Posted by fxckfeelings on April 10, 2014
Family members can push us harder than anyone or anything else, probably because the family tree literally roots us in place so we can’t escape. Sometimes you seethe while you suffer, and sometimes worry while you do rescue work. In either case, you can’t gain freedom without shaking up the branches and the way you think about them. Once you ask yourself how much good you can really do, either by fighting or protecting, you’re well on the way to managing your feelings and finding the strength to branch off on your own.
–Dr. Lastname
I have returned to a very personal habit that I have never admitted to a counselor since I worry about what they might think. To calm myself, I daydream about getting my hands around my ex-husband’s throat and not letting go. The more detail and the more I replay the scene in my head, the calmer and happier I feel. In reality, my ex-husband is a gold medal, abusive Asshole who always wins, but our sons are teenagers who seem able to stand up to what they regard as verbal abuse and bullying and they’ve been telling a family counselor about it. Meanwhile, my life has been going well and I have a nice boyfriend. I’m not a violent person and my ex is in no danger from me. My goal is to find a new, less violent coping strategy that will promote calm, healthy thoughts and reduce my anger and frustration.
Fantasy can be a powerful tool; it’s what fuels imagination, keeps our spirits up in dark times, and makes LARPing possible. It lets us escape the everyday and find freedom, even if it’s only in our heads. Unless, however, it’s a strangle-the-bastard fantasy like yours, which keeps you bound both to your ex and the fear and anger he inspires.
You probably felt weak when you were married to your ex, partly because of his bullying manner and worry about the kids, but getting yourself away from him made you strong. You left him, moved on, and provided the kids with a stable foundation that apparently gives them good perspective on his nastiness. You liberated yourself in a very real sense. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 7, 2014
Love and/or laughter might be so-called universal languages, but they still require some sort of verbal communication. Hate and criticism, on the other hand, must be intergalactic languages, because, in couples especially, someone can be ripped to shreds without anyone saying a word. In any case, whether you express them openly and verbally or just quietly roll your eyes, negative feelings have a way of chain-reacting in a marriage. Few good marriages don’t have at least a bit of it, but too much can be explosive, especially when two emotional people are expressive at the same time. So, whether your spontaneous criticism is loud or quiet, try to balance it with some of that universally spoken love through deliberate praise and appreciation. That’s why most good marriages are not just a reflection of spontaneous loving chemistry, but also hard work and carefully chosen words of all kinds.
–Dr. Lastname
My wife and I spent years running our own restaurant and, though we both have strong opinions, we usually worked together pretty well. Recently, however, we got bought out by a larger restaurant group and hired by them as consultants to start a new place from scratch. The problem is, I just don’t like her vision of how it should be done, from the location to the menu. I think my own format is more exciting, cheaper, and easier to do, but she doesn’t agree. I’m afraid her plan will cost too much and get us into trouble. My goal is to get her to see the flaws in her plan before it’s too late and we lose everything we’ve worked for.
There are lots of decisions, small and large, that go into putting together a new restaurant—the color of the napkins, the cuisine, the shape of the forks—but before you make any more choices involving fusion or flatwear, you must decide what’s more important: your marriage or your vision for the restaurant.
Of course, if you and your wife are still talking after having worked closely together for years, you might think it’s easy to have both, but then you have to remember that two people with strong tastes and opinions, faced with an open opportunity to create their dream restaurant, may have a hard time finding middle ground.
So face the worst-case scenario of not reaching agreement on your dream restaurant and having to accept a plan B that is less satisfactory to your standards, but more satisfactory to your vows. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 3, 2014
As we’ve said before, if you’re not careful, money can be kryptonite to family, or it can be concrete, driving relatives apart or keeping them closer together. That’s why you have to try to keep cash out of the big picture, because there are always good reasons for maintaining family relationships, regardless of financial grievances, and good reasons for encouraging independence, regardless of how money and affection may promote dependence. Develop and heed your own ideas about the proper distance to maintain in close family relationships, then impose those ideas regardless of the push and/or pull of financial pressures.
–Dr. Lastname
My brother was never a warm person, and people warned me he could be unscrupulous, but we were both brought up to put family first. That’s why I was shocked when my brother manipulated our dying, demented father to leave him everything in his will. Everyone was shocked, not just because I got along well with my father, but because I still had school loans (my brother dropped out of high school), not to mention hospital bills from my wife’s illness. Needless to say, my brother was not interested in sharing the inheritance, so we didn’t talk often after that. Now that we’re both growing old and he’s my only family, I find it harder to avoid his emails and calls. My goal is to follow through on the best side of my inheritance, which is to value family, and try to be closer to my brother, though I can’t really like or trust him.
While your brother got the money and you didn’t, it still sounds like you lucked out in terms of family inheritance; you were left good values and a decent personality, and he got the gene for being a natural-born Asshole™.
If he is, indeed, an Asshole™ in the technical sense, he would see himself as deserving of whatever he could persuade your father to cough up, and you as petty, vengeful, and wrong. It’s just the Asshole™ way.
Part of you knows this, which is why you chose to cut him off rather than engage him; you understand how any mention of what he did or why he did it will probably elicit angry justifications that you don’t want to hear or respond to, and won’t bring you any closer to getting money, justice, or anything but a headache. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 31, 2014
Sometimes those who are responsible for nurturing others don’t know how to crack the whip, and those who are responsible for whipping people into shape don’t know to drop the whip because they’ve cracked a little themselves. In any case, before you wield any weapon or argument, know where your responsibilities end and others’ begin. Once you know those boundaries, you’ll have no guilt about expecting others to do their job or letting yourself off the hook for jobs that aren’t yours, and find that you’ve whipped your priorities into shape.
–Dr. Lastname
I know my husband can’t help being mentally ill with depression and I think it’s important for family to stick together, particularly for the kids, but the latest crap he and my son are pulling is driving me crazy. While my husband was driving my son to work (my husband never works, which is another story), they get into a terrible fight over nothing (not unusual, they both have bad tempers). My son then grabs the wheel, so my husband, convinced our son was trying to kill him, has our son arrested without telling me. Now, remember, my son is the one who is working and doesn’t get into trouble, and my husband is the guy who does nothing but see his doctor and sit on the couch watching TV, but if I tell him he’s caused us a lot of trouble and expense that we can’t deal with and that he should have spoken to me first before going to the police, he’ll tell me I don’t know how to set limits on our son, and I just don’t want to hear it. I’m ready to kill both of them, particularly my husband, but before I do that I have to figure out whether my son will need a lawyer and how we’re going to afford it. My goal is to figure out how to survive with such a crazy, fucked-up family.
There’s a sort of physics to marriage; with every aggressive, crazy (or morbidly obese, or nasty) partner there is an equally sane, passive (or stick thin, or sweet) partner. While congrats are in order for being the sane one, the passive part means you seem too willing to accept helplessness than to consider your options.
No, you can’t change your husband or persuade him to work, think or consult you before he acts, or control his temper, but you have the power that accrues to functional, responsible people over time. If you learn to use it, the laws of science won’t be disrupted, and nobody will have to call the law itself. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 27, 2014
Anxiety and depression can act like funhouse mirrors, distorting your thoughts and making it hard to perceive the benefits and obligations of social relationships. Some people can’t say no to social responsibility, no matter how unreasonable, and some people can’t say yes to it, even when it’s minimal. Regardless of the distortions that make you over- or under-embrace your social pleasures and responsibilities, use objective methods to figure out how much is good for you and how much is necessary. Then you can build a social life and discharge responsibilities without burning out or drying up, and substitute the funhouse for actual fun.
–Dr. Lastname
My elder brother was diagnosed with MS when he was in his 30s, and now he’s in a nursing home and a wheelchair. He’s given me his health care proxy and told me he was relying on me, calling me five times a day and giving me a hard time if I don’t answer, so now my anxiety has gone through the roof. He’s always been a spoiled brat and now it’s worse. His health care is actually pretty good, and there are people and activities in the nursing home to keep him occupied, but he expects me to drive 100 miles to visit whenever he asks. I’ve always been the one everyone turns to for help, but now I go around with a knot in my stomach and desperately need to take more medication, even though I know it’s addictive and likely to make me fall. My goal is to find some way to relieve my anxiety that doesn’t kill me.
If you’re an anxious person, then there’s no substance in the world—pill, liquid, magic bean—that can make you suddenly be a not-anxious person. Especially if you continue to do things that feed your anxiety, like say yes to anyone who needs your help because you’re too anxious to say no.
Sadly, the things that currently give you immediate relief are A, making others happy, and B, medications, both of which have side effects. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 24, 2014
Maybe it’s the eternal bond that makes it hard to walk away from a conflict and impossible not to start a fight in the first place, but when you throw down with family over a fundamental disagreement, it’s almost impossible not to be either beaten down or drawn into a fight. So, regardless of how uneasy it makes you or how much you want to get into it, learn how to stop talking, politely, when you feel further conversation will do you no good. You may be condemned for doing so, but only by others in the clan; the only thing you’ll be condemning yourself for is getting into it in the first place.
–Dr. Lastname
My parents know my brother and I both have bipolar illness, and they’ve seen how stable I am on my medication. My brother, on the other hand, pretends he doesn’t really have it and refuses to take medication. Then, when he gets hospitalized, they don’t disagree with him when he blames it all on stress and bad marijuana. After his last admission, I wrote him a letter begging him to do what I do and be careful about taking his meds and getting enough sleep. His response was to tell me he resented being called bipolar, and tell our parents that he resented me, period, and now they want us all to meet so I can explain to him I didn’t really mean it. I’ve had it with all of them. My goal is to not have to deal with him, his illness, or my parents’ co-dependence, ever again.
In many ways, your brother is like the princess that needs saving at the end of a video game; both you and your parents have set out to win and free him, but you’re all stuck on different levels for different reasons, all equally unlikely to get to him anytime soon. As games go, it’s not exactly a bestseller.
Unlike most Nintendo princessi, however, your brother is not passive and helpless, but he’s fighting to stay unsaved, mostly because he doesn’t actually acknowledge he needs saving. Despite all the levels of difficulty that come with this specific quest, that doesn’t mean you should get fed up and walk away.
Certainly, you have a right to be angry, but your feelings are relatively unimportant compared to your desire to help your brother if possible, while staying out of conflict. So don’t get beaten down and don’t get drawn into a fight. Keep your mind on the goal and your ass in the game. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 17, 2014
Everybody has a limit as to how much they can bear to differ and share with their partner; it’s just as difficult to be with someone who agrees with you too much as with someone with whom you can never see eye-to-eye, no matter what James Carville and Mary Matalin say. Distinguishing between acceptable and irreconcilable differences is tricky; some differences need not threaten a partnership, but it’s not good for either of you to stay together if one of you believes the other is bad and beyond redemption. So weigh everything you know about a person’s reliability and loyalty before deciding what to make of your ethical, religious, or cable news differences and your partnership.
–Dr. Lastname
I think my husband is much happier about our moving to a new town since he joined a local church, and I thought I’d feel welcome there too, but I was not pleased to hear that they recently expelled a woman from the congregation because she’s lesbian. My husband believes it was the wrong thing to do, but he loves the way the congregation makes him and others feel valued and at home, so he’s not about to let go of his new friends. I’ve objected publicly, and no one argues with me, but they treat me with kindly disagreement, making it clear I’m welcome even if I can’t understand where they come from. I still have trouble understanding how my husband can be OK with this under any circumstances when in my eyes it’s bigotry, plain and simple. My goal is to honor my principles while not letting the church come between me and my husband.
Although there’s an apparent difference of principle standing between you and your husband, you have no reason to doubt his honesty, fidelity, or any other character issue that would interfere with his being a good partner. The difficulty is reconciling that with your new impression that he might not be a good person.
You’ve been together, I assume, for a number of years and have weathered storms, so you have good reason to respect him as a person and husband. You don’t expect his continued membership in a church that rejects gays and lesbians will make him less honest and supportive. He did not ask you to stifle your opinion, even though it differs from his, so weigh these considerations before you decide to reject him. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 13, 2014
In one of the grand ironies of relationships, love and partnership aren’t necessarily good partners themselves. You can love someone and hate the idea of full partnership, or you can love someone and hate the idea of anything less, so never think that, if love is true, mutual accommodation will follow. Instead, know what kind of relationship you want before you go looking, keep it in mind when love lights up your life, and you’ll save yourself a lot of time, heartbreak, and bad partnerships of your own.
–Dr. Lastname
I love my boyfriend, but I wonder sometimes if we’re going to make it. I thought living together would relieve the periods of crazy insecurity he’d get, when he’d suddenly say we have to break up because he knew I don’t really love him. I’m really very even-tempered, and I don’t know why he gets like that or thinks that way. He had the same problem with his last girlfriend, and I thought it was because she had mixed feelings about him and couldn’t commit. I’ve told him I’d like to get married, but he seems to be getting worse, so now I’m wondering how to get him into couples therapy so we can work things out. My goal is to get him to see that I love him and we could have a good life together.
When you love someone who has intense needs and feelings, their needs sometimes make you forget your own, both past and present. In this case, once you put aside the reasons for your relationship that have to do with love, sex, and the high of nurturing and focus on the other, less sexy/more vital stuff, it would appear that you need to reconsider this relationship.
After all, it’s safe to assume you want a relationship that offers the possibility of a steady partnership and perhaps kids, so you’re looking for someone who is solid, reliable, and can do his share of the work when the going gets tough. The last thing you need is someone who repeatedly gets cold feet and is hard to reassure, particularly if that’s been his behavior in prior relationships. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 6, 2014
The math of human instinct tells us that self + unfair victimization = a right to punish the person to blame, even if that person is a blood relative with the best of intentions. In a fair world, the justice equation would check out, but in this one, the person who appears responsible often had no choice, and just happened to be a conduit for life’s random misery. So whether you’re a blamed parent who is helpless to stop your kid from hitting and running, or a blamed child who can’t escape unfair punishment, judge yourself carefully and fairly. Then, instead of fighting for justice, stand up for what you believe while waiting for blame to fizzle and an equation that adds up.
–Dr. Lastname
My fifteen-year-old daughter, whom I used to be close to, was always a sensitive, over-reactive kid. I was still shocked and hurt, however, when she suddenly spoke up, in the midst of her first visit with me and my new husband, to say to him, “Who the fuck are you?” She stopped talking to me for a year after I left her father, but eventually relented and then we started spending regular time together (though he has full custody, and I get weekend visitation). Now that she’s insulted my husband, however, I don’t know what to say— to not talk like that to her stepfather? To go to her room until she’s ready to behave? My goal is to figure out what to say that will address the nastiness and inappropriateness of her speech and let her know she can’t treat my husband with disrespect.
As hard as reality TV tries to find us the Cesar Milan of adolescent girls, as of yet, there is no such person as the “Teen Whisperer.” The closet thing we have is that woman on “Dance Moms,” and she’s really just an all-purpose bellower.
The reason no such teen expert exists, on TV or off, is because there is nothing you can say, in any volume, that will persuade your daughter to behave better. You have little influence and she wants you to be angry and hurt, so, as with any breach of the law anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of teen self-entitlement. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 27, 2014
Dating is one of those painful, hard-to-control activities, like losing weight and fighting cancer, where the only way not to feel like a total failure is not to have to do it at all. For daters, success means landing a good partner, but, until that happens, you will probably find yourself being too passive about letting go of a bad partner and/or feeling rejected when it doesn’t work out, or being too sensitive to hurting bad candidates, even with good reason. Instead of letting the dating process get you down, review your standards for dating honestly and safely. Then, when things don’t work out, you’ll do what’s best for you and your non-partner, and achieve a little success, even if the struggle continues.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m almost 40 and I’ve never had a relationship. I’ve been in love three times, but none of these relationships were ‘real’ relationships. Love number 1 was when I was in my 20’s I was seeing a guy for 10 years, on and off, but our relationship never got off the ground (no real dates or romance, just drunken hook ups every weekend). He turned out to be gay, so no major surprise there I suppose. Number 2 was a close friend who asked me to wait for him while he got through the pressures of work and nursing a parent through a fatal illness. After waiting two years, and still hopelessly in love with him, he told me he changed his mind and didn’t want to get together with me. Finally, love number 3 is a childhood friend of mine who I reconnected with a few years ago and who has liked me for years. He wanted a relationship with me but I wanted to wait because I was still a bit burned from number 2. We remained friends however and over time our friendship deepened and grew and I started to see him as more than a good friend, but when I told him I was interested in more than just a casual hook up, he disappeared! I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I can’t seem to move past the casual into a real relationship with someone. I was sexually abused as a child and I’ve had psychotherapy to address that, then again after the gay ex-“boyfriend.” Basically I’ve been in therapy for about 12 years. I’m really at the end of my tether now because something must be causing me to choose men that cannot commit and I really want to be in love, married and with children and time is running away from me now. I don’t date lots of men and I’ve never been one for one night stands. The one thing all three “boyfriends” had in common was I was friends with them first and my feelings developed into a deeper love from there so I know it could be years before I meet someone and fall in love again seeing as I’m the type of girl that needs this basis of friendship to build on. I’ve tried dating agencies for the past year and I haven’t had any luck, plus I socialize every weekend and I have no problem meeting and chatting to guys, it’s just none of them interest me too much. My goal is to change this pattern.
Being unlucky, be it in love or business or the lottery, always feels personal, but never really is. Bad luck can happen to anyone, no matter how old you are, what you deserve, and how gay your ex might be.
You have lots to offer and, from what you’ve said, weren’t too far off the mark in the people you chose for love or how you behaved with them. Unfortunately, dating guys is always like playing musical chairs with a substantial chairs shortage. The sad news about the birds and bees is that human females often have to deal with the inverse suitable male-to-female ratio that bees have. Even then, it’s lonely being queen. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
