Posted by fxckfeelings on October 21, 2010
When life spins out of control, so does morale. When it feels like you’re living in a flaming, crowded theater, it’s more normal to issue dire warnings, cast blame, and look for desperate solutions. If, however, after reviewing your options realistically, you can assure yourself that you’ve done whatever it is you could do, you can retain your pride and helps others retain theirs. That won’t give you control, but it will decrease the panic and put the fires out.
–Dr. Lastname
My 25-year-old daughter barely talks to me because I’m the one who reminds her that she’s bipolar. She gets mad at me whenever I bring it up, but I’ve got to say something, because someone needs to tell her to take her medication and stay away from her drinking buddies. She’s such a good kid, and it’s awful to watch her lose control and then have everyone take advantage of her. The trouble is, I know how bad the prognosis is for her illness, and after four hospital admissions and no job held for more than a month, I fear for her. My goal is to help her and have a better relationship with her.
If you want to express negative emotions about your kid’s mental illness, tell your shrink, hairdresser, crossing-guard, whomever. Anyone but the kid herself.
Mental illness is scary and depressing, but for the parent of a mentally ill child, make like your home is on the range: never should be heard a discouraging word. Expressing negative emotions almost always makes things worse.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 18, 2010
To paraphrase Homer Simpson’s thoughts on alcohol; for the depression-prone especially, fear is the cause of, and result of, all of life’s problems. When you’re afraid, it seems like you’re losing control, and nothing will work unless you get it back, which will just dig you deeper. Life can and will always take away your control, so your job is to forget control and preserve your values using whatever you have, regardless of result. You may not be able to cure yourself of depression, alcoholism, or anything else that ails you, but you shouldn’t hide and give up. Remember, to further paraphrase Homer Simpson, the answers to life’s problems aren’t found through control, they’re found on the internet.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been so depressed I can barely get out of bed, so at this point, I’m willing to try medication. The problem is, none of the pills I try seem to work for me, and some of them make me feel worse. One antidepressant made me dizzy, and another one my doctor recommended is said to cause weight gain, and another sometimes causes a severe rash. I’m desperate, but there’s got to be a way to feel better without a fucking rash. I need something that will work without doing me serious harm.
If you’re looking for an antidepressant that’s sure to help and has never caused harm, stop your search now. Like cold fusion, unicorns, and a good Joel Schumacher movie, such a pill doesn’t exist.
Refusing a medication because it makes you gain weight is like skipping chemotherapy because of possible hair loss. Expecting too much from antidepressants, or any medication, can paralyze you and prevent you from getting the actual help they might be able to provide.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on September 30, 2010
There’s something about the decision to take or not take medication that makes people very reactive to feelings, both theirs and others, instead of just weighing the important stuff, like the risks, their symptoms, etc. The only good way to make medication decisions is to think about what will happen to you without them and decide for yourself what will do you the most good. Until the day others can feel sick on your behalf, their reactions to your own carefully thought out medical choices shouldn’t come first.
–Dr. Lastname
Given all my issues, I’m not doing so badly, although it’s true I have a $400/week speed habit. Even with that though, I’m doing well at a demanding, high-powered job, meeting all the overtime demands, and then, at quitting time, when I’ve gotten paid and don’t want to feel bored or alone, that’s where speed comes in. A few years ago, I had a crazy, manic mental breakdown and they started me on medication, which I’ve taken regularly, but I’ve been doing fine ever since, my mood is great, the speed hasn’t bothered me, so I don’t see why I can’t start cutting back on the meds. That’s my goal: to feel OK without meds.
Whether it’s bad for you to use speed or stop your bipolar medications depends a lot on what you believe you need for your future survival, assuming that you care about it.
Since I don’t think that’s a safe assumption, let’s assume you’ll at least consider caring about it after you read my response.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on August 19, 2010
Will power is a lot like Sarah Palin; for all the credit and attention it gets, it actually rarely accomplishes much of anything. The truth is that eating and the self-hate it causes are a major challenge for most of us, and it never, ever stops. Holding yourself or others responsible will seldom improve your control, your weight, or your relationships. The best way to deal with weight issues is also a lot like how you deal with Sarah Palin: accept that they won’t go away, and don’t let your feelings ruin your appetite.
–Dr. Lastname
I am a divorced 26-year-old (I have been divorced for almost 5 years). My marriage was a toxic abusive relationship. Regardless of that, I feel “happy,” I have realistic career goals, a loving family and boyfriend. Everything adds up, but I feel as though my happiness is a mirage. I’m happy with everything and everyone but myself. I just never add up to what I feel I should be or can be, especially when it comes to the number on my bathroom scale. I feel as though I will never be thin enough. I know it is unnatural to feel this way, being that I’m thin for my height, but I worry I am spinning on the edge most days looking at nutrition labels and focusing on the number of the day. How can I over come this mind game? Why did it bloom so late after my divorce? Is it even from my divorce or was this monster seeded a long time ago?
Most people aren’t happy with the way they look or how much they weigh, and all people spend at least a little time each day being unhappy, but many still manage to live normal, albeit slight chubby/grumpy lives.
As to the source of your insecurities, your guess is as good as mine and the many other scientists, clinicians, and desperate-for-a-topic writers who explain this phenomenon. It could be your ex, or it could reading too much Cosmo.
These experts assume, for the most part, that you wouldn’t be so self-critical if you didn’t listen to magazines, celebrities, or your critical-yet-well-meaning grandmother, and just believed in your self. They tell you that self-esteem will conquer all. Of course, they’re wrong.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on August 12, 2010
In this “Intervention”-happy society, we tend to believe that bluntly confronting friends about their problems is the ultimate solution. In reality, if you really want to warn a friend about worrisome behavior, it’s better to discuss risk without expressing worried feelings/”your behavior affects me in the following ways.” Worried feelings say you think people don’t know what they’re doing and you do, whereas discussing risk says you’re interested in how they value the cards in their hand and what they’re going to do with the losers. Don’t worry that your calm demeanor will fail to get across the depth of your concern. An in-your-face approach often fails to do much of anything.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve done some research, and I think my girlfriend is bipolar. She gets into these very good moods for no particular reason, and when she’s in this mood she can’t stop talking and seems high and silly (and that’s when she sometimes drinks too much). When she’s like that, she’s more obnoxious-funny than really funny, but she thinks she’s a riot. I’m not crazy about her up times, but what I really dread is the crash that follows; it’s hell for her and everyone around her. I know she sees a shrink, so I told her what I was worried about, but she acted like I was insulting her and then she said she was sorry, maybe I was right, but she likes feeling happy and doesn’t see anything wrong with it and why should it bother me. My goal isn’t to take away her joy, but I wonder if it’s bad for her to be bipolar and, if so, what she should do about it.
You’re right to worry about your girlfriend’s highs, but getting through to her may not be easy. Manic people aren’t exactly perceptive, unless by perceptive, you mean frighteningly giddy and overwhelming obnoxious.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on August 5, 2010
We’ve talked many times on this site about how controlling other people is essentially impossible (at least in the long run, but you’d be surprised how obedient people are short-term when you have cake). That’s why pushing for someone else’s acceptance isn’t just hopeless, but when we put that need ahead of our own convictions and priorities, it’s downright dangerous. People in AA are taught right off the bat to accept what they can’t change, which is a valuable lesson to anyone, with or without booze (or cake).
–Dr. Lastname
My husband worries a lot about my drinking and depression but, to my mind, I don’t think my drinking is a problem and I don’t think I’d be depressed if I wasn’t worried that he’d leave me. For the sake of our marriage, I’ve agreed to stop drinking for a while and go to AA, but I really feel that my drinking wasn’t causing me any problems and that I’m doing this to make him happy, which makes me feel weak and angry. I want to get him to accept me the way I am before I can’t take it anymore.
You’re in a tough spot, because partnership really can’t work without acceptance, and acceptance is not something you can control. The more you force acceptance, the harder it is to achieve. Accept that, buddy.
If you try too hard to get his acceptance, you’ll hide whatever you think he won’t accept, which means putting your drinking in the closet and going to the mall instead of AA meetings.
On his end, if he tries too hard to make the relationship work, he’ll pretend you’re not really drinking or that you’re going to change, which also means no real acceptance.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on June 7, 2010
Most people panic if their mental health goes south, and if/when they find a doctor to help them recover, they assume that treatment is a mystery about which doctors know best. If you’re in that situation and disagree with your doctor’s decisions, don’t act like a helpless child challenging an all-knowing parent. Learn what you need to know to make well-informed decisions and stand by them, whether or not your doctor agrees. It’s the best way to cure yourself of panic, and it makes refuting your doctor’s advice a discussion between equals, not a pleading.
–Dr. Lastname
My psychiatrist thinks I should increase my medication, but it already makes me sleepy and has caused me to gain 10 lbs. If anything, I’d really feel better getting off it entirely, because I hate being dependent on it. For the time being, I know I need it, because I’ve barely recovered from my last depression, but even thinking about increasing the dose makes me feel depressed. I’ve seen this doctor throughout my entire illness and she’s been very good with me up to this point, but now that I don’t agree with her I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to have to take more medication.
It’s much easier to have an agreeable disagreement if you’re not pushing someone with your emotions; after all, lawyers use evidence, not tantrums, to win a case.
Still, it’s hard not to push with your emotions when the issue is personal and scary. Unfortunately, you don’t have a choice.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 12, 2010
Discovery Channel always does well with its sharks, so this week, we’re going to try cases that are variations of the theme of “Shut up!” In many ways, sharks and “shut up” have the same effect on people, be they swimming in actual water or metaphorical self-pity; it’s painful and humbling, but if you come through your confrontation intact, you feel indestructable. Now, if you please, shut up and read.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m a 58-year-old gay man and it’s a long time since life has been any fun. I’ve been single for some time (with no real prospects of a relationship), my friends don’t seem to have time for me, and at the end of a hard day’s work running my own business, I’ve barely broken even and have nothing to look forward to but spending the evening alone. That’s when the depression closes in and I can’t stand living. I write all this because I know that I’m a miserable failure, and that facts, not depression or any other mental illness, are behind my reasoning. I mean, when I tell my few close friends how I feel, they tell me I’m being too hard on myself, but if you’re almost 60, alone, and a financial mess, doesn’t that mean you’re a loser? My goal is to be real about myself.
Sounds like your goal isn’t to be real about yourself, it’s to be mean to yourself because you’re in a bad mood. If you were to reread the above paragraph when your mood wasn’t so shitty, you’d see your treating “facts” with the same care as Bill O’Reilly.
So, to quote Bill, Shut up, I don’t want to hear it. You wouldn’t talk like that to a friend, or even probably your worst enemy, so don’t do it to yourself.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 1, 2010
We began this week with people paralyzed by fear of the unknown. We now end it with people who get stuck, not due to fear of the unknown, but rather fear of the untenable; their lives are blocked by the effects, or even just the possibility, of mental illness. Everyone’s lives, even for the few of us who are sane, are fraught with danger, so there’s no point in letting any illness ruin you, at least not without a fight.
–Dr. Lastname
I know that my depression is one of the main obstacles keeping me from getting a new job; I got laid off three months ago, and even though my meds had stopped working way before that, I had enough discipline to push through. Now I don’t have a workplace to go to, I have trouble getting motivated enough to do anything, so between my inability to get out of bed and the fact I look like a mess, interviews aren’t happening. My wife is pissed because I’m not motivated to get new work and I won’t go back to see the psychiatrist, but I don’t see the point in trying this new prescription, because it’s my fourth medication so far, and I don’t understand why the first medication I took, which worked the best, stopped working, and why none of the others since has done the job. I don’t see why I should waste my time getting treatment if it isn’t going to work, but my wife thinks I’m being complacent and lazy. My goal is to find some way to get better or at least get her off my back.
You’re reinforcing something I’ve been telling my children their whole lives; life is unfair.
It was unfair for them when I wouldn’t by them a Happy Meal or the latest Nintendo game, even when they deserved it, and it’s unfair for you now that you’ve lost your job and can’t find the right meds. Unfair is unfair, as they say (or at least as I say).
The trouble is, it isn’t a fair world for anyone, young or old, and you won’t survive if you can’t take your lumps and keep on going.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 29, 2010
For our 100th post, we address a problem that causes loads of people useless worry, and that is…useless worry. Just because horrible things may happen to you or someone you love (or because of someone you love), life shouldn’t end. Prepare yourself the best you can for whatever trouble you think you see coming, and then continue your regularly scheduled, useful life.
–Dr. Lastname
Living with my mentally ill 30-year-old daughter is wearing me out. My wife and I can never leave her alone, but we also can’t take her with us because she gets uncomfortable when she’s around people she doesn’t know and says inappropriate things in a loud voice and has to get up and leave. The problem isn’t her, though, it’s my wife, who is so worried about what will happen if we put her in a half-way house with other sick people that she can’t think clearly about it. We’ve got some money, but if we paid for my daughter to have her own condo and a nurse to keep an eye on her, the money wouldn’t last long. Then again, if she continues to live with us, we won’t last long. My goal is to get my wife to see that we have to get her into a state-supported program, for her sake and ours.
You hope to get your wife to see that your mentally ill daughter needs to live independently, but if you were making any progress in that direction, you wouldn’t be writing.
Let’s assume then, at least for the moment, that your hopes are false and your wife can’t let go, and if she can’t let go, she’ll always be thinking of new ways to make your daughter feel more comfortable and better understood. Which makes your goal a more and more distant dream.
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