Posted by fxckfeelings on January 9, 2014
When your kid is a teenager, every decision you make has the potential to cause drama, whether you’re insisting they retake the SATs or refusing to buy them $200 pants. One issue that will have a powder keg quality right into adulthood, however, is whether you think a family relationship should have more together-time or less. More time together may feel like crowding, and less time together may feel like rejection or loss, but either way, be prepared to encounter strong emotions, including your own, when you go to discuss it. First, ask yourself why a change is necessary or beneficial, rather than why your feelings want it. Then prepare to ignore criticism, anger and hurt feelings while you stand by your views and do what’s best, just as you did with the pants.
–Dr. Lastname
I know that my ex and I put the kids through a rough divorce fifteen years ago, and the roughest part, at least from my point of view, was that my ex convinced a judge that the kids shouldn’t see me without supervision. I couldn’t afford that, so the kids basically didn’t see me for about fifteen years, but understanding the problem hasn’t helped me deal with my oldest son now that he’s twenty-one and free to start seeing me again. He’s reached out to me several times, which was wonderful and had me hoping we could rebuild a relationship, but then he’d set up a time to come over for dinner, and I’d cook up something special, and he wouldn’t show up or call for several months. There’s nothing I want more than to re-establish some kind of relationship with him and his younger sister, but I can’t stand setting up times to meet and knocking myself out and then getting stood up. I’m afraid his mother has poisoned his mind against me and I don’t like getting treated like shit. My goal is to be his father, not his doormat.
Whether it’s from a boyfriend, university, or a home loan, rejection is rejection, and even if you know why it’s happening and know there’s nothing you did wrong, it hurts like hell. You could know you’re the most important person in your child’s life, and it would still be hard to be stood up, ignored, disobeyed, and shut out.
When, on top of that, you’re yearning to resume a relationship years after it was stopped by divorce, you’re even more vulnerable and helpless. You already know what your child has discovered; that your need for one another is mutual, as is your ability to hurt one another. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 30, 2013
We’ve said many times that people who loudly, repeatedly declare they’re good or bad at something are often wrong; for example, a self-proclaimed expert cook should not be trusted to boil ramen, and someone who makes it clear they’re a terrible dancer just needs a little prodding before they unleash the boogie. That’s why you should always look deeper when someone says they’re awful or great at parenting, because some good parents are always sure their unloving feelings are messing up their kids when they’re not, and some obviously-not-so-good parents believe that, since they love their kids and love is all important, they’ve got what it takes when they don’t. Instead of rating yourself on the love vs. let-me-out-of-here scale, describe the behaviors necessary for the parenting job and grade yourself using whatever objective feedback and observations you can gather. Then you’ll be able to assess yourself accurately, both in your own mind and in public statements.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: We’re taking Thursday off again, but will be back for the first, glorious Monday of 2014.
I’m pregnant! No celebration though, because I want to terminate the pregnancy. When my husband and I got married, I said I’d have babies—he wanted them, and I always thought eventually I would. I kept putting it off because the biological clock never started ticking, and the thought of motherhood still freaks me out. I never lied to him on purpose, I always thought the mother instinct would kick in at some point because everyone said it’s what women do, become moms. We started “trying” because I couldn’t put it off any longer, although I did everything I could not to get pregnant (sex on non-fertile days, etc.). I know it was stupid, but I love my husband so much, I couldn’t not try. Now that I’m pregnant though, I want to scream. I pray everyday that I miscarry (it’s still early). I know I’m an awful person. He wants this so much and I love him so much. I just think I’ll make a horrible mother and am too selfish and career focused to make a good parent. I want a life, not a baby. What should I do?
Just because the idea of motherhood freaks you out doesn’t mean you’d be a terrible mother. If every med student who got freaked out by his or her first scalpel-cut into a cadaver decided s/he was no good at doctoring, the medical profession would be a very small group, made up mostly of cold-blooded serial killers.
Freaking out during your first pregnancy is normal—fear helps you prepare for parenthood—and there are many good reasons for believing your worst fears won’t come true. For instance, you say you have a good marriage and I assume that means you can count on your husband’s support. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 23, 2013
As emotions go, guilt is often the most devious; it’s very good at tricking us into believing we’ve done something wrong, when we know we haven’t. It’s so slick that you can feel guilty for not feeling guilty in the first place. That’s why guilt is a terrible barometer for whether or not you’ve made a good or bad decision; sometimes the right choice makes you feel wrong and the wrong one righteous, at least in the short run. If you think of values and consequences, however, as well as needs, you’ll usually come up with a choice you won’t feel guilty about being proud of.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: We’re taking Thursday off, so please have a great Boxing Day without us.
I’m a medical doctor—I graduated three years ago and did extremely well in my school. But then I broke up with my boyfriend, and for a while, I hated myself very much for it. Coupled to it was the death of one of my closest relatives. I turned lethargic, did not want to function, never talked to anyone and was alone. Finally I managed to get into a job not at all related with medicine, but for the past few months, I have been experiencing severe guilt about my decision. At the same time I don’t feel active or ready enough to put in the hard work necessary to go back to medicine. At least this feeling is welcome as I am finally feeling something. I have stopped trusting any guy and don’t want a relationship, but I’m consumed by this feeling of guilt. Unfortunately I also have a bit of narcissism, I feel that I m more intelligent than most of the people I meet, and so did not visit any counselor either. I just want to know if you have any suggestions on how to conquer my guilt and lethargy.
Even with support from a very nice therapist, all the insight in the world, and/or a job in the medical profession, guilt and lethargy often hang around as long as they want. You could find cures for cancer, bad boyfriends, and even depression, but still feel guilty that it took you so long, guilt is that insidious.
The way to conquer those symptoms is to prevent them from affecting your beliefs about yourself and the world. Up until now, it seems the symptoms have been brainwashing you into feeling like a hateful, worthless failure instead of a smart medical school graduate with an unlucky personal life. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 16, 2013
While the “fight or flight” response seems ingrained in most any living thing with legs or wings, your average human’s response to aggression is slightly more nuanced; instead of “fight or flight,” it’s more like, “flight or stay put and become a dick or a doormat.” If, however, you give yourself time to think through your moral priorities, risks, resources, and the ends you want to achieve, there’s always a third, non-dick or –doormat option, which is, stay and decide to set limits. Instead of trying to intimidate or placate, you learn to protect yourself from the chaos of conflict by doing what you think is right and encouraging others to use their complex human brains to do likewise.
–Dr. Lastname
My family is lucky that I’ve always been a peacemaker, because my husband is very opinionated and overbearing. I know there’s no point in trying to reason with him or oppose what he’s saying, because he’s never going to change his mind and opposition just makes him angrier, and when he’s angry he just berates me until I stop talking and yells until I beg him to stop because it’s upsetting the kids. He’s never, ever been physically violent, just loud. Sometimes, however, I find myself feeling helpless, depressed, trapped, and full of resentment and anger. My goal is to feel better about my husband’s behavior without rocking the boat.
Although rocking the boat may feel painful and like the wrong thing to do—it is, after all, one of the best ways to tip over and sink—there is usually a possible benefit in family situations. And not just because a sinking ship will drown most rats.
For instance, it may stop you from having to go along with a bad or dangerous decision, or protect you from toxic exposure to prolonged criticism. In actuality, your husband is the real boat-rocker who insists on his right to yell you into submission and you have to decide what action will best keep it afloat, even if that action triggers threats and loud voices that make you feel like you’re drowning. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 9, 2013
If everything that was good for you also felt good for you then kale would be heroin, running would be orgasmic, and one-a-day vitamins would put you into a pleasure coma. Unfortunately, bad things often feel best, which is why heroin is heroin, kale tastes like land seaweed, and passion can be poisonous. That’s why you can love someone who’s just not good for you and hate a job that you do well for good reasons, but before assuming your feelings are telling you the truth, take time to measure a relationship by how well it fulfills your purpose, meets your standards, and satisfies your moral priorities. Then you can do the right thing, even if it feels (or tastes) terrible.
–Dr. Lastname
What could have been a perfect relationship slipped very quickly down hill as two insecure people who have both been emotionally abused by our families growing up both went through stressful times suddenly. We couldn’t manage to make it through the bad times due to coping mechanisms we both employed to save ourselves from more pain, having not had long enough to make the relationship secure. Still, I’m really struggling to let him go. I felt this connection that I’ve never felt before and this is the first person I’ve ever missed in my life. I know he needs space to sort himself out but I want him back and I’m not sure whether to cut the cord now even though I really feel like I can’t and it would cause more pain. I don’t know how to let him go, or make the right decision.
The strength of your connection to a lover is great inspiration for a love song—maybe something by Taylor Swift if she ever dates Sean Penn—but a good song won’t tell you whether a relationship is good for you, is likely to last, or what you can or should do if it falters.
The fact that you and your former lover are insecure victims of abusive families may explain why you’re both anxious and vulnerable to doing negative things when you’re scared, but it won’t tell you how much he can control his negative behaviors and/or tolerate yours. For that, you need to review facts, not your emotional family history. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 5, 2013
As we often say, help isn’t just a two-way street, but a full-on intersection; it can be benefit or hindrance, both to the person being assisted and the helper him or herself. Regardless of whether your desire to help is driven by compassion, love, guilt, or fear, pay attention to priorities, consequences, the limits of what’s possible, and your responsibility for meeting your own needs. Then you’ll probably discover that giving right and going slowly is more effective than giving more and risking an accident.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve always been proud of being the backbone of my family, but I’m close to having a total meltdown. It’s not that my husband doesn’t work hard, too, but I’m taking care of our kids, who are especially busy with after-school sports, tutoring, etc., plus my ailing mother, plus my sister who’s mourning the sudden and unexpected loss of her son, and then on top of that, my own work, which is insane this time of year. I told him I just want to quit everything and go live on the beach in a hut. He laughed, but I meant it. I know all of these people need me, but I’m going crazy. Still, I’m ashamed, and my goal is to figure out what to do.
You’re proud of being the backbone of your family, but you’ve got your own skeleton to worry about, and it will collapse if you don’t find the backbone to stand up to the impossible job you’ve given yourself.
It’s simply not possible to personally take on an infinite number of top priority responsibilities, even if they’re all driven by emotional and financial necessity. It makes sense that you think living in a hut is your only/best alternative to weathering a hurricane of responsibilities. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 2, 2013
There are millions of reasons that being an adolescent girl is absolutely the worst—their peers are monsters, their teachers are idiots, their crushes are never as cute as vampires—but all of these issues are made worse by the fact that nobody seems able to help them. After all, when you’re trying to help a young girl deal with hormones and bad habits, not only will a rescue attempt possibly alienate the person you’re trying to help, it may offend the people whose help you need or let them off the hook when you need them to take more responsibility. In any case, assume that, in addition to giving them love and understanding, you must also be prepared to accept limited resource and political realities. Good rescues require good management, especially when you’re helping someone during the worst time in their life.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m worried about the kind of attention my granddaughter has been getting lately and how my son and his wife are handling it. She’s a terrific girl who has always done well in school, but she started going through puberty right before junior high. Now she has a gorgeous figure and is quite excited by all the attention she’s getting without quite understanding what it means. I know her parents have explained sex to her, as if there was anything they could tell her she hasn’t seen on TV, but I don’t think she gets what boys expect of her and just seems to like the romance and secret meetings with cool kids who wouldn’t look at her before. When I bring it up with her parents, they tell me they know they can trust her and they don’t believe in infantilizing her and ruining a good relationship. My goal is to help them be more appropriately protective.
When it comes to expressing concern to someone about their child, it’s nearly impossible not to imply that something’s wrong with that someone’s parenting, the child’s behavior, or their relationship. The line between concern and criticism isn’t just razor thin, but the criticism side is filled with angry wolverines, landmines, and open sewers.
Fortunately, your view isn’t blaming, but you’re still in a precarious position addressing your granddaughter’s sexuality and appearance. Frank talks about sex never seem to cover the unique burdens of being beautiful, and an adult trying to impart wisdom to a tween about image and perception is like trying to give your father advice on how to grill meats; you can’t educate someone who’s convinced of their own expertise. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 25, 2013
If you truly want to believe in the old saying, “There’s someone for everyone,” you have to add the caveat, “assuming that many of those people aren’t exactly right for each other.” Some people think they’ve found “the one,” but then can’t see their partner’s faults because of the wishful optimism of love. Others sour on their spouses because of the tired pessimism of long-married irritability So if it comes time to make a tough decision about a marriage, be sure to ask yourself what continuing your partnership is likely to do to your finances, parenting, and security given what’s happened so far and what you now know about the character of your significant other. Once you figure out whether your someone is actually Mr. Wrong or Mrs. Will-Suffice, you’ll have a much better idea of whether you should hire a therapist to help you get along or a lawyer to preserve your assets.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: There will be no new post on Thursday due to American Thanksgiving. As always, we are grateful for our families and your misery. We’ll be back next week.
I’m living a nightmare and feel totally helpless. I thought my wife had overcome the drug habit she was struggling with before we got married (otherwise I wouldn’t have married her). Normally, she’s the sweetest person in the world. Recently, she went back being the evil witch I remember her being when she was on drugs, blaming me for everything and threatening to take me to court for abusing her. When I asked whether she was on drugs again, she said I was a crazy asshole. Two hours later she said she was sorry, that I was right, but she felt ashamed of using drugs and was taking it out on me. She said treatment just didn’t work for her. My goal is to get her to get help so she goes back to being the amazing woman I love.
There’s a reason that “addict” is a term you live with forever. That’s not to say it has to be a horrible stigma—college graduate and Torontonian also qualify as life-long labels—but no matter how much you wish addiction would be behind you or someone you love for good, it’s always there.
You thought your wife had overcome her drug habit because you loved her sweet, kind side and wanted to think ugly, addict side wasn’t real. She’s not a bad person, but she has a bad side and a bad disease that she doesn’t seem ready or willing to deal with. Even when she’s being kind, her evil side is always going to be there, and she’s doing nothing to stop it. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 21, 2013
When confronted with jerky behavior, your natural instinct is to stop said jerk from causing trouble, but bad behavior is like bad health; you have to figure out the causes behind the problem before you can appropriately react. After all, some people are unpleasant because they can’t help it, while others just enjoy making other people unhappy, so blind attempts at confrontation can either confuse the jerk or encourage their antagonistic behavior. So don’t assume that bullies need to be stopped before first sizing up what makes them bully others and what your resources are. Become a doctor of dickishness, do an assessment, and then you’ll know whether you need to help them change, stop them, or simply head the other way.
–Dr. Lastname
My grown-up son often gets into trouble at work because he’s very critical about everything he thinks is wrong. He tells his co-workers when he thinks they aren’t working hard enough and criticizes his boss for making the wrong decisions and just generally creates a bad atmosphere. Then he doesn’t understand why the boss tells him he’s negative and asks him if he’d like to work elsewhere. When he was younger, I took him to a shrink about his anger issues and I’ve tried to figure out what he’s angry about, but it’s done no good. He doesn’t understand why his criticism gets people pissed off, and it just makes him more negative. My goal is to help him understand why he’s angry and stop being so negative.
Maybe your son is just angry and has a bad attitude, but what’s more likely is that he’s irritable and clueless about how his irritability affects people, and criticism just makes him more irritable without helping his cluelessness. He’s not a rebel or an Asshole, just socially retarded and maybe a little Asperger-y.
Instead of wondering what you did wrong to make him so insensitive to other people’s feelings, assume that, like so many people—mostly engineers, scientists, and people who own capes—he was just born that way. Then what he needs is not reprimands, but instruction in the kind of basic etiquette that most people pick up by instinct. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 18, 2013
There are about as many ways to describe “love” as there are ways to order coffee at Starbucks; you can love someone but not be in love with them, care about someone but not love them exactly, love someone but want someone else low-fat, etc. Family relationships are even more complicated, because sometimes a standard, easy parent-child relationship can get spoiled by a critical event that makes it hard for you to accept one another, and sometimes a clash in parent-child personality styles prevents acceptance. In any case, don’t berate yourself for what can’t be helped and don’t expect the relationship will ever be easy. If it’s important to maintain, however, there’s nothing to stop you from avoiding conflict by gritting your teeth, making nice, and keeping your irritation and disappointment to yourself. It may not be pleasant, but when you love someone but hate being around them, it’s the best option on the menu.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve always taken it for granted that I get along fine with my parents because we never had any significant conflicts—they were supportive when I was little, and we always found pleasant things to do together. That’s why it’s really surprising that we’re running into problems now, when I’m in my twenties. What’s happened is that they’ve both suddenly gotten religion and become Evangelicals—maybe because my sister and I left town and their lives felt a little empty—and now, whenever we talk, they make frequent reference to Jesus and have something serious and earnest to say about almost everything. They obviously feel it’s their duty to save me, which makes it very hard to have a pleasant conversation without exercising a lot of polite tact and changing the subject. I find myself getting very irritated and, really, I’m sad that the easy relationship we used to have is gone and I can’t get it back. My goal is to find some way out of this nightmare.
Having a friend get religion is like having them marry someone you don’t like—they’re still the same person, but now hanging out is less fun and more of an exercise in torture.
After all these years, you had a right to think you knew your parents inside and out and that you were lucky enough to have a solid, easy relationship based on love and mutual acceptance. While the love is still there, the ease is no more; fundamentalist religion makes it harder for them to accept you (you’re not saved) and you to accept them (you don’t want to hear about it).
Given the fundamental nature of, well, fundamentalism, and the fact that it seems to leave you fundamentally cold, you now have to negotiate a new relationship that will take a lot more work than the one you had. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
