Posted by fxckfeelings on May 26, 2011
People like to call one another on bad behavior, and, thanks to the likes of Oprah, think that such acts of “openness” are a good idea. What they’re forgetting is that most badly behaved adults want to behave that way, have their own reasons for thinking it’s OK, and are ready to behave even worse if confronted, threatened, or attacked. If you want to continue and/or improve your relationship with a badly behaved person, don’t give him/her an earful s/he doesn’t want to hear. Offer a proposal for a better way of behaving, your plan for making it worthwhile, and your intentions in case it’s declined. You can’t whip anyone into shape, but you may persuade someone to develop better manners, for their own reasons, on their own terms, in a now Oprah-free universe.
–Dr. Lastname
My crazy ex-wife’s bitterness and sabotage blocked me from seeing our son, but when he got to college and out of her grasp, I hoped that 20 years of patience was paying off and I could finally begin to revive a long interrupted relationship. I’ve tried to show how much I love him and want to help him, and I’ve looked for opportunities to give him gifts and take him on vacations. The trouble is, I’m beginning to feel that all he wants me for is money and that, otherwise, he either doesn’t care or is angry and suspicious. He asks for things, says thanks, and then disappears until he needs something else. If I ask him why he hasn’t been answering my calls, he gets huffy. My goal is to let him know that I won’t put up with that crap and try to make the relationship work the way it should.
The main barrier to a good relationship between you and your son isn’t your ex and all the lost years, but the fact that, according to your son, it’s your problem to fix, not his.
After all, whether you like/deserve it or not, you have a needy and untrustworthy rep, and at this point, you don’t know if it’s because he’s brainwashed, oblivious, or a jerk.
Time will tell, and the best way to make the best of what’s there, be it a good kid with bad ideas or a bad kid with bad ideas, is to keep your expectations low, your feelings to yourself, and your needs in check.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 19, 2011
Lot of people can’t control their own behavior 100% of the time and no one can control anyone else’s behavior, but there’s a big difference between biting your nails and sleeping all day, or between dodging someone’s road rage and watching them starve themselves to death. No matter how bad the behavior or how helpless it makes you feel, knowing that you’re not responsible for a solution can give you the courage to do some good and respect yourself and other control-impaired people, regardless of what happens or how bad it is.
–Dr. Lastname
So you say “fxck feelings” and act on what I can change. How do I sit through a feeling and get to the other side of it without resorting to destructive habits (eating/not getting out of bed/no proper sleep because if I go to bed I will think and feel and remember as I’m falling asleep of all those things that I don’t want to keep remembering and that make me sad) that compound those feelings instead of dull/diffuse them? My goal is to live (emphasis on the word “live”) through a feeling until it goes away or at least becomes akin to white noise, instead of distracting myself away from a feeling with destructive behavior/habits to avoid it until I’ve made it ten times worse.
In one of her short stories, author Lorrie Moore describes two explorers captured by an angry tribe of natives in the jungle. The explorers are offered the chose of “death or Roo Roo,” and the first man choses Roo Roo, which turns out to be lethal torture. The second man then opts for death, so he is killed…by Roo Roo.
What you’re dealing with is a death-or-Roo Roo situation.
You either let depressive sleep impulses drive you to destructive habits that feel better in the short run and hurt you more in the end, or you suck it up until it’s not so bad (or you get distracted by something worse) and even then it’s not great. Alas, it’s a jungle out there.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 16, 2011
Couples, like sports teams, tend to react to one another with reflexive reactions that bypass the higher centers of the brain in order to better facilitate working together as a unit. It takes no more than a look or an innocent question, however, to put you on the defensive before you know what you’re defending against or the harm you’re going to do by responding so fast. Then you’ve got an error against you and a very angry fan base (even if it’s a fan base of one). Instead of pushing for resolution, take a solo time out, rethink your strategy, and sooner or later, you’ll both be back in the huddle, figuring out your next move together.
–Dr. Lastname
I hate it when my husband and I squabble over something stupid, and then he falls silent and stops communicating, and it’s like he’s left the room. It drives me crazy. It’s true, I’m not thrilled about doing his bidding when I don’t have the time, or when his requests don’t make any sense, but if he let me know how important it is to him instead of sulking, I’m sure I would do it and then we wouldn’t have to go through this pain. My goal is to get him to communicate better.
If you’re the sort of person who can’t stand it when someone you love is angry and silent, your best mate might be a parrot.
You may try to find ways to help your beloved and avoid your pain, but don’t. Sometimes, reaching out to angry people will get them to lash out at you because they want a time-out, or it will let them know they can get to you by sulking, so they’ll use silence as a weapon.
Anger sends the same signal from any animal, from human to bear—go away, or stick around at your peril.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 12, 2011
Speaking without thinking first is like Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates– stupid (plus, you never know what you’re going to get). When emotion wins out over thought, people either feel compelled to tell the truth and other times they feel compelled to lie, and it doesn’t usually help to figure out why since the speaking didn’t give it much consideration in the first place. In order to avoid saying something true or untrue that you’ll regret, it’s important is to give yourself the time to figure out what you believe is best to say, according to your own ideas of right and wrong, and what will probably happen next. You’re only obligated to tell the truth if you’re under oath; otherwise, your obligation is to yourself, your values, and your need to change the subject.
–Dr. Lastname
As a middle manager, I’ve always been interested in ideas about good management, so when the new senior managers at my company asked for suggestions, I gave them an honest response and suggested they cultivate a culture that encourages less overwork and more creativity. It was no secret that I thought they were pushing people too hard and burning them out, which was not the way things used to be at the company. Well, things have been frosty since, so I want to know how to tell the truth without getting into trouble.
I assume you’re not working at a truth-factory. Hence, it’s not your job to tell the truth.
Instead, your job, like anyone’s job, is to do a good day’s work and make a living. Unfortunately, telling the truth is not compatible with that goal.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 9, 2011
Parents get a lot of blame when something goes wrong in their kids’ lives, and a fair share of it is heaped on by those in my industry. The lion’s share, however, comes from parents themselves, and that feeling of responsibility, no matter who assigns it, is great at making things worse. The truth is that parents have little control over their kids’ weaknesses or the fact that life is sometimes hard and painful beyond their powers of protection. Accept this sad truth, and you’ll become a much more effective parent and much less blaming of your spouse and your kid, whether Freud’s disciples admit it or not.
–Dr. Lastname
I still can’t understand why my 15-year-old daughter would purposely overdose. I understand she’s always been an emotional kid and that she hasn’t been happy lately, but my husband and I love her. We’ve always told her we want to hear about any problem she wants to share with us, and she knows it would kill us to lose her. Still, she seems to have no remorse for what her suicide might have done to herself or the rest of the family. My goal is to understand how she could do it and teach her a sense of responsibility so it won’t happen again.
In many ways, a suicide attempt is like a natural disaster; you shouldn’t bother asking why it happened, or what if you had done things differently. Whether you blame global warming or God’s wrath, it won’t change the fact that it happened or that there is at least some chance that it will happen again.
The moment you think you understand the reason, you’ll think you know what she did wrong, or, at least, what she should have done better, and that will just make her feel more like a loser, and more like doing it again. Or you’ll think you know what you or your husband did wrong, which will make you feel like losers and blame one another, and make her feel like doing it again.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 5, 2011
People like to turn to an authority when they’re helpless, and if that helplessness only applied to 911-like situations, there would be no problem. For problems that don’t involve theft or fire but sadness and family, however, authority is useless; sure, doctors like me can give advice, but until medical schools start borrowing from Hogwarts’ curriculum, the best resources you have are your own. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you’ll learn to draw on your own authority to come up with the best possible management plan and execute it with confidence. You are your own best first responder.
–Dr. Lastname
I need to find a doctor who will tell my daughter she needs to take her medication. She’s always had a problem with depression, and she did well in high school when she took antidepressants. Now, however, she’s 24 and very reactive to however she’s feeling, whether it’s not getting out of bed, or not working, or feeling dizzy and deciding it’s the medication and stopping it. My husband and I can’t get her to stick with anything, and she won’t listen to us in any case, so our goal is to get you, or some professional, to tell her what she needs to do.
Whenever parents want a doctor to tell their kid what to do, you can be pretty sure they’ve lost faith in themselves and overestimated the power of communication/a medical degree.
And no, it doesn’t matter how old the kid is or how many Harvard degrees the doctor has; the doctor doesn’t have more power than the parents, no matter how powerless the parents feel.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 21, 2011
Love without trust is always a painful, combustible combination. If your partner does something to lose your trust, s/he’s got to get lost, no matter how much love remains, and you’ve got to learn your lesson and move on. If you can’t trust someone whose behavior is OK because your trusting feelings just won’t come, then maybe the pain is worse, because there’s nothing to learn and nothing to do. In either case, when the trust goes, acknowledge that you’re not going to get what you want and need to settle for the best possible disaster before everything blows up in your face.
–Dr. Lastname
My partner cheated on me while I was pregnant with our baby, and kept ME the secret. He told lies about me and told people that we were no longer together so that he could openly date the other woman. I’m struggling to stop thinking about it all, and the whole ordeal has triggered a particularly intense bout of depression and self-harm. I have hundreds of questions I feel I need answers to, but my partner is 100% unwilling to discuss the matter, seeing it as “dragging up the past”. My goal is to be able to get through the day without memories of the betrayal and the gossip that surrounded it intruding on my life.
When a guy hides his relationship with you when you’re pregnant, you don’t have hundreds of questions that need answers; you’ve got a few simple, sad, unpleasant answers that need to be accepted.
After all, you’re not doing a PhD in trying to understand him. That’s a waste of time and, like most inquiries into the sad “whys” of this universe, a sneaky way of avoiding acceptance.
You could see it as him not being that into you, but the reality is that he’s not into anyone, at all, except for himself. At this point, the only important question is one you have to ask yourself, and it’s figuring out what’s the right thing for you to do, regardless of what your should-be-ex might think.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 18, 2011
Attention span is much in demand these days, what with the expansion in time we spend in school, at work, and in front of computers, but like all mental traits, from anxiety to passivity, it contains its own strengths and weaknesses, whether yours is big or small. Whatever your attention level drives you to do, then, (or distracts you from doing), don’t take it too personal. It’s not a failing or disability, just a trait, and if you can accept and manage it, you can forget about what’s in demand.
–Dr. Lastname
Whatever I’m really feeling, I’m a boundless ball of cheery energy when it comes to my job search. Give me a likely prospect (I’m an engineer) and, within a day, I’ve researched the company and can send out a cover letter that’s more like a consultation, containing answers for questions they didn’t even know they had. I’m confident I’m doing a good job, but it’s really painful when I put lots of work into a possible job application, get an interview or two, and then nothing. My goal is to have these failures not get to me as much as they do.
As usual, the problem isn’t whether things get to you too much—you can’t change your sensitivity—it’s what you do about it. Lots of people get enraged sometimes, but most manage to stew instead of punch. And so with sensitivity.
If the frustration gets you to give up, lose faith in yourself, and stop searching, then it’s a problem. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 14, 2011
It’s hard to believe in yourself when the one you love rejects you, or even just rejects your motives when you’re trying to do right. If there’s no way to feel good unless you can correct him/her, yourself or the situation, forget about feeling good (duh) and decide for yourself whether doing something wrong and rejection have anything to do with one another (after all, sometimes, it’s really not you, it’s them). If they do, congratulations, you’re allowed to improve yourself. If not, prepare to reject a tidy resolution and stand up for yourself while carrying a broken heart.
–Dr. Lastname
I know it’s dumb to date a co-worker, but my ex works in a totally different department—we see each other around the office, but he isn’t my boss (although he was a boss). He’s also generally liked and respected by all, so nobody questioned my choice. We dated for 4 years, and just after we moved in together, he turned 45, freaked out, and said he couldn’t be with anyone. So now I’ve been dumped for no reason by a guy I have to still see all the time who everyone around me loves. It’s impossible for me to get over him, and I’m not leaving my job, so do I just have to wallow in it forever and never move on?
No one gets dumped “for no reason,” particularly when it’s by a 45-year-old guy who was 41 when he met you and had never been married. Do the math.
The only 41-year-old guys who are worth considering for anything other than a casual relationship are guys whose girlfriends died, fled the country, or turned evil, and, in spite of gross humiliation and rejection, the guy stuck around, trying to make it work.
Otherwise, it’s not just a case of “he’s not that into you,” whatever that means; it’s “he’ll never be that into anyone, ever,” other than himself. A lot of guys are like that, and they’re easy to spot since they’re the ones who are still unmarried at 45.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 11, 2011
If you watch basic cable, you’ve seen enough shows about bizarre health problems to know there’s someone out there for everyone, willing to put up with anything; from morbid obesity to tree hands to a lack of sex organs, there’s no physical trait so daunting that there isn’t someone out there (usually someone with low expectations) who can’t accept it. It’s always surprising, then, when people with lesser problems, like illness or bad habits, have trouble getting the same level of unconditional support. Of course, acceptance, as hard as it is, doesn’t mean being a doormat. That’s why the payoff of acceptance is becoming stronger, prouder, and more realistic, even if it never airs on basic cable.
–Dr. Lastname
I like my wife, except when she doesn’t take her bipolar medications, which she hates, and then she becomes nasty, irritable, and overbearing. She makes my life miserable, and I worry about her impact on the kids. My goal is to protect the kids and get her to take her medication.
The best way to keep someone from taking their medication is to persistently ask them whether or not they’ve taken their medication.
That’s not to say that leaving the issue alone will insure she takes her meds, either. The point is, if she doesn’t want to take then, she won’t. The second part of the goal is a no-go.
The best you can do is tactfully encourage your wife to look for her own reasons to take medications. Having done that, you can predict whether it’s ever going to happen, and direct your life accordingly.
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