Posted by fxckfeelings on October 3, 2013
Whenever the topic of healthy relationships comes up, you’ll inevitably hear about compromise, balance, putting your socks in the hamper and not somewhere on the ground near the hamper, etc. Unfortunately, emphasis is rarely put on the importance of maintaining your own autonomy and remembering not to put your partner’s feelings and judgments ahead of your own. Any strong bond can suck you in—love, sex, and/or fear can do it—and if you’re too far gone, you don’t see your own options, just the way your overly significant other would feel. If you feel trapped then, don’t believe it. You will always find you have more choices than you think if you can create a little breathing room, remember who you are, and think for (and thoughtfully clean up after) yourself.
–Dr. Lastname
My friend has been in a potentially harmful relationship for a long time. I won’t go into details, but the people around her and especially herself could get hurt because there is illegality involved. Somehow, my friend is completely oblivious to the dangers and sheer shady and depraved aspects of it. The two met and started a relationship over text, and that’s how they mainly communicate because he lives in another state. They meet every few months and shack up in a hotel for a weekend in secret. I’ve been conflicted between being her friend and trying to protect her. I feel like I can’t protect her, because she’ll do what she wants, but I tell her I worry about her and when I do, I feel like an asshole. She thinks that when I tell her I worry about her, I’m judging her, and when she thinks that, she lies to me. It’s confusing because I don’t know how to be the “everything’s fine, fuck the law” type because I know it’s wrong and not just because it’s against the law. I just don’t know what to think or do or feel about it at all.
Sometimes you can’t help worrying about someone else’s danger, but expressing your worry can often trigger more risk-taking, probably because you’re making someone else responsible for your feelings, just as you’re taking responsibility for theirs. In other words, when you feel worry, she gets it in her head she doesn’t have to.
So accept the fact that you’re worried for good reason, but shut up about it. Instead, express your concern in a way that’s positive, unemotional, and focused on your friend’s self-management. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 30, 2013
Sometimes being overly-sensitive makes it hard to be centered and confident, and sometimes being insensitive makes it easy to be a brash, heartless jerk. If you happen to have the gift of sensitivity, don’t try to change yourself because it doesn’t bring you peace or happiness, or if you care about someone who doesn’t care about being careless, don’t try to change them into someone who does. Instead, work hard to consult your own values and learn how to manage a gift that often comes with a painful cost. Sadly, being good often makes you feel bad.
–Dr. Lastname
My brother never doubts himself and always thinks he’s right, even when he isn’t, and doesn’t care much if people are angry with him—usually, he doesn’t notice. That make him sound like a jerk, but really, I envy him, because I’m always quick to apologize, even when I haven’t done anything wrong, because I doubt myself. I also obsess about whether somebody hates me, and what I’ve done to deserve it, because I can’t shake the feeling that everything bad that happens is my fault. My goal is to figure out how to have his kind of confidence.
Watch out what you wish for, given that you see that your brother’s comfort with himself results from an insensitivity to the feelings of others, which is a major symptom of being a minor schmuck.
Yes, it would be nice if you suffered less from second-guessing, but self-doubt also makes you more tuned in to relationships, so you’re better able to judge and correct yourself if you do something wrong. If your brother doesn’t notice when people around him are mad, he’s also probably oblivious to the fact that he may have done something wrong (and it reads as schmuckish). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 19, 2013
In the self-help-iverse, “limits” is often a dirty word, because we should all aspire to reach the loftiest heights or depths of intimacy. In reality, limits are crucial when setting both personal and interpersonal goals, but they’re especially vital when you’ve got a partly functional, mentally ill family member to take care of. In that situation, you will probably feel like doing anything to get him/her into treatment, including persuasion, confrontation, and threats of expulsion. In reality, your influence over the course of a mental illness is often, well, limited, treatment or no, and trying too hard to make it better can make it worse and drive you crazy. Instead of getting over-absorbed in efforts to help, get help yourself in figuring out the limits of what’s possible and respecting your other priorities, including safety, security, and the nurturing of others. Refusing to acknowledge limits is a lot easier/more damaging that learning to respect and use them to your advantage.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m married to a wonderful, unique individual, a free spirit who lived in a van for several years avoiding the world. After we married, we had a difficult couple of years, but then my work took off, and I got pregnant. My husband, already a night owl, turned into an irritable, stressed out insomniac who oscillates between manic episodes of ultra productivity, to sleeping for marathon amounts of time, missing appointments, being late for work, generally letting everyone down. He seems so resentful of me—everything I say he takes to the utmost extreme. We have been in talk therapy for three months, which has been pretty useless. The therapist has recommended my husband see a general doctor and a shrink about the insomnia. On a long road trip he started hallucinating and driving off the road. Sometimes he admits there’s a problem, other times he doesn’t. This morning, after another night of no sleeping, he screamed at me, collapsed on the floor and then crawled into the closet and passed out. I have asked him to leave our house until he seeks help, but he also refuses to leave. If I don’t pay the bills, he will be unable to. I reached out to his family and they keep saying it’s a marital tiff. He’s a wonderful man who is deeply troubled right now and in huge denial. I think he has some serious mental health issues which have been brought up by the huge responsibility of being a father which need addressing. How can I best help him?
You know that your husband’s dangerous behavior is out of his hands and in his mind. Unfortunately, there are lots of medical and mental health problems for which no one, including this mental health professional, has the answers, and this may be one of them.
The danger of trying to help him if it’s just not possible is that you’ll exhaust yourself and, worse yet, put yourself and your baby at risk from his symptoms. His illness may not be his fault, but that doesn’t make it your only responsibility, either. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 9, 2013
As any parent or even casual viewer of Teen Mom can tell you, babies are very demanding creatures, and with everything they need from parents, it’s sometimes hard for parents to figure out what they need—and deserve—from each other in order to work together. Whether a co-parent’s actions leave you feeling neglected or his words make you feel you’re to blame, it’s time to take a deep breath, put the baby in something bouncy, and use your own standards of partnership to judge whether your performance is good enough for you to be proud of, and whether his or hers is worth living with. Then, keeping negative feelings off the table, discuss the changes that you think would be better for everyone, assuming they involve behavior and not personality. Leave the raw emotion to the baby, because it’s not about your needs, but your family’s.
–Dr. Lastname
I am the stay-at-home-mom of a toddler. I live with my husband and our child in a highly competitive urban area. My husband has been the breadwinner by far since we moved to this city; I am staying at home with our baby rather than working to pay for childcare. To earn his paycheck, my husband works from early in the morning to late at night every weekday. If I am lucky, I see him for a half-hour each night; if our child is lucky, he sees dad for 10 minutes each morning. I am frankly amazed that this limited time with his family doesn’t bother my husband, but I have asked him many times, and he is fine with his schedule. We do not need him to earn as much as he does in order to get by, but he has set a goal for himself to work hard and retire young. As a result, that is the pace he has set for the rest of us. I am beyond fed up with the selfishness of that decision. I am worn out, lonely, and concerned that our child will not know his father. Furthermore, since we don’t talk, our marital relationship is starting to suffer. He doesn’t seem to notice. What can I do to get my husband to slow down and to see how his choices are impacting the rest of us?
Resentment, like revenge, self-pity, and labiaplasty, is one of those things that, no matter how entitled you feel to partake in it, is ultimately pointless and best avoided.
Even though you can’t help feeling worn out, lonely, and worried about your workaholic husband’s schedule, resentment is your worst enemy when it comes to developing and pushing constructive options. Now that you’ve let him know how you feel and he hasn’t responded, you’re doubly pissed, which makes it even more crucial that you stop that cycle now before it goes further. From this point on, the goal is to be constructive, not cathartic. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 29, 2013
Whether you believe in a particular psychotherapy or find the very prospect of head-shrinkery scary, don’t let the emotions that draw you towards or away from the therapist’s couch drive your treatment decisions. Develop your own fact-based procedures for deciding whether you’re fucked-up enough to need therapy and, if so, whether there’s a treatment that isn’t too risky and has a good enough track record. Maybe we’d all like the experts to figure that out and make such decisions for us, but we’re better off picking the brains of experts and then making treatment decisions, pro or con, for ourselves.
–Dr. Lastname
Please note: We’re taking next week off for a long-deserved summer vacation, but look forward to hearing about your back-to-school/work misery when we return.
How long is too long to be in therapy? I have been in therapy for four years now, and it has helped enormously. I went into therapy initially because of a trauma situation, but I don’t want to stop, even though I’ve long worked through that trauma, because I still think I can benefit. Still, now that I reached the four-year mark, I’m wondering, how long is too long?
If you’ve read this blog, you’re probably aware of our belief that the most important goal of mental health treatment is seldom to relieve all your pain; that’s usually an impossible pursuit, or one that just shifts the pain from your head to your wallet and your friends, who are sick of hearing about what you learned in therapy.
The better goal of therapy is to use it to figure out how to prevent that pain from interfering with the way you think about, and lead, your life, and lucky for you (and us), your question reflects this healthy priority. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 26, 2013
Dealing with a loved one who is fucking up his life or with his family who are the captive victims of his behavior is a lot like being held hostage and being your own hostage negotiator; it’s hard not to become both helpless and emotionally pushy. If you are careful to remember what you don’t control, however, you can give good, strong advice without feeling guilty about not doing enough or causing conflict by voicing blame. You may first need to get coaching from experts, particularly those who’ve been through the process themselves, before you can negotiate well, but, once you’ve picked up the skill, you’ll be as helpful as possible. You can certainly free yourself, and you might do much to help your captor, as well.
–Dr. Lastname
My 30-year-old daughter got married late last year to the father of her baby and they bought a house, have jobs and seemed to be doing well. I was concerned about the brevity of his previous marriage, his jealousy, his attitude to money and a niggling voice in my head, but I tried to be positive and support her choice. I put her unhappiness down to post natal depression until she admitted that he has huge debts, is a liar and a bully, and she suspects be is having an affair. He has spent all her money so she can’t afford a lawyer. Now his mother is getting involved—she covers up for him and called his last wife “evil,” but we have discovered that her experience was similar and that he has a long trail of debt, infidelity and general chaos. I am willing to give my daughter and grandchild a home but am going through my own divorce so it’s tough. My soon-to-be ex is worried but subject to the demands of his new partner so most of it falls on me, and we’ve already lent them money. How do I give support without taking over when my daughter seems overwhelmed and doesn’t take my advice?
Unfortunately, your daughter suffers from a very specific colorblindness—the kind that impairs the ability to see red flags—and now she feels very stuck in a situation that only she could not see coming.
Even as you swoop in to guide her through the aftermath, that doesn’t have to mean that you’re taking control of her life, though her dependence on your resources means you’ll have a strong influence. You can be a good teacher and firm manager and also respect her independence and choices; she’s not totally blind, so your guidance need not be absolute. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 19, 2013
It’s easy to know and describe what it’s like to be physically out of sorts—usually, Nyquil or a triage kit are in order—but when you’re losing it mentally, things get a lot more complicated. In some cases, it’s uncomfortable and can’t go away soon enough, while for others, it’s great and not something they even see as a problem. Good or bad, however, it’s easier to identify and understand, at least to the person experiencing it, if you remind yourself that a state of mind is only a state of mind. So whether or not you can change it, or believe it’s worth changing, it’s always worth remembering that there are more important things. Your job is to make the most of your state of mind, even if you can never fully make sense of it, without letting your brain run your life (and body) off the rails.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know how to begin…It’s really strange because I’ve never felt like talking to a psychiatrist, but now that I’m trying to, I realize how much I may need one. I’ve been trying to find one of my, of what I realize now, many fucked up aspects to talk about. Why do we bottle things up? Why do we make the bad things the deepest parts of our lives? Happy moments are like listening to the Beatles, short and like being on acid or running through a meadow…or both. But melancholy sits inside like Joni Mitchell or Jeff Buckley, if you let it. I guess my point is that I am terrified that I am going to have Virginia Woolf or Sylvia Plath’s life. Almost everyone in my family has mental issues. My brother tried to kill himself this year, my grandparents are the lovable nut-bags, my father had anger issues during my childhood… and I got the diagnosis from my doctor this year that I am depressive with bipolar tendencies. It’s terrifying to get a name for the way you are. I have so many. I wish it was duchess sunshine awesome, but you know… I guess what I came here for was to say that I don’t know how to express my emotions, should I bottle them up? Or should I just let myself go? My goal is to be a little clearer.
We don’t have the power to diagnose people over the internet, but when we get letters from people fretting over psychiatric diagnoses we usually feel comfortable diagnosing those diagnoses.
So, assuming you do have the familial tendency to be depressed, have mood swings, and, presumably, be creative, you don’t have to have a fucked-up life, nor do you have to stifle your creativity.
What you will have to do, however, is work at keeping your perspective when you’re hurting with depression and everything seems to suck while not letting your diagnosis frighten or shock you. After all, a doctor has merely put a label on what was always there, meaning you now know there are techniques that can help you deal with what’s been ailing you. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 8, 2013
In family disputes, the nuclear option isn’t sending a child to his room or your spouse to the sofa, it’s breaking a tense silence and dropping an angry “I told you so.” How four little words can express so much contempt, rage, and blame is a true linguistic mystery, but as phrases go, it can be a weapon of mass destruction. Instead of doing major damage by adopting the language and tactics of your enemy, choose silence, which empowers you to define positive goals and express them when your rage is under control. Then, when and if you do say “I told you so,” the words are disarmed; it’s your vision that wins and no one need feel humiliated or defeated.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve decided to leave my wife because I’m tired of always carrying the ball and cleaning up after her messes, which are frequent and horrendous, because she never seems to follow through on paying a bill or responding to mail and always pretends that there’s no problem. That means she’s the one who seems calm and says everything’s fine, and I’m the one who’s spitting mad at the late fees and legal problems she’s created, which makes my kids think I’m the bad guy. I can’t think of a thing I can tell them without expressing my rage at their mother, which just pushes them further away. Now they think she’s a marshmallow and, when she doesn’t keep her commitments, they’re sorry for her for being depressed. I think of her as a malignant marshmallow, but my silence leaves me undefended and I can’t say “I told you so” without making her look like a victim. My goal is to think of some way to break out of this prison of silence.
Being too angry to speak is like being too full to eat or too tired to move; it’s your body putting the breaks on, pulling out all the stops to save your ass.
Just as it’s better to put your fork down instead of inhale pasta ’til you puke or try to ignore your sleepiness and get behind the wheel, it’s often better to be struck dumb than to find a way to express yourself and explode your family.
You’re probably right to be afraid of the bad effect your words would have on your kids, even if your silence does little to defend you from looking like the baddie. Don’t despair, however, of finding something constructive to say. Just let your anger cool and compose yourself before beginning your composition. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 11, 2013
While “crisis management” is fairly well-known (at least if you’re Paula Deen), we see our field as pre-crisis management, because, more often than not, it’s easier to predict a personal disaster than a natural one. Sometimes people enter into a perfectly predictable crisis because acknowledging the warning signs would ruin the romance, and other times they see the signs but keep on going anyway because planning ahead takes too much work and maybe involves math. In either case, as long as you don’t blame yourself too much and accept the fact that caution will often force you to stop when you’d really like to go forward, there’s nothing that can stop you from learning, doing better, and managing yourself before a crisis can take hold.
–Dr. Lastname
I recently relocated to a new state for better opportunities and to salvage my marriage. In the midst of everything I grew extremely fond of a co-worker and eventually fell in love, and during my new relationship, my husband moved out and we separated. Shortly after, the other man explained that his ex kept contacting him saying she was pregnant and that it could be his (they broke up three months before we met). She is married as well so she wasn’t sure who the father was. Anyway, the baby was born a few weeks ago and paternity has been established that it is his. Since he found out it is his we see each other less and less. He explains that he doesn’t want to be with her and loves me, but to see the baby, I can’t be around. I believe that if he truly loved me he would go about this the legal way, set up visitation and we can resume our relationship. I love him a great deal, but really don’t know how to handle this situation. All of my friends say jump ship and that it’s nothing but drama, I am having a hard time doing so. I really need some no nonsense, direct and honest advice.
When you fall in love with someone, you’re often eager to accept their explanations for the odd decisions they’ve made in their lives; money can’t buy love, but love can afford you a lot of forgiveness. Especially when you’ve made some odd decisions yourself.
Now that the honeymoon (and divorce, and new honeymoon) is over, it’s time you reviewed the facts, dug up more if possible, and asked yourself whether your boyfriend has ever managed commitment before, particularly when he had to do a little multitasking at the same time. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 20, 2013
In a just world, correcting injustice would have no unintended consequences, good people would always know how to do the right thing, and I’d be so hard up for patients that I’d have to become a podiatrist. Unfortunately, in this world, there are Assholes™, and the fight for justice isn’t just riddled with them, but may force you to align with one or be mistaken for one in the process. Don’t let them and your passion for justice distract you from checking out the moral pros and cons of what happens next. In seeking justice, you should ideally experience the joy of straightening out the world. More often, you will bear the pain of tolerating unjust crap for the sake of good values, the knowledge that you’re preventing things from getting worse, and that, in doing so, you’ve confirmed your non-Asshole™ status.
–Dr. Lastname
Our church administrator made some dumb decisions that wasted money and favored her friends, and the church would be better off if she were eased out of her job, but there’s one member of our church who is so obnoxious and unreasonable in the way he attacks her mistakes that I don’t want to have anything to do with him. He has brought a lawsuit against the church that could hurt all of us and sees any offer of compromise as an effort to deceive him. I think he’s paranoid, but meanwhile I’m paralyzed because, even if I agree with his basic point, I don’t know how to move ahead without encouraging him and joining with a person I despise. My goal is save our church from bad management without having to encourage, or be seen as encouraging, an obnoxious, crazy jerk.
The enemy of your enemy may be your friend, but the enemy of the entire world is still a toxic Asshole™ you naturally want to avoid at all costs, even if you share a common goal.
Since your goal seems unselfish and idealistic, it’s especially painful to have it hijacked by the one person who can drive everyone else away. The more personal his attacks, the more support he’ll create for the administrator who needs to be fired. Even if you’re on the right side of things, the Asshole™ being on that side makes it wrong.
Ignoring how annoyed you are with both the Asshole™ and the accused administrator, add up the benefits and risks of firing her. Unless her actions make it unavoidable, you don’t want to stir up a fight in the congregation. Some people might say that church should be a place of greater purity and moral rectitude and its employees held to a higher standard, but that notion starts religious wars (and contradicts the actions of the Vatican). Yes, there are some crimes that are intolerable, but in most cases you’re more interested in pursuing acceptance and mutual respect, even if that means accepting some impropriety and administrative inefficiency.
If you decide that action is necessary, remember that backroom politics were invented to help people get things done when a horribly obnoxious loudmouth makes it impossible to have a meaningful public discussion. We now understand that many such people can’t help themselves; they have strong opinions about how other people should behave and no awareness of their motivations or reactions, particularly to their own demeaning statements.
You may have to put lots of work into circulating your opinion outside a general meeting, gathering a majority, and agreeing on a course of action, but it beats the alternative. Consider it to be both a test of your resolve and an Asshole™ shield. Having avoided taking part in a public, personal attack, do what you can to cushion the blow of her firing and avoid humiliating her or her supporters by paying respect to her contributions and showing no personal dislike, regardless of your deeper feelings.
Unlike your would-be ally, you aren’t trying to root out evil and punish corruption, just to clean up an unfortunate mess while showing respect for those who disagree with you and preserving a community of relationships that are more important than any one political issue.
With some careful maneuvering, you can be on the same side of the Asshole™ without getting shit on in the process.
STATEMENT:
“I’m annoyed by the mistakes of my church administrator and infuriated by the tone of the attacks that have been made on her. I will do nothing about this problem, however, unless I think it’s necessary, and then do all I can, behind the scenes, to avoid public humiliation and build a consensus that does not insult those who disagree with it.”
I know I did the right thing when I filed a job discrimination suit against my boss, who’s notorious for making sexist put-downs and treating women as if we’re sluts and objects, but since I did it, everyone at work has become strangely silent. I know other women there who share my disgust for him, but management has been ordered by company lawyers to treat me very, very carefully and no one at work wants to be seen as siding with me or they’ll become pariahs too. Everyone is nice but distant and their polite distance is making me feel totally isolated. I can’t quit without jeopardizing my suit, but staying has got me really depressed. My goal is to stand up against something I know is wrong without driving myself crazy.
I hope your lawyer warned you that, though your anti-discrimination lawsuit might eventually bring you a dose of deserved justice, it would almost certainly first bring you an added dollop of unjust pain. That’s the way things work when you’re not on TV and don’t get instant access to justice, or even Judge Judy.
The better your case, the quicker the company lawyers will order your bosses to clean up their act and create tons of written evidence showing that they’re polite, professional, and caring while they watch for a legitimate reason to put you on probation and, after sincere attempts to improve your performance, regretfully terminate your ass. That’s standard operating procedures and it sucks for everyone, particularly you.
If your job was becoming unbearable, your suit may nevertheless be worth it. Feeling angry and humiliated may not, on its own, be worth suing for, but a suit may well be worthwhile if you can’t stand working there anymore, know you have a good case, and are ready to leave. Even then, once you sue you many need to persuade future employers that you don’t have a chip on your shoulder about administration. If your boss is a true pig, however, then it’s probably less of a chip and more of a cross that you’d bear with pride.
Now that the lawsuit is underway, the important thing to remind yourself is that nothing about work relationships is personal, even though it feels that way, and that you need as much support as possible outside of work because personal relationships at work will be a desert.
Also, you need an exit strategy; lawsuits destroy relationships and make it almost impossible to work together, so don’t force yourself to stay at work to prove to colleagues that you’re right and that they can’t get to you. Work is about making a living without going crazy, not making a point about pride.
So collect your strength, write off your old job, and focus on your next move. As long as you’re there, do a decent day’s work so that you’ll know you don’t deserve the criticism you will probably get, but don’t let making a decent effort get in the way of your job search.
Unjust criticism shouldn’t change your opinion about the value of your work, your lack of respect for your boss, or your determination to look for something better. It should instead strengthen your resolve until justice, or better, Judge Judy, finally arrives.
STATEMENT:
“The first victim of my lawsuit, in terms of feeling punished, is me, but I expected that to happen. I won’t let shunning or unjust criticism change my values, my willingness to work hard, or my effort to find a square deal at my next place of employment.”
