Posted by fxckfeelings on July 22, 2021
When close family members are fighting, it’s natural to want to step in and make it stop. After all, you care about these people and don’t want to see them hurt or have them angry at you. But, as we always say, unless you’re a drill sergeant, judge or magician, making people do things isn’t an option. So before you try to get between to warring parties, even if you love/are related to them, here are five things to remind yourself of before getting sucked into family drama.
1)Examine The Previous Effect of Expressing Your Feelings
While speaking your piece has probably given you relief in the past and, if you were speaking to someone who cared about you but was uninvolved with the drama, it might’ve helped to clear the air and organize you thoughts. But if you’re speaking to someone who is involved, then you’re less “clearing the air” than “giving the fire oxygen,” all without providing any insight or argument that will actually clear the conflict up. Experience should tell you that self-expression is out.
2) Ponder Past Attempts To Be A Protector
When close family members are fighting, it’s natural to want to step in and make it stop. After all, you care about these people and don’t want to see them hurt or have them angry at you. But, as we always say, unless you’re a drill sergeant, judge, or magician, making people do things isn’t an option. So before you try to get between warring parties, even if you love/are related to them, here are five things to remind yourself of before getting sucked into family drama.
3) Assess Who the Real Assholes Are
Most families have at least one and, very much like the actual kind, s/he can be counted on to produce shit regularly, no matter how nice, thoughtful, and constructive you may be. Remembering how they are and their history of assholery, be careful not to share too much time or intimate information with them, as it only gives them material to “digest.” And be ready with polite scripts that will allow you to disagree and disengage whenever necessary (see below).
4) Stick to the Script
Rehearse some scripted lines, crafted from your experience of past conflicts, that will help you assert yourself when necessary, i.e., when you have to calmly refute an accusation, provocation, or invitation to feel guilty, without provoking conflict. Tell them that you’ve given [their statement/horseshit] a lot of thought because it’s an important point and you respect their opinion, etc., but that you disagree and prefer not to get into why at this time. If they won’t let it go, then it’s time to express dismay to let them know you have somewhere you need to be that you also can’t get into and will be in touch soon.
5) Craft Constructive, Controllable Goals
Now that you’ve accepted that the smart choice is staying out of it and made that clear to the warring parties involved, that doesn’t mean that you can or should have to cut these people out of your life entirely. You can still figure out safe, positive, neutral things you can do to stay involved, like benignly checking on their welfare, expressing good wishes, and acting decently when insulted or mistreated (then getting the fuck out as soon as your mission is complete). Now that you know what you can’t do to help, be proud of the good things you offer, whether they’re appreciated or not.
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 8, 2021
Just as it is with Oreos and interneting, selflessness is best enjoyed in moderation. Too little, and you’re mean, selfish and approaching asshole territory; too much and you’re mean, guilty, and in need of a shrink. That’s because trying to help people, especially the ones you love is often impossible. It can drain you, open you to exploitation, and make you angry, which then makes you feel guilty and like you need to be even nicer, and on it goes down the toilet. It’s worth examining ways of helping those you love, but only if you can find a middle ground; your goal isn’t to solve their problems but to see if, with your encouragement, they can do better at making things better themselves.
-Dr. Lastname
My tween, much-younger sister is acting out, causing my (widowed) mother a great deal of stress and impacting her ability to make a living. I’m in my late 20s, living with my partner, and at a loss as to how to help manage my sister’s behavior going forward. When I have her stay with me she is polite, understanding, rational, and accepting of consequences. My love of routine seems to have a lot to do with this. As soon as she returns home, however, she falls back into negative patterns of behavior. I often have to leave work in order to negotiate their disagreements or to give my mother a “break,” which isn’t easy to do. Throw into the mix my current emotional state—questioning my life/career choices while trying to plan for the future—and I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed and completely out of my depth! My goal is to feel less overwhelmed and ultimately give my sister the best possible care and guidance.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on June 24, 2021
If, like your reader from earlier, you’re trying to stay positive about finding someone worthwhile after finding yourself with a string of assholes, moving forward can be tricky. Instead of trying to let go of the past, use it; mine it for lessons that can keep you from repeating your mistakes and becoming even more discouraged. So if you don’t want to let your bad experiences keep you from having the will to find something good, here are five ways of overcoming bitterness in relationships.
1) Forget Feelings of Betrayal
Having good times together, making promises of fidelity, and getting matching tattoos may make you feel as if you have a right to a good, long-lasting relationship, but you don’t. What controls a relationship, besides luck, is character, including how solid someone is and how well you work together when the times are pretty bad, the promises don’t come as easy and the tattoos get infected. Some people are deceivers—both of others and themselves—but it’s your job to look out for them, and now you know what to look for and when to run.
2) Work Past Feeling Weak
You can’t help feeling helpless when a relationship goes bad, and you’re certainly helpless when it comes to putting it back together or making yourself feel happy. In truth, however, you have a good way forward and you do know what to do, even if it doesn’t involve making your relationship, or your feelings better; you need to learn from the relationship, focus on doing everything else that makes your life meaningful, and ignore the pain until it goes away.
3) Ditch Further Discussions
Don’t expect talking about your post-breakup feelings to lead to any breakthroughs, mend any fences, or generally sort out what’s wrong. If a relationship has gone bad, you’ve already tried to express your feelings and it hasn’t worked. At a certain point, your feelings just keep getting more negative and the discussions more destructive. Shut up, restore your privacy, and communicate only what you feel is necessary and positive if you have ongoing matters together (e.g., work, kids, shared cat) that must continue.
4) Cut the Complaining
Yes, a little support from/venting to friends is helpful, but at a certain point, your friends will be sick of hearing about it and upset at how powerless they are to do anything. Plus the more you talk about it, the harder it gets for the wound to heal; your friends want to help you, but they’re not helping you if they let you keep going on about your ex and letting them live rent-free in your skull. Acknowledge your sorrow, but then invest in spending good time with your friends, not rehashing your misery fishing for good advice that doesn’t exist.
5) Get Back Out There, Whether Or Not You’ve Gotten Over It
At this point, you can’t trust your feelings, so it’s impossible to tell whether you’re still grieving or you’ve got the same dumb urges you always did. Instead, figure out what you should be looking for and go looking for it while exercising a much higher degree of caution and restraint. Use your pain as a reminder to slow down, be careful, and avoid emotional involvement until you’ve gotten to know someone and think they really check out. The best way to avoid becoming bitter about love is to keep moving; don’t dwell on past disappointment or let it define you, but do let it define the kind of person whom you think will be good for you so your next relationship will be less bitter, more sweet.
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 22, 2020
Too often, when it comes to choosing whether to be, stay, or break-up with someone, we let our hearts be our guides. But when it comes to a committed partnership, feelings are a false guide; there’s no way to share a house, family, life, savings account, and/or bathroom with someone for eternity and not feel some sort of bad a lot of the time. So, if like our reader from earlier, you can’t decide whether you can put up with your partner anymore, here are five ways to tell whether a flawed relationship is worth keeping.
1)Ask Yourself If You Were Better Off Before
Remember what your life was like back when you were single and how you hoped a relationship would make things better. Then assess whether this relationship does or doesn’t fulfill those needs, consulting friends if necessary to recall how you were living then and what your goals were. Don’t get distracted by how you wanted to feel, but on what you wanted to achieve; ask if your relationship helped you meet major life goals, like starting a family, getting an education, taking a job or living somewhere you couldn’t otherwise afford, etc. Make sure you include your need (if any) for a relationship that would offer you support and security in case of illness or possible unemployment. If your relationship hasn’t helped you achieve any those things or has even made reaching those goals harder, that’s important to know.
2) Ask If Acceptance Is Mutual
Determine how well you can accept your partner as he is and how well he accepts you. If, in spite of your best efforts to take him as he is, you find yourself cringing and criticizing, you should move on before you both become mean and awful. And, likewise, if you feel he can never really let go of wanting you to change and you often feel like you have to defend or explain yourself, you’re better off with your own company until you can find someone better. Remember, sometimes there are things about those close to us that make us nuts even if they don’t bother others, but figuring out why they’re annoying won’t make them more bearable or easier for your partner to change. If, despite your best efforts, the acceptance can’t come, then it’s time for you to go.
3) Do a Budget For Being Alone
Review your income, expenses, savings and debt and ask how breaking up would affect your finances. It’s possible that ending things, at least doing so immediately, would force you to make big sacrifices that would make it hard to connect with family and friends, live in your chosen neighborhood, create a nest-egg or just plain survive. If the immediate financial hit is too hard, you’re not trapped forever; you’ll just have to wait while you save up and create a financial plan that makes the separation financially feasible.
4) Review Possible Red Flags
Consider whether there are any “red flag” behaviors that make your or any relationship burdensome, unequal, or even dangerous. These behaviors include addictions, lying, overspending, impulsivity, and/or violent behavior. If there are no such flags, you should nevertheless ask yourself whether the relationship is too one-sided and you don’t get as much as you give. Then, if you do recognize red flags or inequality, ask a friend or therapist to help you find the strength to make a plan to move on. If you realize that you might be in danger, move quickly to get yourself and your children to safety.
5) When You Do Figure it Out, Keep Feelings Out of It
If you’re going to do a smart, factual assessment of the pros and cons of a relationship, you can do it when you’re still feeling angry, hurt, or generally upset. And in order to have a clear head, you have to figure things out when you’re calm, not moments after a fight or reconciliation. If you leave, you should believe that you’d be better off without him for objective reasons, regardless of heartbreak and the loss of whatever he added to your life. If you stay, it should be with the conviction that he makes your life better and doesn’t make it harder for you to be safe or be you. Whatever you decide, if you’ve done a good review of (over)due diligence, you’ll know you’re doing the right thing, even if it feels a little wrong.
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 5, 2020
A conflict-free relationship that hasn’t gone through hard times is like a rare, expensive sports car; just having it and occasionally driving it around the block makes you feel good and special, but if you suddenly need it for regular use it becomes a tiresome burden. So if you’re in a feel-good, low-stress relationship that suddenly becomes somewhat feel-bad, it’s up to you to decide whether what you have is worth working on and keeping, flaws and all, or whether it’s time to let it go and find something more along the lines of a human minivan.
– Dr. Lastname
My partner of some years has mild Aspergers and an anxiety disorder, and we’ve been in a long-distance relationship for most of those years (seeing each other every other weekend or so). We share the same values and enjoy doing most of the same things. Although he’s a good learner and he’s gotten better in these years, he has a lot of quirks that make me have to do more work (like saying “ok” instead of helping me to continue a conversation or accidentally teasing me in a way that hurts my feelings). Still, when I bring them up, which generally happens when I visit him, it often ends up with him not talking and shutting down, rolled in a ball, saying he’s a monster, and then I get upset because he’s not talking to me and I hate that I caused conflict. Still, when I don’t bring them up I feel resentful. It’s gotten to a point that we feel somewhat anxious around each other (though at the same time we enjoy being together). My goal is to find a way to bring up issues with him that’s constructive without being upsetting.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on September 17, 2020
The only thing worse than getting stuck working for decades in a field or job we hate is getting stuck in unemployment, poverty, and having to use take-out containers as toilets. So, if like our reader from earlier, you’re unsure about whether it’s worth trying to find new work, here are five ways to assess whether you can and should leave your shitty job.
1)Define What Makes Work Worth It
Become your own reverse HR department and make a list of the important things you need for a potential job; a certain amount of money is obviously important, but you may also require anything from a time-limited commute to flexible hours to a clear path to promotion. Don’t forget possible worst-case scenarios, like the likelihood that you’ll need a rainy day fund for an illness or disability. It’s not what you feel you need, like respect; it’s what you know you need to survive and make your hard work worth it.
2) Identify The Downsides
Once you do your objective assessment of what you want from a job, identify the things you dislike most about your current job and would never want again. Evaluate their impact, not in terms of negative emotions like anger or hurt but in business-like measures. For instance, consider whether the job makes it too hard for you to spend time with your family, exposes you to risk of harm or violence (from handsy bosses to unsafe equipment), or prevents you from gathering the experience and skills you need for your next job.
3) Explore Available Alternatives
Now that you know exactly what you do and don’t want, start looking at what’s out there in terms of better alternatives or even a job that will pay enough and meet all your absolute and/or have an additional something that makes it worthwhile to possibly move. Don’t hesitate to network or get informational interviews to figure out whether realistic alternatives exist.
4) Ponder Possible Improvements
Since finding a new job, let alone one that checks all your boxes, is never a guarantee, consider possibilities for improving your current job. It’s possible that just by faking happiness and a better attitude–by keeping negative feelings out of your voice and choosing your words more carefully—you might be able to reduce tension and criticism and improve your current situation as well as your possible future ones. Get coaching on your communication if you think it will help.
5) Make An Unemotional Choice
If you review your scorecard, you’ll be able to decide whether to leave based on objective criteria, not overwhelming hatred for your co-workers or your boss. Determine which essentials your job does and doesn’t provide, which irritants really threaten your family life, safety, or future, and what alternatives exist in your community that might justify a job search. Then, whether you enjoy your job or not, you’ll know you’re doing your best to make a living, using whatever opportunities life offers at this time.
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 6, 2020
If, like our reader from earlier, your Asshole family is wearing you down, there are ways to keep your anger at bay that don’t involve drugs, lobotomy or mass murder. So here are five ways to deal with your Asshole family. You can’t get rid of their DNA, but you can stop their dumb bullshit from taking over your life.
1)Forget Fair
If you haven’t come to terms with this fact already, it’s time to accept that your family will never play by the same rules the rest of us not-awful people do. They will bully you according to their needs, ignore usual rules of behavior, and try to turn other family members against you when they decide it’s your turn to be a pariah. As you’ve likely experienced an infinite number of times, protesting will target you for punishment and make you feel even more outraged about their unfairness, even though they have no understanding of fairness in the first place. Yes, you should still try to treat others fairly, but expecting fair enforcement of rules with these people will just exhaust you and make their behavior even worse.
2) Build Boundaries
It’s natural to want or enjoy love and affection from your family—that’s what families are supposedly for—but if you need love or anything else from an Asshole there are always strings attached, regardless of family ties. Maybe, in exchange for their kindness or basic humanity, a family member will expect you to listen to their complaints, side with them against someone else, or generally get involved with the family drama you’ve tried so hard to avoid. So learn to keep your needs to yourself or know exactly what kind of quid pro quo they have in mind before you engage.
3) It’s Pushy, Not Personal
Assholes can’t help blaming others for the hurt in their lives, regardless of actual facts, so it’s hard not to feel a little bit guilty when that blame comes your way. If you notice what they say about other people, however, you’ll see they do the same thing to everyone. So, while the criticism may feel personal, especially after hearing it for so many years, remember that their shit-list is long and all-inclusive. It has nothing to do with you and what you’ve done and everything to do with who they are.
4) Get Selective With Guilt
Remember, it’s easy to feel guilty, even when someone isn’t trying to make you feel that way. And Assholes are especially good at making you feel responsible for their feelings because they truly believe you’re the reason they’re unhappy, even if you aren’t. So no matter how insistent they are or how persistent your guilty thoughts, push yourself to think hard about whether you’ve done actually anything wrong. In the end, you’ll build up the ability to fight unnecessary guilty feelings, whether Assholes have induced them or not, and trust your own judgment before guilt gets you in its clutches.
5) Family is Figurative
If the people you’re bound to by blood are boundlessly awful, then you can make a better family of your own. This doesn’t just mean marriage and kids, but finding good, caring people who are fun to be with, trustworthy, sane and reliable. Beware of people who immediately try to get too close and have an immediate effect on you, because they’ll turn out to be exactly like the family members you’re trying to get away from. Find people to get close to who don’t partake of the usual family pastimes, like complaining, blaming, using and scapegoating. If the family you were given rejects you, make one that accepts you instead.
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 5, 2020
Over the course of our lives, we gradually age out of many things—diapers, fast fashion, the ability to use hashtags—but one thing no amount of time and maturity can confer on us is the ability to prevent Assholes in our families from getting under our skin. Age and wisdom confer no superpower defensive shield against the pain and guilt Assholes cause, especially since they won’t stop causing it no matter how calmly and maturely you approach them. So if you’re descended from Assholes, expand your acceptance to include your own feelings, namely the negative and human ones that your family will always inspire. Don’t try to achieve a state of imperturbable forgiveness; that’s an inhuman standard for controlling your feelings that only an Asshole would impose.
– Dr. Lastname
I come from a family that is violent and alcoholic on one side and borderline/bipolar/crazy on the other; several relatives are all of the above. I’m over 70 now, so I have a lifetime of experience turning the other cheek, hoping for the best, and standing up for my values with integrity. All the same, I am tired of my family and their problems (none of which I exhibit to even a small degree, luckily). Even my patience has limits. My goal is to not feel hate for the whole fam damily and to fill in the chip they’ve nicked off my shoulder.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 28, 2020
The children may be our future, but in their present state some children, like the one a reader described earlier, cannot be taught well or allowed to lead the way (unless you want to be lead into jail). That’s because some kid are just Assholes, i.e., they’re impossible to reason with and a danger to everyone around them. Unlike adult Assholes, kids have the potential to grow out of it and change, but making limitless efforts to be that agent of change can make you into an Asshole yourself. So here are five ways to tell if your kid isn’t just troubled but an Asshole, a.k.a., trouble itself.
1) Pep Talks Have No Purpose
When someone won’t stop fucking up, it’s natural to believe that, if they only understood why what they’re doing is wrong and how it’s really hurting people then they’d finally get why it’s bad and put an end to it. But after discussing bad behaviors with this kid, the bad feelings they cause in others and their own bad feelings that might motivate them, nothing’s getting through. Your explanations fall flat, your limits are blown through, your explanations for your limits might as well be in Klingon…eventually, you have no confidence that anything you say or do will work to keep him safe or out of trouble. Then you find yourself expecting the worst and not being surprised.
2) You’re Not Alone
When none of your ideas seems to be working, try to compare notes with his other caregivers—teachers, case workers, therapists—to see what their experiences with him are like and what techniques, if any, they find successful. Review what they’ve tried and determine whether they seem unreasonable or kind and accepting. If they strike you as trustworthy and skilled and make it clear that, despite appreciating this kid’s strengths, formulating good rules and following through on simple, reasonable punishments, they also got nowhere, then you know you know it’s not you, it’s him (and the fact he’s as Asshole).
3) Absence of Empathy
One reason explanations and pep talks are useless—why telling him how much he’s hurting himself and others doesn’t seem to make an impact—is because he’s unable to register or be aware of how his actions make others feel, whether they’re peers or adults. Awareness may be blotted out by the intensity of his own emotions or compulsions, or, if he’s a true sociopath, may simply not exist, even at the best of times. He doesn’t seem to be avoiding empathy in order to avoid guilt, because he can be unaware with no good reason; he’s just wired wrong, so either his brain is currently bypassing his empathy chip or he never got one in the first place.
4) Compulsive Self-Harm
Unfortunately, this kid’s path of destruction doesn’t just take down external targets; when he’s in the wrong mood—overloaded with anger, frustration, misery, etc.—he can’t stop destroying his own things and/or hurting his own body. In recollecting the harm he caused, he shows no regret for what he’s done or wish to protect himself in the future. He may wish he didn’t feel that way again, but cannot imagine a good reason for not doing what he did given his feelings, or not doing the exact same thing should that feeling return. In other words, he doesn’t just lack empathy for how his actions impact others, but how they impact him and anything he cares about.
5) Assholes, Assemble
You’d think that being empathy-less, impulsive, and rage-filled would make human connection tricky, but Assholes, even young ones with violent streaks, often have no problem making friends, even if it’s just with people as awful as they are. As such, this kid has a talent for finding friends who do more bad things together than either one could ever accomplish alone. Sometimes, such friends aren’t assholes but just passive followers and sidekicks who are drawn in by the Asshole’s passionate, rebellious nature. In either case, these friends raise the risk of causing serious harm and undermining the (already weak) influence of your rules and management tools. Because, while you may at first find some hope in the fact that this kid made friends, friendships, like reasoning and empathy, won’t make an Asshole a better person. If you’re lucky, time, medication, and/or life experience may help. But in the meantime, don’t take their actions personally while planning what to do if your Asshole kid goes from impossible to dangerous.
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 6, 2020
People who help troubled kids are bona fide living saints, but kids with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) are sometimes beyond miracles; kids with the most extreme form of this disorder can suck all the love and patience out of even the kindest, most dedicated caregivers, leaving them to feel burnt out and powerless. Since most of us aren’t saints, it’s important not to make yourself responsible for changing a troubled kid if you find one in your charge. Unless you include additional priorities and values in your approach and are prepared to encounter problems you can’t necessarily change, it’ll take a massive miracle to keep you from getting into major trouble.
-Dr. Lastname
My stepdaughter came to live with us two years ago. I knew there would be obstacles to overcome; we gained custody of her after a bitter, multi-state fight with her drug-addicted mother and nasty grandmother. And not surprisingly, she does indeed have a lot of issues. So I find myself yelling a lot and spending heaping amounts of time trying to help her gain some control of what her therapist calls an oppositional defiant disorder, which she certainly has. I start out trying to be kind and gentle and always end up yelling because her repeated “forgetting” of the rules of our home (100% Honest, 100% respectful) is awesomely frustrating. In the meantime, I know I’m not spending the quality time I’d like to with my husband and my other children, and I feel like shit when I finish one of these yelling sessions—they always seem to uncover lie after lie—and sad because I just don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. My goal is to get through to my stepdaughter and help her be a part of the family, AND gain more quality, happy time with my other kids and husband.
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