Posted by fxckfeelings on July 22, 2021
When close family members are fighting, it’s natural to want to step in and make it stop. After all, you care about these people and don’t want to see them hurt or have them angry at you. But, as we always say, unless you’re a drill sergeant, judge or magician, making people do things isn’t an option. So before you try to get between to warring parties, even if you love/are related to them, here are five things to remind yourself of before getting sucked into family drama.
1)Examine The Previous Effect of Expressing Your Feelings
While speaking your piece has probably given you relief in the past and, if you were speaking to someone who cared about you but was uninvolved with the drama, it might’ve helped to clear the air and organize you thoughts. But if you’re speaking to someone who is involved, then you’re less “clearing the air” than “giving the fire oxygen,” all without providing any insight or argument that will actually clear the conflict up. Experience should tell you that self-expression is out.
2) Ponder Past Attempts To Be A Protector
When close family members are fighting, it’s natural to want to step in and make it stop. After all, you care about these people and don’t want to see them hurt or have them angry at you. But, as we always say, unless you’re a drill sergeant, judge, or magician, making people do things isn’t an option. So before you try to get between warring parties, even if you love/are related to them, here are five things to remind yourself of before getting sucked into family drama.
3) Assess Who the Real Assholes Are
Most families have at least one and, very much like the actual kind, s/he can be counted on to produce shit regularly, no matter how nice, thoughtful, and constructive you may be. Remembering how they are and their history of assholery, be careful not to share too much time or intimate information with them, as it only gives them material to “digest.” And be ready with polite scripts that will allow you to disagree and disengage whenever necessary (see below).
4) Stick to the Script
Rehearse some scripted lines, crafted from your experience of past conflicts, that will help you assert yourself when necessary, i.e., when you have to calmly refute an accusation, provocation, or invitation to feel guilty, without provoking conflict. Tell them that you’ve given [their statement/horseshit] a lot of thought because it’s an important point and you respect their opinion, etc., but that you disagree and prefer not to get into why at this time. If they won’t let it go, then it’s time to express dismay to let them know you have somewhere you need to be that you also can’t get into and will be in touch soon.
5) Craft Constructive, Controllable Goals
Now that you’ve accepted that the smart choice is staying out of it and made that clear to the warring parties involved, that doesn’t mean that you can or should have to cut these people out of your life entirely. You can still figure out safe, positive, neutral things you can do to stay involved, like benignly checking on their welfare, expressing good wishes, and acting decently when insulted or mistreated (then getting the fuck out as soon as your mission is complete). Now that you know what you can’t do to help, be proud of the good things you offer, whether they’re appreciated or not.
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 8, 2021
Just as it is with Oreos and interneting, selflessness is best enjoyed in moderation. Too little, and you’re mean, selfish and approaching asshole territory; too much and you’re mean, guilty, and in need of a shrink. That’s because trying to help people, especially the ones you love is often impossible. It can drain you, open you to exploitation, and make you angry, which then makes you feel guilty and like you need to be even nicer, and on it goes down the toilet. It’s worth examining ways of helping those you love, but only if you can find a middle ground; your goal isn’t to solve their problems but to see if, with your encouragement, they can do better at making things better themselves.
-Dr. Lastname
My tween, much-younger sister is acting out, causing my (widowed) mother a great deal of stress and impacting her ability to make a living. I’m in my late 20s, living with my partner, and at a loss as to how to help manage my sister’s behavior going forward. When I have her stay with me she is polite, understanding, rational, and accepting of consequences. My love of routine seems to have a lot to do with this. As soon as she returns home, however, she falls back into negative patterns of behavior. I often have to leave work in order to negotiate their disagreements or to give my mother a “break,” which isn’t easy to do. Throw into the mix my current emotional state—questioning my life/career choices while trying to plan for the future—and I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed and completely out of my depth! My goal is to feel less overwhelmed and ultimately give my sister the best possible care and guidance.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on June 5, 2020
Over the course of our lives, we gradually age out of many things—diapers, fast fashion, the ability to use hashtags—but one thing no amount of time and maturity can confer on us is the ability to prevent Assholes in our families from getting under our skin. Age and wisdom confer no superpower defensive shield against the pain and guilt Assholes cause, especially since they won’t stop causing it no matter how calmly and maturely you approach them. So if you’re descended from Assholes, expand your acceptance to include your own feelings, namely the negative and human ones that your family will always inspire. Don’t try to achieve a state of imperturbable forgiveness; that’s an inhuman standard for controlling your feelings that only an Asshole would impose.
– Dr. Lastname
I come from a family that is violent and alcoholic on one side and borderline/bipolar/crazy on the other; several relatives are all of the above. I’m over 70 now, so I have a lifetime of experience turning the other cheek, hoping for the best, and standing up for my values with integrity. All the same, I am tired of my family and their problems (none of which I exhibit to even a small degree, luckily). Even my patience has limits. My goal is to not feel hate for the whole fam damily and to fill in the chip they’ve nicked off my shoulder.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 1, 2019
In the give and take of marriage, it’s common for one partner to suck up having to cook and pick up the dirty socks because their spouse grits his or her teeth through doing the dishes and take out the garbage. But if one partner ends up with the cooking, the socks, the dishes, and the garbage, the give and take, and the marriage, can give way entirely. So here are five ways to hold your subpar parter accountable for doing his or her share.
1) Fairly Consider His Contributions
If you’re frustrated by the fact you do everything in your marriage while your spouse does nothing/God knows what, take a pause to consider whether you’re being fair or just fed up and frustrated. After all, as we always say, the point of getting married is always having someone to blame; if you’re dealing with stress, depression, or separate marital issues, it’s easy to see your spouse’s actions, words, and/or stupid face as the source of your problems. So begin by making a thoughtful, thorough list of all the things you do and all the things he does. And if your list is still lopsided, despite being objective, you know that you’re right to address the issue.
2) Tackle Your Terms
Draw up a revised, fair marital job description for your partner that takes into account what you want as well as the ways he is wanting, i.e., his obliviousness and lack of motivation. You don’t necessarily want to divvy everything up 50/50, not just because you can’t change his weaknesses, but also because you want to take advantage of his strengths as well as your own. A good job description then includes tasks he’s good at, puts more emphasis on effort and commitment than results, and leaves you with confidence that you’re better off with his contributions as a whole rather than with not having to take care of him.
3) Navigate Negotiations
Bring up your new terms in a positive context that implies no blame, regardless of how you really feel. Present your reasons for re-evaluating his family-related activities as a way of improving his level of function, maximizing his positive impact on the family, and relieving you of any additional responsibilities you’ve picked up when he was unable to do them or unaware they existed in the first place. Of course, you may describe problems, such as your overwork or the kids’ dysfunction, as reasons for this negotiation, but not as evidence of his personal or moral failure (even though that’s what you may feel). Condemnation, however deserved, is rarely constructive.
4) Pin Point Problem Behaviors
Again, without implying that he’s lazy or purposefully negligent, specify any behaviors that you’ve observed that tend to undermine his productivity. For instance, if he spends too much time hanging out with his buddies, drinking, or playing video games, show respect for his right to relax before discussing the impact of his behaviors on the time he spends doing his share around the house, hanging out with the kids or having private time with you. Or if he doesn’t stick to a budget, describe the negative impact on everyone’s choices, including his.
5) Conclude Confidently
Aside from remaining positive, the key to getting your point across is conveying confidence; if you know that what you’re asking for is well thought out and reasonable, there’s no reason to be defensive or timid. With conviction, state your belief that he and the rest of the family will be better off if events prove you right, and that argument is unnecessary; if he disagrees, the only way he can convince you you’re wrong is if he can’t meet your terms despite his best efforts. In the meantime, you will continue to wish for his success with your plan, especially since continuing to endure your partnership in its present form will force you to reassess your future plans entirely.
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 18, 2019
In superhero stories, all it takes is a childhood tragedy or radioactive spider bite to unleash remarkable potential. The same is often true for people with obsessive brains, except they’re triggered by a nasty personal criticism or rejection, and instead of superpowers they’re gifted with a lifetime of paranoia, neurosis and self-loathing. But if great power requires great responsibility, so do not-great brains; some personal traits, like how our minds work, are hard to like and impossible to change, but with some work and patience, they are possible to manage. Learning to live an obsessive mind, without letting your wonky thoughts control you or persuade you that strong feelings are the same thing as the truth, is a superpower of its own.
-Dr. Lastname
My mom was horrible, blah, blah, blah, specifically because when I was 13 she told me that everyone was talking about me. Yes, she said everyone. I don’t know why she told me, how she knew this, what they were saying, any of it. But for the life of me, it’s been driving me literally crazy in the decades since then trying to figure out WHY everyone was and presumably IS talking about me! Are you seeing the problem here? I have obviously become a self-centered, paranoid, perfectionist asshole that is driving everyone (?) insane and I’m miserable. My goal is to forget my mother’s “wise words” and stop being so paranoid.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on June 13, 2019
Whether you’re reeling from one personal tragedy or years of mistreatment, it can be hard to trust your judgment when you’re feeling wounded and vulnerable. But if you let those emotions cloud your ability to move forward and make decisions then you’ll just prolong your pain and make your vulnerability worse. So here are five ways to make your decision making less emotional, no matter how emotional you’re feeling at the time.
1) Don’t Fixate on Fears
Focusing too much on your wishes and anxieties will make them seem more real and important. Then you’ll start to believe that you can’t go forward until you feel better, or worse, that you can’t go forward, period. While you can’t expect yourself to be able to stop those feelings entirely, you can force yourself to investigate the choices and resources that are actually available to you, no matter how negatively you feel, and determine whether you genuinely do or don’t have the skills and opportunities to do what needs to be done.
2) Determine the Data
The best way to counter irrational fear and negativity is with a good hard look at reality. As such, you probably need objective information that you don’t have, so be prepared to seek advice, not just from friends, but also experts, particularly lawyers and therapists. Your trauma and self-doubt may intimidate you into thinking you’re really helpless, but make no assumptions until you know the facts and have considered what you can do with them.
3) Determine How to Do Good, Not Just Feel Good
Ask yourself what you value most in life, not what you feel most happy or optimistic about, by making a sort of bucket list of basics. In other words, imagine yourself facing death and ask yourself what would you would most want to have accomplished, regardless of whether it made you happy or forced you to endure hard times along the way. Achieving financial independence, being a good friend, and doing useful work may not be as exciting as running with the bulls or getting a tattoo, but they’re what truly makes a life complete.
4) Remember Possible Risks
The best way to avoid choices that may be too emotional—i.e., those that would immediately make you happy or ease your fears—is to force yourself to give thought to possible risks. Don’t let yourself ignore risks simply because you’re feeling confident or be paralyzed by them because you’re feeling anxious. Once you have the facts you can make a better assessment as to the safest, smartest way to proceed, regardless of how exciting or intimidating an option may appear.
5) Seek Out Moral Support
Experts may help you make decisions based on real information, but without friends, family, and even a therapist to have your back, it’ll be hard to follow through. Make sure your support team is there to give you backing and perspective, not just sympathy. When you’re recovering from trauma or facing a scary transition, it’s normal to have feelings that stir up self-doubt and pessimism that make it hard to keep going. If you can find people who will remind you of the strengths and other resources you had before things went wrong, you’ll be able to find the clarity and courage to make the right choices going forward.
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 18, 2019
When, like our recent reader, you know you’re trapped in a pattern of becoming the most attached to people who are the least interested or even worthy of your attention, it’s useful to strategize and make a plan for when the next would-be (but shouldn’t-be) object of obsession crosses your path. Here are five task-oriented techniques for overcoming obsession before it starts.
1) Accept Your Obsessiveness without Obsessing About It
You might think that you could avoid future fixations if you could just figure out why they happen, but plumbing the depths of your psyche to figure out which childhood trauma or lost toy caused you to be this way is, in fact, just another empty obsession that will lead you nowhere. As you’re already learned the hard way, there’s no better way to feed an obsession than to obsess about it, even if what you’re obsessing about is why you have it and how you can make it go away. In reality, no one knows why some people are prone to obsessive attachments and no one has a formula for ungluing you once you’re stuck, other than time and a constant effort to manage your unfortunate habit.
2) Delve Into Distraction
When you start to feel obsessive thoughts creeping in, try to keep your brain busy with more important activities instead. A new object of fixation can be hard to resist—especially at first, when they seem so exciting and promising—but your attachments to other people, work, family, and your long term interests will always be much stronger and more meaningful, in the end, than any obsession. So immerse yourself in whatever usually matters to you, fighting as hard as you can until your shiny source of fixation fades away.
3) Don’t Think You Can Turn A Fixation Into A Friendship
As much as you’d be willing to settle for any relationship with an object of obsession, even a platonic one, it’s too much to think you can immediately force yourself into a benign friendship with someone you were once fanatical about. These attempts at casual connection usually just make the obsession worse, since you’ll now be analyzing and obsessing over every conversation hoping to find evidence of something more. Then you won’t be able to control your sensitivity to being treated as a casual friend and you will hate yourself if your vulnerability shows, which will then cause you to obsess over your pain and foolishness until you’re in full fixation meltdown. Accept the fact that your obsession limits your options and there’s to be no contact until you’ve recovered.
4) Process Patterns
Obsessive tendencies are a lot like weather; you can’t control them, but with enough experience you can learn to predict when they’re coming and prepare for the storm accordingly. Look back at the kind of person you get obsessed with and identify what drew you to them. Unfortunately, the things you like about obsessive objects probably double as red flags, which means those are the qualities you should look out for and avoid in the future. Then list the character qualities that might guarantee you a more positive and reliable response so you can seek them out instead. Recall how quickly you latched onto people in the past and examine whether you could have improved your safety by slowing things down, determining new mandatory procedures for pumping the breaks in the future. You may not be able to make your brain stop obsessing, but you can teach yourself ways to stop those obsessions from taking over.
5) Consider Treatment
If the symptoms of your obsessive tendencies are extraordinarily painful or interfere with work or important friendships and you can’t find a way to break out of the cycle on your own, don’t be afraid to find a therapist who can help you manage the issue. Consider first non-medical treatments, which include everything from exercise to cognitive behavioral therapy (techniques to manage unwanted thoughts) to hypnosis. If those prove ineffective, you should consider medical treatments, namely medication that is low risk yet frequently effective, like a high dose of an SSRI. Either way, don’t assume that you’re doomed to an endless cycle of empty obsession and heartbreak. With some work and even a little help, you can learn ways to manage obsessive tendencies so your obsessions no longer manage you.
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 26, 2019
If, like our reader from earlier, the only thing more reliable than your parents fighting is how much pain it causes you, you can feel like it’s up to you alone to relieve everyone’s suffering. As many problems as their conflict may cause you, however, solving the problems that cause that conflict isn’t actually within your control. So instead of continuing to feel hurt and frustrated by endless parental arguments, here are five ways to figure out when your attempts at family peacekeeping are making the war worse, and what you can do instead.
1) Carefully Assess Their Compatibility
Pay attention to whether or not your parents function as a couple, ignoring their complaints. This doesn’t mean you should look for times and ways they get along, but to really investigate how and if they work together; if possible, determine whether they do or don’t share or interfere with one another’s spending on essentials like housing, food, travel, and taxes. Note also whether they travel or socialize together, act independently, or interfere with one another’s ability to do so. Conflict is always a part of relationships, but so is cooperation; without that, you’ve got real trouble.
2) Gather Whether Advice Gets Through
You may have spent years trying to get through to your parents, but odds are you’ve never really paid attention to whether any of your pleas or guidance has actually gotten through. So take stock of whether either of your parents really seems to listen to your advice or ever really seems to take it. Either way, ask yourself how they manage to cope when you’re not available and whether either is really helpless or at risk of harm when you’re not around. Of course, if you believe either is in danger of being harmed, you should get professional advice and consider reporting abuse. In all likelihood, however, each has found good ways to manage conflict when they’re without you but, when they have your ear/a captive audience, they take the opportunity to stress their unhappiness.
3) Recognize Responsibility
Notice how much accountability each parent takes for dealing with what he or she doesn’t like vs. just complaining about it. Notice whether their complaints just put responsibility on you as the listener and/or on their partner for abusing them, rather than either accepting some responsibility for what bothers them or for the fact that no one’s really to blame. After all, it’s quite likely that whatever’s causing the conflict between your parents—like a bad habit or irksome personality trait—isn’t going to change. So if neither parent can either own their faults or resign themselves to them, then they’re never going to stop bickering, either.
4) Generate A Realistic Goal
Don’t assume that your objective is to help them get along better or ease their pain, because, as the previous steps should reveal, that’s completely outside of your control. It’s natural, of course, to want to find a way to make your parents listen to you, heed your advice, or accept each other’s faults, but since doing so would require magic or mind control, it’s time to reassess your endgame. Instead, try to protect yourself from their conflict while encouraging each of them to develop his and her own way of managing their feelings that doesn’t require raised voices, especially with you as the audience.
5) Assemble an Exit Strategy
Once you’ve realized your goal isn’t to keep the peace but encourage them to keep quiet, prepare a statement asserting this truth and rejecting personal responsibility, saying, in effect, that you wish you could help them, but their unhappiness together is beyond everyone’s control, so you think it’s better not to talk about it and instead think about ways to make life better. Then prepare to be tested and to follow through on your exit plan, without any appearance of hesitation or guilt, if they misbehave. Just because they’re constantly in conflict doesn’t mean you should be about the smart decisions you’ve made.
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 21, 2019
Intervention may be long off the air, but its approach to pushing addicts and alcoholics into recovery is still part of the national consciousness; it’s now taken as common wisdom that the way to get someone you care about into rehab is through raw, emotional confrontation. In reality, when there aren’t cameras, specialists, and access to highly specialized recovery programs around, it’s much better to keep emotion, confrontation, and personal responsibility out of it. So, for those of us in the real world dealing with an addicted loved one in real time, here are five steps you can take to compose a statement or otherwise address a loved one’s alcoholic or addictive behavior.
1) Put Things Positively
Regardless of how entitled you are to feel angry, hurt, or screwed, expressing those feelings will only make achieving your purpose more difficult; your goal isn’t to start an argument, vent your unhappiness, or listen to excuses, but to discourage alcoholic behavior and protect yourself from its effects. That’s why your statement should express what you believe is the best approach to a problem that isn’t necessarily solvable or controllable. So begin by talking about the alcoholic’s positive qualities and achievements, i.e., the reasons that you care about and love him in the first place. Then refer to alcoholism as an illness and set of behaviors, not a fault in his character, that’s a problem that has aroused your concern and for which you have a plan.
2) Fixate on Facts
When addressing the problematic aspects of his alcoholism, focus on behavior that you believe is doing the most harm to his life or that goes most against his values, not what irritates you the most. That means behavior that damages his health, puts his and the safety of his loved ones at risk, and generally is at odds with the kind of good, caring person you’ve known him to be. Of course, you know that conveying the magnitude of a problem is not likely to make an alcoholic change. What you’re after is a bald statement of fact that gives him reason to fear and oppose what his addiction is doing to him for his sake, not yours.
3) Beware The Blame Game
The amount addicts and alcoholics hate taking responsibility for their actions is matched only by their love for their substance of choice, so don’t let the conversation become about who’s really to blame or should take responsibility. You can never be sure how much you, the alcoholic, a therapist, a program, or anyone else can make a difference when it comes to alcoholism. Regardless of how an addiction starts, it develops a power of its own. Plus, if you put too much emphasis on how his addiction impacts your life, he’ll make you the reason for getting sober instead of doing it for himself (and then blame you if sobriety doesn’t stick). So be clear that you’re determined to help in any way you think might work if he sees that sobriety is best for him, and that you respect him if and when he does the best with the addiction he’s got.
4) Put Forth Your Plan
Now that you’ve cited concrete issues with his behavior, spell out the protective changes you’re going to take in order to address his issues and help him recover. These may include limiting the time you spend together, leaving events early if he gets drunk, or even notifying his doctor that he’s an alcoholic. If he feels unsupported or criticized, don’t feel guilty. You’re not trying to punish him, just to do what’s necessary and/or constructive for the both of you. If he promises to get help, be supportive of that choice, but don’t change your plan based on empty guarantees. By avoiding unrealistic optimism, you make clear that he has a tough road ahead and that external factors such as your love, the family’s support, and the presence or quality of treatment cannot guarantee success.
5) Conclude the Conversation
Once you’ve stated the facts and your plans going forward, it’s time to end discussion. Resist if he tries to engage you further with excuses, or further thoughts about sobriety or how both of you feel. Don’t try to plow through the conversation and “win” with the force of your personality, because that would be a temporary victory and make you responsible for generating his motivation. Instead, wrap things up once you’ve created a set of conditions and actions that rest on facts, hoping that your continued belief in those facts and you’re following through on those actions will, in the long run, build his motivation. If they don’t, they will at least improve your self-protection and give you peace of mind knowing that you did all you could in a fairly impossible situation.
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 17, 2018
Just as mental illnesses are harder for people to accept because they lack the visible symptoms of physical illnesses, cognitive disabilities are much more misunderstood than physical ones. After all, you wouldn’t tell someone paralyzed to just try getting out of their wheelchair, but people often assume that they can help someone who, like our reader from a previous post, has a legitimate cognitive impairment like ADHD by encouraging him to just work harder or focus. And of course, as well intentioned as that kind of advice may be, it’s also ignorant, which means it hurts more than it helps. Here are five common, incorrect ways to avoid when trying to help people with ADHD and what you should do instead.
1) Loading Up Their ADHD Library
Some books on ADD are quite good and filled with helpful information, but expecting someone with ADHD to read them, no matter how beneficial the books are, is bound to backfire. If someone struggles with accomplishing tasks, giving them another task to fulfill, no matter how much it may benefit them, is only going to further frustrate them and disappoint you. Besides, trying to change someone, rather than helping them manage who they are, is always going to be met with resistance and resentment. So give them your own synopsis of whatever you liked about the book and offer positive reinforcement if and when they seem to put those ideas into action.
2) Nagging with Negative Reinforcement
You may think that someone with ADHD would appreciate frequent reminders about tasks; after all, if they have trouble focusing, any effort to help them stay focused should be a good thing. Unfortunately, people with ADHD are also still people, and there is no human being on earth who responds well to constant nagging, especially when it culminates in an angry scolding for not listening to the nagging and getting the task done. Don’t then assume that someone who lacks the ability to remind themselves to do things is eager to outsource the constant reminders to you or anyone else. Instead, urge them once to think about a way to set up reminders for themselves, like on their phone, or to feel free to ask for your help in providing such reminders if that would be better.
3) Echoing Others/Past Achievements
Encouraging someone with ADHD to believe in himself by comparing current failures to past achievements, or the achievements of others, is intended to give that person confidence by showing him that he can perform better now because he once did, or because someone who isn’t smarter/just as flakey once did. But there may be good reasons why he can’t repeat an earlier success or equal the performance of someone who may be similar but isn’t his equal in other ways. So, without meaning to, you’re making him responsible for a failure he may not be able to help, and that won’t have a good effect on his mood, self-esteem, or performance (and certainly not on his relationship with you). Better to focus on his efforts, regardless of whether he gets good results, and, if the results suck, to find methods that manage his attention better.
4) Giving Them Goals
As with providing constant reminders (a.k.a. nagging), giving someone with ADHD very specific and quantitative performance goals also seems like a good way to help since you think you’re stepping up where their brain can’t. In reality, giving someone a goal, let alone reminding them about it and rewarding them for meeting it, isn’t really the same as giving them the techniques to wrangle their mind enough to meet it. Since inventing and pushing someone towards a finish line will probably just make them more flustered and frustrated, ask them to create and share goals for themselves. Then congratulate them on their efforts, regardless of results, while supporting successful approaches and encouraging the search for better ones if a goal isn’t met.
5) Figuring Out Why They Fuck Up
Whether the problem is a cognitive issue like ADHD or an everyday issue like drinking or infidelity, most people assume the best way to solve is to get to its source or cause. So you may think you’re helping someone with ADHD by getting her to explore her emotional reasons for failing, e.g., that she’s performing badly because she’s secretly really angry at you and trying to defeat you out of spite, or because she’s afraid that succeeding will set her up for future shame, humiliation, or rejection when she eventually fails again. In reality, finding the source of a behavioral problem gives you an explanation, not a cure; being abused might be the reason you started drinking, but admitting that causation won’t be the reason you stop. With ADHD, the cause isn’t anything someone has done or feels, but the bad luck and/or genes they were cursed with. So trying to help someone find out why they have ADHD is in fact only pushing them to needlessly blame themselves for a problem they didn’t create. Instead, stop trying to fix or change them, period; you don’t get rid of or overcome ADHD, you manage it, so as soon as you accept them for who they are, it’ll be easier for them to do the same and work towards making the best of the brain they’ve got.
