Posted by fxckfeelings on November 29, 2012
Whether traumatic or dynamic, having an early and/or intense sexual experience can make you worry that your ability to have solid adult relationships will be damaged. While sexual trauma can make intimacy scary, and sexual overstimulation can distract you from it, there are ways to move past your past. If you have a clear vision of partnership and the discipline to implement it, sexual feelings need never control your life. You may never stop them from causing pain and distraction, but they can never stop you from finding and being a good partner moving forward.
–Dr. Lastname
I recently had a severe panic attack that lead me to believing I was molested as a young child. From what I know, I lost my virginity to a man in his 20s when I was 13 years old, or in 7th grade. After visiting with some old friends, I brought up an event which had happened when we were 13 years old that involved men in their late 20s or older, alcohol, and oral sex. She was horrified I brought it up, but to me, it was something that was part of my life, but after heading home that night, I began to think that maybe it wasn’t so normal for young girls to be having sex and that’s when my panic attack sunk in. For some background, I was “raised” by a 15-year-old mother who I believe loved me, but was at times, emotionally abusive and manipulative, and often times neglectful as she also had three other children after me. My father was also very young and inconsistent, I often went months without hearing from him and longer not seeing him. Anyways, eventually I lost my virginity to a man in his 20s which lead to years of promiscuity with much older men. My brother is now in his 20s and I try to gain perspective by mentally placing him next to what I perceive as a 13-14 year old, but I really can’t process the age difference. I don’t necessarily feel like a victim because I felt like such a willing participant, but lately, I’ve had this deep terrifying feeling that this sexual history goes back much further than I can remember. Although I can’t figure out what happened to me as a child, I do have these “flashbacks” that sometimes make no sense and I can’t seem to place them on a timeline, but my mind will immediately discard them and a sense of panic will set in. My goal is to come to terms with my history so I can start processing and begin to heal.
Being forced by a chance perspective to reexamine your basic assumptions about your childhood—whom you could trust, how safe you really were—can create a domino effect of doubt.
You’re now compelled to call your entire sexual history into question and wonder whether anxiety and flashbacks are side effects of the shock, or legitimate signals of unremembered sexual trauma. Between what you do remember and your lack of parental protection as a child, it could mean that you were sexually abused.
It’s never certain, however, that recalling such an experience in therapy can produce healing, and there’s a danger that delving into childhood trauma may make you feel more helpless and trap you in loops of negative thinking that keep the dominoes of doubt in perpetual free-fall. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 26, 2012
If you suffer from anxiety and depression, you know they’re like your own mental Statler and Waldorf, the two Muppet balcony hecklers, except less cute and more evil, spewing criticism that impairs your ability to feel confident and make decisions. Even when they don’t prevent you from achieving significant accomplishments, anxiety and/or depression make you believe you didn’t do as well as you should have. So, if you suffer from anxiety, learn how to tune out its constant negative chatter, or, even better, be proud of your ability to go on with the show.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m 37 years old, nearly 38. I’m undecided on whether or not to have a child. My mother died 12 years ago and I’ve been in and out of depression ever since. I definitely have a lot to be grateful for, but a lot of times I feel like I just can’t go on—the sadness and loss are still unbearable. The other thing is that I have been dealing with very bad insomnia since my mom’s death, which also makes life very difficult. I haven’t had a lot of long-term relationships but I’m in one now and it’s been 2 years. The relationship is good and he is a good man, but I’ve never had that feeling of “knowing” if he’s the right person/life long partner. There’s always something missing for me and I suppose it’s from the loss of my mom, and the reason I usually end up breaking up with boyfriends. I don’t want to keep that pattern going as I’ll end up alone. Because of my age I feel like time is of the essence and I need to make a decision—on my relationship and having a baby. I have always thought that I would have a child and I am a loving/giving person and love kids, but it’s so hard to take care of myself sometimes, I wonder if it’s right for me to me to have one. My partner wants kids (he would be a wonderful father) and I told him I’m not ready yet, but will I ever be? My goal is to come to a decision and be at peace with it.
You’ve had more than your share of pain in life, so it’s understandable that the things that should make you feel happiness, like a good relationship, are buried by exhaustion and a lingering sense of pain and loss.
Your pain hasn’t distracted you, however, from the fact that certain things make life meaningful, even when the joy they inspire doesn’t register. Apparently, two of those things for you are raising kids and having a relationship, which matter to you despite knowing that you’ll sometimes be unable to function or feel anything other than misery.
If that’s what’s meaningful to you, don’t ask yourself whether motherhood or marriage will make you happy, whether your feelings will ever be normal, or whether you’ll always be able to function as a parent. Unfortunately, it’s not your lot in life to have normal expectations about feelings or function. That doesn’t mean, however, that you can’t achieve normal goals if you’re prepared to make realistic adjustments. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 19, 2012
Normally, whoever breaks a marriage vow has first dibs on feeling guilty, but divorce, like marriage itself, is often a team effort. Often, what actually drives you away from a committed relationship isn’t restlessness or lust, but a deep and unavoidable flaw in the relationship itself. Once you confirm that such a flaw exists, don’t blame yourself for having mixed feelings; although good reasons probably remain for staying as well as going, give yourself a valid choice instead of accepting the guilt and taking one for the team.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: The next post will be next Monday, 11/26, since we’re taking time off for American Thanksgiving. We look forward to addressing your crises then.
I’ve made a mess of my marriage by cheating on my husband, and I know it. I wish I could stop, but sometimes I also wish I hadn’t let him talk me into marrying him—I tried to call it off, but he got suicidal, so I felt I had no choice. Still, it wasn’t an awful decision…he’s a good guy, we have great kids and a nice home. But I still find myself wanting to cheat, even though it causes him pain, I can’t seem to stop having occasional flings. These guys don’t really mean anything to me, but I’ve got to stop hurting my family. My goal is to stop.
You might not have a great marriage, but, like a sports team or boy band, a marriage is only as strong as its weakest member. That’s why trades exist, Justin Timberlake went solo, and the mirror is the first place to look if you’re searching for the source of your marital issues.
At this point, the burden of trying to be a good wife drives you into a bad habit that you’re ashamed of, so the worse you feel, the worse your bad habit gets. From a therapist’s point of view, it’s a gift that keeps on giving, but from your point of view, it’s a trap.
If you really want to break the cycle, your first job is clearing your head long enough to figure out whether you really want this marriage or not, challenging the idea that you’re at fault for its failure. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 12, 2012
The problem with drug addiction isn’t just the physical toll of chemical dependency (although that’s problematic, to say the least). On top of the negative effect drugs have on your body, there’s the corrosive effect addiction has on your morality and judgment, which means damage to both body and spirit. It’s addiction’s endless quest for feeling good, despite doing bad things to self and others, that turns you into a bad person. So don’t think that quitting is just a matter of quitting; it also requires getting stronger and caring more about who you are, so being good means more than feeling good ever could.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband never credits me for the way I try to stay sober, he just focuses on the things I do wrong. He claims I trash his things when I’m drunk, and maybe I do, but I love him and I can’t stand the way he’s always angry at me, because his anger makes it very hard for me to get sober. He says I’m always lying but it’s just that I can’t stop myself from saying whatever will stop him from getting angry. My goal is to stop drinking, of course, and I do better when he’s away, but I don’t see how I can do it when he’s around and always angry.
As understandable as it is to care deeply about how your spouse feels about you, it’s dangerous to care more about such feelings than about what’s right or wrong in what you’re doing. In other words, while you may want him to be happy with you, trashing his things isn’t likely to get that result.
That behavior would cause most people to think, not that you’re a caring wife, but a terrible drunk who does bad things to your husband when you’re under the influence. At the same time, you’re more upset about the pain you feel from his anger than about the way your drinking hurts him or compromises your pride in yourself.
Lying and drinking are quick, irresistible reflexes for avoiding pain. Unfortunately, they often make life more painful, which leads to more lying and drinking. In the end, your drinking isn’t your biggest problem; it’s the way drinking has damaged your character. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 8, 2012
Although stopping long-term intensive psychotherapy can leave you in a state of mourning and fear, particularly if it occurs during tough times or against your wishes, it’s unrealistic to expect that returning to therapy will make everything right again. Instead, give yourself time to adjust to change and reassess your ability to stay functional and positive. Then, if you think it’s necessary, find a therapist who’s a good, supportive coach and use him or her for a different kind of therapy that keeps your head straight without stirring up your deeper feelings. If you’re certain that you have to be “in therapy” to get helpful support and are helpless without it, then the therapy you’re in is helping you a lot less than you think.
–Dr. Lastname
In my early 20s I spent 4 years in therapy (which I think in and of itself says a whole lot about the not good place I was in my head). Therapy ended, not because I was ready, but because I moved. I am now 46, and in the years since I continued to work through a lot of things on my own, with my therapist’s voice in my head, if no longer in actual therapy sessions. In January my grandmother took a turn for the worse, with both health and cognition, and we had to place her in full nursing care. She has always been one of the most influential and positive forces in my life, so I had a hard time dealing with this. It sent me spiraling down into my 4th lifetime episode of depression. I’ve started back on Prozac, which I now realize I need to stay on for the rest of my life to try to prevent future recurrences, and I’ve spent the last 10 months in therapy with my former therapist via phone sessions as we now live 1,000 miles apart. I have finished working through a lot of stuff in that time, meaning I’ve changed my attitudes and perceptions and behaviors, which has changed my life, inner and outer. I wish I’d figured it out 25 years ago, during that first round of therapy, but better late than never. It’s been a hard year. My grandmother died 7 weeks ago. The grief hit me more than I ever imagined. I thought I’d prepared in those months when she was slowly dying, but I was wrong. What is the saying—Where there is no struggle, there is no strength? Good growth has come of the pain—I have returned to college, and I am training for my first full marathon in January. I am at a truly good place in my head and was ready to end therapy, so two weeks ago, with my therapist’s blessing, I had my last session. I knew, though, that ending therapy because I am truly ready is a celebration, but that it would also be a loss. It is currently hitting me harder than I imagined. How do I get through this and find a place of healthy acceptance of this transition?
While it’s unfortunate that stopping intensive psychotherapy after many years is hitting you hard, it’s not surprising. As you well know, loss is painful, be it the death of a loved one or the end of a source of support.
That said, your pain doesn’t mean your psychotherapy has been less complete than you thought or that you stopped it too soon, just that you can be a solid, resilient person and also be very sensitive to loss, both because of temperament and circumstances. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 5, 2012
The problem with bipolar illness often isn’t the mood swings, though they’re no picnic; it’s the strong, powerful feelings that persist even when one is perfectly symptom-free. These feelings seem totally meaningful as long as you’re in-the-moment, which is where a bipolar person happens to call home. So, if you are bipolar, don’t think your friends or family are calling you childish, selfish, or crazy when they disagree with your extremely important plans. They’re simply warning you that you need to use a different kind of thinking—the kind that doesn’t come naturally—if you want to do right by your values. If you use your whole brain, not just the bipolar part, you’ll get results that will eventually come closer to where you really want to go, no matter where your moods or impulses try to lead you.
–Dr. Lastname
My son has been off his rocker several times because of bipolar illness, but these days, at the age of 30, he usually takes his medication and often keeps a job for half a year or so. The main instability in his life is his drug-addicted, money-sucking girlfriend who steals from him to feed her habit, forcing them to move from place to place because he has nothing left for the rent. You get the picture. I hate her because she prevents my son from crawling out of poverty and I can’t help him because anything I give him goes to her. Of course, the more I hate her, the more he loves her, and now they want to get married. Now, the punch line. He wants me to pay for the wedding, the way I paid for his brother’s. Of course I’m going to say “no,” but how do I avoid having another fight with him and driving him and his Princess Bride closer together?
Whether the question of how much to pay for your son’s wedding to his deadbeat addict girlfriend is one of etiquette, economics, feelings-management, or a mix of all three, the answer is the same: your job is to do what’s best for your son.
Luckily, as sometimes happens, what you want to do is also what you should do, but keeping negative feelings out of your communication is helpful to everyone, including yourself. So, while the question isn’t all about being polite, the way you deliver your answer is.
What you’ve learned from bitter experience, unfortunately, is that giving to your son causes more harm than good by feeding his fiancée’s addiction to both drugs and your son’s attention. You’ve got good reason then to feel angry about what’s happened, or likely to happen, to your possible gifts, and also to think that they’re not a good idea in the first place.
Your job, however, is to use this bitter experience to fashion a positive lesson, which you can do by telling him how much you’d like to give to him, if only that he could make good use of your resources, i.e., he could benefit from a gift if he and his girlfriend were sober, working, and saving. Without sounding bitter or moralistic, you can tell him your conditions, and that if they can’t be met, you don’t think a gift, or a wedding, will be good for either one of them.
Of course, he will probably disagree and accuse you of trying to control his life or punish his girlfriend, but you need to stick to your message. Whom he loves and wishes to marry is his business, whether you like her or not, so expressing your feelings about his girlfriend or marriage is a bad idea. Make it clear that you want to help him get ahead, and you’re sorry you can’t agree that this is a good idea at this stage. You’re just doing your job, and while there’s no further discussion, there are good options for him and his girlfriend if they can get it together.
Asking yourself to keep your disappointment under control is similar to what you’re asking him to do– what’s right rather than what feels good. Whenever he wants something, you have a teaching opportunity, both for him and yourself.
Your goal isn’t to punish or criticize; it’s to express how strongly you’d like to help him and specify the circumstances that would allow you to do so. Maybe he’ll push his girlfriend to rise to the challenge or, if she can’t, he’ll push her away. Meanwhile, you know you did the right thing by him and the family resources.
STATEMENT:
“My skin crawls when I think about my son’s parasitic girlfriend, but I know he can’t help his blind love. Until events free him, I will offer what I can and take pride in my ability to say “no” when necessary, regardless of how he feels about it.”
My wife’s bipolar illness usually makes her spontaneous and fun, so I’d have to say we have a good marriage and have raised great kids. (As long as she takes her medication, her mood swings seldom cause serious trouble.) The only thing that bothers me is that she has an obsessive need to collect high-end antique furniture. Since she has great taste and a good inheritance, her acquisitions are usually valuable and often gain in value, and she’d be a great dealer except she hates to sell one of her precious babies and doesn’t have a feel for the market. As a result, she may well wind up losing what we need for our retirement and our house looks like a classy version of Hoarders. Whether I plead or yell about her next mega-purchase, she doesn’t listen. In all other matters, she’s generous, hardworking, and loves to make her family happy. My goal is to save our savings from her love of beautiful things.
Given your sympathetic understanding of your wife’s love of beautiful furniture, you may find it hard to think practically about the consequences of her spending on your family. Nevertheless, that’s the place to begin; regardless of your feelings (see above), your job is to figure out whether the family finances are in danger, create a budget that will protect them, determine what your own area of control is, and use it.
Sharing your emotions about her spending probably weakens your effectiveness; expressing yours just stimulates her emotions, and they’re stronger and last longer than yours. It’s not that she loves you less than she loves her furniture (although, at certain moments, that may be true), it’s that her lust for acquisitions is stronger than her fear of your disapproval.
Once you’ve found a safe spending limit, however, you don’t have to share negative emotions. Instead, be positive about the pleasures of working within those limits, assuming she can sell as well as buy, and appeal to your common desire to maintain the security of your family finances through the next generation. At the same time, make it clear you will withdraw your own financial or other support in the interest of protecting the budget if she can’t control her spending.
Don’t let fear or anger control your actions or communication. If you’re forced to put up obstacles to her spending, you’re sorry and it’s for a good reason, and, as in the situation above, it’s from necessity and not feelings. If your wife accuses you of acting like a hard-hearted, unloving CFO, don’t change your message. You’re sorry she feels that way but you’re sure you love her, she loves you, and she loves furniture. You’re also sure that the best way of protecting her business and the family fortune is to work within a budget.
With luck, conviction, and toughness, and no pleading, crying, or fuming, you can probably win her agreement to a budget with firm spending limits. She may not like it, but she’ll probably agree that it’s necessary because of the values you both believe in, regardless of the value of her finds.
STATEMENT:
“As much as I hate fighting with my wife, standing against her views when I’m not angry is harder. Knowing that our finances are at risk, however, I will create a budget that is fair and safe and stand by it, for everyone’s sake.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 1, 2012
When a severe disappointment breaks you down, the pain is nothing compared to the damage done to the way you see yourself and your world. If despair sweeps away your most important values and relationships, it may leave loved ones with no way to help or save you from yourself, making repairs impossible. If, on the other hand, you retain some perspective and a sense of humor, you can fight the negative thoughts that flood your brain, regain respect for your own resources, accept the help that others offer, and rebuild yourself into someone better than before.
–Dr. Lastname
I have really fond memories of my mother until I was eleven, at which point she became a drunk. Before then, she was really happy and loving and had lots of friends, but my father later explained to me that she lost a job she was very attached to, felt it was unfair, and became very bitter. My father loved her and did everything to help her, but she didn’t seem to care, even though the worse she did, the more she hated herself. He finally gave up, left, and took us kids with him because she couldn’t care for us. Recently (about 15 years later) I heard she tried to kill herself with alcohol and almost succeeded. I’ve been angry at her, because we were once close and I tried to help her, but now I’m afraid she’ll die and I still can’t understand how someone as nice and loving as she used to be could drink herself to death with so many people around her who love her. My goal is to find some peace between us before or after her death.
Alcoholism, like severe mental illness, sometimes lets people develop nice, warm personalities and rich lives before it declares itself. Out of nowhere, it changes the way their brains process information and feeling, and turns them into self-absorbed ghosts of who they used to be.
The mother you remember may well deserve your respect, but she vanished after disappointment triggered her addiction, making her incapable of loving others or saving herself. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 29, 2012
It takes strong character to declare that you’re where the buck stops, but when the problem is a runaway 18-wheeler, taking it on looks less brave and more foolish. Good leaders should be willing to take responsibility and work hard, but if they don’t develop other skills, they’re in deep trouble, bound to be taken down (or run over) by pride in their own problem-solving strength. So if you happen to be one of those can-do, bring-it-on overachievers, don’t put all your faith in the value of hard work and responsibility before you learn to respect your limits and the greater value of working within them. If you don’t learn to pass the buck once in a while—be it at work, in your marriage, or in life in general—you’ll be the one passed over.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve worked for the same company for 25 years and I take pride in my reputation as a capable project manager who can always find ways to get good results on deadline and under budget. The last project, however, was terribly under-resourced and we just haven’t been able to satisfy all the people who lined up for our product. I poured my heart and soul into it and now I feel terrible, because I always take complete responsibility for any project that I manage, so this failure is mine, and I’m not too cowardly to admit it. I wish my boss would get me the resources I need, but he’s useless. It’s gotten me very depressed. My goal is to get through to my boss that he has to get me those resources or I’m going to go down in flames.
Sturdy competence, total commitment, and self-reliance are wonderful day-to-day traits in a manager, but they backfire in the face of The Impossible Project, becoming dangerous to both your career and mental health (and a gift to my profession).
No matter how competent, motivated, efficient and otherwise gifted you are, sooner or later you encounter The Impossible Project, like the great white whale. It will always be underperforming, over-budget, and overtime, and it will have no solution. The only question is, how many people will it drag down into the briny depths along with it. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 25, 2012
Sometimes it’s healthier to be plagued by self-doubt than blessed by a sense of righteous self-certainty. Sure, self-doubt hurts, but it never has to stop you from making good decisions, just from feeling good about them. And while self-certainty is an amazingly good local anesthetic for self-doubt, it can also make you impervious to criticism or the input you need to make good moral choices. Take comfort then if you tend to question your decisions, because it’s better to feel doubt and think twice than to be too confident to think at all.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t make a decision without second-guessing myself a hundred times. Like, I recently decided to finally buy a classic car, which was being offered at a reasonable price (I’m a fan of the manufacturer, did my research, and have generally been planning this for a long time). When I found that someone else had offered the asking price, I put in a bid that was a good deal higher, and got it. Now I think the higher purchase price was justified, but I could have taken my time and tried to negotiate a lower price, and then I would have been more satisfied. I can’t stop thinking of what might have happened. I just wish I was more decisive and sure of myself.
There’s not much point in second-guessing your second-guessing tendencies unless you want to punish yourself for having a second-guessing-style mind, and that would be cruel (and confusing, since you’re fourth-guessing yourself at this point).
You may not like second-guessers, but here’s one truth you need to accept at face value; since you happen to be a chronic self-doubter, you’d better learn to be nice to them, because that’s what you have to live with. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 22, 2012
People often equate their freedom of speech with the freedom to spew, which is nothing other than the freedom to hurt themselves and others; on the other hand, exercising one’s freedom to stew and stay passive-aggressively silent isn’t much better. Rights come with responsibility, so even though you are entitled to open your mouth, you should shut up and think about consequences. Then, when you need to make an unpopular statement, you can do so with respect while protecting yourself from sounding and acting like a jerk. As the ol’ “Team America” song goes, “Freedom isn’t free,” but if the price is taking the time to consider the weight of your words, it’s worth the bill.
–Dr. Lastname
I think a father should be able to tell his son what he really thinks, so I let him know I wasn’t pleased about his not wanting to invite my sister to his wedding. I know he doesn’t particularly like her (he finds her pushy and inappropriate) and his fiancée likes her even less, but I need my sister to be there for me and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I’ve told by son I’m willing to pay for the extra plate if he’ll just do this for me, but he says I’ve always tried to control his life and he feels abused by my criticism. I don’t know how we can have a real relationship, though, if I don’t let him know when he makes me angry. My friends don’t have this problem with their kids. I don’t think it helps him to get away with being a jerk when I’ve supported him all his life and what I’m asking for isn’t such a big deal.
You’re not alone in having wedding-focused emotional needs that contradict common sense strategic goals—we’ve written before about how people foolishly think weddings have more to do with floral arrangements than a family’s future—but that doesn’t mean expressing those emotional needs, or emotions in general, isn’t a terrible idea.
Just to clarify, your strategic goal is to visit with your future grandchildren and keep your son’s marriage stable—and not by giving your son and his wife a common enemy they both hate more than they irritate one another (we’re not talking about your dear sis). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
