Posted by fxckfeelings on April 14, 2014
Parent-child splits are the absolute worst kind of break-up because, even if you stay apart, the other person is always at the center of your physical and moral universe; you might not speak to your father anymore, but you can’t escape sharing his laugh, methods for problem-solving, and a feeling of responsibility for how he’s doing. So be careful before you get over-involved in attacking or defending yourself from strong parent-child emotions. Remember how much more important it is for you to be a good parent to your kid and a good kid to your parent. Then, if there’s a chance to do it, live up to your values. Your actions may not make you happy or give you relief, but they’ll always give you pride, because you did all you could to keep your family, and sanity, together.
–Dr. Lastname
My new husband insisted that we renovate the house I’ve lived in since my first marriage, in part because we need more space for the new baby, and in part because he didn’t like living in a house that was built by my ex-husband, who’s an architect. He’s being reasonable, and I’m grateful he’s paying for it, but I’m very nervous about how my fourteen-year-old son is going to react because he hates change and always acts as if I’m the one responsible for the break-up with his father. Now he’ll accuse me of destroying what remains of his childhood, and I’m afraid he’ll go live with his father and stop visitation, so my goal is to figure out how to tell him we’re about to renovate without driving him away.
You’re worried that your son’s reaction to your remarriage, renovation, and new family will be unreasonably infantile. Unlike an infant, however, he can more than just roll away from you; with additional support from you ex, he can cut you off forever. Humans grow out of a lot of things—teething, pants-pooping, random boners—but, unfortunately, tantrums can be eternal.
You certainly don’t want to pick a fight with your son, but you also can’t let yourself be blackmailed by a burst of anger. The good news is that, although he is too old to be threatened with a time out, good, plain speech can teach him some important lessons about being an adult without driving him away or discouraging him from coming back. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 10, 2014
Family members can push us harder than anyone or anything else, probably because the family tree literally roots us in place so we can’t escape. Sometimes you seethe while you suffer, and sometimes worry while you do rescue work. In either case, you can’t gain freedom without shaking up the branches and the way you think about them. Once you ask yourself how much good you can really do, either by fighting or protecting, you’re well on the way to managing your feelings and finding the strength to branch off on your own.
–Dr. Lastname
I have returned to a very personal habit that I have never admitted to a counselor since I worry about what they might think. To calm myself, I daydream about getting my hands around my ex-husband’s throat and not letting go. The more detail and the more I replay the scene in my head, the calmer and happier I feel. In reality, my ex-husband is a gold medal, abusive Asshole who always wins, but our sons are teenagers who seem able to stand up to what they regard as verbal abuse and bullying and they’ve been telling a family counselor about it. Meanwhile, my life has been going well and I have a nice boyfriend. I’m not a violent person and my ex is in no danger from me. My goal is to find a new, less violent coping strategy that will promote calm, healthy thoughts and reduce my anger and frustration.
Fantasy can be a powerful tool; it’s what fuels imagination, keeps our spirits up in dark times, and makes LARPing possible. It lets us escape the everyday and find freedom, even if it’s only in our heads. Unless, however, it’s a strangle-the-bastard fantasy like yours, which keeps you bound both to your ex and the fear and anger he inspires.
You probably felt weak when you were married to your ex, partly because of his bullying manner and worry about the kids, but getting yourself away from him made you strong. You left him, moved on, and provided the kids with a stable foundation that apparently gives them good perspective on his nastiness. You liberated yourself in a very real sense. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 6, 2014
The math of human instinct tells us that self + unfair victimization = a right to punish the person to blame, even if that person is a blood relative with the best of intentions. In a fair world, the justice equation would check out, but in this one, the person who appears responsible often had no choice, and just happened to be a conduit for life’s random misery. So whether you’re a blamed parent who is helpless to stop your kid from hitting and running, or a blamed child who can’t escape unfair punishment, judge yourself carefully and fairly. Then, instead of fighting for justice, stand up for what you believe while waiting for blame to fizzle and an equation that adds up.
–Dr. Lastname
My fifteen-year-old daughter, whom I used to be close to, was always a sensitive, over-reactive kid. I was still shocked and hurt, however, when she suddenly spoke up, in the midst of her first visit with me and my new husband, to say to him, “Who the fuck are you?” She stopped talking to me for a year after I left her father, but eventually relented and then we started spending regular time together (though he has full custody, and I get weekend visitation). Now that she’s insulted my husband, however, I don’t know what to say— to not talk like that to her stepfather? To go to her room until she’s ready to behave? My goal is to figure out what to say that will address the nastiness and inappropriateness of her speech and let her know she can’t treat my husband with disrespect.
As hard as reality TV tries to find us the Cesar Milan of adolescent girls, as of yet, there is no such person as the “Teen Whisperer.” The closet thing we have is that woman on “Dance Moms,” and she’s really just an all-purpose bellower.
The reason no such teen expert exists, on TV or off, is because there is nothing you can say, in any volume, that will persuade your daughter to behave better. You have little influence and she wants you to be angry and hurt, so, as with any breach of the law anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of teen self-entitlement. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 6, 2014
Whether you’re eager to get in the game and fall in love or hate the idea of going out, doing what comes naturally leads you nowhere. What you need instead is thoughtful, self-protective awareness and discipline. So take time to think about what you really need from a prospective friend or partner and how to make sure it’s there. Then, whether you need to rein yourself in or push yourself forward, conduct your search at a safe, deliberate pace that’ll keep you reigned in, out of your shell, and ultimately, on top.
–Dr. Lastname
I split up with my boyfriend a while ago. He started the relationship at a time when he didn’t want one (wasn’t really over his ex and was having major work problems). Anyway, we really hit it off—enjoyed each other’s company, had massive sexual chemistry, seemed to have the same values—and then I got really stressed and he got really stressed very soon into our relationship and I couldn’t handle his withdrawal reaction, especially because I didn’t feel that secure in anyway, so I finished it. Months on I’m finding it extremely difficult to get over him even though I’m trying to think it was for the best. I’ve never missed anyone this much and think he was probably the only person I’ve ever really been in love with. I don’t think he feels the same. I think he’s very selfish, thinks he’s the only one with problems, and hasn’t let anyone in since his ex. Or he never liked me that much, which he says is bollocks. No one measures up in a weird kind of way. And the people who are less selfish are boring and I don’t want to spend time with them. How do I get over him when I don’t want to?
Before deciding whether to get over your ex-boyfriend, give more thought to whether or not he was worth having as a boyfriend in the first place. Yes, there was lots of mutual magnetism; given how quick he was to vanish, however, maybe those magnets actually had like poles.
After all, he did a major, painful flip-flop soon after you got together, and two major requirements of most healthy relationships are one, that the other person isn’t prone to flip-flops and two, that he doesn’t tend to flip-flop on you.
That requirement is so important, and so out of your control, that it’s a major reason for going slow, gathering information, and trying to keep from getting too close until you’re confident it’s not going to happen. Everyone preaches safe sex, but less attention is given to the importance of safe love, and this is definitely a case where you left your heart unprotected. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 27, 2014
Sometime or other, for any number of stupid reasons, most of us have found ourselves hanging onto or hanging back from a relationship that was never going to satisfy our needs. What you need to do, of course, is to let go of what you had in order to find what you actually want—a good relationship—instead of avoiding immediate loneliness by clinging to the unsatisfactory-but-familiar. It takes courage to cut your losses and open yourself to the unknown, but that’s the only way to make sure you’re ready when the right relationship finally comes along. Ultimately, you’ll end up hanging on to your standards, which are more important than anything (and anyone) else.
–Dr. Lastname
After a long separation I now have my decree nisi and can make my divorce final as soon as we sort out our finances. It’s been a long marriage and the bitterness has settled and we both agree that there is no going back. My problem is that I can’t seem to break out of the inertia/fear and do what needs to be done to set us both free. My ex is adopting the same sluggish approach despite putting pressure on me a few months back to file for divorce. We are both in other relationships and remain on good terms. My goal is to identify what the block is and find the courage and motivation to get on with what needs to be done.
Whether it’s mixed feelings, fatigue, or just a distaste for paperwork and/or lawyers, searching for the reason you’re avoiding the final steps of divorce may do the opposite of setting you free.
I assume you’d recognize and deal with depression, if that’s your problem, and that you’ve already done much of the work of breaking up and moving on. If you hadn’t, you wouldn’t be with someone new and on good terms with the someone that’s old.
The risk of searching for meaning in avoidant behavior is that it often doesn’t give you a tool for breaking log-jams, and dwelling on helplessness and negative feelings is a good way to lose energy and get more stuck. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 9, 2014
When your kid is a teenager, every decision you make has the potential to cause drama, whether you’re insisting they retake the SATs or refusing to buy them $200 pants. One issue that will have a powder keg quality right into adulthood, however, is whether you think a family relationship should have more together-time or less. More time together may feel like crowding, and less time together may feel like rejection or loss, but either way, be prepared to encounter strong emotions, including your own, when you go to discuss it. First, ask yourself why a change is necessary or beneficial, rather than why your feelings want it. Then prepare to ignore criticism, anger and hurt feelings while you stand by your views and do what’s best, just as you did with the pants.
–Dr. Lastname
I know that my ex and I put the kids through a rough divorce fifteen years ago, and the roughest part, at least from my point of view, was that my ex convinced a judge that the kids shouldn’t see me without supervision. I couldn’t afford that, so the kids basically didn’t see me for about fifteen years, but understanding the problem hasn’t helped me deal with my oldest son now that he’s twenty-one and free to start seeing me again. He’s reached out to me several times, which was wonderful and had me hoping we could rebuild a relationship, but then he’d set up a time to come over for dinner, and I’d cook up something special, and he wouldn’t show up or call for several months. There’s nothing I want more than to re-establish some kind of relationship with him and his younger sister, but I can’t stand setting up times to meet and knocking myself out and then getting stood up. I’m afraid his mother has poisoned his mind against me and I don’t like getting treated like shit. My goal is to be his father, not his doormat.
Whether it’s from a boyfriend, university, or a home loan, rejection is rejection, and even if you know why it’s happening and know there’s nothing you did wrong, it hurts like hell. You could know you’re the most important person in your child’s life, and it would still be hard to be stood up, ignored, disobeyed, and shut out.
When, on top of that, you’re yearning to resume a relationship years after it was stopped by divorce, you’re even more vulnerable and helpless. You already know what your child has discovered; that your need for one another is mutual, as is your ability to hurt one another. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 30, 2013
We’ve said many times that people who loudly, repeatedly declare they’re good or bad at something are often wrong; for example, a self-proclaimed expert cook should not be trusted to boil ramen, and someone who makes it clear they’re a terrible dancer just needs a little prodding before they unleash the boogie. That’s why you should always look deeper when someone says they’re awful or great at parenting, because some good parents are always sure their unloving feelings are messing up their kids when they’re not, and some obviously-not-so-good parents believe that, since they love their kids and love is all important, they’ve got what it takes when they don’t. Instead of rating yourself on the love vs. let-me-out-of-here scale, describe the behaviors necessary for the parenting job and grade yourself using whatever objective feedback and observations you can gather. Then you’ll be able to assess yourself accurately, both in your own mind and in public statements.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: We’re taking Thursday off again, but will be back for the first, glorious Monday of 2014.
I’m pregnant! No celebration though, because I want to terminate the pregnancy. When my husband and I got married, I said I’d have babies—he wanted them, and I always thought eventually I would. I kept putting it off because the biological clock never started ticking, and the thought of motherhood still freaks me out. I never lied to him on purpose, I always thought the mother instinct would kick in at some point because everyone said it’s what women do, become moms. We started “trying” because I couldn’t put it off any longer, although I did everything I could not to get pregnant (sex on non-fertile days, etc.). I know it was stupid, but I love my husband so much, I couldn’t not try. Now that I’m pregnant though, I want to scream. I pray everyday that I miscarry (it’s still early). I know I’m an awful person. He wants this so much and I love him so much. I just think I’ll make a horrible mother and am too selfish and career focused to make a good parent. I want a life, not a baby. What should I do?
Just because the idea of motherhood freaks you out doesn’t mean you’d be a terrible mother. If every med student who got freaked out by his or her first scalpel-cut into a cadaver decided s/he was no good at doctoring, the medical profession would be a very small group, made up mostly of cold-blooded serial killers.
Freaking out during your first pregnancy is normal—fear helps you prepare for parenthood—and there are many good reasons for believing your worst fears won’t come true. For instance, you say you have a good marriage and I assume that means you can count on your husband’s support. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 25, 2013
If you truly want to believe in the old saying, “There’s someone for everyone,” you have to add the caveat, “assuming that many of those people aren’t exactly right for each other.” Some people think they’ve found “the one,” but then can’t see their partner’s faults because of the wishful optimism of love. Others sour on their spouses because of the tired pessimism of long-married irritability So if it comes time to make a tough decision about a marriage, be sure to ask yourself what continuing your partnership is likely to do to your finances, parenting, and security given what’s happened so far and what you now know about the character of your significant other. Once you figure out whether your someone is actually Mr. Wrong or Mrs. Will-Suffice, you’ll have a much better idea of whether you should hire a therapist to help you get along or a lawyer to preserve your assets.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: There will be no new post on Thursday due to American Thanksgiving. As always, we are grateful for our families and your misery. We’ll be back next week.
I’m living a nightmare and feel totally helpless. I thought my wife had overcome the drug habit she was struggling with before we got married (otherwise I wouldn’t have married her). Normally, she’s the sweetest person in the world. Recently, she went back being the evil witch I remember her being when she was on drugs, blaming me for everything and threatening to take me to court for abusing her. When I asked whether she was on drugs again, she said I was a crazy asshole. Two hours later she said she was sorry, that I was right, but she felt ashamed of using drugs and was taking it out on me. She said treatment just didn’t work for her. My goal is to get her to get help so she goes back to being the amazing woman I love.
There’s a reason that “addict” is a term you live with forever. That’s not to say it has to be a horrible stigma—college graduate and Torontonian also qualify as life-long labels—but no matter how much you wish addiction would be behind you or someone you love for good, it’s always there.
You thought your wife had overcome her drug habit because you loved her sweet, kind side and wanted to think ugly, addict side wasn’t real. She’s not a bad person, but she has a bad side and a bad disease that she doesn’t seem ready or willing to deal with. Even when she’s being kind, her evil side is always going to be there, and she’s doing nothing to stop it. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 7, 2013
War can teach us many lessons, and if we’ve learned anything from the major wars of our day—namely, the “Storage Wars”—it’s that there’s a time to be pushy and a time to hold back. That’s why, when you feel a strong need to influence others, be it to get them off your back or improve their own behavior, being overly aggressive is just as bad as pussyfooting around. Before you bid or bite your tongue, size up the consequences before you open your mouth, and then go forward only after you’ve done your homework and have good reason—not wishful thinking, a hunch, or a grudge—for believing that doing something pushy will do some good/lead to treasure.
–Dr. Lastname
I wish my husband didn’t try to make everyone in my family get along. My parents are divorced, and neither one of them is a terrific grandparent with our kids—they weren’t terrific parents with me and my sister, so I’m not surprised—and my husband makes a big Problem out of it, which we’re supposed to correct. He drops hints to my parents about how, when they come over, they should play with the kids more, stay longer, and pay more attention to what they say. The result is that my parents drop by less often and get even less connected to our kids, and I get an earful from my husband about what’s wrong with my parents and what can we (he means I) say to them that will make them behave better. My question is, what can I say to my husband to get him to stop.
Sadly, the Miss Piggy approach to relationships—trying to bully someone into the kind of respect and affection you think “moi” deserves—is rarely successful, even for mademoiselle Pig herself.
If your husband were more realistic about the kind of grand-parenting he can expect from his parents, he would, as you suggest, probably leave them alone. Instead, he’s letting his efforts and expectations run hog-wild. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 4, 2013
Family isn’t just the gift that keeps giving, but the constant presence that keeps taking, which is why saying “no” and setting boundaries on what they expect you to do is often hard. Sometimes, even when you believe strongly in your need and right to refuse them, guilt makes you agonize and get defensive. Other times, guilt is so strong that you’re sure you’d be wrong to say “no” and can’t even consider the consequences of what will happen if you don’t. In any case, when it comes to saying “no,” don’t wait until you’re angry, stop feeling guilty, or otherwise feel the urge. Instead, look at what happens when you don’t say it and how it affects your major obligations. Then, if you decide it’s necessary, learn how to do it short and sweet, without offering defense or explanation, and give yourself some boundaries, the best gift of them all.
–Dr. Lastname
My unhappy marriage of more than 20 years is soon to end in a divorce driven by me after a long and painful separation. When my husband left I was devastated as I felt abandoned and unable to cope on my own. This resulted in me allowing my husband to set the terms, come and go as he pleased, lie and mess around with my emotions. After two years of this he decided to stay with his girlfriend and asked for a divorce. I agreed but he took no real action. After a lot of therapy and much heartache I have rebuilt my life, found work I like, learned how to cope and have just taken an exciting holiday with my new partner while remaining on amicable terms with my ex. I live in what was the family home with one of my two adult sons and my daughter and her baby are about to move in. I have asked my ex to inform me if he wants to come round but he continues to make arrangements with our adult children at short notice or no notice at all. His girlfriend has taken a job which involves being away for the working week, which frees him up to hang around here when he wishes to spend family time. After years of turmoil I do not want to risk my hard earned independence and growing emotional detachment by getting sucked in once again. I also resent the way he expects to be welcome here when it suits and be unavailable when his demanding girlfriend is around. My goal is to set healthy boundaries for going forward. I wish to protect myself from further chaos without dividing loyalties or giving him underdog status in the eyes of our children.
If you ever thought that your flexibility about your ex-husband’s comings and goings would make him interested in returning to your marriage or, later on, negotiating a marital settlement, you now know better. All it makes it easier for him to do is raid your fridge and unsettle your mind.
He’s continued to do what he’s felt like doing, and you’ve learned how to take care of yourself and go on with your life, which you’ve done very well. Now it’s time to tell him that your life can no longer allow him unlimited access. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
