Posted by fxckfeelings on October 27, 2011
Intimate feelings should be a side-effect of relationships, not the other way around. When that intimacy becomes an end in itself, you forget, not just the other reasons why you’re spending time with someone, but the other things you need to be doing for yourself, your job, and the other people in your life. So the opposite of a strong attachment isn’t necessarily to break away, but to regain your sense of who you are and what you value the most, whether or not you’ve come down with a chronic partnership.
–Dr. Lastname
Approximately three years ago I realized my psychiatrist preferred other patients and liked other patients more than me. That realization was incredibly devastating to me. I want to deal with this reality, however, my psychiatrist keeps denying this is the reality and will not openly admit he does indeed prefer other patients. Part of me that hopes (wishes) this truly is not the reality (him preferring other patients) and I TRY to believe that what he says is the reality! However, I simply can’t believe him. I have told him I can’t believe something that I think isn’t true. Even though he has helped me immensely in many ways, and I’m extremely attached to him, I have lost trust, confidence and faith in my psychiatrist over this issue. I think he is preventing me from having the opportunity to deal with reality by denying he prefers other patients. I have a need to hear him say, “Yes I do prefer other patients and your observations/perceptions about this have been accurate.” I think if I hear him say these words I could actually work to deal with it. Since he’s obviously not prepared to say this, MY GOAL is to somehow “detach” from him, stop therapy with him and move on and forget about it.
When you do therapy right, a shrink is like a thesis advisor, helping you explore the toughest issues in your life until your work is complete.
If you lean on therapy too much, however (sometimes through no choice of your own), a shrink is a crutch, which makes deciding when and how to end therapy much more complicated. Remove the cast too early, and you still can’t walk on your own. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 6, 2011
The process most humans have for defining our sense of right and wrong develops with time; it starts with determining whether or not our parents are mad at us, goes to roommates, and then spouses (and after that, the law). One part of the process that should extend from cradle to grave (but often doesn’t) is consulting your conscience before you declare guilt or innocence. Sometimes it will protect you from false guilt; other times, it will tell you that, regardless of your rationalization, you’re guilty as hell (better to realize on your own without the law’s help).
–Dr. Lastname
I always suspected that I was attracted to women more than to men, but I liked my husband, and we’ve been good companions for the past 20 years. It hurt him deeply, however, that I wasn’t interested in him sexually and finally, when he pressured me to tell him what was wrong, I told him I thought I might be gay. Now he feels I lied to him, that our marriage has been meaningless, and he wants a divorce. Our life together is over and I feel totally to blame, like I’ve let down my husband and betrayed our marriage. What can I say to make amends?
There’s one important step people sometimes forget to take before making amends– asking yourself what you’ve done wrong.
Obviously, your husband is hurt and he thinks you’re to blame, but, as we’ve said many times, that’s the whole point of marriage—having someone to blame. Real sin requires knowing that you have something to hide, and that doesn’t seem to be the case. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 22, 2011
No matter how many times we say that no love is so powerful that it should render one powerless, we keep getting emails about broken hearts, broken promises, and the resulting broken lives. When love pushes you to fuck up your life and/or someone else’s, it’s your choice to either fight to stay in control or say, well, love is all you want, so whatever happens must be worthwhile. You might be in love, but you’re not without choices. And if/when you make the wrong choice, you can always choose to write us.
–Dr. Lastname
When my son was born 30 years ago, I met two other moms and we became friends. Although with partners, we shared the same interests and our kids got along well, and we spent the next years as very good friends doing lots of things together and with the children-one of those friends even married my brother (one son and three years later, they divorced). At the same time, I met a new partner (I was now separated from my son’s father), and we spent the next 27 years having a very on-off relationship. It’s difficult to sum up all those years but I think I can say that I probably cried through most of it! I should have left, I didn’t, he wasn’t committed, I was, I wanted a family life, he didn’t. I’m not perfect and I didn’t always behave well. Five years ago he had a son by another, not partner, woman and when that didn’t work out he and I got together again. Then last year, I invited my friend/ex sister-in-law to lunch with us, and they got together. The shock was immense … and it’s not so much the loss of either but this terrible feeling that I have been used as a sort of dating service by my friend and I just can’t get rid of this feeling of betrayal. It’s now a year on and I haven’t seen them since, and the emotional hurt is a lot less– I have done lots of new things, made new friends, and life is rosier, but I have this constant anxiety that this friend is going to take someone else from me – my sister? my other brother? and, worst of all, I have this strange fear that it will be my son. I would like to be happy for my ex and my friend, but I can’t. I protect myself by staying away but I have this huge sense of loss that I have lost this whole part of my life. I need to let go of this underlying anxiety that I am going to lose someone to her again.
When it comes to kids, we expect parents not to expose them to unnecessary rejections and losses from adults they’ll get attached to, who will then go away. When it comes to how parents protect their own hearts, however, the same standards don’t seem to apply, even though, as your experience shows, they really should.
Yes, I understand, you’ve loved a guy for 27 years, but it was always off-and-on, causing you intermittent heartache and wasting your opportunity for something better. You wouldn’t have needed a shrink, psychic, or your average plumber to predict a sad end to all you invested in him and his family.
That doesn’t mean your love was meaningless or less than real. It was powerful, at least for you. Like a good mother, however, your job is to protect yourself from real attachments that can’t work, and you haven’t done that. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 15, 2011
As diseases go, mental illness is a doozy to treat; some mentally ill people are too humiliated to ask for help, and others are too crazy to ask. If you want to help them (or yourself), keep in mind that it’s the illness, stupid, which distorts the attitude towards treatment. Use the same logic and moral values for mental health treatment decisions that you would use for other illnesses; there’s nothing humiliating about getting sick, no matter what a sick brain decides.
–Dr. Lastname
I have been wrestling with depression for years now and my maternal side of the family has a history of depression and suicide. I don’t feel that I can do this on my own anymore and need help. I don’t want to just take a medical cocktail of antidepressants. My question to you is how do I go about finding a therapist and/or doctor that will be most helpful to me.
The first step for getting treatment for your depression seems simple– don’t get depressed about treatment for depression. After all, depression’s just another form of pain unless it twists your thoughts into thinking that not getting rid of it is a kind of failure that marks a meaningless life.
As long as you realize depression is a persistent ailment, just like persistent back pain or diabetes, you’ll have an easy time making treatment decisions because you won’t regard using treatment as evidence of weakness. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 12, 2011
When it comes to the doorway of self-respect, some people are doormats while others are battering rams. The key (pun intended) to respecting yourself is being sensible about assigning blame; not everything is your fault, not every person can be helped, and no insult is worth taking to heart. So instead of allowing yourself to be stepped on or administer punishment, judge yourself fairly and stand firm.
–Dr. Lastname
My best friend and I got together after 9 years of friendship. A couple of years before we got together, I was with a guy that my best friend absolutely hates and also works quite closely with. My friend and I love each other immensely, but after only six months it was all over and done with; his trust and jealousy issues got the better of him in our relationship even though there was no basis for it, and he called it off as he knows that won’t change about himself. While he loves me, he wants us to be in each other’s lives forever so broke it off. I thought it was something we could work on so never really gave up hope that he would return. We finally had a proper talk about all of it, however, and now I get that he is never coming back to me, but I still don’t know how to reconcile that. How can he give up on himself and his chance of love, and how do I stop beating myself up over the guilt I feel for being with that previous guy, when all that goes through my head is that had I not done that, we could still be together? I feel like I ruined what could have been the best thing in my life and don’t really know how to move on, especially when all I want is for him to have a main role in my life. How do I separate my friendship and feelings? How do I stop hating myself for what I’ve done?
Many people hate themselves whenever something goes wrong, picking apart everything they might have done different, from bringing an umbrella to not swinging on a pitch that was down in the dirt.
As long as you don’t think too hard, there’s no difference between could have and should have, leaving you with heaps of regret (along with ruined shoes and/or play-off chances). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 1, 2011
It’s hard not to think of stoner weirdos as victims of bad choices who need a haircut and a good, tough talking-to. In reality, many misfits, potheads especially, have no control over the fact that life offers them no good fit for their talents and temperament, and the belief that they should have or could have done better makes them more passively resistant, unpleasant, and prone to mass consumption of tacos. So, instead of moralizing and breaking out the shears, confront their negative behavior by accepting the fact that stoner misfits are who they are while offering suggestions about how they can do better with themselves (starting with fewer tacos).
–Dr. Lastname
There’s a guy on my team at work who drags everyone down, but the boss does nothing to confront him, and it really prevents us all from doing good work. This guy does just enough to get by, and he sucks up to the other guys, so they’re somewhat protective of him. Meanwhile, he’s dismissive with me and the other women on the team and has a way of passing the buck to us, losing what we give him, and then blaming our hormones if we complain. No surprise here, he’s a heavy stoner and smokes during the day, but everyone at work seems to think it’s no big deal. I like the job and the people, but I’m afraid that complaining to our boss will be seen as petty and disloyal to our team. I don’t mind telling this guy to his face that I’m unhappy with his work and attitude, but it would just make him even nastier and impossible. At the same time, I don’t want to be silent just because the boys don’t respect what I’m saying. What can I do to make this work?
When you’ve got a job where you like the work and the people you work with, it’s natural to feel that the bad behavior of a single jerk shouldn’t be able to ruin it for you (and everyone else), let alone a lazy, sexist jerk with a drug problem.
Trouble is, his behavior can totally ruin it for you and everyone else unless your boss or other co-workers are reasonably good at managing his behavior instead of just avoiding conflict and sharing dumb jokes.
Unfortunately, as you may have noticed, they’re not really rising to the task so far, and that’s something you don’t control. At least it seems you’ve been good about controlling your own rage. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 25, 2011
The most powerful mama-bear parenting instinct, to feel infinitely responsible for protecting your baby from harm, is helpful when your child is, say, being attacked by a bear, but it’s infinitely troublesome in all but the most basic situations. Yes, you’ve got to do your duty if and when there’s something you can do, but most of the time, your options are limited and protective powers feeble. Your real powers come from not losing your confidence, even when your child is suffering at the hands of something other than a large predator, and conveying a belief in your ability to get through bad things together in the long run.
–Dr. Lastname
My 5-year-old son is a sweet, sensitive kid who’s generally happy and gets along well with his older brother, but ever since he got a baby brother six months ago, he’s been impossible to console when a tantrum comes on. If he feels left out of something, he’ll cry hysterically, big fat tears for a LONG time afterward, without my being able to distract him out of it. And the other day, he was so upset about something pretty trivial that, when we were sitting together later he said, “Mama, is it okay if I die?” And while, on the one hand, it is pretty silly to hear that sentence in his tiny little funny voice, it’s also very sad, since I know he just wants me to give him lots of attention and reassurance, and I did do that a little bit, but I’m worried that, if I feed into his need for attention, it will become his middle-child fate to join the drama club, or else ignore it and have him feel like no one really cares about him.
Your basic instinct as a parent is to soothe a crying baby and feel successful if it works. If it doesn’t work, you’re a failure, you’ve got to keep trying, and, even when it finally works, you worry that there’s a grander failure on the horizon, like a child who ends up selfish or gets a tribal tattoo.
Yes, even if you do finally soothe your child, you wonder whether you’ve got a kid who’s very unhappy because you don’t understand his needs, or a needy kid who’s training you to spoil him. That’s why parents pray for “easy” kids, and lazier types stick with pets. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 1, 2011
The Bible is too black-and-white to be helpful about the necessity of brother-keeping; so sayeth the Lord, we’ll never feel like good people if we don’t care about our families. The trouble is, some relatives are dangerous or draining to be around, and we’ve got other obligations. So forget about absolute moral imperatives and develop your own rules for being a good person when responding to the needs of people you love (but have good reason not to like or trust). And so it was written.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m wondering whether I should try to do something to help my ex who I feel is spiraling into unhealthy (mentally and physically) old age (i.e., be my brother’s keeper rather than “let live”). He’s been acting weird, keeping strange pets and stranger company, and he moved to a rough part of town though he has the money to live wherever he wants. It’s like he’s having a late-life crisis. I know he’s got a bunch of medical problems and I wonder whether he’s taking care of himself. My goal is to figure out how far I should push him to get help.
Whether or not you should be your brother’s, or your ex’s, keeper is a meaningless question if you expect the answer to be yes or no. Nothing involving exes is simple (even their pets).
If you’re actually wondering how far you should go, that’s a terrific question for which there’s a good way to develop an answer of your own. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 28, 2011
If we’re to believe the common wisdom that self-esteem is as important to the human body as insulin, white blood cells, and limbs, then it’s important to remember that too much is a bad thing. True, too little is the one that hurts in the short run, but too much can lead to bad decisions that can be just as harmful as diabetes. What’s important is to manage the self-esteem you’ve got so it doesn’t make you a wimp or a jerk. Maintain a healthy balance, because you need too much self-confidence like you need that extra arm.
–Dr. Lastname
I constantly feel inadequate, though I am socially quite confident and easy-going. I have always been a worrier, and someone that seeks approval from others—mainly because of the relationship I have with my parents, where praise is hard to come by. Ever since graduating (a year ago),my confidence seems to have hit rock bottom. I became very disheartened by the whole application process, and felt like I became reduced to a series of bullet points. As a result, the many rejection emails I received were crushing. I have since found a job I generally enjoy, but cannot shake a feeling of anxiety. I constantly worry that I’m being a bad employee, friend, daughter. I worry about money, about the fact I don’t meet guys that I can make a relationship work with…When a guy I was dating recently treated me undeniably badly, I still found myself questioning my own behavior, worrying it was my fault. I want to make plans for the future, but keep finding reasons why my ambitions will be impossible to achieve. How can I stop giving myself such a hard time, and take my future by the horns?
Yes, there are people who are optimistic, happy, and full of confidence, and their optimism often generates its own good results and gets everyone, including advice-givers, worshiping the “groove” they’re in and telling you how to get it.
What they don’t tell you is that the groove is overvalued; sooner or later, life sucks, and when it does, it won’t shake you nearly as much as someone who has never experienced self-doubt and thinks they’ve got the world by the tail. So one thing you can be optimistic about is that you’re prepared for disaster.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 21, 2011
Talking to a partner about their cancer often leads people to become nervous and tentative. They may feel guilty for being the healthy party, or afraid to say the wrong thing and trigger painful feelings, and it’s that sort of distance that can lead to cancer of the relationship. If your partner has cancer, don’t freeze up; respect your usual shared goals, values, and reasons for making decisions, and treat him or her as your respected friend and not a cancer victim. Take the disease in stride, or the disease will take much, much more.
–Dr. Lastname
My boyfriend went through hell from chemotherapy, but I don’t know what to do with his depression and irritability. We’d been dating about a year and planning to get married when he found out he had a nasty kind of cancer and, since then, he’s been brave about chemo and going on with his life, which has meant working when he’s feeling OK, and our moving in together and being partners. Usually, we get along well, but lately he’s been depressed and telling me he knows he’s a burden, he can’t get much done, and he just wants to be alone. I want him to get help for his depression and stop the negative thinking but I don’t want to attack him or make him feel I don’t respect the fact that he has cancer.
One of the things you always hear from people in pain is that you, the lucky one, “just don’t understand.” It’s the rallying cry of the suffering, whether they’re coping with cancer, or just being between the ages of 10 and 18.
What sick people often fail to realize, at least at first, is that people who aren’t in their position understand things that they can’t; after all, you might have the good luck not know what it’s like to have cancer, but you know what your boyfriend’s like when he’s not depressed, and you know this isn’t it. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
