Posted by fxckfeelings on August 27, 2009
There are some people who, no matter how talented and smart they are in some areas of life, are totally oblivious to their own flaws and, despite their intelligence, are world class fuck-ups (some of them even went to Harvard). In reality, being a fuck-up is a lot like being a psychopath; if you’ve seriously considered whether or not you’re a fuck-up, you probably aren’t one.
–Dr. Lastname
When I met my husband, he was a confident, bright, accomplished guy; he was top of his class, recruited to his firm at a high salary with a great contract, hard working, and all signs pointed to someone who would never have a problem making a living. Over ten years into our marriage, however, I’m seeing a different picture and I just don’t get it. This gifted, bright man is also stubborn as a mule and a lousy listener. I could see he was getting into trouble with his boss at work and I tried to help him, but he wouldn’t listen. Then, when he lost his job, he had big ideas about what he was going to do next, but he wound up finding nothing, and when I urged him to see a job counselor and keep busy doing other things at home, he wouldn’t listen. What I see is a guy who checks the job listings for half an hour every day, fills in a few applications on-line, and then gets obsessed with a computer project like synchronizing a new day planner. We’ve got a kid, we’re out of money, he hasn’t worked in over a year, I’m the only bread-winner, and I can’t get over how angry I am. How can I get him to see that he needs to change his tactics, particularly when I can hardly speak to him without ripping off his balls? Would couples therapy help me get through to him?
I wish I could tell you that your husband’s foot-dragging is caused by anger or fear about you or his parents, or having to be a grown-up, or past sexual trauma, etc., because then a good talk with you and/or a therapist could help him get over his negative feelings and move on with his life. But the odds are that it’s not pent-up feelings; it’s the way he is, and, if that’s the case, therapy of any kind isn’t going to change him, let alone get him employed.
I know, it’s hard to imagine how a sincere, gifted, accomplished guy can become so ineffective…at least at first. But it’s not hard to understand if you watch how people think and learn as they get older.
You’ve probably known a couple people who were brilliant in school but didn’t do well in their careers because they lacked a certain common sense, ability to get along with others, or organizational skills. Many people, of course, have weaknesses like these and learn how to manage them.
Some people, however, are not so fortunate. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 24, 2009
Like our clinical definition of “asshole“, “boundary issues” are a reliable source of high-risk pleasure for all participants and a regular, recession-proof employment for yours truly. If you’ve ever had someone become your instant best friend, or dated someone who couldn’t not be friends with his/her exes, then boundaries are low and the risk of heartbreak is high. Learn what boundaries are, where they are, and guard them well.
–Dr. Lastname
Even though I’m married, and even though I don’t think I’m in any danger, I’m pretty sure I’m in the middle of a “Single White Female” situation with a woman I work with. When she joined my department, we became fast friends because I thought we had similar tastes, and she was pretty funny and unbelievably generous (a month after she got hired, it was my birthday, and she organized the whole party, made a bunch of food, etc.). We were really close for a while , and I was flattered when she bought herself a pair of my favorite shoes, decided all my favorite movies were her favorite movies, and became chummy with many of my friends in and outside of the office. But then she started to get mad at me for small, silly things, and her mirroring of me became less flattering and more creepy and suffocating. She’s so not the generous, kind person she used to be with me—she doesn’t treat me kindly most of the time, let alone like a friend—but I’m not leaving my job, so I can’t get away from her. Besides, she’s “taken” most of my friends, so I feel like I’m stuck with her for the rest of my life. My goal is to figure out A), if I’m just being paranoid and/or self-centered, and B), how to gracefully get some distance without her making my life a living hell.
Overly close relationships serve one important purpose; they remind you why it’s good to have personal boundaries.
Like any wall, a personal boundary may sometimes make you lonely by keeping other people out. But without a boundary, you’ll never have the freedom to breathe, make personal choices and assert your own priorities.
You may counter that it’s not healthy to keep people from getting close, but your goal is not to get close to someone. It’s to get close without compromising your own most important priorities and your awareness of them. In other words, it’s to get close while retaining your boundaries. At least that’s the goal for your next friendship, after you get some space from the Needsy twin.
Looking back, you can see red flags warning you that your new friendship was not boundary-friendly. It happened too fast, felt too good, and involved too much fan-worship, mirroring, and absorbing of your taste, style, and social life. And footwear.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on August 20, 2009
We teach children that lying is bad, period. As adults, we agree with that statement, but can find any number of reasons why our own lies should be considered an exception. Bad or not, lies will, more often then not, get you into trouble, so you have to weigh the pros and cons of each piece of bullshit before you unleash it. If you think your lie is justified because of unfairness, or if you just lie out of habit despite your better judgment—if you’re so full of bullshit you need a bib before you speak—then you should stop looking for excuses and learn to shut your mouth.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m a landscape designer, and I’ve just spent 6 months living in planning hell with a pretty difficult client. We had different visions from the start, but he insisted I was the man for the job, even though we differed on every decision, every step of the way. And really, I was willing to put up with it if it meant getting to do the grounds (you heard me) on this guy’s country estate, which was an extensive project that would’ve paid a ton and given me the chance to do something spectacular that could gain me a national reputation. Finally, we agreed to some blue prints, which he paid for…right before firing me. Now, I know that he paid for the plans and they’re technically his, but the thing is, I put half a year into putting this project together—and turned down a lot of other work because I thought I’d need the time to make it happen—and if he’s going to screw me over like this, I feel like he deserves to get screwed over right back. He’s called asking for the plans, and I keep making excuses as to why I can’t give them to him, but he keeps pushing, and now I’m stuck. Should I tell him the truth, that he’ll get those plans over my dead body, or should I relent and give him the plans along with a piece of my mind? I know you dismiss the notion of justice, but this is my livelihood, and my goal is to get what’s owed me.
Cases like this are the reason you have ethical rules, so you’ll do what you think is right, regardless of provocations by the egregious assholes who are drawn to be your clients. Lucky for you, you at least acknowledge this is a dilemma, instead of feeling entitled to a landscaper jihad, so there’s hope for you yet.
Look, if you’re in the landscape designing business, most of your clients are richer than you are. Just on a practical level for your quest, that means they can higher bigger lawyers and fund battles that can outlast any puny resources you can haul out of your pockets.
Being rich also brings out the inner asshole, so your profession will naturally attract more of them than a Crane’s white porcelain standard edition. So if you feel that war is your calling, drop this business and go carve out runways and golf courses for a tour at Fallujah.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on August 17, 2009
As Yogi Berra once said, “It ain’t over ’til it’s over,” and while that’s surely the case for the current Red Sox season, it’s also true about relationships. Due to anything from a shared possession to a shared child, couples often end up tied together when they’re not together anymore. For those couples, they have to tread even more lightly now that they’re apart, or, when it comes to conflict between exes, it will be deja vu all over again.
–Dr. Lastname
After my husband and I got divorced, I started going to a therapist, because I was really leveled by the whole experience. Plus I worried I was facing a custody battle over our son, who was only five, and wanted to make sure I kept it together for him. Ultimately, custody went more smoothly than I expected (my son lives with me over the school year and spends summers and some holidays with his dad), and my ex and I are on civil terms. To make a long story short though, in talking to this therapist about my ex and his odd family (with whom he spends lots of time in the summer), the therapist asked me if my ex-husband had ever talked about being molested—the family behavior I described as odd, on top of my ex-husband’s own quirks, seemed indicative of a pattern of abuse. I got up the courage to confront my ex about it, but he shut me down pretty fast. The problem is that he has our son with him and his family, and I’m worried absolutely sick, but there’s nothing I can do. I’d like to help my ex in a way, but my goal, really, is to do what’s best for my son.
Let’s imagine, just for the sake of argument, that your ex-‘s family is eccentric but not abusive. You push your ex-, he tells his family, they’re all offended and can’t talk about you without snarling with anger. Now they’re not just eccentric, they’re enraged.
Then, your son picks up on the vibrations and starts walking on eggshells with everyone, including you. That’s how dangerous it is to try too hard to protect your son from abuse; declare war on those who threaten him, and he could be your first casualty.
A better goal is to do whatever you can to protect him from abuse while also trying to protect him from the potential conflict an allegation will trigger. It’s certainly a fine line, and you must be able to tolerate fear and uncertainty to walk it. You don’t really have a choice, because the alternative is worse. And, anyway, it’s part of your parental job description.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on August 13, 2009
Sadly, misogyny is a lot like Chlamydia: a lot of men spread it unwittingly until somebody knowledgeable points out the signs and clears it right up. Of course, in a lot of situations, women don’t have the option of pointing out bad male behavior—either because they’re dealing with a superior at work, or because no one will listen to them—and the infected member (the male brain) remains untreated. If you can’t fix a misogynist, however, you can always use your healthier brain to work around him.
–Dr. Lastname
In my particular field, I’m used to being patronized by my superiors because I’m a woman; it’s a male-dominated profession, and you just have to ignore the bullshit and do the work like the rest of the guys, and I’ve never had a problem with that. After getting transferred six months ago, I’ve been working for an especially condescending jerk, and, like usual, I ignored him and did my job. The problem is that a round of evaluations just came in, and he gave me a less-than-stellar assessment because he says I don’t assert myself enough, or speak up in unit meetings, or generally give as much input as everyone else. How am I supposed to do that when every time I open my mouth he pats me on the head and tells me to be a good girl and let the smart men-folk talk? I am good at my job, and this guy’s a pig, and my goal is to keep my job without losing my cool.
It’s always smart to avoid making waves when you’re floating in shit, but don’t stop there. Despite being down in it, you need to keep yourself as clean as possible and ready to move on to a better job at the first opportunity.
Sure, that’s not easy when you’re up against a boss who is hobbling you and criticizing you for moving too slow. But if you get pushed too far and express your anger, you’ll be considered disgruntled and proving his charge of not being a team player.
So your goal is not to get justice, because that just fans your rage, and you’re right to want to keep cool. Your goal is to stay focused on keeping this job while seeking a new one, despite the powerful, debilitating, Kafkaesque effect of feeling condemned by authorities for your most selfless sacrifices.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on August 10, 2009
Some people find themselves suddenly, inexplicably cursed by a life of hardship and pain, while others cruise through a blessed existence of acclaim and luck. Truth is, of course, that the person in pain isn’t doomed to constant misery, and lucks brings its own peculiar, unavoidable hardship; thankfully, everyone of us, in one way or another, is fucked. It’s where we go from there that makes the difference.
–Dr. Lastname
Just a few years ago, in my early 20s, I was a fun, outgoing law student at a top tier school, on the cusp of beginning a promising career in a competitive field that I loved. But then, out of no where, my health fell apart. Without getting into it, I was diagnosed with a rare, chronic disease that causes me so much pain and fatigue that even the simplest tasks have become arduous. I had to drop out of school, move back home, and learn to deal, not just with the physical pain of everyday life, but with feelings of failure and being a complete loser. All my old friends are moving upwards and onwards, like I was once set to do, and all I can do is take it slow and try to cope with this new, brutal reality. Plus, because my disease is rare and not physically obvious (I look healthy), several friends and even family members have decided that I’m not sick, but that I just buckled under the competitive pressure of my law career or that I’m just lazy, and am using a fake disease as an excuse. They say things like, “my joints hurt, but I go to work everyday,” and I just want to curl up and die. Between my own disappointment and their cruel judgment, I’ve withdrawn from social interaction almost completely for a year now. My goal is to not completely isolate myself from the world and maybe even start to enjoy some social interaction again despite feeling self-conscious and experiencing such dismissive attitudes from others.
It’s good that you want to get out of your self-imposed solitary confinement—living like that’s unhealthy, even for people who are physically healthy to begin with—but attaching the enjoyment of social interaction onto your goal is not so hot, especially when you’re suffering from a disease that seems to make enjoying anything nearly impossible and gives prospective friends a case of the repulsive willies.
Problem is, despite your best efforts, enjoyment is out of your control, and if you make a big effort to extend yourself socially and run into crap, you’ll feel like a stupid failure and personally rejected, when, really, it’s your standards that are the problem. Yours and everyone else’s.
A better goal is to work at not taking your pain and isolation personally while working out rational standards for what it means to cope with them.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on August 3, 2009
Like almost every useful treatment, medical or otherwise, psychotherapy can be dangerous, particularly when you rely on your (say it with me now) feelings to decide whether or not to continue. Ironically, feeling good is one of the worst reasons to stay with therapy, and feeling crappy is one of the worst reasons to end it.
–Dr. Lastname
My therapist is about to depart on vacation for one month, and I’m feeling f*cking nervous and tense about it. I’d like to know what I can do to make the best of this break in therapy and come back refreshed and ready to start work again when my therapist returns, and also how to keep the unpleasant feelings of missing her to a minimum.
Congratulations! While your question seems like a short-and-sweet query (or maybe a chance to cheat on the classic back-to-school essay, “What I did on my therapist’s summer vacation”) it’s actually a perfect example of the dangers of focusing too much on feelings when you’re undergoing psychotherapy. A+
Look, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying therapy, experiencing emotional relief or a feeling of personal growth, or liking or missing your therapist. Just remember—you’re paying for this and should never forget what you’re getting it for. Or you’ll be sorry.
If you rely on your feelings to tell you whether to continue therapy, you may never have reason to stop. You may continue to like your therapist, find the subject interesting, learn something new, and feel the treatment supports you in a way nothing and no one else does.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on July 30, 2009
When women are hooked on the wrong kind of love, they often want advice for the wrong reasons, which explains why sometimes good advice is worse than no advice at all. Oddly, giving romantic advice to friends is sort of like dating itself; if it doesn’t stick after a few attempts, then stop wasting your time.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve given my closest girlfriend the same advice a million times, and a million times, she’s passively ignored me, so I’ll say straight away that my goal is to give advice she’ll actually listen to. The problem she always comes to me with is this (and in her mind, it isn’t a problem, at least at first): said friend is in a band, and because of that, she’s always on the road, and in her travels she meets these guys (either randomly for one night or for a few weeks at a time if they’re touring with her band, that kind of thing), and every so often she falls for one of these guys and wants to find a way to have a real relationship with him, even though it’s logistically impossible in the long term due to the fact they live in one place and she lives in another (never mind that they’re usually too young, too drunk, too full of themselves, etc). I tell her those things, but she insists her feelings (which is what made me think I should write you!) can’t be ignored, that guy-of-the-moment gives her butterflies and she can’t remember being this excited about anyone. It’s only a matter of time before things go horribly wrong (he stops returning her texts/calls, starts being a jerk to her, take your pick), and then she’s sad, tells me she should have listened to me, and wonders why she’s so dumb about guys. I, too, wonder, but I’m sure you’ve got it all figured out.
Instead of asking yourself what’s wrong with your advice because it hasn’t got through to her after a million times, ask yourself whether there’s any hope of her hearing your advice. Ever. And not because she has tinnitus.
Because the sad thing is, when it comes to the thrill of romance, some people are addicted to those “butterflies” and want to embrace that sensation, no matter how many times they’ve been burned. They love love, whether it’s real or phony, and regardless of how long it takes them to recover, or what else they lose while recuperating. Love is blind, your friend is deaf and dumb.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on July 27, 2009
When you work at a family business, you often feel obliged to go above and beyond what would normally be expected of you. But if “above and beyond” means your job has forced you into a moral quandary and a double life as a cop or therapist, then it’s time to forget family and get rational. And if you still can’t figure out a solution, it’s time to get a new job.
–Dr. Lastname
My family has had a business going back three generations; now my dad’s in charge, my sister and I work there, plus a bunch of cousins, aunts, and uncles. I was looking through one of my client’s files when I saw some numbers that looked off. Going through the records, it became clear that this was a persistent inaccuracy, so I went to my sister, who actually does the accounting. She was really upset I’d come to her—she admitted she’d cooked the books a bit, and hoped I wouldn’t notice—but begged me not to say anything to anyone or be mad, because our father had told her to do it, and said he had a good reason. I don’t want to ask my father what that reason is—even though I can’t imagine what reason he has in mind—but I do want him to stop, because he’s putting the entire business in danger. At the same time, he’s my father, and if I do challenge him, it would really upset him and everyone else in the family. They respect him and would consider it disloyal to question his judgment or put the family in trouble. But wouldn’t going under or getting sued also upset the family? I’ve always believed in doing the right thing, but is it right to confront him and get everyone mad at me and possibly lose my job, or to say nothing and be part of something dishonest? It’s killing me not to have an answer, and that’s my goal.
If you assume that there’s always a good way to do right—that there’s a black and white right and wrong—you’ll often make things worse for you and your loved ones. Simple-minded idealists probably do more harm in this world than all the thieves combined.
The problem with these idealists is that they elevate the peaceful feeling of a good conscience above considering what happens next or whom it harms. If this actually were a simpler world where the only temptations came from destructive or selfish impulses, and all of us really had the same ability to choose between good and evil…well then, that sounds like a very simple, logical place to be. But it also sounds like one nation under Skynet.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on July 23, 2009
In business negotiations, the best way to get what you want is to offer the other person something they want, respectfully. In families, on the other hand, people negotiate by being emotional, desperate, and needy, which is why the women in these two cases need to learn the business, and fast.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been a teacher in the public school system for a long time, but in recent years, with this “teaching the test” nonsense, I’ve felt less and less appreciated for what I do. Now that an administrative shake-up has replaced anyone knowledgeable about education with empty bureaucrats who treat me like some uncertified graduate student, I’m desperate to retire and save myself from what’s become a daily indignity. My husband knows how much I want to stop teaching—he’s heard about my deteriorating job for a while now—but he’s facing a lot of restructuring at his own job, so he’s not very supportive of my decision because he’s worried about where that will leave us financially. I know that’s a reasonable response given he might see his salary get reduced (or disappear), but no matter how rationally I assess the situation, I still resent him for not supporting me, and then I feel guilty for expecting his support when he has worries of his own. My goal then, as I see it, is to get him to understand that I’ve really, really had it with this job and that I need to get out and that he should be giving me emotional support right now, because I’m about to lose my mind.
Look at the disaster you’re setting up by going after your husband’s understanding, but, at the same time, scaring the shit out of him about your economic security. There’s the concept of the carrot and the stick—this is the stick and the mace.
Let’s assume he’s much kinder and smarter than the usual hubby, and doesn’t lay a guilt trip on you about who’s been working harder/who most deserves a rest right now/why the hell do you think you can start to ease off when he has to double his pace just to break even, blah blah blah.
Even then, it would take an inhuman saint to be so calm about your troubles (and their impact on your mortgage payments) not to respond with, “well, dear, we need to think this through,” rather than “I’ll do whatever it takes to make you feel safe.” Not the way you’re framing the argument.
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