Posted by fxckfeelings on July 23, 2012
There’s nothing better at inducing helplessness than being molested as a child, but it’s easy to forget that helplessness is a feeling, not a measure of strength and character. If you’ve been traumatized in the past, don’t let the helplessness of this or any other overwhelming experience make you feel like an ineffective victim. Instead, learn to respect your existing effectiveness, regardless of how helpless you felt then or still feel now. You may always feel helpless, but your very survival is proof that you’re stronger than your emotions.
–Dr. Lastname
My life is pretty stable now, but I’ve had a lot of major problems this last year and, in the middle of my troubles, I started to remember being molested by a family friend when I was 14, just after I hit puberty and got breasts overnight. I’ve been struggling to get my daughter help for a major health problem, and then I got fired and had to find a new job, and then my mother started to slip into dementia. Now, I’ve got a new job, my daughter is getting good help, and my father is taking good care of my mother, but I can’t get over a rising feeling of helplessness. If it’s because I was molested, my goal is to get over it.
Before you can even try to recover from the helplessness of current crises, you have to get around the sneaky way it has of making you feel personally ineffective, in part by playing on your memories of the helplessness of being molested. After a while, you can feel like you’re drowning, which is about as helpless as it gets.
In other words, you want to move forward, but helpless feelings cause helpless beliefs by awakening helpless memories. Your mind gets stuck in the notion that you couldn’t do anything in the past, you’re not able to do anything now, then things will probably get worse, and you’ll be powerless to prevent it. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 16, 2012
While plenty of crazy people make their mental state known with a tell-tale twitch or tinfoil hat, a severely manic person can look relatively sane and still be completely bonkers when it comes to making decisions about life, love, and money. Our laws allow them to fly under the commitment radar until their behavior gets so erratic that they’re about to fly off a mental cliff, whereupon the police (with your help) can take them off to treatment. So if you wish to help someone who is mildly manic, don’t hesitate to offer good advice. If someone is very manic, however, your helpful words may cause nothing but fear, aggravation, and mental jet fuel, so you will need to be quiet, patient, and knowledgeable about commitment law to be helpful when things get out of hand and the tinfoil hats come on.
–Dr. Lastname
I was diagnosed bipolar as an adult and usually take some lithium to deal with it, but, for a few weeks last month, I started to get manic. I rode it out by spending all my time in church and buying a lot of philosophy books. It wasn’t too bad—I just wasted a little money and a lot of time, but otherwise, I felt kinda great, and I haven’t felt depressed, at least not yet. Now I’m back to my old self, but I’m not sure where the mania came from, or when/if it’s going to come back. My goal is to figure out what it happened.
What happened when you got manic is that you got manic, forgetting who you are and what you wanted to do with your mania. That’s what mania tends to do.
It gives you strong feelings that need immediate expression because you feel more real and “in the moment.” It tells you what to do, whether it’s cleaning the house all night, sleeping with as many strangers as possible, or spending your bankroll on religious literature.
What you want—you, as a person and manager of your own interests, rather than a manic diagnosis—is to figure out, during a sane moment, how much manic behavior is safe, where to draw the line, and what you want done about it by you, and if you’re out of commission, what you want done by others. You say nothing about that in your letter; unfortunately, you don’t seem to be present other than as a passive eyewitness to your symptomatic self. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 25, 2012
When you can’t get through to someone, it’s easier to feel like a war party than a concerned party, driven to conquer that someone’s mind by any means necessary. Sometimes the only mind you need to conquer is your own, because you can accomplish most of what you want without needing the agreement of others. Other times you have to endure the helplessness of watching someone self-destruct, knowing an attack from you will only make it worse. Your job isn’t to communicate when communication is impossible; it’s to make the best of the fact you can’t and take your forces elsewhere.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know why I can’t get my husband to stand up to his mother when she tries to take over our baby. Everyone in his family agrees that she’s very difficult. She drops by whenever she wants, has me wake our baby if she’s sleeping, and stays after we’ve told her that we’ve got to be going. After she leaves, I tell him she’s awful, and he tells me I’m mean to deprive her of the happiness that she gets from her granddaughter. I feel she’s taken over our lives and I’m ready to leave my husband, which is what I know my mother-in-law wants, because she’s said she doesn’t think our marriage will last. Help me get through to my husband.
If you’ve read this site before, then my simple answer should be familiar; the bad news is, you probably can’t get through to your husband, but the good news is, there’s no reason to get through to him in the first place.
As the mother of a baby, you probably have lots of reasons to create rules without having to first persuade your husband to agree or prove that his mother is a jerk. That’s fine, because, though your husband probably knows she’s a pain, you’re expressing feelings he feels guilty about having, so he gets to take that guilt out on you.
So, while it would certainly be nice for the two of you to be on the same page, you have enough confirmation that his mother is impossible to entitle you to come up with your own plan for dealing with her. Coming up with good rules for protecting your peace and privacy is a lot easier than asking your husband to turn on his own mama. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 21, 2012
Bad luck is like a bad smell; sometimes, it just surrounds you, meaning that you’re doing everything right but, due to an uncontrollable curse, everything’s going wrong. Then there are the special few for whom bad luck is generated internally, meaning that your brain is permanently decision-intolerant, and trying to do the right thing usually goes wrong. Either way, you’re stuck with your stink, and you’re going to get blamed unless you and others are brave enough, and realistic enough, to accept the hard-to-tolerate helplessness of having no control. If you can do that, however, you’re ready to appreciate the beautiful things you’re doing with an ugly aroma, whatever dealt it.
–Dr. Lastname
Turning 50 next year, my beard is turning gray, still alone and most importantly, no fuck-buddy! I’m saying I’m on a self imposed ‘sabbatical,’ upgrading and learning new skills, but in reality, well – this economy! But seriously, no work AND anxiety (a left over from when I was assaulted), all-new discovery of depression (as a result of recent diagnosis of Hypothyroidism or a direct result of job loss, who knows?), loss of retaining and maintaining friendships/relationships led to well, being in the space of loneliness – a lonely extrovert is so oxymoronic, I can’t stand it! Currently trying to financially survive on a sure-footed, tight-roped budget thanks to one of the four insurances that did pan out…still, sore about playing by the rules and getting shafted big time anyways and yet, retaining focus on how to get up from the shutdowns and the rapid changes that occurred in a shorter-than-2-year period. My goal is to capture original harmony and yet live in the now, which includes living an even more healthy and play-safe lifestyle along with meaningful work, having an intimate inner circle of friends and have a honeybun(s) in my life. That’s the life I am cultivating – the only thing is how the fuck do I kick-start the process to get there? Can you help me?
Sadly, Dr. Lastname has never figured out the secret to happiness (or put too much value on it), and besides, the real secret of those secrets is mostly that the short-term happiness they bring will be followed by a long period of not-happiness, much like the one you’re struggling to get out of.
On the other hand, we have figured out the secret to pride, which is really what this is about; women may make you happy, but confidence and pride will get you women. So, in order to get laid, you have to think about why your misfortune has laid you so low. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 18, 2012
Macho sports-types like to say that failure is not an option, and in a totally not-macho way, they’re absolutely right. After all, we all have different definitions of success, and while individual skill is a factor, so are luck, fate, and a mess of other circumstances that we can’t control and/or overcome completely. So if you can’t meet certain expectations or fix pressing problems, the good news is, failure is not an option; if you do your best with whatever it is you actually control, judging for yourself what that is, you can never lose.
–Dr. Lastname
At this point in my life I’m not sure in which direction to turn. I am a 37-year-old female going through a divorce, had to move back home and just failed nursing school by just a few points in my final semester. I was so devastated about failing nursing school that I basically fell off the grid for a while. Many of my peers feel as though the school was unfair and are encouraging me to fight this, and I have hired attorneys who have sent letters to the school and are now talking about litigation. All of this is starting to become so overwhelming that I feel like I am starting to spin into a deep depression again. It is so hard to watch everyone around me succeed and pass me by in life. My question is this, should I go on with fighting the school and sink more time and energy into something I’m uncertain of? Or should I just throw in the towel and try something else. I am so conflicted and would love just a no nonsense straight answer without all the fluff. Any insight would be so appreciated.
People feel like failures when they fall behind the achievements of their over-achieving peers, but, by the age of 37, you’ve earned the right to define your progress, or lack of it, in your own terms, regardless of what your school thinks.
Of course you hate to watch your friends pass you by, but don’t ask yourself why you’re not keeping up with them. Instead, ask why you’re wasting time comparing yourself to them instead of asking yourself where you stand according to your own standards, and what you want to do next. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 11, 2012
People usually feel to blame (and are blamed) for poor performance unless they have a good excuse, like a clear medical diagnosis, a personal tragedy, an act of god, or some combination of the three. Otherwise, you’re stuck with the blame, because people worship good performance and assume there’s always a way for someone who has the will (even though we know, rationally, how absurd that is). So be prepared to fight inner and outer prejudices if you become disabled while learning to trust your own observations as you decide how to get the most out of reduced resources. After all, excuses are unnecessary when you know you’re doing your best.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m about to start my last year of college so I need to start thinking about what to do next. Until a few months ago, I’d always been planning to go to graduate school (I love my subject, and I don’t want to stop learning about it yet). Now though, I’m considering taking some time out and going home for a bit instead. I was quite seriously ill a few months ago with bacterial meningitis and since then I’ve been constantly exhausted, having trouble academically (something I’ve never experienced before) and had an unpleasant bout of depression. I almost dropped out but somehow battled through and passed my exams. The depression is easing off at last (I had CBT, which helped, and cut down on stress) but I’m still feeling a bit fragile. I feel like some time recuperating might be a better idea than moving to another strange city where I won’t have support from friends and family and the demands of grad school, as I’m worried that the stress might make me depressed again. Then again, it also feels like I’m letting my illnesses get the better of me and maybe when the year rolls around I’ll be fine and completely recovered and taking a year out is just lazy and I’ll end up stagnating while my friends move on to new and exciting things. My goal is to decide which course is right and accept it, even if it isn’t ideal.
When a severe illness or injury saps your strength and makes it hard to get out of bed, you wonder whether pushing yourself back to work will hasten recovery or cause a relapse. Sportswriters often debate this issue among themselves, which tells you that it springs from deeply irrational feelings.
According to them, the real hero is the one who plays hurt, regardless of personal cost, in the name of victory. Of course, if he plays badly, they decide he’s a glory-hogging bum who’s ruining the franchise, the sport, and the universe.
With that kind of thinking, you’re damned either way, so you’re better off developing your own method for deciding whether to work or rest so you can be your own, most honest critic. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 7, 2012
It’s hard to feel independent when you’re feeling, or acting, needy, and it’s hard to be in a state of neediness without feeling like a jerk. Unfortunately, life often gives you needs that can’t be helped, so being dependent on others from time to time doesn’t make you a jerk, just human. True independence is not a matter of denying your needs or keeping imports and exports equal (though that would be nice); it’s a matter of putting your values first and acknowledging it. That way, even if you aren’t making enough money, or giving or taking an equal share, you’re making good choices.
–Dr. Lastname
My ex-wife just isn’t competent to do child care, work, or much of anything, so I’ve been the single parent for my two kids and I’m proud of the job I’ve done. The only hitch is that I wouldn’t have been able to bring them up in our nice house and send them to good schools if it weren’t for my parents’ support; I’ve done a good job at everything except getting a good job. Recently, I trained up for a sales job, but now it’s clear that I’m no good at it, so now l’ll need to ask my parents for more money, and I can’t imagine how I’m going to do it. My goal is to stop being so dependent on my parents to survive.
Economic independence is a good feeling, but if it was the most important measure of a person’s worth then the most admirable person on earth would be Donald Trump (and even he had some help from dad). That’s a vision even the staunchest capitalist could not abide.
The fact is, economic independence is another of those feel-good outcomes that we influence but never fully control, so there are many reasons why good people don’t have it or come to lose it. That wouldn’t be true in a fair and perfect world, but it’s certainly true in this one. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 17, 2012
The danger in generosity is that, whether you’re the one giving or being given to, it’s supposed to make you feel good, but often doesn’t. That’s not to say it’s good to be as selfish as Donald Trump and use your fortune to treat yourself to unlimited gold toilets, but the sad fact is, the guy who wins the lottery and tries to spread the wealth usually winds up hating and being hated by his former friends. If you focus on the long-term good you want to accomplish, however, rather than on the immediate joys of the gift, you’re much less likely to be disappointed, wounded, or punished, and much more likely to make an act of generosity into something meaningful (much more meaningful than a gold toilet).
–Dr. Lastname
My brother and I grew up poor, so one of the first things I did after I hit it big with my company was to buy him things. He’s very un-materialistic, but I knew he could use some appliances for his house, and it was my pleasure to get them for him. So I was a little shocked and hurt when he wrote me to say that he would appreciate it if I didn’t get him things. He didn’t explain why, and I knew he wasn’t trying to insult me, but it sure felt like it. Since then, I’ve felt estranged—if he doesn’t want my gifts, I feel like there’s not much to be said, and I’m just not comfortable chatting or dropping by. My goal is to honor his wishes without feeling hurt.
Thank you notes exist because people have strong feelings about the way other people respond to their gifts; it’s like a receipt for a good deed. The act of giving seems meaningless—even hurtful—if there’s no corresponding act of gratitude.
Having experienced poverty, however, you know better; a well-chosen, timely gift can enhance a person’s safety, health, and opportunity and, if the recipient is a family member, and particularly one with children, the positive impact of the gift may outweigh their lack of a positive response. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 14, 2012
Marital nastiness, no matter how harsh and unfair, should never make you a victim. Even when your partner is an overbearing jerk, you have a right to leave or stay and an ability to judge for yourself whether you’ve done less than your share and deserve less-than-loving treatment. As long as you remember your choices and exercise your own judgment, even the most painful marriage won’t control your mind.
–Dr. Lastname
Six months ago, I had my husband arrested for domestic violence. I was pregnant at the time. It was a wake-up call for both of us—there were many unspoken resentments between us as I have a very high stress job and he stayed home with our first child. We are both in therapy now, because, while I know I’m not responsible for his actions, I absolutely had some emotional messiness to clean up on my end. Somehow, we have recommitted to truly working together, but I am still so angry at him for putting me through that ordeal. We do love each other, but personality-wise, we are probably not the best match, and if there were not small children involved, I would have divorced him after this. My family, with whom I’ve always had a strained relationship, hate that I’m giving my husband another chance and are punishing me for it, telling me how I am being controlled, putting my children at risk, etc. I had my child 2 months ago and I’m already back at work, working like crazy (someone has to support the family), but I’m so overwhelmed, unsupported and just failed by everyone when I have 2 small children depending on me and a career to manage. The pace that I am keeping is ridiculous. Help! I need to figure out what I need to do to feel less overwhelmed. And if my husband and I are going to have a chance, I need to let go of my anger.
I wish it were possible for everyone to let go of anger and be happy in this life (but for this breakthrough to occur only after I’m retired).
Unfortunately, the unfairness of life, together with the unfairness of the worst personality traits we’re cursed with, make it impossible for many of us not to feel lots of chronic, steady anger on top of whatever one experiences for especially lousy events. For such people, being calm is just being quietly pissed.
So, for members of this club, as much as they wish they could get rid of it, the question isn’t how to let go of anger and feel peace, peace, peace; it’s how to manage one’s daily anger without turning into an emotional Hulk. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 3, 2012
Just because spending time with a certain someone is always a positive experience doesn’t mean that certain someone is actually a special candidate for meeting your needs. Whether you’re looking for a spouse or a shrink, many of the same rules apply; no matter how much you enjoy and trust that person, it’s your job to know what you want out of the relationship, what limits must be set in order to get there, and how much availability you require (and, with therapists, what lessons you can take from the relationship that can help you when availability is impossible). Defining the practical conditions that are necessary for the relationship that you want, and standing by them, are what make a certain someone not just special, but a smart investment.
–Dr. Lastname
I have experienced 2 bad marriages and the death of my only child at age 28 (one year ago). I’m now trying to rebuild my life and am in a relationship with a man who has experienced shit (horrible divorce) and raising his youngest child, a teenager. Unfortunately, he has trouble balancing family, work and dating, and I don’t know how to handle this during my grief time and uncertainty—I fluctuate between feeling my worries are unreasonable and justified. His ex wife screwed him kid-wise and money-wise, so he is bitter in lots of ways. On the other hand, I was equally screwed by my ex but pushed on and made my own way, so I don’t entirely sympathize with his resentment. I also understand that, because of his divorce, he hasn’t had a life with his kids and wants to establish a relationship with his son, but he also wants one with me, and I don’t think he knows how to balance these two goals. We’re both adults with good jobs who’ve experienced the same problems, but I’m not sure why we can’t get it together, and I want this to work.
As the survivor of an unbearable loss and the non-help of a deadbeat ex, you have a right to ignore other people’s resentment and bitterness. As such, you’re ready to move on and find a better relationship, and because your sorrows give you perspective, you know when someone else isn’t ready.
You obviously value your partner’s love for his kids, and see evidence of his fidelity in his long attachment to a crazy wife. You’re right, however, to have concerns about the flip side of this picture, which is his potential inability to control his over-responsiveness to whoever seems to need him more. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
