Posted by fxckfeelings on June 11, 2012
People usually feel to blame (and are blamed) for poor performance unless they have a good excuse, like a clear medical diagnosis, a personal tragedy, an act of god, or some combination of the three. Otherwise, you’re stuck with the blame, because people worship good performance and assume there’s always a way for someone who has the will (even though we know, rationally, how absurd that is). So be prepared to fight inner and outer prejudices if you become disabled while learning to trust your own observations as you decide how to get the most out of reduced resources. After all, excuses are unnecessary when you know you’re doing your best.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m about to start my last year of college so I need to start thinking about what to do next. Until a few months ago, I’d always been planning to go to graduate school (I love my subject, and I don’t want to stop learning about it yet). Now though, I’m considering taking some time out and going home for a bit instead. I was quite seriously ill a few months ago with bacterial meningitis and since then I’ve been constantly exhausted, having trouble academically (something I’ve never experienced before) and had an unpleasant bout of depression. I almost dropped out but somehow battled through and passed my exams. The depression is easing off at last (I had CBT, which helped, and cut down on stress) but I’m still feeling a bit fragile. I feel like some time recuperating might be a better idea than moving to another strange city where I won’t have support from friends and family and the demands of grad school, as I’m worried that the stress might make me depressed again. Then again, it also feels like I’m letting my illnesses get the better of me and maybe when the year rolls around I’ll be fine and completely recovered and taking a year out is just lazy and I’ll end up stagnating while my friends move on to new and exciting things. My goal is to decide which course is right and accept it, even if it isn’t ideal.
When a severe illness or injury saps your strength and makes it hard to get out of bed, you wonder whether pushing yourself back to work will hasten recovery or cause a relapse. Sportswriters often debate this issue among themselves, which tells you that it springs from deeply irrational feelings.
According to them, the real hero is the one who plays hurt, regardless of personal cost, in the name of victory. Of course, if he plays badly, they decide he’s a glory-hogging bum who’s ruining the franchise, the sport, and the universe.
With that kind of thinking, you’re damned either way, so you’re better off developing your own method for deciding whether to work or rest so you can be your own, most honest critic. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 7, 2012
It’s hard to feel independent when you’re feeling, or acting, needy, and it’s hard to be in a state of neediness without feeling like a jerk. Unfortunately, life often gives you needs that can’t be helped, so being dependent on others from time to time doesn’t make you a jerk, just human. True independence is not a matter of denying your needs or keeping imports and exports equal (though that would be nice); it’s a matter of putting your values first and acknowledging it. That way, even if you aren’t making enough money, or giving or taking an equal share, you’re making good choices.
–Dr. Lastname
My ex-wife just isn’t competent to do child care, work, or much of anything, so I’ve been the single parent for my two kids and I’m proud of the job I’ve done. The only hitch is that I wouldn’t have been able to bring them up in our nice house and send them to good schools if it weren’t for my parents’ support; I’ve done a good job at everything except getting a good job. Recently, I trained up for a sales job, but now it’s clear that I’m no good at it, so now l’ll need to ask my parents for more money, and I can’t imagine how I’m going to do it. My goal is to stop being so dependent on my parents to survive.
Economic independence is a good feeling, but if it was the most important measure of a person’s worth then the most admirable person on earth would be Donald Trump (and even he had some help from dad). That’s a vision even the staunchest capitalist could not abide.
The fact is, economic independence is another of those feel-good outcomes that we influence but never fully control, so there are many reasons why good people don’t have it or come to lose it. That wouldn’t be true in a fair and perfect world, but it’s certainly true in this one. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 4, 2012
When people argue about medical self-care, be it with family or just with themselves, their feelings are often masquerading as reason. After all, emotions make decisions fraught and complicated, while reason tells you that you can never control your health, just make choices that have costs and probabilities. If you face those costs and probabilities with courage, you need never defend your decisions, regardless of their outcome. It’s natural to worry, but it’s useless to let worrying dictate what you do and don’t do with your health.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband and I have a great marriage, but there’s one issue we seldom agree on, and it’s irritating as well as worrisome. Whenever I decide to get medical advice about a problem, like back pain or anxiety, he suggests I’d do better by sucking it up and staying away from doctors and medicine, which is the way things were done in his family. I, on the other hand, believe you owe it to yourself to get good medical advice and that getting treatment is the way you take good care of yourself. I don’t like his disrespect for my opinion or his lack of sympathy when I’m clearly suffering. My goal is to get him to at least respect my point of view.
It’s natural to emotionalize health care decisions in terms of fear because that’s how we often make them: when we’re worried enough, we see a doctor.
Trouble is, worry can as easily drive you to avoid as to overuse medical care and can also embroil you in endless debates with family members whose worry style is a little different from your own. And there are many styles to choose from. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 31, 2012
The helplessness of trying to help troubled kids often brings out the fighting spirit in those who care the most. Unfortunately, without a clear enemy from which you can rescue your child, you often fight for goals that can’t happen, target other would-be helpers, and make a bad thing worse. Regardless of how helpless you feel, your goal isn’t to save troubled children from a monster or a mental illness; it’s to find out if there’s something you can do that will actually help while avoiding direct emotional conflict. Not fighting won’t relieve your helplessness, but it will let you work towards something better.
-http://www.fxckfeelings.com/ask-for-help/
My ex-wife, who is a therapist, is spooking me out about our son, whom she says she’s treating for a variety of serious problems. He’s now 10, and he’ll tell me one day, when I’ve got visitation, that he’s having suicidal thoughts, using grown-up phrases that make me think he’s just repeating something he got out of a book or from TV. Then she’ll keep him home from school and stop visitation for a couple weeks while she does “therapy” with him, at the end of which time she’ll declare that the problem is solved. A few weeks later, he won’t show up and she tells me she’s keeping him home for treatment because he’s having “panic attacks.” My kid needs help and I can’t believe her treatment is doing any good. Meanwhile, he’s not getting help from anyone else, especially not the staff of his school, who are eager to help but never see him enough (they’re already bending over backwards to keep him from repeating this year and are trying to avoid reporting him for truancy, given the number of school days he’s missed). My goal is to get my son the help he needs.
It’s hard not to unleash your wrath when your ex-wife’s insistence on playing doctor blocks the real doctor from getting through. Your own child is in trouble, your ex’s behavior is troubling, and you’re this close to tearing her a new one.
Remember, however, that nuclear wars between protective caregivers are costly and often harm the one you most want to rescue; by fighting against your ex-wife’s treatment, you’d just be increasing her blast range.
The first thing to do then is to consider the alternatives while taking comfort in the fact that there’s a great deal you can learn about your child’s problems, and a great deal you can do to help. But it’ll only work if you take things one at a time instead of taking your wife down. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 24, 2012
Earlier this week, relationships were compared to bodies—both can withstand some damage while staying healthy—and now it’s time to look at them as cars. After all, some relationships look terrible from the outside but run without a problem, while others have an envious appearance but are internally falling apart. Instead of rating your relationship on how its general appearance makes you feel, determine what you’re in the relationship for and if you were able to do your part, given the two unchangeable characters involved. Then, whether or not you fight or feel close to your partner, you can respect yourself and decide what course, even if it’s full of curves, is more worthwhile.
–Dr. Lastname
Please note: there will be no new post on Monday due to the holiday weekend. If we don’t take a day off, we’ll go nuts.
My marriage was a mismatch all along but lasted 30 years and produced 3 kids, now adult. We were young, he weak and immature, me insecure and needy after being abused and rejected as a kid. He provided and did his duty but was emotionally distant and rarely intimate with me. I had anger for both of us and acted as scapegoat for all the people who walked over him. He had an affair 20 years ago and I went crazy with anger and grief but I stayed dependent on him. Sex stopped years ago and he was tolerant of me seeing other men but still I hoped the marriage could be fixed. He left 3 years ago, bought a motorcycle, etc., but insisted he did not want divorce. He started seeing a co-worker but I only learned he had been involved with her for years when she confronted him at my home and made a huge scene about all his lying. He behaved weakly and ran away. He is still involved with this woman but does not live with her and has not started a divorce. The money remains joint. I have another man, a part time job, and my family but still harbor a vague hope that the marriage can somehow be fixed and made good. My goal is to accept reality and move from a state of limbo into letting go of a marriage which was co-dependent and unhealthy for decades.
Your marriage accomplished many of the goals that mattered most to you, your husband, and all those who approach marriage pragmatically. Most people would hope for their mismatches to be so lucky. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 21, 2012
A healthy marriage is a lot like a healthy person; one can have nagging injuries and superficial imperfections, but if there are no major malfunctions, consider yourself fit. Your partner may make a good spouse despite a roving eye, or your partner may admit that his/her version of perfect love is actually deeply flawed, revealing that your healthy marriage has actually had a malignant tumor the whole time. If you want a love that lasts, find out all you can about what your candidate has always been like as a partner before you tie the knot. Then, even if your relationship is occasionally under the weather, it still has the stuff for a long life.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t want to get hurt again by my wife’s infidelities. We’ve been married for 30 years and she’s been a good mother to our kids and a hard worker, but every few years she gets over-involved with someone she’s working with or meets socially, and crosses the line, and then she’s immediately very sorry. Last time she did it, it took me a year of therapy to get over the pain and start to trust her again. Now I see signs that it’s happening again, and I just want to withdraw and spare myself the hurt of another episode. My goal is not to be repeatedly humiliated and angry.
Of course you never want to feel humiliated or betrayed by your spouse, and her behavior definitely violates your wedding vows (or at least the implied vow to keep it in your pants).
On the other hand, people have their weaknesses, which means bad behaviors that they don’t recognize or control or both. The bottom line for you then is not how much you’re hurting, but whether the value of your partnership outweighs your hurt. It’s the Carmella Soprano/First Lady conundrum. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 17, 2012
The danger in generosity is that, whether you’re the one giving or being given to, it’s supposed to make you feel good, but often doesn’t. That’s not to say it’s good to be as selfish as Donald Trump and use your fortune to treat yourself to unlimited gold toilets, but the sad fact is, the guy who wins the lottery and tries to spread the wealth usually winds up hating and being hated by his former friends. If you focus on the long-term good you want to accomplish, however, rather than on the immediate joys of the gift, you’re much less likely to be disappointed, wounded, or punished, and much more likely to make an act of generosity into something meaningful (much more meaningful than a gold toilet).
–Dr. Lastname
My brother and I grew up poor, so one of the first things I did after I hit it big with my company was to buy him things. He’s very un-materialistic, but I knew he could use some appliances for his house, and it was my pleasure to get them for him. So I was a little shocked and hurt when he wrote me to say that he would appreciate it if I didn’t get him things. He didn’t explain why, and I knew he wasn’t trying to insult me, but it sure felt like it. Since then, I’ve felt estranged—if he doesn’t want my gifts, I feel like there’s not much to be said, and I’m just not comfortable chatting or dropping by. My goal is to honor his wishes without feeling hurt.
Thank you notes exist because people have strong feelings about the way other people respond to their gifts; it’s like a receipt for a good deed. The act of giving seems meaningless—even hurtful—if there’s no corresponding act of gratitude.
Having experienced poverty, however, you know better; a well-chosen, timely gift can enhance a person’s safety, health, and opportunity and, if the recipient is a family member, and particularly one with children, the positive impact of the gift may outweigh their lack of a positive response. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 14, 2012
Marital nastiness, no matter how harsh and unfair, should never make you a victim. Even when your partner is an overbearing jerk, you have a right to leave or stay and an ability to judge for yourself whether you’ve done less than your share and deserve less-than-loving treatment. As long as you remember your choices and exercise your own judgment, even the most painful marriage won’t control your mind.
–Dr. Lastname
Six months ago, I had my husband arrested for domestic violence. I was pregnant at the time. It was a wake-up call for both of us—there were many unspoken resentments between us as I have a very high stress job and he stayed home with our first child. We are both in therapy now, because, while I know I’m not responsible for his actions, I absolutely had some emotional messiness to clean up on my end. Somehow, we have recommitted to truly working together, but I am still so angry at him for putting me through that ordeal. We do love each other, but personality-wise, we are probably not the best match, and if there were not small children involved, I would have divorced him after this. My family, with whom I’ve always had a strained relationship, hate that I’m giving my husband another chance and are punishing me for it, telling me how I am being controlled, putting my children at risk, etc. I had my child 2 months ago and I’m already back at work, working like crazy (someone has to support the family), but I’m so overwhelmed, unsupported and just failed by everyone when I have 2 small children depending on me and a career to manage. The pace that I am keeping is ridiculous. Help! I need to figure out what I need to do to feel less overwhelmed. And if my husband and I are going to have a chance, I need to let go of my anger.
I wish it were possible for everyone to let go of anger and be happy in this life (but for this breakthrough to occur only after I’m retired).
Unfortunately, the unfairness of life, together with the unfairness of the worst personality traits we’re cursed with, make it impossible for many of us not to feel lots of chronic, steady anger on top of whatever one experiences for especially lousy events. For such people, being calm is just being quietly pissed.
So, for members of this club, as much as they wish they could get rid of it, the question isn’t how to let go of anger and feel peace, peace, peace; it’s how to manage one’s daily anger without turning into an emotional Hulk. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 10, 2012
Sometimes it hurts as much to win at love as it does to lose, and hurting always makes people wonder what they did wrong. In truth, hurt is a sign of growth, which is a good thing that just happens to feel bad; it’s worth it if it means finding a good partner in the end, and it can be a sign that you’ve made a tough choice or that you’re learning from a sad mistake. Do what’s necessary to learn and/or build a strong partnership, and if it hurts, just remember you’re doing something right.
–Dr. Lastname
I know my current boyfriend understands me much better than my old boyfriend did, and I value that tremendously. We have a great relationship and we’ll probably get married. What bothers me is that my old boyfriend was a terrific person, my family loved him, and we got along very well for 2 years, and then I broke his heart. I loved him; it just bothered me that he couldn’t quite understand me. And now, the happier I am with my new relationship, the guiltier I feel for my old boyfriend’s unhappiness and the more I wonder whether I had the right to dump such a nice person.
Feeling someone really understands you is a powerful force for sustaining friendship and partnership. That’s why some people, in order to justify dating someone too young or dumb, often convince themselves such connections exist.
You may be more attracted to someone from a different background who seems exotic and interesting, or someone with whom you constantly, passionately spar. In the end, feeling understood is part of what make you feel at home which, if you’re thinking of starting a home together, is a big deal. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 7, 2012
Particularly when you’re expecting to raise kids, there are good reasons to commit yourself to caring for your partner through thick and thin, sickness and health. What you should recognize from the beginning, however, is that uncontrollable, bad things can happen that can make a partnership dangerous and destructive to one or more family members and then it’s your responsibility, as an individual, to do what’s necessary. Mental and neurologic illness can change personalities and create overwhelming burdens. Unrecognized character problems are equally uncontrollable and can have a similar impact. When you take your vows, keep this in mind and remember, many people who divorce are trying to choose the least of the evils that face them and haven’t forgotten the promises they made.
–Dr. Lastname (Doctor only today– the writer half is under the weather)
When I was manic and crazy, I really fucked up my marriage. For 6 months, I was talking fast, flinging money around, drinking hard, sleeping with anyone I could catch, and generally acting like an asshole. The third time I went into the hospital, the doctors found a medication that worked and, since then, I’m back to my old self but my wife has decided it’s all over. She goes out without me whenever she can and acts like she’s angry whenever we’re together. I can understand her feelings, but she won’t accept my apology. For the last 6 months, I’ve shown her my old, reliable self, but I can’t win back her trust. The problem is my bad; I should be able to make it right.
We all want marital vows to overcome whatever bad things life throws at us, and so we promise to care for our partners through thick and thin, unconditionally.
What’s stupid about such promises, however, is that some of those bad things are the size of an asteroid and can wipe out any marriage, regardless of how strong the love and commitment, and feeling obliged to stick with vows that have no escape clauses can drive you crazy.
Yes, your wife should forgive you for having a manic episode: you couldn’t help it and the part you can help—taking your medication—you’re doing well. It takes courage to resume your life and face the people you know after the humiliation and chaos of acting like a crazy jerk.
The sad thing that can’t be helped isn’t your illness; it’s your wife’s reaction to it. I assume you and others have done all you can to educate her about it and you’ve had a good opportunity to show her what your values are and regain her confidence, now that you’re well again. If it hasn’t worked, it’s not because there’s something wrong with your approach: it’s probably because there’s something wrong with your wife’s character. She just doesn’t have the strength.
Look at her closely, and you’ll probably find she’s never had the strength, meaning that she’s never been able to keep a relationship going if it hurt her too much. That’s why it’s important, when looking for a partner, to find someone who’s shown an ability to stick by her friends and family regardless of hurt. It’s a quality that’s even more important than the fact that you love one another. Without it, you’re fucked. Now you know.
So don’t make yourself responsible for her reaction, as sad as it is. You didn’t cause your illness or give her the character she has. Don’t apologize. Don’t beg. Let her know you understand your illness put her through a very hard time, but that you’re confident that you’ve recovered and that you can again be a good partner. Maybe surviving this hard time has made you stronger and wiser. In any case, if she still wants the partnership, it’s hers; if not, you both need to move on.
You need someone strong who can still love you after a manic episode, and she needs someone lucky who doesn’t get sick.
STATEMENT:
“I feel like I destroyed my marriage and it’s my job to get it back, but I know I didn’t cause my illness, and I’m proud of the way I manage it. I can’t help it if my wife can’t tolerate it, but I know I need a wife who can.”
After her last hospitalization a year ago, my wife didn’t recover all that much, and she’s gradually become very different from the woman I married. Her psychiatrists tell me there’s no new treatment to try (she didn’t tolerate clozapine, which is the Hail Mary treatment for crazy thinking) and she’s probably not going to recover much more than she has now. She’s able to keep herself clean, but she still hears voices, looks befuddled, and thinks I’m spying on her for the FBI. She can do simple chores, but she’s very distractible. Most nights, she sleeps at her mother’s house because that’s where she’s most comfortable. I’ve got used to taking care of the kids on my own, and I can’t trust her with them when she’s around. I miss her terribly and I promised to stand by her in sickness and health, but I don’t know that I can stand this much longer. I feel bad about deserting her when she really can’t help it, but taking care of her and the kids is more than I can manage.
You sound like you’ve done all you can to help your wife recover from severe mental illness and it isn’t going to happen. Instead of blaming yourself or anyone else for her failed recovery, you’re facing it as a sad fact of life. What troubles you most is dealing with your marital vows to stick together through sickness and health.
Marital vows ignore the fact that some illnesses can destroy a family and present you with impossible choices. Most times, sticking together is manageable, better than the alternative, good for the kids, and the right thing to do. It’s not hard to imagine situations, however, when sticking with someone does no good for them, destroys your life, and is bad for the kids. No one likes to think of those things at a wedding, or ever.
Put aside your guilt long enough to ask yourself what she would expect of you if she were her old self and what you would expect of her if your positions were reversed. Assume that you both believe in standing by the one you love, but not if it does no good, or overwhelms the resources of the healthy partner, or endangers the kids and their future. Assess the impact she has on them and they on her. Take into account that she probably qualifies for social security/disability and may also be eligible for state services for the chronically mentally ill.
Don’t assume that the path that hurts most is the one that’s right. This is not a conflict between duty and pleasure or between selfless vows and selfishness. It’s a conflict between your responsibility to care for your wife and your assessment of the value of your sacrifice, the good it can do, and the harm it can cause to your other responsibilities.
Either way, it breaks your heart, but you have an administrative responsibility as the sole leader of the family and you need to do what will do the most good/least harm. Whatever you choose, respect yourself for bearing the burden of this choice.
STATEMENT:
“I feel like I can’t leave my marriage without breaking my vows and deserting my wife when she needs me most. I can’t help the fact that she’s no longer the same person and doesn’t get much from being married to me. I’ll try to weigh the competing ethical responsibilities and do the right thing, knowing there’s no way to do right without also causing harm.”
