Posted by fxckfeelings on October 25, 2012
Sometimes it’s healthier to be plagued by self-doubt than blessed by a sense of righteous self-certainty. Sure, self-doubt hurts, but it never has to stop you from making good decisions, just from feeling good about them. And while self-certainty is an amazingly good local anesthetic for self-doubt, it can also make you impervious to criticism or the input you need to make good moral choices. Take comfort then if you tend to question your decisions, because it’s better to feel doubt and think twice than to be too confident to think at all.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t make a decision without second-guessing myself a hundred times. Like, I recently decided to finally buy a classic car, which was being offered at a reasonable price (I’m a fan of the manufacturer, did my research, and have generally been planning this for a long time). When I found that someone else had offered the asking price, I put in a bid that was a good deal higher, and got it. Now I think the higher purchase price was justified, but I could have taken my time and tried to negotiate a lower price, and then I would have been more satisfied. I can’t stop thinking of what might have happened. I just wish I was more decisive and sure of myself.
There’s not much point in second-guessing your second-guessing tendencies unless you want to punish yourself for having a second-guessing-style mind, and that would be cruel (and confusing, since you’re fourth-guessing yourself at this point).
You may not like second-guessers, but here’s one truth you need to accept at face value; since you happen to be a chronic self-doubter, you’d better learn to be nice to them, because that’s what you have to live with. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 22, 2012
People often equate their freedom of speech with the freedom to spew, which is nothing other than the freedom to hurt themselves and others; on the other hand, exercising one’s freedom to stew and stay passive-aggressively silent isn’t much better. Rights come with responsibility, so even though you are entitled to open your mouth, you should shut up and think about consequences. Then, when you need to make an unpopular statement, you can do so with respect while protecting yourself from sounding and acting like a jerk. As the ol’ “Team America” song goes, “Freedom isn’t free,” but if the price is taking the time to consider the weight of your words, it’s worth the bill.
–Dr. Lastname
I think a father should be able to tell his son what he really thinks, so I let him know I wasn’t pleased about his not wanting to invite my sister to his wedding. I know he doesn’t particularly like her (he finds her pushy and inappropriate) and his fiancée likes her even less, but I need my sister to be there for me and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I’ve told by son I’m willing to pay for the extra plate if he’ll just do this for me, but he says I’ve always tried to control his life and he feels abused by my criticism. I don’t know how we can have a real relationship, though, if I don’t let him know when he makes me angry. My friends don’t have this problem with their kids. I don’t think it helps him to get away with being a jerk when I’ve supported him all his life and what I’m asking for isn’t such a big deal.
You’re not alone in having wedding-focused emotional needs that contradict common sense strategic goals—we’ve written before about how people foolishly think weddings have more to do with floral arrangements than a family’s future—but that doesn’t mean expressing those emotional needs, or emotions in general, isn’t a terrible idea.
Just to clarify, your strategic goal is to visit with your future grandchildren and keep your son’s marriage stable—and not by giving your son and his wife a common enemy they both hate more than they irritate one another (we’re not talking about your dear sis). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 18, 2012
Assessing one’s self-esteem is like checking for Puxatony Phil’s shadow on Groundhog Day; while we have a long tradition of caring about its status, the results are fairly meaningless. After all, some people with strong characters don’t like themselves because they don’t measure up to high standards, and other people are madder at life’s unfairness than they are at themselves and underperform, not because they don’t like themselves, but because they care more about feeling good than getting strong. And of course, sometimes, it’s just cloudy. In general, it’s better to have a strong character, even if makes you kick yourself, than to see yourself as a deserving, entitled victim in order to break out of the rut of bad decisions and get out of Puxatony once and for all.
–Dr. Lastname
My 14-year-old son seems to care about his schoolwork but he’s unusually stubborn (the psychiatrist says he has Asperger’s syndrome) and he never does his schoolwork the way his teachers want him to. When they ask him to show his work in Math, he refuses, but he often gets the answers right anyway, just without any proof. When they ask him to do a draft of an essay, he just won’t do it, but then the final version he writes at the last minute is fairly reasonable. My son always feels guilty and angry, both for not being understood and not being able to do it correctly, and I’m worried that they’re not teaching him right, in a way that caters to his specific needs. My goal is to get them to give him better help.
You’ve been trying for many years to get your son to show his Math work and finish his preliminary drafts on time, and it just doesn’t happen. He’s had many teachers work with him and no one has found the answer. You’ve made an effort, and after showing your work, it’s fair to conclude “the answer” doesn’t exist.
In addition, telling teachers they need to improve is bound to make things worse since they already have the government telling them they’re responsible for their class’ performance, regardless of what those kids and their families are like. Holding them accountable for not getting results—the “show your work” of the teaching world—isn’t quite fair since you know it’s an impossible job.
Once you add your own personal “no child left behind” intervention, don’t be surprised if the teachers start to find fault with both you and your son in order to defray blame. Whatever happens next, it won’t involve praise or more positive results for anyone. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 15, 2012
Many people think you shouldn’t leave a marriage until your feelings tell you you absolutely can’t stand it anymore. Given the fact, however, that marriage either impacts kids, your ability to have kids, or both, there are good reasons for leaving a marriage that have nothing to do with hurt feelings, failed love, and/or whatever your internal emotional barometer indicates. If you went into marriage thinking more in terms of partnership and less in terms of passion, you wouldn’t have to worry as much about how much you stand because you’d know what you should and shouldn’t stand, which means you’d know for certain if it’s really time to go.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m determined to leave my marriage because my husband has gone psycho on me twice, literally—he had to be hospitalized, and when the doctors told us he’s paranoid and has mood swings, he didn’t believe them. He doesn’t remember his violent outbursts, won’t get help, and thinks everything is my fault. So I’m about to have divorce papers served on him, and since that’s the last thing he wants (and he doesn’t even really understand what he’s done wrong), I feel bad about hurting him and creepy about not telling him in advance that this is going to happen. I can just hear him telling me that he loves me and we need to learn to communicate. At least I should explain to him that I can’t go on like this, living with someone who can get violent and crazy. My goal is to not hurt him unnecessarily or get his craziness stirred up.
Given the divorce rate, it would probably be a good idea to let marriage vows include some opt-out clauses, i.e., after “‘til death do us part,” insert “or ‘til one of us joins a cult, becomes a vegan, or goes totally psychotic” (“literally”).
Since your vows of eternal love were made at a time of boundless optimism (and no vow qualifications), now is the first time you’re forced to reconcile your moral and ethical priorities with the harsh unfairness of real life.
Given your husband’s issues, you have to ask yourself how much good you do by staying with someone who has lost the ability to benefit from your presence, and vice versa. Sure, you do benefit your husband as a financial provider or an anchor to whom he is greatly attached but cannot really recognize, but if you wanted a relationship like that, you wouldn’t have committed to a marriage, but to a cat. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 11, 2012
Most people feel it’s their duty to help a loved one in need, but that instinct gets problematic when said loved one does not instinctively react with appreciation, or even satisfaction. When that happens, it’s natural to get mad, stop giving, and then feel vaguely responsible for their subsequent misery (especially when they keep blaming you for it). In your mind and theirs, to give or not to give seems like an inevitable choice, but not if giving something actually helps nothing; if you stay focused on giving what you believe is truly helpful, rather than on what they ask for, you can give the people you care about what they actually need without going broke or being forced to be critical or to betray your basic, positive commitment. At that point, regardless of whether they feel hurt, deprived, or grateful, you can be confident you’re doing right by them, your instincts, and your bank account.
–Dr. Lastname
My friends tell me I’m an enabler because I continue to take care of my wife even though she’s got a bad oxy habit, refuses help, and uses my support to stay high. I understand what they’re saying, but they don’t understand what would happen if I put her out on the street. She doesn’t care what happens to her—she’ll go without eating, ignore the kids, have sex with dealers—anything to keep her supply going. I got her to treatment a few times, and even had her court-committed to a 90-day program, but she never really committed to it. If I confront her, she flips out. My friends say my kindness is killing her and preventing her from “hitting bottom,” which is the only way she’ll ever get motivated to recover. Meanwhile, I’m afraid of her becoming totally dependent on her dealers and winding up with HIV or dead in the street. My goal is to find the best way to help her.
While you and your friends are both right in fearing for your wife’s life, you’ve all got it wrong if you think that love, gentle or tough, will work to help her, or do anything but backfire.
As your friends say, she can misuse your support to stay addicted longer and harder, possibly killing herself. As you say, if you throw her out or confront her, she may well destroy herself to spite you and/or prove that there’s no bottom that doesn’t have a sub-basement.
It’s understandable that you’d make it your goal to help her, but your efforts have only been successful in proving it can’t be done). Instead, work to avoid hurting her and protecting yourself while preserving her access to help. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 8, 2012
Giving up on love is supposed to be a bad thing, but that’s in a world where love is always precious and beautiful, not potentially destructive and ugly. There are lots of things you love and can’t and/or shouldn’t have, and others that you can have but at an unacceptable price. The real achievement is not gaining what you love, but knowing when it’s not worth it and not losing faith entirely when you must give it up. Giving up on love isn’t always a bad thing, but giving up on delusional notions about love is always a good idea.
–Dr. Lastname
My boyfriend is a really nice guy, but for reasons that I don’t understand, I just don’t love him anymore. He says he wants us to be friends, and that’d be OK with me if he wasn’t obviously still in love with me. It’s always awkward, getting a call from him every day, and knowing he’s really waiting for my response when he emails me, that makes me very uncomfortable. If he comes by, I know he’s looking for signs that I’m seeing someone else. I know it bothers him if I tell him we can’t get together. He doesn’t press me, but I see the pain in his eyes. I feel guilty because I care about him and want to be friends, but I’d be a lot more comfortable not seeing him. I feel guilty about dumping him—he really doesn’t deserve it—but I can’t seem to find a way to stop hurting him, which is what my goal is.
One of the many risks of falling in love, besides in-laws and herpes, is falling for someone who doesn’t love you back. At that point, you technically have two choices—not seeing them, or seeing them and knowing they don’t love you—but really one option, and that is, to feel like absolute shit.
I assume you loved your boyfriend initially, so you’re not guilty of playing with his feelings, just ceasing to return them. That’s why it’s hard not to feel guilty and responsible for this impossibly painful situation, particularly if you’re former love-partner can’t let go and pleads with you for relief, not knowing he’s actually making himself feel worse (and dragging you down with him).
What you have to remember is that you didn’t write the book of love, so you’re not responsible for the way love’s bonds form and fracture. Knowing what you know, however, you are responsible for doing your best to protect yourself and others from getting hurt. That’s why you go slow in making or inviting commitment, and try not to let the thrill of falling in love or the excitement of sex determine your decisions. That’s also why you want to be a good friend to him, although the best way to do that is by cutting him off, at least for now.
Your boyfriend tells you that it hurts less if he gets to see you, but you know he’s saying that because of immediate need, not long-term vision. Trust your own observations as you ask yourself whether contact with you is doing more good than harm to either of you. Remember, the issue isn’t whether he feels much better after seeing you, but whether, with time, he shows signs of letting go and moving on. What you observe likely jibes with your experience of what usually happens; he’s hanging on, and continued contact prolongs his agony while providing temporary relief.
If that’s the case—and you must trust your own judgment in this—good friends say good-bye. Make it clear you’re not rejecting him or expressing anger or disrespect; you’re simply doing what you think is necessary and that you have more confidence in your own judgment in this situation than in his. He might get angry or hate you for a bit, and while being hated feels pretty bad, it’s the first step to getting over you, which is good for everyone.
It’s sad that you can’t protect him from hurt, but that’s not something you control or should feel guilty about. All you can do is manage the damage as well as you can and enjoy your two less-shitty choices; learning from this experience or falling in love again without a net, risking more guilt, herpes, or worse.
STATEMENT:
“I feel guilty denying friendship to a guy I’ve hurt for no good reason and like very much, but I know his feelings are too strong to allow us to be friends and that I’m the one who must force the break-up that will allow him to move on.”
I’ve had some success as an actor and I love acting, but I’m turning 40 and I haven’t been getting any callbacks recently. My wife is very supportive, and my day job isn’t bad, but we’re always short of cash and there really isn’t enough money for all the things our kids are starting to need. I’ve got to decide whether it’s worth continuing to try to do the work I love or give up and get serious about a “real life” career. It’s depressing, but my goal is to decide.
Never believe that graduation speech bullshit about how everyone is supposed to wind up doing a job they love; maybe that happens in some fair world, but not in this one. What that graduation bloviater should have said is that doing something you love for a living is wonderful, but it’s a treat that most people don’t get to experience, except sometimes and part-time.
Given that sad fact, of course you should have pursued the possibility of an acting career and done your best to get trained, prepare for auditions, and experience rejection as almost no non-performer ever experiences it…which appears to be what you did. As an actor-survivor, you must have balls of steel.
Your goal, however, is not to pursue acting till you drop; it’s to act if you can, while respecting your other priorities, which, in your case, include partnership and parenthood. It’s natural to define success in terms of acting—getting jobs/paid, critical acclaim, and the pleasure of doing it—but it’s a much more significant success, (as well as being more frustrating and painful), to balance the pull and obsession of an acting career with your other priorities and make the compromises that fit with your values.
You’re asking yourself the right questions and now it’s time to weigh your options. On the one hand, add up your love for acting, and on the other hand, the likelihood of its providing you with a living, the time to be a parent, and your own needs for other things, like security and vacations. At some point, if time is running out and your acting prospects aren’t too hot, the time for tough decisions arrives.
Don’t scare yourself by saying “that’s the death of my dream,” or, “now I have to admit to myself that I’ve failed.” Your feelings may feed that kind of negative spiral, but your job is to know better and remind yourself that you have more than one dream, that you’ve done your best to pursue them all, and that the only control you have in life, other than trying your best, is to make hard choices realistically. That may not be how fan magazines or graduation speakers define success, but that’s the grown-up definition.
STATEMENT:
“I hate backing away from acting and I’m scared that will be the end of my career, but life is short, money is tight, and I’ve got other priorities. What makes me a responsible parent and partner is that I’m ready to make tough decisions and, if they hurt, I can take it.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 4, 2012
While we’re taught by our elders that sex is the greatest way a man can express his love and admiration for a woman (and only after marriage), experience teaches us that attraction can be fairly impersonal, based less on who you are than where you are, what your hair color is, and if you say yes. It’s odd then that people struggle to accept that a lack of attraction can be equally impersonal, even in a marriage, and that there are limits to how much it can be influenced by talk, wine, and roses. The fact is that there’s much about interpersonal sexual chemistry that you and your partner will never control, so doing your best to bridge the gap is the best defense you will ever have against doubt, blame, and feelings of failure. Losing sex can hurt, but if you know it’s not your fault, it doesn’t have to ruin your relationship or your self-confidence. Sex is impersonal, but commitment isn’t.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband and I went to couples therapy a few years ago, but it left me with a lingering feeling of bitterness towards him that I had never felt before. I know I tended to ignore him when we were busy raising the kids, and I understood he felt aggrieved that things didn’t get better when the nest emptied out. So I tried hard, at the urging of our couples therapist, to make time for him and try to touch him and give him pleasure in bed. What left me bitter was the way he responded (i.e., he didn’t). No matter how hard I tried, nothing I did was enough, so I gave up. I’m not going to leave him because I like our family life, I’m looking forward to retirement, I have lots of interests, and I don’t want to complicate life with a divorce. I wouldn’t have sex with him now, however, if he begged. My goal is not to get hurt again.
Hurt feelings can make one half of a married couple withdraw from the other, which can just cause more hurt feelings, etc., etc. Structured re-engagement via therapy can sometimes stop that cycle, providing that a couple still has love and effort to give. Then again, that re-engagement effort can also reveal that love has left the building or, as in your case, is stuck in a revolving door.
For your own peace of mind, you did the right thing trying to repair your relationship, regardless of whether it led to disappointment. Unfortunately, one of the things you can’t control is your husband’s emotional and sexual response, and while therapy was supposed to bring you together, it instead gave you a reality check. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 1, 2012
Most humans instinctively avoid conflict—in the face of hostility, our reflex is to stay out of it, hit the deck, or make a run for it, except when we’re dealing with family, when it’s much harder to escape. That’s when we feel obliged to wheel, deal, and peace-make until the situation becomes bearable. Unfortunately, if the source of conflict can’t be quelled or appeased, trying to make peace usually makes things worse. So, until you can figure out whether you’re responsible for breaking or making the peace, give up on finding a resolution and go back to staying both out of it and true to doing what’s right.
–Dr. Lastname
I understand why my grown son wants to rest up at my place for a week before letting his mother know that he has returned home after working abroad for a couple of years—my ex-wife is sticky, needy and manipulative, which is why she’s my ex—but I’m afraid she’ll blame me for keeping our son away from her, even though it’s his choice. So my goal is to figure out how to get my son to stop feeding his mother’s paranoia about me, which will get her complaining to our other kids, who will blame me. I wish I could get this conflict to stop.
Before worrying about your ex’s tendency to blame you for things that aren’t your responsibility, ask yourself what, as a matter of principle, you think your son’s responsibilities are.
If your son’s mother wasn’t so eager to cast blame, you would probably say that he should keep her informed as a matter of showing respect and letting her know that he cares. He doesn’t owe her an explanation for which parent he chooses to see first (when your parents are divorced, you can’t stay with both), but after two years away, waiting to contact his mother for a week would be hurtful to her or any parent, even those who don’t dispense guilt with glee. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 24, 2012
Coping with the mental illness of a family member can be agonizing, and when you can’t stop destructive behavior, it feels like defeat. Trying to defeat the symptoms of mental illness, however, is like trying to win a war on weight-gain or terror—difficult, endless, and resulting in gains that are easily lost. If you learn to accept setbacks as part of the process, rather than attack them as tests of your love and will, you’ll do more to sustain morale, including yours and your family’s. Take pride in your willingness to endure a difficult, painful, and sometimes frightening relationship; you won’t win or lose a war, but you’ll gain peace.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve got an adult daughter whom I know is mentally ill—she thinks people are plotting against her, including her very nice husband—and, for the last few years, without my own husband’s help, I’ve desperately tried to persuade her to get treatment before her marriage fell apart and she got arrested for doing something violent and stupid. The harder I tried, however, the more she suspected I was part of the conspiracy. There was a ray of hope 6 months ago when she had a screaming fit one night and got locked up in a mental hospital, but the medication made no difference, and she came out more certain than ever that her husband was her worst enemy, so she left him. My husband says I’m part of the problem because I never take my daughter’s side, but my goal is to restore her to sanity, and I know my husband is in fantasyland if he thinks she’s sane and has a “side” based in reality. I’m getting nowhere, though, and my own marriage is under pressure. What do I do now?
Unfortunately, while there is no surefire cure for paranoia, pushing a paranoid person to get help is a reliable way to make it worse. After all, if somebody thinks the world is against them, disagreeing with that person only confirms their delusions. Call it the paranoia-dox.
If your daughter’s paranoia can’t be helped—and it seems you’ve tried very hard to help her—then I’m sorry, but your husband has the right idea, even if it’s for the wrong reason. By not challenging her feelings of being victimized, your husband avoids the paranoia-dox, which makes it an approach worth trying. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 20, 2012
As feelings go, guilt has as much to do with crime as love has to do with partnership; both are strong feelings that can get triggered by instant, mysterious neurologic responses, regardless of our individual beliefs about right, wrong, and what’s good for us. So, just as you shouldn’t decide someone is your soul-mate after two drinks, don’t immediately assume it’s your job to atone and/or feel better if someone’s look or tone of voice triggers feelings of guilt. Learn to tolerate that guilt until you’ve had a chance to consult your beliefs and judge for yourself. Otherwise you’ll find yourself trapped in a doomed committed relationship, whether it’s one of romance or repentance.
–Dr. Lastname
While I usually spend weekends visiting my father at his beach house in the summer, I stayed away this year because he told me he wanted to have a private talk with me, which historically means giving me a lecture on how much I’ve disappointed him. I’ve put up with it in the past, but I’m sick of hearing it and fighting with him, so avoiding him just seemed smarter. I think it was a good idea to stay away, but now, whenever I call him to check in and be pleasant, he acts as if he’s too injured and disappointed to continue the conversation for more than a minute or two, which makes me feel guilty. I want to explain to him that I can’t see him because I want to avoid a negative conversation. My goal is to stop feeling so bad about doing a good thing.
Every guilt trip requires a traveling companion, and that doesn’t include the person who sent you off on your journey of remorse with a scornful “bon voyage.”
You’re actually accompanied by an internal collaborator, a side of your personality that kicks in reflexively, obediently, and without question to zap you with instant guilt for the sin of failing to make someone happy, regardless of said someone’s jerky behavior, or your being innocent.
Most of us have such a collaborator living in our brains, and some of those collaborators are easily triggered by a dirty look from anyone, be they parents or strangers. Companions like these aren’t so much guilt-trippers as guilt jet-setters, and it takes a constant effort to keep them, and you, feeling grounded and at home with your own decisions. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
