Posted by fxckfeelings on May 14, 2009
Everybody has one little thing about themselves they wish they could change, but more dangerous is the one little thing about someone *else* you wish you could change, either because you want to help them or help yourself. Here are two cases that prove that change truly does come from within…your own mind.
-Dr. Lastname
(And for those still hell-bent on wanting to change, you can always submit your own problems here).
I’ve been with my husband for 4 years now, and in that time, I’ve gotten less and less tolerant of his casual attitude towards keeping appointments and being on time. He doesn’t just not show up—he’ll always call with a reason he’s late, or at least make some joke that used to charm me enough not to get annoyed—but still, he knows it’s irritating, and I’m starting to think it’s indicative of something bigger, like, maybe he doesn’t love me enough to follow through on his promises. (And I know he does this to everyone, but he shouldn’t be doing this to his wife, and I know they’re mostly little promises, but shouldn’t those be the easiest to fulfill?) Just talking about this, I feel like I’m losing my mind, which means there’s nothing about his flakiness that doesn’t drive me crazy. Maybe, because it’s not cute anymore, I worry that nothing about him will be cute anymore? Do you think going to couples therapy would help? We should be starting a family by now, but should I be with a guy who can’t keep a simple schedule? Because my goal is to stay married and stop being annoyed.
First of all, don’t let yourself believe that your husband could stop being late if he loved you more. If you do that, you’ll attack him for devaluing your relationship, he’ll feel the relationship is devalued by your failure to accept him, he’ll act worse, and the devaluing will start to come true.
It’s much less dangerous, if more painful, to accept the sad facts that he can’t stop being late and you aren’t going to change him. Then you’re also free to respect his love and all the positive qualities you chose him for.
It’s tempting to drag him into couples therapy, let fly with your grievance, and hope the therapist can get him to change. Alas, therapists have no more power than you do to accomplish such change. The result will be much like a loud, chair-rattling fart: an explosion of hot air providing immediate relief for the one feeling the pressure, followed by a bad smell that everyone is helpless to dissipate. A good therapist will stop you before you start and ask you whether you really want to do this.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 10, 2009
How do you help people fix the way they help other people? The easy answer is, you don’t, but if the answer was easy, we’d be out of work. Here are two cases of helpers’ helpers in need of help themselves.
-Dr. Lastname
My wife is a good woman, but she can’t say no to people close to her or control her giving. Her mother has Alzheimer’s and often gets hysterical over aches and pains, or has paranoid ideas about being sexually molested by nurses, and my wife confronts the staff at the home at the drop of a hat to straighten things out. That just gets the staff upset because my mother-in-law is almost brain-dead and the complaints aren’t real, so now everybody’s mad at my wife because they think she’s blaming them. I’m not happy with her always being unhappy, and she blames me for not being supportive, and I’m worried she’s getting depressed. My goal is to get her to be less involved with her mother and less unhappy.
It’s hard to feel that you’ve done your best to help someone when they don’t get better, and they’re not satisfied with what you’ve done. Your wife can never feel she’s done enough for her mother; and you can’t feel you’ve done enough for your wife. And there’s no way to stop those feelings.
If you try to help her, you will probably make things worse. If you use a therapy session to confront your wife about her negativity and its bad effect on you and her mother’s care—if you suggest that she’s bending over backwards because her mother was really a jerk who always made her feel guilty–the more you’ll regret it.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 29, 2009
Monday was about wanting to be liked, so today is about wanting to control hate. Anyone who’s read a history book, seen a Michael Bay movie, or mentioned the Yankees to a member of the Red Sox Nation (yeah Van Every!) should know that hate is not something that we have much power over. Sadly, that doesn’t stop us from sometimes trying. Here are ways to manage hate before you start hating yourself.
–Dr. Lastname
I cannot fucking stand my sister’s husband, never have, never will. He’s a condescending moron, and whenever I try to talk to her about how much he sucks, she just gets mad and doesn’t talk to me for a while. I love my sister though, even if she’s got shit taste in men, and don’t want to stop seeing her or her kids just because he’s always around, being a bastard. My real goal is to get her to leave him, but since that’s not working, I’ll settle on figuring out how to not want to murder my brother-in-law so I can still spend time with my sister.
First of all, you should ask yourself whether you hate your sister’s husband because you find him annoying, or because you think he’s bad for her. Either way though, there’s nothing much you can do, and sharing your feelings with her will reliably make things worse, so you’d better shut up and re-examine your goals.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 26, 2009
We’re all familiar with the phrase “he’s just not that into you,” but as easy as the eponymous treatise is to purchase in airport bookstores, the notion is often harder to grasp. Here are a couple of cases where people can’t accept not being accepted.
–Dr. Lastname
I recently got engaged to a great man whom I’ve been dating for several years now. His family is great, but I often get mixed vibes from his parents— especially his mom. (For the record, I’m a nice girl who plays her role well, e.g. I bring flowers over on holidays and send thank-you notes.) When my fiancé brought this issue up to his mom (with my encouragement) around Christmas time, she said she felt terrible that I felt slighted, but, when I was over their home recently for Easter, “mom” was chatting up a storm with the other brother’s fiancée, and no matter how hard I tried to join in the conversation appropriately it just didn’t work. After my fiancé’s father made a comment about me being quiet, my fiancé told his parents that I had felt slighted again. Then his mom sent me a friendly email trying to make plans, but his dad was annoyed saying that he doesn’t see how I’m “neglected.” If they treat me like this now, what will happen if we have kids someday? Will they ignore them, too? My goal is to enjoy holidays with my in-laws without feeling like I need to get them to like me.
It would be nice to eliminate your need for approval, but it’s not going to happen. Since there’s no way that your future in-laws are going to change their natural preference in daughters-in-law, trying to change your feelings or theirs is a dangerous goal.
Some therapists would recommend individual or family therapy, but given your and fiancé’s excellent efforts to communicate with his parents and the unfortunate (but not uncommon) result, therapy is likely to do more harm than good. The more you suggest your in-laws acknowledge and change their uneven behavior, the more likely they are to become stiff, unaffectionate, and eventually critical, putting your fiancé in the middle and increasing everyone’s helplessness. Ouch.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 22, 2009
Admitting you have a drinking problem is the first of the 12 steps, but what if you aren’t really sure you have a problem, despite what people close to you say? Today’s cases show how seeking treatment for your addictions and seeking the approval of others are two things that don’t necessarily go hand in hand.
—Dr. Lastname
I’m a little frustrated with my job right now, so every night after work, I like to have a few beers with dinner to relax. Problem is, I’m a skinny Indian guy, so a few beers is enough to make me pretty tipsy (which means I get loud, maybe a little annoying, sloppy, whatever). My roommate has joked that it’s time for an intervention for my alcoholism, but he’s joked about it enough that I’m not sure he’s joking anymore. I’ve always thought an alcoholic is someone who drinks constantly, blacks out, can’t be trusted, and I’m none of those things. I mean, I go out to bars on weekends sometimes and drink ‘til tipsy (or further), but I don’t sneak beers at the office or anything, and I don’t think I need my nightly beer-o (beer trio), although I haven’t tried to go without it, because I really don’t want to. So my goal is to figure out what to do with my drinking problem, which I think is more my roommate’s problem than mine.
Your goal with drinking isn’t to avoid meeting someone’s definition of alcoholism: it’s to have a good time without screwing up your priorities. Sure, those priorities include keeping your job and fulfilling other important obligations—which you claim to have no problem with—but they also include keeping good friends and not limiting your friendship circle to those who like being tipsy, sloppy and annoying.
If you’re driving away good people who don’t enjoy alcohol as much as you do, i.e., if your roommate’s really saying that he likes you but would rather spend his evenings with someone who is quieter and less jolly, then you’ve got a problem that needs management whether you call it alcoholism or not. The longer you argue about whether your drinking is medically dangerous or gives your roommate the right to be critical, the longer you’re putting off the management job. Call it alcoholism or call it lice, either way, you drinking habits are messing up your life and need to be addressed.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 5, 2009
For our inaugural posting, we thought we’d start slow with a few 101 cases; one person who’s lonely, one who’s miserable, and one who feels responsible for someone else’s misery. You know, simple stuff.
You’ll notice that at the end of every response, we provide a simple statement, either for yourself or for problematic third parties, that we think will simply put our advice into action. It’s less “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough,” and more, “I’m in a sea of shit, but I’m swimming as hard as I can.”
We’ll have more cases coming on Thursday, and remember, if you have problems of your own, we’re here to help. That said, read on to see what our vision of help is. –Dr. Lastname
I’ve gone on my last internet date. All my friends are married at this point, and when they set me up on blind dates, the fall-out is usually so dramatic that I’ve resorted to the internet instead. Now I’m finding out that blind blind dates are even worse. Most of the responses I get are creepy, and the few dates I like suddenly drop me, or just want something short-term, which isn’t what I’m looking for. I’m lonely, I’m sick of being single, and the whole process is making me more depressed because it’s so mechanical and devoid of romance, which is supposed to be the fun part, right? I’d say I’m a normal person, good job, have all my limbs…why am I still alone? Is this the best I’m going to get? My goal is to find a partner who will make me happy, but I’m ready to give up. –desperate.com
Finding a happy partnership is always a dangerous goal because it makes you dependent on something you can’t control but still have strong feelings about. If you don’t find someone—and there’s no guarantee you will—you’ll feel like a loser, rather than just plain lonely. If your goal is to feel less lonely, or satisfy other strong feelings that drive people into relationships and ignite excitement, you’re more likely to fall for the wrong person and/or forget about the other important things in your life. Don’t make it your goal to find someone or be happy (or, God forbid, both). Your job is to conduct a good search for a partner while remaining lonely for as long as it takes to protect your heart and everything of value in the life you have as a single person/human being.
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