Posted by fxckfeelings on May 7, 2012
Particularly when you’re expecting to raise kids, there are good reasons to commit yourself to caring for your partner through thick and thin, sickness and health. What you should recognize from the beginning, however, is that uncontrollable, bad things can happen that can make a partnership dangerous and destructive to one or more family members and then it’s your responsibility, as an individual, to do what’s necessary. Mental and neurologic illness can change personalities and create overwhelming burdens. Unrecognized character problems are equally uncontrollable and can have a similar impact. When you take your vows, keep this in mind and remember, many people who divorce are trying to choose the least of the evils that face them and haven’t forgotten the promises they made.
–Dr. Lastname (Doctor only today– the writer half is under the weather)
When I was manic and crazy, I really fucked up my marriage. For 6 months, I was talking fast, flinging money around, drinking hard, sleeping with anyone I could catch, and generally acting like an asshole. The third time I went into the hospital, the doctors found a medication that worked and, since then, I’m back to my old self but my wife has decided it’s all over. She goes out without me whenever she can and acts like she’s angry whenever we’re together. I can understand her feelings, but she won’t accept my apology. For the last 6 months, I’ve shown her my old, reliable self, but I can’t win back her trust. The problem is my bad; I should be able to make it right.
We all want marital vows to overcome whatever bad things life throws at us, and so we promise to care for our partners through thick and thin, unconditionally.
What’s stupid about such promises, however, is that some of those bad things are the size of an asteroid and can wipe out any marriage, regardless of how strong the love and commitment, and feeling obliged to stick with vows that have no escape clauses can drive you crazy.
Yes, your wife should forgive you for having a manic episode: you couldn’t help it and the part you can help—taking your medication—you’re doing well. It takes courage to resume your life and face the people you know after the humiliation and chaos of acting like a crazy jerk.
The sad thing that can’t be helped isn’t your illness; it’s your wife’s reaction to it. I assume you and others have done all you can to educate her about it and you’ve had a good opportunity to show her what your values are and regain her confidence, now that you’re well again. If it hasn’t worked, it’s not because there’s something wrong with your approach: it’s probably because there’s something wrong with your wife’s character. She just doesn’t have the strength.
Look at her closely, and you’ll probably find she’s never had the strength, meaning that she’s never been able to keep a relationship going if it hurt her too much. That’s why it’s important, when looking for a partner, to find someone who’s shown an ability to stick by her friends and family regardless of hurt. It’s a quality that’s even more important than the fact that you love one another. Without it, you’re fucked. Now you know.
So don’t make yourself responsible for her reaction, as sad as it is. You didn’t cause your illness or give her the character she has. Don’t apologize. Don’t beg. Let her know you understand your illness put her through a very hard time, but that you’re confident that you’ve recovered and that you can again be a good partner. Maybe surviving this hard time has made you stronger and wiser. In any case, if she still wants the partnership, it’s hers; if not, you both need to move on.
You need someone strong who can still love you after a manic episode, and she needs someone lucky who doesn’t get sick.
STATEMENT:
“I feel like I destroyed my marriage and it’s my job to get it back, but I know I didn’t cause my illness, and I’m proud of the way I manage it. I can’t help it if my wife can’t tolerate it, but I know I need a wife who can.”
After her last hospitalization a year ago, my wife didn’t recover all that much, and she’s gradually become very different from the woman I married. Her psychiatrists tell me there’s no new treatment to try (she didn’t tolerate clozapine, which is the Hail Mary treatment for crazy thinking) and she’s probably not going to recover much more than she has now. She’s able to keep herself clean, but she still hears voices, looks befuddled, and thinks I’m spying on her for the FBI. She can do simple chores, but she’s very distractible. Most nights, she sleeps at her mother’s house because that’s where she’s most comfortable. I’ve got used to taking care of the kids on my own, and I can’t trust her with them when she’s around. I miss her terribly and I promised to stand by her in sickness and health, but I don’t know that I can stand this much longer. I feel bad about deserting her when she really can’t help it, but taking care of her and the kids is more than I can manage.
You sound like you’ve done all you can to help your wife recover from severe mental illness and it isn’t going to happen. Instead of blaming yourself or anyone else for her failed recovery, you’re facing it as a sad fact of life. What troubles you most is dealing with your marital vows to stick together through sickness and health.
Marital vows ignore the fact that some illnesses can destroy a family and present you with impossible choices. Most times, sticking together is manageable, better than the alternative, good for the kids, and the right thing to do. It’s not hard to imagine situations, however, when sticking with someone does no good for them, destroys your life, and is bad for the kids. No one likes to think of those things at a wedding, or ever.
Put aside your guilt long enough to ask yourself what she would expect of you if she were her old self and what you would expect of her if your positions were reversed. Assume that you both believe in standing by the one you love, but not if it does no good, or overwhelms the resources of the healthy partner, or endangers the kids and their future. Assess the impact she has on them and they on her. Take into account that she probably qualifies for social security/disability and may also be eligible for state services for the chronically mentally ill.
Don’t assume that the path that hurts most is the one that’s right. This is not a conflict between duty and pleasure or between selfless vows and selfishness. It’s a conflict between your responsibility to care for your wife and your assessment of the value of your sacrifice, the good it can do, and the harm it can cause to your other responsibilities.
Either way, it breaks your heart, but you have an administrative responsibility as the sole leader of the family and you need to do what will do the most good/least harm. Whatever you choose, respect yourself for bearing the burden of this choice.
STATEMENT:
“I feel like I can’t leave my marriage without breaking my vows and deserting my wife when she needs me most. I can’t help the fact that she’s no longer the same person and doesn’t get much from being married to me. I’ll try to weigh the competing ethical responsibilities and do the right thing, knowing there’s no way to do right without also causing harm.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 26, 2012
When your love life hasn’t gone according to plan, leaving you with disappointment instead of devotion, it’s hard not to feel like a failure. The fact is, however, that love is bad luck’s favorite target, even when you do everything right, and that you can have a successful life without a successful marriage. So don’t take it personally if the picture isn’t pretty, and don’t be surprised if your love life is more punishing than pleasant. If you can muster up enough courage and perspective, you can avoid pointless regret and rate yourself according to what you’ve done with love, not what love has done with you.
–Dr. Lastname
I wish I knew why I do so little with my social life. After working hard all day at my own business, having dinner, and then talking on the phone with my grown kids, I just go to bed. I work on Saturday, then do nothing on Sunday. I’ve got some good friends, but they’re married and I’m divorced, so it’s hard to hang out. I’m not lonely, exactly, but I wish I had a steady guy or at least was going out on dates, but I have no desire or energy to meet new people, so, aside from my work (which I do well) and immediate family, I’m not interested in leaving my home. I know I should be putting myself out there if I want a partner, but I can’t seem to care.
If you wonder why you’re not as energetic and active as you used to be, one reason is that you’re old, or at least not young, so you don’t have infinite energy or optimism. You know your time is limited—both day-to-day and on earth in general—so it’s harder to waste it on something you’re not enthusiastic about.
From what you’ve said, however, your schedule seems full by any age standard; you work all day and keep in good touch with your family, so you’ve got good reason to be tired. Your time is well spent, so you feel spent, as well.
I assume you’d say if you were depressed or too disorganized to do anything but work. The leading possibility for your solitude then is that you’re tired and haven’t given yourself a good reason to go dating, and one should only date if there’s a good reason. Otherwise, HBO would make for a better companion. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 19, 2012
Everyone knows how hard it is to find someone to love who will love you back for who you really are, but few people acknowledge how much they’re willing to hide themselves in order to make a one-sided relationship seem reciprocal. If the person you’re with can’t deal with your faults, you shouldn’t make yourself deal with trying to be faultless. Better to end something with Mr. Right and be alone than stay with someone who thinks you’re just Ms. Meh.
–Dr. Lastname
I lost the love of my life by hanging on to her too hard, and now I’m trying to let go in order to get her back. We had a good relationship for 2 years and I was always able to ignore the fact that she didn’t love me the way I loved her, even though she sometimes shoved me to the periphery of her life. We spent lots of time together because we shared common interests, and I should have been content with that. Instead, I lost control one night and told her how angry I felt, and she said it’s over because she didn’t want more drama in her life. Now, when I run into her, I try to be friendly but distant, because I know that any reaching out will cause her to back off. My goal is to get her back, and I wonder whether there’s anything else I can do.
It’s relatively easy to get love started, but it’s much harder to sustain it, and even harder to survive it.
That’s because there are lots of ways to control initial attractiveness, from a slick haircut to an arsenal of clever pick-up lines. Once chemistry is established, however, no haircut can contain or control it. Even couples therapists have the same divorce rate as the rest of us. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 12, 2012
The problem with most of our methods for rating ourselves is their reliance on feelings; the pleasure of doing things perfectly, or the satisfaction of beating the other guy and pleasing your parents or the pain of being disrespected by the community because of who your parents are. Naturally, these feelings are often false, since we tend to feel good for the wrong reasons or can’t feel good because of reasons we don’t control. So, instead of letting emotions dictate when you’ve succeeded or failed, consult your values and judge yourself the way you’d judge anyone else. You can’t make feelings of failure go away, but when they try to lead you to negative conclusions, you don’t have to follow.
–Dr. Lastname
Compared to my father, I’ve failed to achieve much in life. He inherited a lot of money, doubled it, and was well respected as a banker and business consultant. Sure, he was also a jerk who was unbelievably nasty with everyone at home, but that’s another story. He still made sure I got a great education and went to business school, which he never did. I was fantastically lucky with my wife and kids and I worked hard, but I never came close to his success. Forty years later, I’ve barely got enough money to retire and I can’t help my grandchildren with graduate school. People think of me as a nice guy but not as an impressive businessman and I leave no great fortune to the next generation. How do I live with the fact that I’ve failed?
Somewhere in the human brain, somewhere near the mammal brain and the lizard brain, is the lesser-known marine brain. It’s the part that makes us, like fish in a school, define how we’re doing by where everyone else is.
There’s no shame in it, but there’s no reason to listen to it, either.
In the more advanced parts of your brain you’ll find your values, and they’re worth reviewing first, not just in order to be a good person, but to develop standards that protect you from being too fishy and comparing yourself to friends and family. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 8, 2012
On the pie chart of what goes into a healthy relationship, sex should never be the biggest slice; that’s putting the most emphasis on the one element of a relationship over which people have the least control. Besides, the fact that it can ignite all your circuits or trigger vast yearnings doesn’t mean it will find you, or make you, a good long-term partner. If your partner is loyal, caring, and reliable, then how frequently you get a piece shouldn’t take the biggest piece of the pie.
–Dr. Lastname
My 34-year-old husband is a wonderful, sexy, kind, sensitive, clever man. Fourteen years ago, however, he had a severe meth addiction that got him in jail. After ten years sober, he started drinking a few years ago, but, having worked in the addiction field, I don’t think the drinking is an issue at all, though I do think the meth has really screwed with this head. What he does have an issue with is intimacy and sex. We have a wonderful relationship so we’ve talked extensively about the problems we have—erectile dysfunction. He says that the meth fucked with his head sexually, and that it made it very difficult for him to have “normal,” i.e., non-aggressive sex. Before me, he found sex fine with women he was not emotionally connected with, but as soon as feelings came in, the sex became more difficult. Early in our relationship, sex wasn’t an issue, but as soon as we got engaged, and then married—it became very difficult. He’s warm and loving, and doesn’t want to be ‘aggressive’ with me, which means he can rarely get it up. We kiss and touch a lot, but it’s getting harder and harder to deal with; I feel rejected, he doesn’t feel like a good husband or a ‘real’ man, though I tell him every day how much I love him. When we do manage to have sex, it’s beautiful, but he rarely comes, and is rarely hard all the way through, and it’s infrequent. I definitely think it’s a psychological issue, and so does he. He talks about feeling massive anxiety and pressure that he will lose me, and this makes the problem worse. It seems this combination of our (new) marriage, his lousy job, and his past is putting a huge psychological pressure on him. I’m not sure what to do—do we go to therapy together? Him alone? What kind of therapist? How do I deal with this? I’ve been endlessly patient, I’ve snapped and lost my temper, I’ve reassured him, I’ve cried. I love him so much and I want to help him and us, and also make sure that I deal with it right.
The trouble with trying to fix sexuality by understanding its psychological underpinnings is that it turns an inability to perform into a personal failure. As we always say, figuring why something’s wrong isn’t the same as figuring out how to make it right.
Sex aside, you get along well with your husband, who seems like a hardworking guy with the strength of character to stick with a job he doesn’t like and stay off drugs. You feel respect and affection for one another. So far, so good.
In other words, you have a good marriage, even if he doesn’t have a lot of orgasms. Your relationship has the important stuff, so don’t give sex any more importance than necessary. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 6, 2012
Mental pain is like the check-engine light on your car; it tells you something’s wrong, but doesn’t specify what, so it could be anything from an impending engine fire to a stupid broken check-engine light. So, when communication is painful, don’t assume you need a new communicator, and when you don’t like the image in your mirror, you may not need a make-over. You’ll always do better at figuring out what your problems are really about, and what to do for them, if you ignore the painful messenger and refuse to let it make your diagnosis for you.
–Dr. Lastname
I wish my boyfriend wasn’t so critical about the money I spend on clothes. Couples therapy helped me understand that growing up poor left him with deep insecurity about money (he still doesn’t make much compared to me, though he’s a hard worker). What therapy hasn’t done, however, is stop him from giving me a hard time about every sweater I buy, even though I’ve got good savings, no debt, and a total willingness to carry more than my share of expenses. If we get married, I’m sure his criticism will get worse and I don’t think I can stand it. My goal is to get him to back off, so we can have a life together.
The potentially bad side of couples’ therapy, as readers of this blog know, is that it can encourage a person’s tendency to take unlimited responsibility for getting through to their spouse. Like food, booze, or anything you enjoy, communication should be enjoyed in moderation.
After all, you’re supposed get a break from that responsibility once you’re sure you’ve done the right thing, but couples’ therapy can make you into a share-aholic who can never rest until togetherness has been restored. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 2, 2012
The fact that treatment is seldom as good as we want or need it to be isn’t so bad. If we can’t always make things better with treatment, and we’re willing to accept that fact, we’re no longer burdened with responsibility for figuring out answers and making things better in the first place. Our real job isn’t finding a perfect cure for what ails us, but figuring out whether treatment is better than no treatment. And if treatment only does so much, we can take credit for whatever we do to manage the hopeless mess that’s left for the rest of our not-so-bad lives.
–Dr. Lastname
My 15-year-old son needs treatment for his irritability. He gets unbelievably angry over small things, to the point that he ups and goes to his room. He agrees that things are basically OK and he’s sorry afterwards, but it happens at least once a week. We have a happy home and he has friends in school and gets good grades. I think it’s his mood that’s the problem and it causes him and our family a lot of pain. My goal is to figure out how to get him some help with psychotherapy and/or medication.
Just because someone’s in pain doesn’t mean he needs help. Pain is just part of the complete life package, along with joy, hunger, death, etc.
Of course, you’ve got less to lose and more to gain from treatment if his irritability has caused bruised knuckles, broken sheetrock, and a growing familiarity with your local police. Pain is a normal part of life, but serving life in prison isn’t.
What you’re saying, however, is that, aside from his verbal explosions, he remains in physical control, does self-motivated time-outs, retains good relationships, and has no trouble focusing on work and getting it done. No pill could improve upon that. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 26, 2012
When it comes to marital autopsies, people look for bad decisions and bad behavior the way detectives look for foul play. Unfortunately for anyone hoping for a simple CSI: Divorce, the chief culprits for most marital rifts are personality factors that no one controls, like having an irritable temperament or a terrible interpersonal chemistry when things get tough. We can judge ourselves on how we manage these unfortunate traits, but not on whether or not we have them. So, after rendering your own judgment and making amends if necessary, waste no more time on apology or blame. After all, it’s not a crime scene, just a marriage.
–Dr. Lastname
My ex-wife became the victim from hell after our divorce, which she and the kids blamed on my messing around with another woman. The truth is, I’d been eager to get divorced for the past 10 years, particularly because my ex was so good at messing up and then acting like a victim. I didn’t have that or any affair until I had almost put the divorce in motion and the youngest was about ready for college, and my not-mistress has subsequently become my wife. I felt guilty, however, and the kids see me as guilty, so they punish me with silence, or worse, extend an invitation to have a talk so they can hit me with a blast of endless recrimination before returning to silence again. Needless to say, explaining doesn’t help—their anger is endless—so when they call me up, I wonder what to say. My goal is to help them with their pain and restore a normal relationship.
Most good people feel guilty about leaving a marriage, whether or not they’ve done anything wrong. Guilt the emotion, as opposed to guilt the legal state, is never necessarily caused by bad behavior.
You feel guilty because those you love are hurt and disappointed, and happen to blame you. Given the fact that one of the most important reasons that people marry—perhaps the most important—is to have someone to blame, guilt is an unavoidable part of both marriage and divorce that should never, ever be considered proof of criminality.
As natural as your guilt is, it’s dangerous to let it guide you when you’re managing seriously angry kids (or adults, especially when they’re acting like kids). It’s like showing fear to a tiger, or blood to a vampire, or low-hanging comedic fruit to Ricky Gervais. They’ll just keep coming. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 16, 2012
No one ever totally controls art or business, which doesn’t stop artists and professionals from being control freaks who rate themselves by their results. The difference between them is that a businessperson with poor results usually still gets paid, while an artist who produces bad art, or good art in a bad market, doesn’t. No matter what one’s field, all anyone can do is keep working, because the only way you can guarantee shitty results is by giving up work entirely.
–Dr. Lastname
Like a lot of artists, I don’t think I’m good at anything else. I’ve been “the arty one” since I can remember, I went to art school on a scholarship, and I’ve gotten illustration work pretty steadily since then. Ever since my last job, however, I’ve started to wonder if I’ve lost it somehow. I got a steady gig in a graphic design department, and at first, I totally got along with my co-workers and we seemed to share a sensibility. Then, for some reason—maybe it’s my age (I was the youngest one), the new department head, an off-the-mark project I completed, I don’t know—the group consensus turned on me and I was treated like an untalented hack for the first time in my life. I’ve never dealt with this before, and I still don’t get it, because the higher-ups were still pleased with my work even if my peers decided it sucked, and I was always nice to everyone. The only thing that did happen was that I started to doubt my ideas more, because every time I’d come up with something I’d immediately think of all the reasons my co-workers would hate it. After a few months of this, I couldn’t take it anymore, so when a college friend told me there was an opening at his work, I jumped on it. The problem is that I still can’t get that negativity and doubt out of my head—maybe I am a hack, after all—and I’m terrified of starting this new job and either not coming up with anything good or not coming up with anything period until eventually I can’t get a job at all. I’m not good at anything else, but what if I’m not good at design anymore, either? My goal is to get my mojo back (or at least get these assholes out of my brain).
One of the curses of being talented, in arts or sports, is that talent becomes the heart of your self-esteem. Talent and ego have a flawed-yet-symbiotic relationship.
It’s particularly true if, like many talented people, you’re actually not so hot at doing other things. It’s as if your talent takes up extra brain-space, crowding out room for the basics and leaving you both gifted and klutzy, brilliant and ADD, hyper-capable and totally incompetent.
Other people might tell you that you’re good at other things, but those other people are wrong; they don’t have or understand an artistic mind. They had to decide on a career, whereas you probably felt like you didn’t have a choice. They also probably have health insurance. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 12, 2012
People say that the most important factor in relationships is timing or chemistry, but you can’t have a relationship to begin with without luck, and you can’t be a loser in love if you don’t take your bad luck personally. A good match is hard to find and a not-good-enough match is hard to leave, but as long as you do a good job searching and, when necessary, leaving, you’ll never be a loser, regardless of whether you get “lucky.”
-Dr. Lastname
I am in the fourth year of a partnership with a great guy—smart, athletic, caring, fair, trustworthy, all of it—but I am bored out of my mind. Although he loves outdoor activities like biking and skiing by day, his only hobby in the evenings is watching TV. I am a musician, artist, craftsperson, not an outdoor whiz, and I feel like I am completely uninspired in this situation. I have talked with him about at least not watching TV every night, and we try for a while, but it always ends up back where we started, with him watching TV, and me in another room reading or doing something somewhat productive, or just giving in and watching with him (I hate TV, wish we didn’t have one). I want to do things together but he is not interested in any of the things that I am interested in. Maybe this is just the most a person can hope for in life and I’m spoiled for wanting more than loyalty and love from someone, but I feel guilty all the time for hiding these thoughts from him. Maybe he would be better off without me, too, you know? Maybe I should let him go so he can find a girl who is really IN LOVE with him.
How much you love someone depends, in part, on the effect of partnership on the necessities of your life, as well as your interests. In your case, however, you don’t seem to see partnership as necessary for the necessities, so the difference between what you two want may be be more than television.
If you’ve been struggling to make ends meet and/or raise kids and someone enters your life who’s decent and willing to share the load, you’re probably going to wind up loving him, even if you don’t love everything you do together.
On the other hand, if you’re a fairly self-sufficient person who doesn’t need a partner in order to have a decent standard of living and raise kids, then there’s no reason to live with anyone who doesn’t ring your bells or leave the couch. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
