Posted by fxckfeelings on March 19, 2020
There’s a good reason that every “quest” story, from Luke Skywalker’s to Harry Potter’s, ends with said quest being satisfying fulfilled; namely, a hero who fails doesn’t seem like much of a hero at all. That’s why it can feel so painful if you dedicate years to your education—making a long series of educational sacrifices for the sake of a career, acquiring mountains of debt, forgoing all the pleasures that your paycheck-receiving contemporaries are enjoying—only to discover that your would-be career sucks and your epic quest has been in vain. Since it happens to good people who are making reasonable decisions, however, there should be no shame, self-recrimination, or rumination on mistakes if you must find ways to use your hard-won knowledge and discipline to figure out what to do next. Then you haven’t actually failed; you’re just on a longer hero’s journey than bargained for.
-Dr. Lastname
I have a Bachelors in Psychology and a Masters in Counseling and Psychology, and I am a Ph.D. candidate but I need to leave my program to move back home and take care of my mom. I spent some time kinda feeling bad about leaving this “elevation” of the Ph.D. behind, but I also knew, in a way, that this whole field was bullshit. My question then is, if my field of study is stupid—even after all the years I’ve dedicated to it—what should I do now? I want to play a part in the future understanding of mental health, which will no doubt be informed by science, but I’m not sure that what I’ve been studying will provide that (i.e., the stuff I’ve studied is nothing like the approach in your books). My goal is to be a part of the mental health field with an approach that makes sense to me (and the academic one does not).
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 30, 2019
When you’re frightened, dealing with trauma, or just generally vulnerable, you’re often forced to make big choices despite being in the worst possible state to do so. Feelings take over, so you may choose to do whatever feels good or just makes the fear or pain go away. Then you’re more vulnerable to being seduced into another abusive or traumatic situation, and that situation will create more strong feelings that make you doubt yourself, and on and on it goes. To avoid becoming a prisoner of self-doubt and helplessness, learn to see your real abilities and opportunities for what they are, regardless of what your feelings are telling you. If you can see beyond your feelings, strong as they may be, you’ll find your way to a safer, saner future.
-Dr. Lastname
I left my narcissistic, emotionally abusive ex-husband a year or so ago after almost 20 years together. We have two young kids, and he was so emotionally abusive that I left believing that he was the better parent, so I chose to have the girls live with him primarily and have joint custody. Since then, he has alienated me and my parents from my children. He is hurtful and mean during every interaction we have, but never in front of anyone or the girls. My girls do not want to come see me when it is my turn. I have no proof but I believe he is making the girls feel guilty about being around me. When I told the asshole he was damaging the girls for the rest of their lives with his behavior and feelings toward me, he said “I don’t care,” and has said multiple times that wants me out of my girls lives. I am tired of trying to see my girls and them crying because they don’t want to see me. I’m also tired of dealing with the asshole. On top of that, I have a wonderful new boyfriend who wants me to move across the country with him when he starts his new job, but I know that if I do that I probably won’t see my girls again. My goal is to decide if letting the ex have his way and staying away from my girls won’t only help them (by saving them from feeling so torn and guilty), but help me by allowing me to take back my life.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 26, 2019
If, like our reader from earlier, the only thing more reliable than your parents fighting is how much pain it causes you, you can feel like it’s up to you alone to relieve everyone’s suffering. As many problems as their conflict may cause you, however, solving the problems that cause that conflict isn’t actually within your control. So instead of continuing to feel hurt and frustrated by endless parental arguments, here are five ways to figure out when your attempts at family peacekeeping are making the war worse, and what you can do instead.
1) Carefully Assess Their Compatibility
Pay attention to whether or not your parents function as a couple, ignoring their complaints. This doesn’t mean you should look for times and ways they get along, but to really investigate how and if they work together; if possible, determine whether they do or don’t share or interfere with one another’s spending on essentials like housing, food, travel, and taxes. Note also whether they travel or socialize together, act independently, or interfere with one another’s ability to do so. Conflict is always a part of relationships, but so is cooperation; without that, you’ve got real trouble.
2) Gather Whether Advice Gets Through
You may have spent years trying to get through to your parents, but odds are you’ve never really paid attention to whether any of your pleas or guidance has actually gotten through. So take stock of whether either of your parents really seems to listen to your advice or ever really seems to take it. Either way, ask yourself how they manage to cope when you’re not available and whether either is really helpless or at risk of harm when you’re not around. Of course, if you believe either is in danger of being harmed, you should get professional advice and consider reporting abuse. In all likelihood, however, each has found good ways to manage conflict when they’re without you but, when they have your ear/a captive audience, they take the opportunity to stress their unhappiness.
3) Recognize Responsibility
Notice how much accountability each parent takes for dealing with what he or she doesn’t like vs. just complaining about it. Notice whether their complaints just put responsibility on you as the listener and/or on their partner for abusing them, rather than either accepting some responsibility for what bothers them or for the fact that no one’s really to blame. After all, it’s quite likely that whatever’s causing the conflict between your parents—like a bad habit or irksome personality trait—isn’t going to change. So if neither parent can either own their faults or resign themselves to them, then they’re never going to stop bickering, either.
4) Generate A Realistic Goal
Don’t assume that your objective is to help them get along better or ease their pain, because, as the previous steps should reveal, that’s completely outside of your control. It’s natural, of course, to want to find a way to make your parents listen to you, heed your advice, or accept each other’s faults, but since doing so would require magic or mind control, it’s time to reassess your endgame. Instead, try to protect yourself from their conflict while encouraging each of them to develop his and her own way of managing their feelings that doesn’t require raised voices, especially with you as the audience.
5) Assemble an Exit Strategy
Once you’ve realized your goal isn’t to keep the peace but encourage them to keep quiet, prepare a statement asserting this truth and rejecting personal responsibility, saying, in effect, that you wish you could help them, but their unhappiness together is beyond everyone’s control, so you think it’s better not to talk about it and instead think about ways to make life better. Then prepare to be tested and to follow through on your exit plan, without any appearance of hesitation or guilt, if they misbehave. Just because they’re constantly in conflict doesn’t mean you should be about the smart decisions you’ve made.
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 7, 2019
Kids hate to see their parents fight, and while you’d think that the feeling would lessen as they grow into adults, the opposite is often true; the older they get, the more they feel like having an adult’s power should give them the ability to set things right and ease their family’s pain. Of course, no human, no matter what their age, emotional investment, or relationship to others, has much power to change or ameliorate the chemistry of a longstanding partnership, so making the best of a bad parental relationship doesn’t require a determination to do good or make sacrifices. All you really need is the ability to judge the actual benefit of bearing witness to a brawl versus exercising the adult’s most wonderful superpower— the ability to leave the room and focus on your own, independent, more peaceful life.
-Dr. Lastname
My parents kept fighting nonstop throughout my childhood and teenage years and it was a painful, helpless experience for me. Even now that I’m in my late 20s and out of the house, they still fight constantly when I’m around and it still makes me cry uncontrollably and feel depressed. All through these years I’ve tried my best to solve and fix things, or just ask them not to fight so regularly in front of me, but nothing’s ever worked. My mother’s negativity, tendency to throw blame around and create chaos… I hate it all. My goal is to find ways to deal with this problem, because it’s been sucking away at my happiness and sanity for far too long.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on February 21, 2019
Intervention may be long off the air, but its approach to pushing addicts and alcoholics into recovery is still part of the national consciousness; it’s now taken as common wisdom that the way to get someone you care about into rehab is through raw, emotional confrontation. In reality, when there aren’t cameras, specialists, and access to highly specialized recovery programs around, it’s much better to keep emotion, confrontation, and personal responsibility out of it. So, for those of us in the real world dealing with an addicted loved one in real time, here are five steps you can take to compose a statement or otherwise address a loved one’s alcoholic or addictive behavior.
1) Put Things Positively
Regardless of how entitled you are to feel angry, hurt, or screwed, expressing those feelings will only make achieving your purpose more difficult; your goal isn’t to start an argument, vent your unhappiness, or listen to excuses, but to discourage alcoholic behavior and protect yourself from its effects. That’s why your statement should express what you believe is the best approach to a problem that isn’t necessarily solvable or controllable. So begin by talking about the alcoholic’s positive qualities and achievements, i.e., the reasons that you care about and love him in the first place. Then refer to alcoholism as an illness and set of behaviors, not a fault in his character, that’s a problem that has aroused your concern and for which you have a plan.
2) Fixate on Facts
When addressing the problematic aspects of his alcoholism, focus on behavior that you believe is doing the most harm to his life or that goes most against his values, not what irritates you the most. That means behavior that damages his health, puts his and the safety of his loved ones at risk, and generally is at odds with the kind of good, caring person you’ve known him to be. Of course, you know that conveying the magnitude of a problem is not likely to make an alcoholic change. What you’re after is a bald statement of fact that gives him reason to fear and oppose what his addiction is doing to him for his sake, not yours.
3) Beware The Blame Game
The amount addicts and alcoholics hate taking responsibility for their actions is matched only by their love for their substance of choice, so don’t let the conversation become about who’s really to blame or should take responsibility. You can never be sure how much you, the alcoholic, a therapist, a program, or anyone else can make a difference when it comes to alcoholism. Regardless of how an addiction starts, it develops a power of its own. Plus, if you put too much emphasis on how his addiction impacts your life, he’ll make you the reason for getting sober instead of doing it for himself (and then blame you if sobriety doesn’t stick). So be clear that you’re determined to help in any way you think might work if he sees that sobriety is best for him, and that you respect him if and when he does the best with the addiction he’s got.
4) Put Forth Your Plan
Now that you’ve cited concrete issues with his behavior, spell out the protective changes you’re going to take in order to address his issues and help him recover. These may include limiting the time you spend together, leaving events early if he gets drunk, or even notifying his doctor that he’s an alcoholic. If he feels unsupported or criticized, don’t feel guilty. You’re not trying to punish him, just to do what’s necessary and/or constructive for the both of you. If he promises to get help, be supportive of that choice, but don’t change your plan based on empty guarantees. By avoiding unrealistic optimism, you make clear that he has a tough road ahead and that external factors such as your love, the family’s support, and the presence or quality of treatment cannot guarantee success.
5) Conclude the Conversation
Once you’ve stated the facts and your plans going forward, it’s time to end discussion. Resist if he tries to engage you further with excuses, or further thoughts about sobriety or how both of you feel. Don’t try to plow through the conversation and “win” with the force of your personality, because that would be a temporary victory and make you responsible for generating his motivation. Instead, wrap things up once you’ve created a set of conditions and actions that rest on facts, hoping that your continued belief in those facts and you’re following through on those actions will, in the long run, build his motivation. If they don’t, they will at least improve your self-protection and give you peace of mind knowing that you did all you could in a fairly impossible situation.
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 7, 2019
When you discover that a loved one is in a life-threatening situation, it’s natural and often helpful to focus all your strength on removing obstacles to a cure. That works well if you can fix the situation by donating bone marrow or even lifting a car off your injured child, but addiction is a much harder obstacle to remove than a Chevy or even cancer. That’s because addiction not only has no clear cause, but also no cure, and the effort to find either can exhaust your resources and harm the ones you love the most. Instead of striving for the super-power to save someone at all costs, learn how to give it your best shot, respect your own efforts without becoming responsible for a fix, and then find ways to live with the obstacle, not remove it, for as long as necessary.
-Dr. Lastname
Several months ago, my dad got diagnosed as pre-diabetic and was told to stop drinking. We gave him time—he’s been a drinker for most of 50 years—but here we are now, many months later, the only thing that’s changed is that I can barely be around him because his drinking makes me so furious. It wasn’t until he got diagnosed that my mother and I realized how dangerous his drinking is to his health. We knew it was dangerous in other ways, because when he’s drunk he turns into a zombie/jerk: he gets aggressive, he doesn’t understand anything that is said to him, he can’t speak or walk, and my mom is stuck having to apologize for him and take the brunt of his behavior. Other members of our family have been noticing and talking to my mom about an intervention, but she’s worried about his feelings, which I understand—he has had a very hard time at his job—but to me that is no fucking excuse for killing yourself little by little every fucking day. I don’t want to lose respect for my mom too, because she’s my best friend, but I’m also getting frustrated with her for how much she enables and protects him. For months I have been keeping my anger to myself and talking with my mom, but she says we can’t talk to him with anger. But why fucking not? I’m so pissed at this point I feel like I can’t be around them anymore. If nothing changes soon my relationship with my parents is going to crumble. My goal is to get somebody or something to change before I lose my family entirely.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on September 5, 2018
As our reader from earlier can attest to, the “Seven Year Itch” in marriage doesn’t really keep to a schedule, nor can it be easy to ignore, no matter how solid, smooth, and not-irritating your union has been up to that point. As with any itch, however, there are dangers to actually scratching it, especially in excess, like drawing blood and causing permanent damage that will do nothing to prevent a similar itch in the future. So instead, scratch satisfaction off your list and use these five ways to manage an emotional itch instead.
1) Identify Your Most Important Personal Goals, Independent of Itching
If you value independence and being a good parent and partner, you know how much you need to work at a job, not just for personal satisfaction but, more often, in spite of personal dissatisfaction, because you need the money for survival, security, and helping your children. Your partnership, which is also work, has a similar purpose; you stick with it because of how it contributes to your life and the life of your family, in addition to, or despite, how much it does or doesn’t satisfy your needs for fun and intimacy. That’s why you have to remember all your needs and values when the urge to cheat strikes, not just the ones that promise you happiness and satisfaction when you’re lonely or bored.
2) Dedicate Yourself To/Distract Yourself With These Goals
Build a busy schedule around relevant activities that contribute directly to achieving your big picture goals. That includes time for work and doing your best to provide for your family, but also a large amount of time for your kids, not just in terms of having fun with them but also caring for them and getting them to and from their activities. And of course, you also need to schedule time to nurture your marriage as well as your individual wellbeing, by maintaining friendships and getting exercise. With all that going on, you should be too tired at end of the day to get hung up on being lonely, bored or easily distracted by old flames.
3) Find a Friend or Coach Who Can Make Urge Management Easier
Dwelling on your lost love, wandering eye or or trying to understand the reasoning or motivations behind either will just make your urges worse and keep your old flame/new interests alive. Instead, look for coaching from a friend or professional, like a therapist or life coach, who can help you distract yourself from feelings that won’t go away any time soon by reinforcing your reasons and values for not satisfying them.
4) Teach Yourself To Identify Triggers
It may not be worth trying to understand why you feel a certain way, but it is helpful to note exactly when and how you do. By keeping a diary of when and how intensely you’re haunted by feelings of loss and identify, you’ll learn what events, places, and general circumstances trigger these feelings and are thus best avoided, if possible. Even if you notice that the feelings hit you when you’re tired or bored or irritated with your spouse, you’ll get better at seeing them as a side effect of exhaustion and not something to be taken seriously. Either way, note the patterns, if any, and remind yourself, with the help of a therapist or coach, that your feelings go away and don’t require you to act on them.
5) Regularly Remind Yourself Of Your Success
At the end of the day, don’t measure how you’re doing at dealing with and managing urges by how happy you are or how well you’ve eliminated feelings of loss or yearning. Instead, take time to view your day in the context of what you’re trying to accomplish and how hard you’re working towards it, whether or not it makes you happy, and give yourself credit when it’s deserved. Indeed, when you’re tired, bored, and somewhat lovesick but still manage to reach your goals and act like a good parent and friend, you’ve been more successful than you can imagine, whether or not you can appreciate it.
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 25, 2018
Many people, like the cancer-riddled protagonists of young adult novels, stars of reality shows who spend most of their time on screen bleeped or blurred, or anybody who’s gotten a neck tattoo on a dare, believe the point of life is to live intensely and in the moment and therefore any experience or relationship that makes them feel more alive has value. The major problem with that notion, aside from how it actually decreases one’s life expectancy, is that it devalues the work it takes to make a living, keep promises, build and support a family, and generally build a life you can truly be proud of. Sometimes these efforts are boring and do not yield joy for long periods of time, but it’s for you to decide whether you’d rather have a short life dedicated to thrilling romance and great adventure, or a long, boring one dedicated to being a good person.
-Dr. Lastname
I’ve been married over 10 years but I just had a short affair with an also-married friend and it ended when he confessed the whole thing to his husband after the guilt of keeping secrets got to him. His husband made us cut all contact with each other so they can repair their marriage and I haven’t heard from him since. I also confessed to my husband and he has forgiven me and gotten over it, but I haven’t. I don’t think I was ever happier than during the time when I was having the affair. I do realize the affair was a fantasy situation—we both have young kids and care about our spouses—but the attraction to our significant others had diminished while the chemistry between us was powerful and ideal. My goal is to stop thinking about my affair partner, move on with my life, and be the spouse and parent that everyone needs me to be without constantly mourning this lost love.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 30, 2017
As C.S. Lewis once observed, grief feels a lot like fear—it’s just as unsettling, consuming, and uncontrollable—but it does also cause some fear, namely that the grief will never end. You can’t make it end, of course, no more than you can change the way it hurts or prevent loss from happening in the first place, but you can remember that the loss would not exist without love, and that there is meaning in loving relationships that is never lost, no matter if the person you loved is no longer there. And that meaning can sustain you through hard times, no matter how long they last, no matter how scared you feel.
-Dr. Lastname
I lost my beautiful, 23-year-old son this year in a horrific accident. I keep replaying this accident over and over again in my mind. I have two other biological children and a stepchild, but I still feel the loss of this son to an excruciating degree. I am continuing to grieve very heavily to the point that I feel disconnected. My goal is to find a way to ease my horrific grief and emotional pain.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on November 10, 2016
If, like our reader from earlier, you feel uncertain about remaining estranged from Asshole™ parents, it’s important to keep guilt from pushing you to attempt an otherwise unwise reconciliation. So, before trying to reach out, take these five steps to figure out whether it’s worth the attempt to make peace with your wretched parents.
1) Determine The Danger to Your Kids
Don’t assume that you can always protect kids from your parents’ potentially hurtful words or actions, or stem their cruelty with your own kind, reasonable behavior. If they are sufficiently bitter or crazy they may attack on sight, leaving your kids shaken by their destructive and out of control behavior. Be realistic in evaluating your parents’ detonation times and never let your wish for reconciliation cause you to underestimate danger, especially when your kids are at risk.
2) Determine the Danger Overall
Imagine other potential kinds of of hurt and harm that reaching out to your parents may trigger; with some malicious, explosive people, any kind of contact is dangerous. Even if your efforts are kind and well meant, nothing will reduce their sense of grievance or eagerness to even the score. Rely on your prior experience, not wishful thinking, to predict whether a well-intentioned call or visit will expose you to spiteful behavior including shaming, verbal assaults, and legal struggles over gifts and inheritances.
3) Process the Potential Benefits
Ask yourself whether your willingness to engage in polite conversation and reconnect will have any potential longterm benefits for you and yours, beyond possibly feeling less guilty and isolated. Be realistic about whether your efforts will facilitate real gains, like larger family get-togethers and friendships between cousins. Include whatever pleasure such contact may give others and the satisfaction you may feel for being kind when you have good reason to feel hurt or mistreated.
4) Test Your Ability to Keep Yourself and Your Family Safe
Drawing on your experience from prior family conflicts, guilt trips, or shame shake-downs, prepare for the worst with exit strategies that will end unacceptable conversations and protect you and yours from hurtful fallout before you can get sucked in. Rehearse polite statements that express regret for quick exits while not attacking, defending, or prolonging the discomfort, and make sure to choose locations that are easy to leave. Don’t reach out until you are confident you can protect yourself from unacceptable behavior.
5) Tally Up Total Outreach Pros and Cons
If, after examining all the potential risks and gains, it becomes clear that reaching out to your parents isn’t likely to benefit anyone or build a stronger family, don’t do it, and certainly don’t hold yourself responsible. Your only obligation is to your family, and all you can do is try to give peace a chance if peace is even a possibility. As long as your decision is based on realistic risk assessment and good values, it will never be wrong, no matter how bad the guilt gets.
