Posted by fxckfeelings on September 19, 2011
The purpose of life is not to be found in human connectedness, or at least not the kind that arises from the instant sharing of feelings, food, and/or bodily fluids. RomComs, pop songs and almost every advice source might tell you otherwise, but there’s no reason for people who don’t connect easily to feel or be excluded from the human race. Whether you’re attachment-impaired or dealing with someone who doesn’t know a relationship from a turnip, your job is to build relationships according to your own standards, in your own way. Even if you don’t share, you can still care.
–Dr. Lastname
Even in my 40s, I carry a lot of baggage/resentment from my upbringing. I was born in a foreign country and adopted by an older couple who had already raised two of their own kids before deciding to adopt. They were worn out, emotionally distant–my Mother suffered severe depression—so it was a quiet, lonely, and undirected childhood. I’ve since created what most days feels like a good life but working in a very competitive field, I feel like it can all be taken away from me in a flash (and, like most people since the economy collapsed, I’ve been laid off a number of times). I’ve always managed to find work, but I can’t help but think my shy and quiet demeanor has a lot to do with ending up on the chopping block; slipping through the cracks has been the recurring theme of my life. On some level I know I suffer from attachment disorder–connecting with others has always been a challenge and making idle chit-chat with co-workers and “bragging” about my accomplishments takes extreme effort—but moving forward I’d like to feel more connected to people I work with and form stronger relationships and friendships in my life. I think it would be good for my career and my overall being. How do I make that happen?
Before plumbing your personal history for the cause of your isolation, examining its impact on your resume, or trying to increase your degree of connectedness to other people, there’s a much simpler first step—asking yourself why you’re doing all this in the first place.
You’re not saying you’re lonely or that you wish to be closer to a particular friend or family member, just that, if you were more connected to others in a general, categorical way, you would be less disposable and less easily fired. That may be true.
On the other hand, you’re also saying that your lack of connectedness, like your mother’s lack of connection with you, represents a kind of failure that makes life less meaningful. That’s just plain false. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 15, 2011
As diseases go, mental illness is a doozy to treat; some mentally ill people are too humiliated to ask for help, and others are too crazy to ask. If you want to help them (or yourself), keep in mind that it’s the illness, stupid, which distorts the attitude towards treatment. Use the same logic and moral values for mental health treatment decisions that you would use for other illnesses; there’s nothing humiliating about getting sick, no matter what a sick brain decides.
–Dr. Lastname
I have been wrestling with depression for years now and my maternal side of the family has a history of depression and suicide. I don’t feel that I can do this on my own anymore and need help. I don’t want to just take a medical cocktail of antidepressants. My question to you is how do I go about finding a therapist and/or doctor that will be most helpful to me.
The first step for getting treatment for your depression seems simple– don’t get depressed about treatment for depression. After all, depression’s just another form of pain unless it twists your thoughts into thinking that not getting rid of it is a kind of failure that marks a meaningless life.
As long as you realize depression is a persistent ailment, just like persistent back pain or diabetes, you’ll have an easy time making treatment decisions because you won’t regard using treatment as evidence of weakness. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 12, 2011
When it comes to the doorway of self-respect, some people are doormats while others are battering rams. The key (pun intended) to respecting yourself is being sensible about assigning blame; not everything is your fault, not every person can be helped, and no insult is worth taking to heart. So instead of allowing yourself to be stepped on or administer punishment, judge yourself fairly and stand firm.
–Dr. Lastname
My best friend and I got together after 9 years of friendship. A couple of years before we got together, I was with a guy that my best friend absolutely hates and also works quite closely with. My friend and I love each other immensely, but after only six months it was all over and done with; his trust and jealousy issues got the better of him in our relationship even though there was no basis for it, and he called it off as he knows that won’t change about himself. While he loves me, he wants us to be in each other’s lives forever so broke it off. I thought it was something we could work on so never really gave up hope that he would return. We finally had a proper talk about all of it, however, and now I get that he is never coming back to me, but I still don’t know how to reconcile that. How can he give up on himself and his chance of love, and how do I stop beating myself up over the guilt I feel for being with that previous guy, when all that goes through my head is that had I not done that, we could still be together? I feel like I ruined what could have been the best thing in my life and don’t really know how to move on, especially when all I want is for him to have a main role in my life. How do I separate my friendship and feelings? How do I stop hating myself for what I’ve done?
Many people hate themselves whenever something goes wrong, picking apart everything they might have done different, from bringing an umbrella to not swinging on a pitch that was down in the dirt.
As long as you don’t think too hard, there’s no difference between could have and should have, leaving you with heaps of regret (along with ruined shoes and/or play-off chances). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 8, 2011
Funny thing about fuck-ups—“fucking up,” despite being their specialty, is their least favorite topic of conversation, probably because they haven’t joined the honorable brotherhood of fuck-ups by choice. I know, life is supposed to be all about choices, but it’s actually about the choices you make about the things you have no choice about. Assume that most people don’t like to fuck up, figure out what their limitations are, and your conversations will become fuck-up-free.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t understand why my colleague has become such a sloppy teacher. She’s smart and well-trained and relates well to people, but it’s become common knowledge in our department that the kids don’t like her and complain that her classes are disorganized and have very little content. Maybe she’s decided that her part-time sales job is more important than teaching because it makes her more money. My goal, if she’s really decided that teaching isn’t important, is to avoid discussing the subject with her and talk about other things when we hang out. Does this make sense?
People always interpret one another’s inexplicable actions as if they’re the result of choice, rather than, well, inexplicable. The reason they call them stupid decisions is because intelligent forethought was never part of the equation.
It’s upsetting to see your friend and colleague do a bad job, so you assume she’s doing it because she chose to commit her time elsewhere, where the money is. Sadly, you’re probably inflating her grade. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 28, 2011
If we’re to believe the common wisdom that self-esteem is as important to the human body as insulin, white blood cells, and limbs, then it’s important to remember that too much is a bad thing. True, too little is the one that hurts in the short run, but too much can lead to bad decisions that can be just as harmful as diabetes. What’s important is to manage the self-esteem you’ve got so it doesn’t make you a wimp or a jerk. Maintain a healthy balance, because you need too much self-confidence like you need that extra arm.
–Dr. Lastname
I constantly feel inadequate, though I am socially quite confident and easy-going. I have always been a worrier, and someone that seeks approval from others—mainly because of the relationship I have with my parents, where praise is hard to come by. Ever since graduating (a year ago),my confidence seems to have hit rock bottom. I became very disheartened by the whole application process, and felt like I became reduced to a series of bullet points. As a result, the many rejection emails I received were crushing. I have since found a job I generally enjoy, but cannot shake a feeling of anxiety. I constantly worry that I’m being a bad employee, friend, daughter. I worry about money, about the fact I don’t meet guys that I can make a relationship work with…When a guy I was dating recently treated me undeniably badly, I still found myself questioning my own behavior, worrying it was my fault. I want to make plans for the future, but keep finding reasons why my ambitions will be impossible to achieve. How can I stop giving myself such a hard time, and take my future by the horns?
Yes, there are people who are optimistic, happy, and full of confidence, and their optimism often generates its own good results and gets everyone, including advice-givers, worshiping the “groove” they’re in and telling you how to get it.
What they don’t tell you is that the groove is overvalued; sooner or later, life sucks, and when it does, it won’t shake you nearly as much as someone who has never experienced self-doubt and thinks they’ve got the world by the tail. So one thing you can be optimistic about is that you’re prepared for disaster.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 14, 2011
Some of us have demons inside, whether we like it or not, for reasons that are always unfair and usually inexplicable. You don’t have to be Buffy to know what demons are like-—full of hate, need, and the power to make you do things that hurt others and yourself. Absent Buffy or a neighborhood exorcist, you’ve got to learn to live with your demon if you have one (or more) sharing your body, and the best way to begin is to remember who you are and what you care about, other than the immediate satisfaction the demon demands. Then you can reach out to other demon-fighters, whom you’ll find are more numerous, available, and courageous than you would ever have imagined when you were fighting your demon alone.
–Dr. Lastname
I discovered this site after reading Emma Forrest’s book, “Your Voice In My Head” [fxckfeelings.com was cited in the acknowledgments –Dr. Lastname]. I am very young (in high school) and have suffered from anorexia/bulimia for 3 years. I never had a calm childhood, and after being obese I lost half of my body weight through anorexia within half a year, but I gained all of it back by bingeing in not even a few months. I feel like I was not even strong enough to ”stay anorexic’,’ so I became bulimic. Everyday I wake up thinking about how I should die or how long I can keep living with myself, because I despise who I am, and it is becoming unbearable. I truly believe I will never see the light at the end of the tunnel, I will never get out of this and will spend the rest of my life with an eating disorder which has ruined my life. I have no more strength to keep fighting, I have had enough, enough of life. Please help, I am ready to hear anything.
As mental illnesses go, eating disorders are the most parasitic; they literally consume their host in order to thrive, but instead of demanding more food, they feed upon your body and self-worth.
Instead of having a moderate, healthy awareness of your own attractiveness, you’re dealing with a leech that is rarely satisfied with how you look and more often intensely disgusted with the ways you fall short. It would rather wipe you out than live with you ugly (and it always thinks you’re ugly). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 23, 2011
If treatments were always beneficial, and people were always rational, and life was always fair, it would be easy to figure out how much help a person needs. Unfortunately, treatments often poop out, and people often embrace or reject treatment for the wrong, often irrational, reasons, and life is just a cruel mess. So deciding how much real, imperfect treatment to use in real, imperfect situations requires courage, acceptance of your limitations (and those of treatment), and the conviction to tell the unfairness of the world to go fuck itself, you’re going to keep trying, anyway.
–Dr. Lastname
Although I’m usually a big fan and praise your blog endlessly, this recent post [“Helping Head,” 6/17/11] isn’t a “like.” Eating disorders are treatable to full remission. In fact, the pervasive idea out there that people just struggle endlessly and that treatment doesn’t really work is self-fulfilling and even dangerous. Please consider re-considering. There’s new science on this!
Without irony, I can say that treatment for eating disorders is effective. In other words, I agree with you, except that the word “effective” has a hook in it.
“Effective” is the word most favored by drug companies because it implies no guarantees, solutions or cures, just that the treatment in question produces results that are better than no treatment at all.
Unfortunately, it does not mean completely effective, or effective for everyone, all the time. (And it also may cause dry mouth, constipation, etc., etc.). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 20, 2011
Common wisdom says to react to disrespect by “standing up for yourself,” but the phrase “common wisdom” itself is usually an oxymoron. After all, no matter how personal it feels to be slighted, most victims of disrespect aren’t chosen for personal reasons, but because they happen to be the closest person to someone who’s wired to act like a jerk. If you push for an apology, bouquet, animal sacrifice, whatever, the problem that caused it won’t go away. Take time to know what you want from a relationship and why you’re there, and disrespect will matter less. What will matter more is the value of your own conduct, which, while not putting a premium on whether you stand up for yourself, does mean holding your head high.
–Dr. Lastname
Well, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years, and during our third year I got into his Facebook account and saw that he’d cheated on me by talking online with girls saying he loved them. I walked away for about 4 months. He tried everything to get me back and after he showed me he changed I thought I should give it one last chance since he is my first everything. I’m trying to move past this but I feel there is something inside me that wants to explode every time I am with him. What advice can you give me to forget this incident or should I not forget?
You’ve given this guy one more chance because he’s your “first everything,” which is understandable. At this point, however, he’s also your first lesson in how character, unlike love, is forever.
He didn’t do this to hurt or disrespect you, because that would imply he thought his actions through before taking them. Instead, he acted on his very flawed set of instincts, which is what brings his character into question. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 16, 2011
It doesn’t seem mean or destructive to be convinced you or someone else needs help, but the trouble happens when there’s good reason to believe there is no help to be found, at least none of the kind you want. That’s when seeking can become as futile as the search for the Holy Grail, except nastier, sadder, and with more damage than a flesh wound. Giving up is often a significant act of kindness, and the first step to getting or giving a different, better kind of assistance, with or without nerdy references.
–Dr. Lastname
I have a friend who has a history of being diagnosed with depression, self-mutilation and, recently, suicidal thoughts. She was forced to seek treatment with a counselor in HS (now 24-years-old) whom she said was no help, and now she says she won’t ever seek treatment again because it won’t help her. She acknowledges she has issues that need addressing, but she doesn’t believe in mental illness diagnoses, states she just needs to “deal” with it. However, all we talk about is how much she hates her life, hates feeling this way but isn’t willing to do anything about it. I’ve told her she’s an adult, and makes her own decisions and no one can force her to do anything, but I’ve been very honest with my concerns about her, and that she needs help. I don’t want to treat her with kid gloves or enable her but I also don’t know how much I can push her, since I know its her mental illness that’s clouding her view of the world/reality. How can I continue to be a good friend without beating my head into a wall and enabling her?
For many people, “help” and “cure” have become interchangeable words, as if good motivation and proper treatment will always make things better (tell that to the common cold).
Sadly, the help your friend needs, just like a cure for what ails her, may or may not exist, depending on her luck, the severity of her issues and whether she sees them as hers or just a reaction to other people. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 9, 2011
Nuclear meltdowns may poison the air and water for miles around, but, in terms of actual damage done, love is probably the greater environmental hazard because it affects more people, gives no warning, and can’t be doused by heavy water. We should give kids courses on “duck and cover” before exposing them to the seduction of dreamy romances, but until then, there are some ways to avoid the fall out. It’s not easy building a hazmat suit, but there are ways to do it if you still have possession of your personality after the exposure is over.
–Dr. Lastname
A year and a half ago, my ex-fiancé died suddenly from a heart attack. He was 38. We had broken up a year earlier, and it was a very messy break-up. He called my boss at work and told her I was trying to have her fired so I could steal her job, I walked away from most of my personal belongings when I moved out, and I walked away from my savings because we had a joint bank account. I went to the funeral and found out that while we were planning our wedding he was pursuing on-line long-distance relationships as well as inappropriate relationships with women in our city. A letter from one of the long-distance women was read out at the funeral. I can’t move past this. I have been dating a man for about 3 months now and he’s wonderful. I have a really hard time thinking positively, and every time we have an argument I think ‘worst case scenario’—that he will leave me. How can I think more positively?
First, begin with the idea that love is dangerous and some people are more vulnerable than others. We’ve called love a virus before, and sadly, your emotional immune system is impaired.
People love to say it’s important to “follow your heart,” but for people like you, that can be deadly; after all, those same people might say that “love is blind,” and when you’re helpless to love, following your blinded heart can lead you right off a cliff. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
