Posted by fxckfeelings on October 10, 2013
There’s no perfect way to deal with someone close to you when, due to depression, discouragement, and/or plain laziness, they become too dependent on you for support; whether your strategy is to give loving comfort or a tough kick in the pants, their attitude tends to defeat them and their would-be helpers. If you wish to help someone who is under-engaged in life, whether your motivation is love or self-survival, don’t wait for the underactive to feel rejuvenated. Instead, create a regimen and reward progress with gifts, food, and/or good ol’ verbal encouragement. Then, if they still don’t do their share, decide on the support you think is right to provide, knowing that change is not an option, but cutting them off is.
–Dr. Lastname
My younger son is 23 and living at home. He dropped out of university and has drifted since, working abroad for a while, now doing an office job on a temp contract for the past year. When not at work he sleeps in and is lackadaisical in direction. I am going through a divorce from his father and working very hard in a low-paying job. I am also having to support my daughter through the collapse of her marriage. My son wants to quit his job which he dislikes and sees as a dead end and use the time to pursue a career. His earnings are paying for some of his bills and he hasn’t saved much although I charge very little rent. I fear his half-hearted approach will soon return and resent coming home from a tough shift at work to find him still in bed. My goal is to be supportive without feeling used and resentful. I am worried about him but nagging wears me out and I have problems of my own.
Whatever career your son hopes to pursue, let’s hope it’s not one that requires basic skills of observation; you’re obviously stretched out, so if he thinks he can rely on you when he doesn’t have income, he’s not just oblivious to your situation, but his own.
Even if he doesn’t realize it, you know that his business plan is heavy on dreams and light on discipline. Instead of expressing anger, skepticism, or disappointment, however, ask him whether he sees himself as having a problem with avoidance. Shame may have made him lie about his difficulties and pretend that he’s done more than he has. If he can acknowledge the problem, you can offer him coaching, advice, and incentives for building good habits. You may not be able to help support him financially, but you’ve got emotional support in spades. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 30, 2013
Sometimes being overly-sensitive makes it hard to be centered and confident, and sometimes being insensitive makes it easy to be a brash, heartless jerk. If you happen to have the gift of sensitivity, don’t try to change yourself because it doesn’t bring you peace or happiness, or if you care about someone who doesn’t care about being careless, don’t try to change them into someone who does. Instead, work hard to consult your own values and learn how to manage a gift that often comes with a painful cost. Sadly, being good often makes you feel bad.
–Dr. Lastname
My brother never doubts himself and always thinks he’s right, even when he isn’t, and doesn’t care much if people are angry with him—usually, he doesn’t notice. That make him sound like a jerk, but really, I envy him, because I’m always quick to apologize, even when I haven’t done anything wrong, because I doubt myself. I also obsess about whether somebody hates me, and what I’ve done to deserve it, because I can’t shake the feeling that everything bad that happens is my fault. My goal is to figure out how to have his kind of confidence.
Watch out what you wish for, given that you see that your brother’s comfort with himself results from an insensitivity to the feelings of others, which is a major symptom of being a minor schmuck.
Yes, it would be nice if you suffered less from second-guessing, but self-doubt also makes you more tuned in to relationships, so you’re better able to judge and correct yourself if you do something wrong. If your brother doesn’t notice when people around him are mad, he’s also probably oblivious to the fact that he may have done something wrong (and it reads as schmuckish). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 26, 2013
Sometimes it’s as hard to save a marriage from the false suspicion of infidelity as it is to save it from infidelity itself. That’s because people respond to marital hurt by trying to prove their love, which, after all, is what started the whole thing going, makes the world go round and supports the diamond and edible underpants industries. Unfortunately, you often can’t manufacture romance in an old marriage, even with jewels, Viagra, and clothes that double as meals, so rating your relationships by their emotional flame is a good way to generate additional marital doubt, conflict, and defeat. So, when expressions of love are not enough, try rating your marriage as a functioning partnership and source of acceptance. Then, when your romantically-deprived or -injured side goes looking for drama, you’ll know the real value of what you’ve got, and have nothing to fear.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve never had an affair before, but after 20 years of marriage and an only child in college, I started to feel like my life was over, and I needed an adventure. The problem is that I love my husband, who is a good guy and a terrific father, and when he found my email messages to the guy I had a (fairly regrettable) one night stand with, it broke his heart. Now he’s depressed and goes back and forth between wanting to be with me and asking me what it was like to be sleeping with someone else. I’ve told him I love him, and I really do, but he can’t seem to get over it and, even though I’m the guilty party, I lose patience and feel even worse. My goal is to get him to see I love him, because I really don’t want to lose my marriage.
As the old saying goes, everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die, and that’s especially true for most people who consider infidelity; everybody wants excitement, but nobody wants to kill their marriage.
Now that you’ve discovered that love alone won’t undo the hurt and stop him from agonizing for some time to come, it’s a good time to consider why he, and you, should stay married, apart from the sincerity of your feelings, given the fact that, at least for a moment, you’re capable of fucking up.
In other words, now that you’ve attempted to murder your marriage, is it worth saving or just pulling the plug. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 23, 2013
Usually, we hear about the kind of Assholes™ that provoke deep fear and hatred, but, for reasons unknown, they often bind others to them with equally intense love. What can free you from this bond(age), over time, is not your ability to get even, get closure, or get your feelings out, but to keep yourself moving towards what you think is right until you finally have a life that is open to good people. As we always say, when there’s an Asshole™ in your life, expect a world of shit—but not one you have to live in forever.
–Dr. Lastname
I had been married for almost thirty years and over two years ago divorced my husband. The marriage had been physically and emotionally abusive. I have never been able to talk to my husband about the way I feel because I never knew what reaction I would get. All major decisions were made by him because he knew what was best. Early on in our marriage we bought a house but were evicted because of non-payment of mortgage. I had no idea what was going on but suspected that we were in financial trouble. It seems my husband wanted a particular lifestyle but didn’t have the money to sustain it. I work full-time and I felt I was playing a part in funding said new lifestyle. I watched him isolate me from this aspect of his life. There were many times I came home from work and barely a word was spoken between us. I resented it hugely and still do. We continued plodding along and every day we both grew unhappier. After a while I found out he was seeing another woman– he insisted they were friends, but he had to leave the marital home anyway because we were fighting and he was forced to leave by the police. Since the divorce there has been sporadic contact, more so this past year. On occasion I have gone out for a drink with him, but I cannot understand why I do this. Quite recently we went for a trip together, but when we got back he didn’t contact me for a month. I have a lot of anger and resentment towards him. How do I stop this destructive behavior? I hate to hurt people and I’m always trying to please others before myself. I don’t want to hurt my ex-husband, but I feel I can’t say no to him and I do actually feel sorry for him. I don’t love him because he has been an out and out pig towards me. I feel incredibly hurt by his behavior towards me. I am so confused.
Sadly, according to the laws of emotional gravity, some people with little self-regard are like satellites that can be trapped by a more emotionally massive person. Regardless of how badly or unfairly they’re treated or how angry they feel, they can’t imagine disagreeing confidently or walking away and out of their pull.
Like children with abusive parents (which many of them were), they don’t feel they have the authority or power to judge, declare their independence, or leave. The intense need of a child for a parent keeps them enslaved, angry, and bound. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 19, 2013
In the self-help-iverse, “limits” is often a dirty word, because we should all aspire to reach the loftiest heights or depths of intimacy. In reality, limits are crucial when setting both personal and interpersonal goals, but they’re especially vital when you’ve got a partly functional, mentally ill family member to take care of. In that situation, you will probably feel like doing anything to get him/her into treatment, including persuasion, confrontation, and threats of expulsion. In reality, your influence over the course of a mental illness is often, well, limited, treatment or no, and trying too hard to make it better can make it worse and drive you crazy. Instead of getting over-absorbed in efforts to help, get help yourself in figuring out the limits of what’s possible and respecting your other priorities, including safety, security, and the nurturing of others. Refusing to acknowledge limits is a lot easier/more damaging that learning to respect and use them to your advantage.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m married to a wonderful, unique individual, a free spirit who lived in a van for several years avoiding the world. After we married, we had a difficult couple of years, but then my work took off, and I got pregnant. My husband, already a night owl, turned into an irritable, stressed out insomniac who oscillates between manic episodes of ultra productivity, to sleeping for marathon amounts of time, missing appointments, being late for work, generally letting everyone down. He seems so resentful of me—everything I say he takes to the utmost extreme. We have been in talk therapy for three months, which has been pretty useless. The therapist has recommended my husband see a general doctor and a shrink about the insomnia. On a long road trip he started hallucinating and driving off the road. Sometimes he admits there’s a problem, other times he doesn’t. This morning, after another night of no sleeping, he screamed at me, collapsed on the floor and then crawled into the closet and passed out. I have asked him to leave our house until he seeks help, but he also refuses to leave. If I don’t pay the bills, he will be unable to. I reached out to his family and they keep saying it’s a marital tiff. He’s a wonderful man who is deeply troubled right now and in huge denial. I think he has some serious mental health issues which have been brought up by the huge responsibility of being a father which need addressing. How can I best help him?
You know that your husband’s dangerous behavior is out of his hands and in his mind. Unfortunately, there are lots of medical and mental health problems for which no one, including this mental health professional, has the answers, and this may be one of them.
The danger of trying to help him if it’s just not possible is that you’ll exhaust yourself and, worse yet, put yourself and your baby at risk from his symptoms. His illness may not be his fault, but that doesn’t make it your only responsibility, either. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 12, 2013
When anger is persistent in a relationship, it’s often impossible to clear the air and end hostilities, no matter how strong either party’s diplomatic skills are. Trying to air underlying grievances often makes them worse, so without heavy artillery or the help of the UN, your best bet is either to retreat, or, if you’re entrenched in the region, learn to live with anger while you decide, using your own standards, whether the benefits of a relationship are worth the pain. As long as you behave decently yourself, you have no reason or right to question your own value or waste time wondering what you did wrong. You do have every right, however, to go about your business and not let unfriendly fire lead to another endless war.
–Dr. Lastname
My wife and I are in our 50s and have two grown daughters that live with us in the suburbs. She drinks off and on and suffers from all the insidious side effects of alcoholism, as does our family. How can l give my wife the space she wants but “be there” too? She also suffers from PMDD and has been arrested and held for observation for reckless inappropriate behavior. She has caused physical injury to myself and her daughters. I’ve journaled on a calendar for the last two years, just good days or bad and two distinct cycles of behavior have emerged, one on a 28 day cycle that she’s aware of (still an asshole though), and the other on a 200 day cycle that’s horrendous and can last as long as 50 days or so. She doesn’t appear to have even the slightest awareness of how grossly inappropriate her bad temper and consequent actions are. Her need to punish and hurt, me in particular, is just bizarre. She becomes completely inconsiderate, disrespectful, obnoxious, and there is no approaching her during these episodes. I am isolated by the tantrums that occur if I reach out for help or comfort from friends or family. We can’t even speak to one another within our household or she feels ganged up on and, you guessed it, even more enraged. We can’t have people over, we can’t plan any activity or a vacation. She is completely unsympathetic to our agony and when (god forbid) we ask for a little mercy, her favorite response is “I don’t give a fuck!” Please help me.
When people feel torn apart by the nastiness of someone they love, they should always ask themselves whether their goal is to change the person who’s mean to them or change themselves. Since the former is dangerous, painful, and altogether impossible, the choice becomes clear.
Whether her problem is mood swings, alcohol, a bad attitude, or all of above and more, doesn’t matter; you and others have tried hard to change your wife and it’s clearly not going to work. So talking about her problem with anyone else, including me, a friend, or some other shrink, is the wrong thing to do. She says she doesn’t “give a fuck,” and in the meantime, you fruitlessly give all the fucks in the world. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 9, 2013
As any parent or even casual viewer of Teen Mom can tell you, babies are very demanding creatures, and with everything they need from parents, it’s sometimes hard for parents to figure out what they need—and deserve—from each other in order to work together. Whether a co-parent’s actions leave you feeling neglected or his words make you feel you’re to blame, it’s time to take a deep breath, put the baby in something bouncy, and use your own standards of partnership to judge whether your performance is good enough for you to be proud of, and whether his or hers is worth living with. Then, keeping negative feelings off the table, discuss the changes that you think would be better for everyone, assuming they involve behavior and not personality. Leave the raw emotion to the baby, because it’s not about your needs, but your family’s.
–Dr. Lastname
I am the stay-at-home-mom of a toddler. I live with my husband and our child in a highly competitive urban area. My husband has been the breadwinner by far since we moved to this city; I am staying at home with our baby rather than working to pay for childcare. To earn his paycheck, my husband works from early in the morning to late at night every weekday. If I am lucky, I see him for a half-hour each night; if our child is lucky, he sees dad for 10 minutes each morning. I am frankly amazed that this limited time with his family doesn’t bother my husband, but I have asked him many times, and he is fine with his schedule. We do not need him to earn as much as he does in order to get by, but he has set a goal for himself to work hard and retire young. As a result, that is the pace he has set for the rest of us. I am beyond fed up with the selfishness of that decision. I am worn out, lonely, and concerned that our child will not know his father. Furthermore, since we don’t talk, our marital relationship is starting to suffer. He doesn’t seem to notice. What can I do to get my husband to slow down and to see how his choices are impacting the rest of us?
Resentment, like revenge, self-pity, and labiaplasty, is one of those things that, no matter how entitled you feel to partake in it, is ultimately pointless and best avoided.
Even though you can’t help feeling worn out, lonely, and worried about your workaholic husband’s schedule, resentment is your worst enemy when it comes to developing and pushing constructive options. Now that you’ve let him know how you feel and he hasn’t responded, you’re doubly pissed, which makes it even more crucial that you stop that cycle now before it goes further. From this point on, the goal is to be constructive, not cathartic. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 26, 2013
Dealing with a loved one who is fucking up his life or with his family who are the captive victims of his behavior is a lot like being held hostage and being your own hostage negotiator; it’s hard not to become both helpless and emotionally pushy. If you are careful to remember what you don’t control, however, you can give good, strong advice without feeling guilty about not doing enough or causing conflict by voicing blame. You may first need to get coaching from experts, particularly those who’ve been through the process themselves, before you can negotiate well, but, once you’ve picked up the skill, you’ll be as helpful as possible. You can certainly free yourself, and you might do much to help your captor, as well.
–Dr. Lastname
My 30-year-old daughter got married late last year to the father of her baby and they bought a house, have jobs and seemed to be doing well. I was concerned about the brevity of his previous marriage, his jealousy, his attitude to money and a niggling voice in my head, but I tried to be positive and support her choice. I put her unhappiness down to post natal depression until she admitted that he has huge debts, is a liar and a bully, and she suspects be is having an affair. He has spent all her money so she can’t afford a lawyer. Now his mother is getting involved—she covers up for him and called his last wife “evil,” but we have discovered that her experience was similar and that he has a long trail of debt, infidelity and general chaos. I am willing to give my daughter and grandchild a home but am going through my own divorce so it’s tough. My soon-to-be ex is worried but subject to the demands of his new partner so most of it falls on me, and we’ve already lent them money. How do I give support without taking over when my daughter seems overwhelmed and doesn’t take my advice?
Unfortunately, your daughter suffers from a very specific colorblindness—the kind that impairs the ability to see red flags—and now she feels very stuck in a situation that only she could not see coming.
Even as you swoop in to guide her through the aftermath, that doesn’t have to mean that you’re taking control of her life, though her dependence on your resources means you’ll have a strong influence. You can be a good teacher and firm manager and also respect her independence and choices; she’s not totally blind, so your guidance need not be absolute. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 22, 2013
Mental illness has many traits that physical illnesses don’t, and sadly, one of those is shame; that’s why, when dealing with mental illness, in yourself or others, it’s easy to pay more attention to stigma than chronic dysfunction. Stigma is the shame you feel about losing control, spending time in a weird mental state, and not being able to trust your judgment, while chronic dysfunction is the inability to do what you really need to in order to pursue what you felt was important before getting sick. In either case, what matters most is not whether you’re embarrassed or dysfunctional, but how well you respect yourself for dealing with whatever bad feelings, behaviors, or disabilities remain with you after you’ve made your best effort to recover. Mental illness is not easy to treat, but the shame that comes with it is easier to avoid than you think.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband isn’t happy with me, and I can’t say I blame him. I’m bipolar, and before we married, there were times when my mood swings made me a manic, exciting, sexy girl. Now it’s 10 years later, and I take medication so I never get manic. I do my job, hold up my end of the conversation, and act like a responsible person, but the chemistry between us isn’t as fun or exciting as it was in the old days, and I know it’s hard on him. I feel our marriage hasn’t recovered and it’s a burden for both of us. I wonder if it’s a mistake to stay married.
If your idea of your marriage contract requires you to stay exciting and interesting, then it’s like a TV show that depends on its ratings, and eventually, no matter how many cute kids you add, murder trials you withstand, or sharks you jump in water skis, ratings will inevitably decline.
If that’s how you see your marriage contract, I wonder if your husband is also obliged to stay attractive, interesting, and exciting, lest you find a better replacement to play his role.
What I suspect, however, is that what you both offer and expect in your partnership is more important than excitement, and includes being reliable, caring, and doing your share. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 19, 2013
It’s easy to know and describe what it’s like to be physically out of sorts—usually, Nyquil or a triage kit are in order—but when you’re losing it mentally, things get a lot more complicated. In some cases, it’s uncomfortable and can’t go away soon enough, while for others, it’s great and not something they even see as a problem. Good or bad, however, it’s easier to identify and understand, at least to the person experiencing it, if you remind yourself that a state of mind is only a state of mind. So whether or not you can change it, or believe it’s worth changing, it’s always worth remembering that there are more important things. Your job is to make the most of your state of mind, even if you can never fully make sense of it, without letting your brain run your life (and body) off the rails.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know how to begin…It’s really strange because I’ve never felt like talking to a psychiatrist, but now that I’m trying to, I realize how much I may need one. I’ve been trying to find one of my, of what I realize now, many fucked up aspects to talk about. Why do we bottle things up? Why do we make the bad things the deepest parts of our lives? Happy moments are like listening to the Beatles, short and like being on acid or running through a meadow…or both. But melancholy sits inside like Joni Mitchell or Jeff Buckley, if you let it. I guess my point is that I am terrified that I am going to have Virginia Woolf or Sylvia Plath’s life. Almost everyone in my family has mental issues. My brother tried to kill himself this year, my grandparents are the lovable nut-bags, my father had anger issues during my childhood… and I got the diagnosis from my doctor this year that I am depressive with bipolar tendencies. It’s terrifying to get a name for the way you are. I have so many. I wish it was duchess sunshine awesome, but you know… I guess what I came here for was to say that I don’t know how to express my emotions, should I bottle them up? Or should I just let myself go? My goal is to be a little clearer.
We don’t have the power to diagnose people over the internet, but when we get letters from people fretting over psychiatric diagnoses we usually feel comfortable diagnosing those diagnoses.
So, assuming you do have the familial tendency to be depressed, have mood swings, and, presumably, be creative, you don’t have to have a fucked-up life, nor do you have to stifle your creativity.
What you will have to do, however, is work at keeping your perspective when you’re hurting with depression and everything seems to suck while not letting your diagnosis frighten or shock you. After all, a doctor has merely put a label on what was always there, meaning you now know there are techniques that can help you deal with what’s been ailing you. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
