Posted by fxckfeelings on February 2, 2015
We’ve said many times that it rarely feels right to do the right thing, and vice versa; that’s why making a smart commitment can feel horrifying while using heroin can feel super terrific. So when you have a tough decision to make, don’t pay too much attention to how comfortable your choice makes you, or those around you, feel. Consult your values and do what’s right, and prepare to live with discomfort if that’s what being smart/sober requires.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m very happy with my marriage, and my wife isn’t pressuring me to have children, but I know she’d like them and time is running out. I have nothing against having kids—we’ve got enough money, and there’s nothing I think is more important in my life—but I’ve always been anxious, and I know that having kids will make me even more stressed out. I’ll always be worrying that we’re doing the wrong thing, because that’s the way my mind works. My wife thinks I’ll be OK, but I know that my self-doubts never stop. My goal is to figure out a way I can be comfortable having kids.
Very few people know with 100% clarity that it’s time to have kids, and most of those have an outside source, from a cult leader to a positive pregnancy test, making the call for them. Since very few anxious people are ever 100% sure about anything, however, not even a fetus or a Svengali is guaranteed to set your mind straight.
As you describe yourself, you’ve always been too stressed to think about what you’d like to do, focusing more on your worry about whether or not you’ll do things wrong. That may make it hard for you to get enthusiastic about starting a family (or anything else, for that matter). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 26, 2015
Evaluating a conflict within a relationship is a lot like doing detective work; sometimes a case is solved easily with nothing more than the broad strokes, and other times every particle of DNA is a necessary part of the puzzle. In relationships, big disputes over basic issues don’t require examining detail, whereas minor spats over specific matters necessitate the full “CSI: Marriage” treatment. No matter how thorough the required investigation, evaluate your needs and actions so that you can get the evidence to close the case for good.
–Dr. Lastname
FYI, I’ve had a rough life, but I’ve have enlisted the help of a therapist to help me get over the hurdles holding me back. Now my long term boyfriend (not fiancé or husband) has pushed me to breaking point with his selfish behavior, so after three years of making excuses for him, I finally ended our relationship. He wants back in– I don’t trust him anymore based on his actions, but he is begging to show me that he understands where he has gone wrong and is trying to change. I’m thinking, “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me,” but these fucked up feelings for him are weighing on me and I can’t bring myself to let go. With an intelligent brain full of patterns to recognize, and if given a sharp wake up call, is he capable of changing his behavior enough to warrant me giving him another shot? Or should I listen to my own intelligence and kick his ass to the curb? My goal is to strengthen my instincts enough to recognize people I don’t need in my life and increase the size of my cojones enough to say enough is enough.
It would be easier to evaluate your ex’s worthiness if you’d given a more detailed inventory of his crimes, but deciding whether or not to stay with someone or take them back has a lot less to do with what exactly they’ve done wrong and more with what you expect any worthy partner to do right.
Your ex could have lied, cheated and stolen, or he could have just hogged the DVR and forgotten to squeegee the shower door; the process for figuring out what to do with him/for you is exactly the same.
Of course, you may also feel like your stubborn love for him should be factored in, but, not surprisingly, we find that smart decision-making and feelings rarely mix. So if you’re trying to decide whether to restart a relationship that failed because of your ex-partner’s bad behavior, do a top to bottom review of what you want, what went wrong, and what evidence you see that he has the motivation and the ability to make the necessary changes. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 22, 2015
If there was an ancient koan about self-destructive people, it would probably question whether the constant screw-ups are caused by making crazy decisions, or failing to make good ones (and maybe a leaf and stream would be involved). Unfortunately, some actively self-destructive people are the way they are, and some passive failures just can’t be who they should be. So, if you’re perplexed by someone who can’t do right or can’t avoid doing wrong, don’t assume you can help or that they can help themselves. Take a careful look at their ability to accept help and do better before deciding whether help is possible, blame deserved, and certain riddles (and people) would best be left alone.
–Dr. Lastname
My sister has always had a lot of struggles in her life, starting from when she came out at a young age and lost our mother soon after. My dad has given her a lot of support financially over the years and continues to do so, even though she’s got a partner (male) and a baby whom we all adore and look after any chance we get. Here is where the rest of the family and I are starting to get concerned; ever since my niece was born, my sister smokes pot daily with the baby right beside her, and recently she’s been making some rash decisions: breaking up with her partner who loves her and supports her; dating a woman with a history of being unstable and bringing her to their house; and planning to move out although she has no job/income. The whole situation is starting to take its toll on my aging dad (who is very involved in the care of her child) as well as the rest of the family, and if anyone tries to broach our concerns with her she explodes into a rage. Ultimately I think the root of the problem is the pot addiction (maybe combined with the anti-depressants), her unwillingness to quit smoking, and the fact that our nephew is affected. We are all at a loss as to what to do and how to approach it for fear of alienating her and thus our nephew, but we need to set some boundaries around our support for her. Or, do we stay out and let her live her life, meanwhile watching how it affects our nephew and divides the family? Our goal is to figure out how to offer help without getting cut off and heartbroken.
Unfortunately, you’re right in assuming that your sister will probably respond negatively to any limits you place on her. In short, if you imply that she’s fucking up her life, she’ll say fuck you, but with you and your family cut off, your niece will be extra fucked over.
The key to not making things worse as you try to help is remembering that some people are just like that and can’t be rescued. You can be sure that your sister’s messing up her life because she’s designed to do just that; she’s a human wrecking ball, but nobody’s at the controls. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 19, 2015
Strong feelings, like sports victories and financial losses, often seem inherently important and noteworthy, but, in reality, they mean very little taken out of context. Sometimes you feel something strongly just because you’re especially touchy (or don’t feel that much because you’re comfortable and momentarily undisturbed), so, as with an extra-inning win for a team that’s already been eliminated or a million dollar loss to a billionaire, it’s a small blip in the bigger picture. Don’t then jump to conclusions about your strong feelings, or their absence, until you’ve considered what you’re after and what you consider most important. Then you’ll know whether your feelings are a big deal or a bunch of nothing.
–Dr. Lastname
Let me preface this by saying that I am seeing a psychiatrist and on two medications, yet I continue to struggle with depression, as well as multiple sclerosis (MS). My problem though involves my husband, who has been my rock. When I met him, he was a hunk. We created two gorgeous children thanks to his gene pool; I often think that if I didn’t carry them people wouldn’t believe they were mine! He is a stand-up guy who comes from a great loving family, does the laundry, buys the groceries and cooks when I can’t— he even makes the coffee every the morning. I absolutely love my husband, but…am I still in love with him? I know that he’s great, and the sex isn’t bad, but I’ve just lost that loving feeling, as the saying goes. My goal, I guess, is to get that loving feeling back.
Many feelings—loving, hating, hurting, etc.—are sometimes experienced more intensely by people with MS because of subtle changes in the brain. It can act like a magnifying glass, blowing up your every emotion and, in some cases, leaving a burn.
In your case, your love for your husband hasn’t intensified, but your need to feel in love with your husband, and awareness that you aren’t as intensely in love as you once were, have become overpowering. And having strong feelings about weak feelings can feel like a strong force striking your brain.
Luckily, there’s no reason you can or should change your feelings. What you should do, however, is question their importance when compared with your values, sense of the alternatives, and the possible influence of your illness. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 12, 2015
Like dental surgery, high school, and Bar Mitzvahs, humiliation can be pretty painful, but it’s not always a good thing to avoid. Sure, it sometimes makes you reactive to people and values that don’t really deserve your attention, but other times it alerts you to the fact that you’ve been acting like a jerk and need to change. So, before fighting the fact that you looked or done bad, judge your own behavior to know whether it’s time to clean up your act, or just pay attention to doing what you think is right. Then you’ll gain something from your suffering, even if it’s just knowledge and not passage into manhood.
–Dr. Lastname
Christmas day turned into a nightmare this year because I failed to set a clear boundary with my adult kids, and the fall out has set me back on antidepressants. My soon-to-be ex-husband chose to spend the entire holiday with the family of the woman he had a long affair with. I have tried to be civil to her and my kids have met her for the sake of their father, but when my daughter wanted to set up a Skype session with her dad from my house, it was a step too far for me. My protests were overruled, and it all got worse when one of my other kids became angry and refused to participate, which led to un unpleasant atmosphere and bickering. I intervened only to realize that the woman and my ex could see me and hear what was going on. I felt humiliated and very angry to be put in this situation in my own home. The day was wrecked for all of us and I did not help by getting drunk and overturning the tree. I wish to be able to have minimal contact with my ex while accepting that my kids want him in their lives. My goal is to avoid triggers like this by setting firm and clear boundaries, knowing my limits, and having a coping strategy to maintain self-control.
It’s always hard to set boundaries if you don’t know what you’re setting them for; most middle eastern countries were given fairly arbitrary boundaries, so it’s not surprising that that region and your Christmas experience have an eerily similar level of conflict.
Your intended boundaries may be more purposeful than those given to Pakistan, but if your purpose is to avoid humiliation, then you’re giving top priority to the way you look to other people. Particularly to your ex-husband’s soon-to-be new wife, and she’s the last person whose importance, or even streamed image, you want to amplify. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 8, 2015
Unless you’re a robot, lobotomized, or the anti-cable news pundit, it’s impossible to assess a situation without some level of inherent, personal bias. It’s especially difficult if you’re assessing your own decisions; your judgment will appear consistently poor if you’re self-critical, or consistently justified if you’re critical of everyone else. Whatever your nature, don’t leave self-judgment to your reflexes; regardless of whether you tend to blame yourself, others, or both, take time to measure the moral value of your actions, particularly when life forces you to make compromises. Then act accordingly by protecting yourself when you deserve it, and making improvements when that’s what you should do, so you push your bias towards doing what’s best.
–Dr. Lastname
My ex-husband isn’t a bad guy, but he was and is a drinker who much prefers hanging out at the bar with the boys. We get along OK though, so we still live in the same house because we can stand to and it’s best for the kids. Lately, however, I haven’t had my usual energy due to my Crohn’s disease, and it bothers me. I always do OK at my full-time job and I never mess up caring for the kids, but I’ve been letting some of the household cleaning chores slide, and my ex has been giving me a hard time about it. I know I’m fucking up, so his criticism really gets to me. My goal is to find a way to restore my energy or at least get him to be more understanding of my condition.
Even if you and your ex are technically apart, it’s nice to keep things peaceful and together for the kids’ sake. It’s not nice, however, if the arrangement is putting so much pressure on you that you’re coming apart at the seams.
If you focus too much on responding to criticism and forget about whether you do or don’t deserve it, you take responsibility for shit you don’t control. And just because your ex can’t control his drinking doesn’t mean you can’t control your reaction to his complaints. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 5, 2015
We’ve written many times about the way mental health professionals especially tend to be either demonized or canonized; nobody expects their dentist to fix their lives or thinks their accountant is a monster and a fraud when s/he’s not perfect, but these are the expectations for those who deal in problems that are frightening and poorly understood, like mental illness. People would like to think therapists can provide control, but they’d also like to think the problem will go away by itself if you return to your usual routine. If you can accept the fact that some problems can’t be solved, however, and that the influence of professionals is always limited, you’ll be ready to learn everything you need to know and become your own expert on tough problems, imperfect professionals, and, if you’ve got the time, your own taxes.
–Dr. Lastname
My fifteen-year-old son does poorly in school whenever he gets depressed, which is fairly often, but his current school’s counseling staff is totally worthless—they haven’t just failed to help him, but so many students that their ineptitude is an open secret amongst parents and teachers—so I’m worried that they won’t do much for him once the depression starts and his grades slip. My goal is to figure out what to do to get his school to provide the counseling services he (and other kids) deserve.
If counseling were a reliably good treatment for depression and was available exclusively through schools, then you’d have a worthwhile fight on your hands. The movie version would win awards and you’d get your face on a dollar coin.
Unfortunately for your Oscar dreams, but fortunately for your son, the stakes for your battle aren’t nearly that high.
In reality, the help that almost all counseling provides is limited, and may have less to offer now that you and your son are knowledgeable about depression and can talk to one another about it. Your school’s counseling staff may be especially weak, but their legendary ineptitude need not get in your son’s way. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 29, 2014
When you’re about to knowingly get involved in an unpleasant situation—job evaluation meeting, lunch with in-laws, childbirth, etc.—it’s natural to mentally prepare yourself in order to make the experience slightly less awful. Sometimes, however, both options—expecting the worst or hoping for the best—can open you to more suffering. So don’t expect to find an antidote to the pain of disappointment, whether or not you can see it coming. Often, bearing it is the only way to carry on, whether that means getting through labor or maintaining flawed but important relationships.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: Just as we took a day off on Christmas Day, we’ll be off on January 1st. Here’s to a (mostly) happy and healthy New Year, and we’ll see you in 2015.
My brother drives me nuts, but the sad fact is that I drive myself nuts thinking about how much he’s going to bother me before he and his wife and kids even arrive for family get-togethers. It’s not unjustified; sometimes, he acts like a jerk, criticizes my life choices, and takes my things without asking. Still, in the week or so before I know I have to see him, I find myself imagining all the possible, horrible things he could do or say—some only vaguely possible—and I’m furious with him before he even arrives. Maybe I’m paranoid, or an angry person, but I wish I could stop before I lose my mind or stab my brother for something he hasn’t done. I can’t go through another Christmas like this one. My goal is to not let my brother bother me so much, in my mind and in real life.
Part of you can’t help but love your brother, even if you also hate him, and part of that part hates yourself for hating him so much, or thinking about how you hate him so much, while the rest of you hates thinking about the issue at all. He’s the conflict that just keeps on giving.
The one upside to your emotional clusterfuck of a relationship is that you know better than to attribute your conflict to a single issue that, if you could just talk it out or have a nice, healthy fistfight, would be finally over and done with. You can’t talk out a quagmire, or punch it out, either. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 15, 2014
As with nuclear waste, old hard drives and used take-out containers, there’s no clear way to dispose of unpleasant thoughts; some people feel like nasty feelings should be buried and ignored, and others that they must be purged and shared in order to be expunged. In actuality, feelings often aren’t unworthy even when they make you feel vaguely guilty, and don’t need airing even when they whine at the door and ask to be released. Before you decide whether your thoughts are hazmat grade, weigh them against your values and the consequences of self-expression. Often, you’ll find they don’t need to purged, just safely ignored.
–Dr. Lastname
After 25 years of happy marriage and three great kids together, I lost my wife to cancer two years ago. I think I’m ready to find another partner at this point, but I felt weird the other day when a co-worker suggested he set me up with a friend and I said I wasn’t ready. The truth is, I know a bit about her and, though she’s a nice person, she’s been struggling to find fulltime work for a few years now and there’s no way I could afford my current lifestyle if I had to support a partner. My goal is to figure out whether there’s something wrong with putting money ahead of love.
Having raised three kids and nursed a wife through cancer, you know that money isn’t the enemy of love— life is.
Life throws trouble at you, like medical problems and tuition, and love is what helps you give things their proper priority and makes you hurt when you can’t do as much as you’d like.
If you had no one to love in your life, and no better opportunity to find someone to share it with, then you might have good reason to sacrifice wealth and stability for a loving partnership. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 11, 2014
A doctor’s diagnosis may make a serious illness official, but talking about it with professionals and people you trust is what makes it real. That’s why admitting you’re seriously sick can be so hard; if you admit you’re ailing from something manageable but incurable, the illness might scare people away, but if you admit it and become obsessed, you might needlessly scare yourself. That’s why you have to consider carefully when it’s better to focus on your problem and make it public, and when it’s not. Talking about your problems might make them real, but not talking about them doesn’t make them disappear.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m perfectly healthy now, but I had a couple nervous breakdowns when I was eighteen and twenty, and I wonder whether I should tell my fiancée. I really don’t want to drive her away. I tried stopping my meds a month ago, to see if I’m really OK now, and I still feel great, so I wonder if I need to tell her about a problem that I may not have any more, now that I’m twenty-six and working full time in a profession. I exercise and eat right now, which I didn’t do then, and I’m really not a nut job. My goal is not to screw up a wonderful relationship by bringing up past events that may not matter any more.
It’s common for people who take medication for severe mental illness to decide they no longer need said meds once they start feeling better, and it’s not hard to understand why; it’s natural for someone who’s taking crazy pills to rationalize that sanity equals success.
After all, you wouldn’t keep wearing braces after your teeth got straight, or taking antibiotics after an infection cleared up. Especially if you felt your fiancée might leave you if she found out you once had a slight under-bite or athlete’s foot.
The difference, of course, is that medication is supposed to manage your symptoms, not make your brain better. That’s why stopping treatment can be so dangerous, because declarations of health can turn to hubris at a frightening speed. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
