourself a trustworthy boyfriend and sustained a relationship that works for both of you, then you’ve got a painful syndrome that you’re managing very well; you’re not mistrustful, then, you simply feel mistrust. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
