Posted by fxckfeelings on April 15, 2010
While Shut Up! Week began with us doing the up-shutting, it concludes with the more fun exercise of instructing others when they can utilize their own “shut up!” skills. After all, a friend might want to help you, or you might want to help a friend yourself, but sometimes the best thing you can do to help someone is get them to keep their mouth closed. And with that, Shut Up! week shuts down.
–Dr. Lastname
For years, I’ve talked to a friend of mine about my problems who’s also a counselor, and during that time, he’s urged me to seek professional help. I used to brush off that advice, mostly because this friend lives in another city and only ever really talks to me on the phone when I have problems, but in the last few months, I’ve begun to consider taking his advice. I don’t know what to say when I call to make the appointment, however, because I haven’t the faintest how to explain the unknown in my head (which is the main issue that frustrates me). I want to scream, but don’t know why or what. Do you have any advice as far as how to ask for help when I’m not sure what I’m really asking help for?
Remember, funny feelings in your head cause fear, which causes funny feelings, which cause fear, which create a spiral that will flush you down the toilet of needless worry. The first thing to do then is shut up and think about whether you need help.
If you’ve had funny feelings in your head for years, they’re not about to kill you; they’re not telling you to kill yourself or anyone else, and they’re not annoying you to death. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 8, 2010
Many jobs, especially those involving leadership or sales, depend on making a good impression with the public. The risk is becoming so focused on public reaction that you end up like Ed Koch, asking “How’m I doin?” with such frequency that you lose track of exactly what you’re supposed to do (aside from getting people to curb their dogs). Most public jobs, however, involve lots of duties that only make an impression when done very poorly, so success can’t be defined by accolades, and you’re the only one who knows best. It’s up to you to be your own best judge before you end up so hungry for approval that you get stuck in deep dog shit.
–Dr. Lastname
As rabbi of a medium-sized temple for 10 years, I’ve enjoyed a good relationship with my congregation and I love the work. My problem is that I rely on the temple Board to decide whether I get a raise, and, during the last recession, there wasn’t one because everyone felt too poor to pay more dues. When, recently, I began looking at what rabbis of comparable congregations are making, however, I found that my salary is well below the mean, so I’ve been wondering how to become more active without appearing to be greedy, selfish or unresponsive to the problems of the congregation. One way that occurred to me was to do a “360 degree review” and ask everyone to give me feedback on how I’m doing, including the congregation, the board, and people who work for me. My goal is to get a high approval rating and use that to get a raise.
Unlike the woman earlier this week who was too afraid to rock the boat by asking for a raise (until anger made her want to torpedo the ship), you’re inhibited by guilt, empathy, and that certain Jewish ne sais quoi.
Still, no matter how tempting it is, don’t ask the congregation to clap if they think the rabbi deserves a raise. You’re a scholar and a leader, not Tinkerbell.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 5, 2010
Despite all that Hillary, Michelle, and Jóhanna have done to break glass ceilings for women (the latter being the first female Prime Minister of Iceland, no small shakes), we still get letters from ladies with workplace issues caused not by performance, but by gender. Ironically, our answers are far more gender-neutral; workplace disagreements should always be professional and unemotional, whether you’re a man or a woman, or in or outside of the Arctic Circle.
–Dr. Lastname
My boss has never really been supportive of my work, but we get along well, and it’s partly because I haven’t asked for a raise in over 20 years. Recently, however, he began to give me a hard time about leaving early, and it’s really pissed me off because I work a lot at home on the computer (my husband and I have trouble getting reliable after-school childcare) and I take pride in working hard. (It’s particularly unfair and infuriating because I’ve had an unusually good year and everyone, including my boss’s boss, the big boss, knows it and I was even thinking now, finally, I would get a raise. Certainly not a reprimand. I’m reaching my breaking point here, because it’s one thing to work your ass off for poor pay because you like the work and the people on your team, but another to be bullied over nothing on top of that. I’m meeting with the big boss tomorrow and my goal is to get the credit I deserve and maybe give him a piece of my mind.
Reassuring women about their feelings instead of giving them a raise is something guys have done to girls (and communication-sensitive people of all genders) since the glass ceiling was made out of quills.
This is not to say that men are entirely at fault; women make it easy for guys to do this by bringing up their feelings as a reason/using them to push for a raise, instead of letting facts and economics do the pushing for them.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 29, 2010
For our 100th post, we address a problem that causes loads of people useless worry, and that is…useless worry. Just because horrible things may happen to you or someone you love (or because of someone you love), life shouldn’t end. Prepare yourself the best you can for whatever trouble you think you see coming, and then continue your regularly scheduled, useful life.
–Dr. Lastname
Living with my mentally ill 30-year-old daughter is wearing me out. My wife and I can never leave her alone, but we also can’t take her with us because she gets uncomfortable when she’s around people she doesn’t know and says inappropriate things in a loud voice and has to get up and leave. The problem isn’t her, though, it’s my wife, who is so worried about what will happen if we put her in a half-way house with other sick people that she can’t think clearly about it. We’ve got some money, but if we paid for my daughter to have her own condo and a nurse to keep an eye on her, the money wouldn’t last long. Then again, if she continues to live with us, we won’t last long. My goal is to get my wife to see that we have to get her into a state-supported program, for her sake and ours.
You hope to get your wife to see that your mentally ill daughter needs to live independently, but if you were making any progress in that direction, you wouldn’t be writing.
Let’s assume then, at least for the moment, that your hopes are false and your wife can’t let go, and if she can’t let go, she’ll always be thinking of new ways to make your daughter feel more comfortable and better understood. Which makes your goal a more and more distant dream.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 11, 2010
Virtually all mammals resent being told what to do (don’t think your cat doesn’t understand you, he just doesn’t care what you think). Unfortunately, most of us with opposable thumbs have to earn a living and/or share a roof, which means learning to live with authority. You might not like your given overlord’s opinion, but, while both parents and bosses are often full of shit, your role remains the same; be respectful, mind your boundaries, and take their words just seriously enough so you don’t get fired. And, like any good, domesticated mammal, don’t pee on the floor.
–Dr. Lastname
My father’s always been a heavy drinker (if he is an alcoholic, he’s “high functioning”), but I love him, and I’ve always tried to make him proud. When he’s really sloshed, however, he tends to go on a lot about how much he loves my older brother, who’s a lawyer, and how impressed he is with him, and how great that brother is, and on and on until everyone else around him feels awkward (and any siblings that are around are pissed). It really gets under my skin, particularly when we’ve been matching one another drink for drink, but then I just feel guilty for being angry at my father when, after all, I’m a grown up who should be too old for this kind of thing, and, really, he’s a nice guy. My goal is to get myself to be less sensitive to the fact that I’m not Dad’s favorite.
There’s good news and bad news here; you’re right not to let fly with your resentment, but you’re wrong to expect your hurt feelings to go away.
If you’re a sensitive person, then you can’t stop the hurt, but you can stop it from hurting yourself or others. The trick is to shut your mouth, because, that way, you don’t let anger out, or alcohol in.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 8, 2010
In my practice, I give patients with ADD a special appointment option. Instead of their taking responsibility for keeping a regularly scheduled appointment (which means they’re obliged to pay full freight, with no insurance support, if they don’t show up), I encourage them to line up for a walk-in appointment which may keep them waiting longer, but won’t cost them a cent if they forget to come. It’s not that I discriminate, I’m just trying to make the best of things. That, to me, exemplifies the best way to deal with Attention Deficit Disorder, both for my patients and as a third party; keep your expectations reasonable, your appetite for shit bottomless, and your shrink understanding.
–Dr. Lastname
My roommate calls me the Ritalin vampire, because once my meds run out around 5, I become a different person (or really just a depressed, anxious mess). My mood drops so low so fast, and my nerves become so raw, that I have to drink just to get through the evening and get some sleep. It’s obviously driving my roommate crazy, but more than that, it’s messing up my life—I wake up hung-over, my boss is pissed, I feel sick all the time, so even when I’m not anxious and wired when I’m on my meds, I still feel like shit. My goal is to figure out how to get my ADD under control when the sun is down.
Most Ritalin users don’t have a terrible comedown with severe anxiety every time their meds wear off—what you have isn’t normal ADD, but ADD plus anxiety, plus, probably, alcohol dependence.
The medical term for your three-pronged disorder is a trifuckedta. Surprise, the prognosis ain’t so hot.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 25, 2010
One of the worst parts of looking for work, either when your self-employed or unemployed, is putting yourself out there and hustling for work; ex-drug dealers have written scores of hip-hop records about the subject, and the product they were pushing sells itself. It’s hard to network with employers or push clients to pay up, but you don’t have to feel good about it in order to do it. Just ask Jay-Z.
-Dr. Lastname
My partner and I are interior decorators (the ultimate gay cliché, I know), and while we love what we do, we also love getting paid. That’s why it’s rough when friends and family ask us to come take a look at a room or their whole house and give them advice, because what they’re really asking for us for is free services, and as much as we love those we love…well, we also love getting paid and being able to eat. The two of us have talked about how it makes us feel like our loved ones don’t appreciate what we do, or think so little of it that they figure they should get it for nada, but at the same time neither one of us has the heart to turn anyone down and we’re afraid that if we charge them for what we do, they’ll feel hurt and insulted. My shrink says I don’t value my work highly enough because I have a problem with self-esteem. My goal—our goal—is to figure out a way to get enough self-esteem to persuade our friends, and ourselves, that they should pay us for our work.
If it were necessary to improve your self-esteem before being able to ask friends to pay for your services, you’d be in trouble; most self-doubting, sensitive, I’m-afraid-to-impose-on-friends wusses don’t change their personalities, even with deep, deep therapy and a dollop of Dr. Phil.
Unfortunately, as you know, your reluctance to mention fees to friends can spiral into paralysis and frustration. If you respond to your friend’s request for professional help by sliding into an informal, glad-to-help, enjoying-your-company mode, your friend will shoot the breeze for the sheer pleasure of friendship.
Before you know it, you’ve lost a huge number of billable hours and can only blame yourself, because your friend didn’t know that you have no time for this shit (or that your quality time in the friend world was “shit” to you professionally).
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 22, 2010
Very few people leave their jobs everyday feeling great—it is called “work” for a reason, after all—but it’s extra difficult to accept when a boss or business partner leaves you feeling betrayed, used and screwed (unless you’re in the actual sex trade, where upon, it’s just another day at the office). Ultimately, even for sex workers, the job isn’t personal, and it’s not worth taking it that way.
–Dr. Lastname
For a long time, I truly believed that my boss was my mentor, if not a father figure; he seemed to look out for me, take a special interest in my career, and generally groom me for promotion within his company. After I did well with responsibility, he’d come through with reasonable raises and he liked to tell people that he believes in promoting women. Recently, though, I’ve noticed that he does little more than flatter me now that he has me doing all the dirty jobs and he keeps all the interesting stuff for himself and two of his favorite “old boys.” He gets irritated whenever I suggest I could do more and likes to bask in the gratitude of his new favorite girl, a secretary with big tits and not much else. I’ve worked hard here over the years, and I don’t really want to find a new job, but I feel like I’ve been used and misled, and generally wasted my time under false pretenses. My goal is to get the recognition I deserve, even if it’s not from the mentor I thought I had.
Wanting recognition at work is a reasonable wish and, if it was just a problem of your learning how to speak up, dress up, and get rid of your braces, then more power to you.
Many people are familiar with the usual fairy stories, and have pushed themselves to be more assertive and reach their dreams. Not only hasn’t it worked, but it brought down crap on their heads to insure an unhappily ever after-style result.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 18, 2010
If about half of all marriages end in divorce, then, say, a tenth of marriages end in nothing short of open warfare. In a marital battle, some people fight by keeping the verbal (and legal) bombs flying, others hide face down in a fox hole, but both of those tactics only serve to make the war intensify. A better battle plan is to give up on any control of your opponent’s forces (or feelings) and, without too many words or too little action/open fire or fatalities, figure out what you think is right and calmly begin peace talks on those terms.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband always saw himself as the righteous protector of our daughter and, after our divorce, he got into the habit of dragging me into court to force me to pay for some super-costly treatment or schooling that was always no more than a little bit better than what was available for free, but he’d look like a hero to our daughter and the court and the social worker, and I’d look like a miserly shit, and I’d complain bitterly, which just got everyone more on his side, and I was screwed. My daughter bought the bullshit, which meant she and her father shared a tight bond based on hating me, the Scrooge. But I thought the court assaults would stop when she turned 18, until yesterday, when I learned he’s suing me, once again, this time to pay for our daughter’s college tuition, even though she never asked me, she’s over 18, and, with her history of alcohol abuse (and no attempt to get sober), paying for her to go to college without going to rehab first is a waste of money. I think they’re both just scraping the barrel for reasons to drag me into court and I’m getting flashbacks about being raped by the judge. I don’t have any illusion about all of us getting along, but I think it’s fair to want this craziness to stop.
Like it or not, it’s your ex’s legal right to haul you into court at his whim, force you to hire a lawyer, and make you look like a creep. As a reward, you get to give him a good chunk of your savings to pay for something you don’t believe in, to someone who’s out to ruin your life.
Say what you will about justice, but most of the time, it isn’t very fair.
There’s no way you can avoid feeling helpless and outraged, and there’s no shower long or hot enough to make the violated feeling walk away. If, however, your goal is to stop this from happening again by repeatedly venting your outrage, you’ll actually make it worse. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 11, 2010
Parents instinctually want to protect their children from distress, but that doesn’t mean that help will do any good; some kids run to their parents in a panic at every loud noise, some kids are too thick to even know they’re in trouble. Either way, it’s the parents who have to be more practical than sentimental before they jump in. If only more people did that before they decided to have kids in the first place, I’d have a lot less business.
–Dr. Lastname
My daughter drove me and my husband crazy the other day. She’s a great kid who does very well in school, but at the beginning of every term she calls us up in great distress to tell us she can’t figure out what courses to take because the ones she really wants to take aren’t available and it’s impossible to make a decision about the others. So she did it again, and, as always, when we asked about the courses and made recommendations, she told us we were doing nothing but making her more confused and then broke off the conversation. I talked to my wife and she agrees we were careful to listen and we weren’t overbearing. P.S., the next day my daughter made up her mind and found a perfectly good group of courses to take, as usual. How can we help her get less distraught and see that we’re just trying to help?
Nobody wants their child to be in pain or agony, but it’s important to ask yourself whether it’s important if your daughter is…distraught.
Yes, her panic hurts her and it hurts you, but life is pain, pain is often unavoidable, and it’s not getting in her way, so why make it more important than it has to be?
It’s hard not to come running when a kid is crying, but this is a situation that’s familiar, always turns out well, and can’t be helped with a band-aid and a kiss on the boo-boo.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
