Posted by fxckfeelings on October 30, 2014
War might be hell, but the decision whether or not to take on a fight can make you feel, at the very least, like you’re Satan’s upstairs neighbor. Sometimes you want to avoid taking necessary action in order to avoid (marital) bloodshed, and other times, even if you’re not in American government, you’re eager to take on a fight without realizing there’s no hope for real victory. In any case, never let anger or fear get in the way of your own analysis of the facts behind the conflict. Keeping the peace may mean that you have to stand up for an opposing point of view or just feel angry, but a little personal purgatory still beats the alternative.
–Dr. Lastname
My wife and I never argued about money until recently, when she retired and started spending large amounts on her new hobbies. We have more than enough to live on, thanks to the money I got when I sold my company, but I can’t help resenting the way she spends large sums without talking it over or checking to see how much we have left. If I share my resentment, she’ll feel I’m trying to control her, but I just want her to control her credit card. My goal is to get a handle on our finances without starting a fight that will just cause us both to feel bad and then probably prompt more spending.
Talking to your spouse about her spending is as difficult as talking about her drinking or eating, or even her skipping and gum-chewing. This is because, at the heart of it, trying to talk to someone about their actions sounds a lot like you’re trying to tell them what to do. And nobody outside of the military or the bowels of Craigslist’s sex ads wants to be told what to do, especially by the person who’s supposed to be on their side.
Because they feel like scoldings, discussions like this immediately create a quasi-parent/child dynamic, which is why things quickly devolve into eye-rolling, finger-pointing, name-calling. Ultimately, if you’re lucky, your shared tantrum will result in temporary cutbacks, resentment, and the beginning of a running, perhaps-infinite “I told you so” contest that no one will ever win.
So never communicate money worries until first reviewing your anticipated income, expenses, assets, and areas of control. Consult an accountant or a simple book or website on budgeting. Pretend you’re a corporate manager who must find out how much your department—not just this one employee—can spend next year without depleting your assets, and how much will be left after covering necessities.
Then compose a memo describing your conclusions, decisions about the spending you control, and recommendations about the spending you don’t. Edit out criticism, fear, or defensiveness; your job is to provide good information and solid decisions that reflect your values and your family’s shared need for a financial plan, not to make your wife happy.
Before sharing your report, prepare for unfair personal criticism by composing positive, fact-filled answers. If you’re accused of being a control freak, invite her to offer better solutions that don’t break the budget. Regret the fact that you can’t always agree on priorities, but don’t budge from the facts, and avoid getting emotional.
It’s too bad that you and your wife’s spending instincts are not as naturally compatible as they have been, but it’s not unusual to have disagreements when life enters a new phase. You may not be able to make her happy or end those disagreements, but you can come up with a budget you believe in, refuse to let the disagreement become personal, and stay positive about the future security you’re creating by endorsing spending limits, even when she doesn’t agree.
If you sit down to talk about the nuts and bolts of your finances, not to take apart her spending habits, you can have a real discussion that could result in a budget instead of a brawl.
STATEMENT:
“I hate for my wife to feel deprived or over-ruled, but I will not express fears or argue about spending until I’ve put together a budget and tried to engage her positively in defining what’s necessary and making tough decisions. We may not wind up agreeing, but I will keep our differences to a minimum and not express fear or personal criticism.”
When my son decided to leave for college, we all thought he’d have a great time because he’s gregarious, likeable, and well motivated. Unfortunately, he somehow got depressed almost immediately upon starting school, and the whole year was a struggle with grades that were OK, but a disappointment. Then, after coming home and immediately feeling like his old self, he decided he had the problem licked and would have no trouble going back. After returning to school and another two months of depression, however, he’s ready to call it quits and transfer to another college. I don’t like the idea of his quitting and wasting time, but I can’t talk him out of it. I’m angry, which just means he doesn’t listen to me. My goal is to give him advice he will listen to and save him from making a mistake.
Assuming you’re right about your son’s depression, and that he can’t help it, you have more reason to be proud of his efforts to make school work than you have to be ashamed of his desire to quit and come back home. After all, you don’t see him as fundamentally immature or dependent, just prone to an away-from-home depression that he can’t shake. That doesn’t mean that college has to be torturous for him, even if it can’t be an average experience.
Homesick-triggered depression doesn’t seem to have been studied objectively, but it happens to some very solid kids and is just one of those problems that usually gets better as we get older. It shouldn’t be surprising that some people have reflexes in their brains that keep them at home, at least when they’re younger, and some are born to go roving; genes are probably important and, in a Darwinian process, circumstances sometimes favor the survival of the stay-at-homes and sometimes the wanderers.
In any case, the fact that your son finds himself burdened and partially impaired by homesickness doesn’t mean he has failed or that he has to leave home, unless leaving home is really necessary, which it does not appear to be.
Instead of assuming that he needs to complete his studies at Homesickness U., ask him to consider the pros and cons of transferring to a local college by leading him through the risk/benefit analysis. Ask him to find out what transfers are possible and whether transferring will cost him any course credits or special opportunities.
Ignore his expression of disappointment and regret over how much better he could have done if he hadn’t gotten depressed; tell him that depression isn’t something you control and that it often happens in this situation. He’s been enrolled in Depression 101, a mandatory part of the Core Curriculum, and from your point of view, he’s done well with it.
Meanwhile, if it hasn’t happened already, ask you son whether therapy with a good, positive coach could help him fight the negative thoughts that depression puts in his head and whether, if it’s impairing his ability to learn, he should see a psychiatrist and try medication.
You’re sorry he had to go through this painful experience, but remind him and yourself that he went to college to learn, not necessarily to be happy, and you’re impressed that he’s learning a lot.
STATEMENT:
“I hate to see my son feel like a loser, but he’s done nothing to make himself depressed and he’s learning how to manage it. I’ll keep on coaching him through this experience.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 27, 2014
Along with avoiding conflict, favoring calm, and having taste that’s too sophisticated to tolerate Michael Bay, human beings are also notoriously bad at correctly placing blame or finding the true source of an issue. We punish ourselves for problems that we have no control over and indict others for creating trouble that it’s our job to prevent. Instead of rushing to judgment, we should ignore our thoughts, dreams, and tempers and consult our values first. Then we can decide whether we’ve really done wrong and need to do better, or whether someone else has erred. Either way, we’ll know where the blame truly lies and be able to buck our nature to calmly find a solution.
-Dr. Lastname
I have done a pretty good job of keeping things together through a very tough few years. I have mostly come to terms with the break up of a long and unhappy marriage and become a stronger person as a result. In my waking life I have learned to choose my thoughts and control my feelings and behavior to good effect. The trouble is my dreams, which are frequent and often disturbing. In dream-life I am still very emotional and out of control and tied to past experiences. I will dream I am dancing with my ex or that we have reconciled happily and wake up feeling sad. Or I dream that my new partner is cheating or being an asshole when he has given me no cause to doubt him. Sometimes I wake up in a state of distress after reliving painful events without the benefit of rational thinking and wish I could sleep without being invaded by the bizarre and the uninvited. Are dreams just random or a result of what lurks in the subconscious mind? My goal is to have faith that I have coped quite well with very difficult circumstances and to understand the message behind my restless nights.
It’s a good thing we can’t be held legally responsible for our thoughts or dreams, or we’d all be in jail, riddled with STDs, or kicked out of school due to failing exams we didn’t know we had or excessive public nudity. If the law can’t punish you for your dreams, there’s no reason to punish yourself.
We also know that depression floods us with irrational, negative thoughts, causing us to blame ourselves for everything that has gone wrong and assume that everything will go wrong in the future. So making a big deal about dreams seems like a sure way to magnify the impact of negative thoughts and self-doubts that we neither deserve nor control. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 16, 2014
You know that the how/when/why of diagnosis is a loaded topic, not just because you’re either longing to find or determined to reject one, but because those of you who read this site with some regularity know how many letters we get on the subject. A diagnosis is a powerful thing, but, like your authors’ posts, it’s rarely the last word. As always, ask yourself what a diagnosis really means before giving it too much meaning, or too little. We won’t be shocked or disappointed, however, if you want to ask us about what it means, also.
–Dr. Lastname
I have severe mood swings which don’t help at all, because some days/weeks I will be normal anxious me, but then I can have periods where nothing scares me anymore, pretty much like I’m ‘on top’, and I’ll have so much confidence. But then I have periods which are the exact opposite, meaning that I’ll be constantly upset and feeling self hatred for the way I am. As a result of this, I researched Bipolar Disorder and I have nearly all of the symptoms, I also took some of the online tests, which I know are not completely accurate but I thought they would give me a brief outline. Each one said that I possibly have moderate to severe Bipolar Disorder. After thinking for a while, I spoke to my mum, but she shunned the idea. I later convinced her to do some research on it and let me know her opinions, which I think she had no intention to let me know her thoughts as I only got a reply one month later as a result of my frequent questioning. She said I am definitely not bipolar. I have now been put on the contraceptive pill to control my irregular periods and mood swings, however they have not altered my moods, nor has the Teen Multivitamins that my mum has been buying me to prove that it’s entirely just my hormones. My goal is to control my moods and lessen my anxiety.
Just as there are eight major levels for classifying biological organisms—from general “life” down to the precise “species”—there are several unofficial levels of diagnoses. The most general level might be by location (e.g., the brain) and the more specific would be by identifying the cause of the disease. Unlike with plants and animals or even more common diseases, however, scientists can’t classify your individual diagnosis beyond basic symptoms. In sum, not surprisingly, it’s hard to classify crazy.
If the characteristics of the bipolar “species” vary greatly, depending on the person experiencing bipolar illness, then the usefulness of the diagnosis is limited, and your own observations and evaluation become much more important. What matters most then is not whether you do or don’t have a certified bipolar diagnosis, but whether your mood swings interfere with your life. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 18, 2014
Many relationship blow-ups are due to the most fleeting of bad moods; who knows how many divorces could have been avoided if both parties had just been well-rested, fed, and/or not stuck behind that school bus on the way home from work. The most dangerous bad moods, however, are the ones that don’t have a simple/stupid source, and if those cause someone you’re in a relationship with to push you away, you don’t have much room to negotiate. If they simply want to be alone, and have no blame to bestow, you’ll often do best to keep your distance while leaving the door open. If, on the other hand, they want to dump on you for something you know you haven’t done, use their push as a head start to get away as quickly as possible. In any case, bad moods can make relationships difficult, but moody people can make relationships impossible; stay away unless you’re good at protecting yourself and putting their moods second and your needs first.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m in high school and I’ve been very good friends with this one guy for a very long time, and he’s kind of a passive, detached person; he generally doesn’t really care that much about most things, but it really wasn’t that big of a problem. At least until recently, since he’s started acting like he doesn’t care about our friendship. I know that he isn’t worth it, but we’ve been friends for such a long time that I don’t just want to let go. When I asked him why he was so bitter, even towards me, he said that he didn’t want any friends because everything is temporary, he doesn’t care about anything, etc. Now I know it sounds cool to be like, “fuck other people, I’m alone,” but I’m afraid he’s going to end up alone and sad if he continues to be a dick like this. My goal is to make him less bitter and be my friend again.
Before you make it your goal to reclaim a lost friendship, take a second to reconsider, not because your ever-detached friend might not be worth fighting for or just doomed to a life of dick-dom, but because you probably haven’t lost his friendship in the first place.
From what he’s said, you have no reason to think his feelings about you have changed. All that has changed is his mood and attitude towards the world, which, at this time of life isn’t that unusual. That his adolescent attitude has changed in a negative/apathetic direction is even less rare. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 15, 2014
Since attention is a precious resource, it’s useful to view help like any other investment; sometimes your help pays off in the long run, even if you can’t get a good result right away, and sometimes your long-term prospects are grim and high-risk despite a good initial return. Just as you’d never invest sentimentally or impulsively, don’t get caught up in the immediate joys and frustrations of helping without first looking at the big picture and determining what you can actually accomplish and whether the benefit is worth the risk. Then you can invest wisely and with positive returns, sooner or later, for both you and those whose welfare you’re investing in.
–Dr. Lastname
I am worried that my daughter is heading for meltdown and I’m unsure how to help. Her marriage was a brief catastrophe that left her with no money and a young child. She seemed to be getting back on her feet by finding a nice place and, with my help, a new car, and she has support from family and friends. She also started a demanding new job that is out of her comfort zone–she was sick of her old job and wanted to switch careers for a long time—but now she is struggling to cope and feels back at square one with all the crying and sense of hopelessness. I suspect that returning to her old job would have had the same result, but she now feels it was a mistake to take on more stress and change, even though she needs to support her child and the work is well paid and what she always hoped to do. I have tried hard to help with practical matters and held back on unsolicited advice or judgment, but I find myself walking on eggshells for fear of getting it wrong. She is back on medication but I worry that her life is unraveling. My goal is to accept my limitations while knowing that I am doing all I can to offer support.
Parents with young children have a deep understanding of contagion, at least when it comes to the colds and infections that get picked up at the Petri dish we call school, but the real lesson comes when those children become adults. Parents might not catch their kids’ germs, but they can still get caught up in their drama.
Your daughter may feel like her life is unraveling because she is overwhelmed by motherhood and a demanding job, but don’t let her feelings infect your brain. Yes, she may wind up losing her current job, car, and temporary peace of mind, but that’s doesn’t mean she’s failing or that you have to go into crisis mode. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 21, 2014
Despite what the Ramones (R.I.P.) once declared, most people do not want to be sedated, especially if it’s for reasons involving “going loco.” Some people can’t think about psychiatric hospital admission as other than a form of kidnapping, and others as a failure that should never have happened if they took proper care of themselves. In reality, it’s good to think about psychiatric admission as something that can happen again regardless of how well you take care of yourself, and will rarely happen for reasons that you won’t ultimately agree with. The more you accept the possibility of hospital commitment and consider your own views about what makes hospitalization necessary, the more skilled you’ll be at managing the situation if it occurs again, even if it’s something you’re never going to wanna do.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve got depression that is usually controlled well by medication, but I had one bad episode three years ago when I got really down, couldn’t leave the house for a month, and was on track to starve myself to death. My parents were right to pull me out and take me to the hospital, but it was a horrible experience; there were some scary, sick people there, and staying there was traumatizing. Now my shrink wants me to put together a crisis plan that will tell my parents how to decide when they should take me to the hospital, if it ever becomes necessary again—a sort of “advance directive”—and I’m trying to figure out how to make sure that I don’t have to go back unless it’s really, really necessary. The last thing I want is to visit an emergency room where they like to lock people up, so I end up trapped in the nightmare ward again. My goal is to figure out how to minimize the possibility that I will get admitted again.
As traumatic as it felt to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital, you are familiar with the bigger trauma that you would have experienced if you weren’t admitted. The scary people you say in the psych ward were probably fairies and pussycats compared to the hellscape that your own home had become.
You know how painful your depression was, how it interrupted everything important in your life, including work, relationships and your ability to care for yourself, and how it endangered your health and your life. That’s the trauma it’s now your job to manage, and avoiding the job because you’d like to avoid the hospital is a foolish move. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 12, 2014
There are many moments in life when we wish we had telepathic powers, and while some occur during Presidential debates or doctor visits when you’re getting test results, most are inspired by the challenges of relationships. Mind-reading feels most useful when you either can’t do anything to make your spouse happy or can’t blink without setting them off, but if your first concern is just to repair your relationship, you will wind up taking too little or too much responsibility for whatever they’re mad about. Before trying to make up, measure your responsibility for their grievance by your own values. If you can read your own mind, then you’ll know whether it’s you who needs to improve, or your partner’s temper, with no special powers necessary.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know why my partner won’t let me make amends. I’m crazy about him, and I really didn’t mean to start drinking again, but I got very depressed because I have depressive episodes from time to time, and drank to relax. Now I’m dried out, back to normal, and I’m trying to do everything I can to make it up to him, but the nicer I am, the madder he gets. He says I should go to AA meetings and get a plan for my life that includes what I’m going to do the next time I get depressed and/or drunk. I just want to get back to living life, finding a job, and being close the way we used to be. If he keeps on hammering me for being loving and attentive, though, I don’t see how I can keep from getting depressed and drunk again. My goal is to get our relationship back.
The reason your partner isn’t reacting well is because trying to assuage his particular issues with affection and remorse is like trying to help a hungry person by giving him a blanket. Your partner will feel better if he knows that you’re serious about staying sober, and just like you can’t eat an afghan, you can’t say you’re focusing on sobriety with flowers.
He knows you love him, but that didn’t stop you from drinking and it won’t stop you, in the future, from getting stressed and drinking again. You write as if it’s all behind you, but since he believes, with good reason, that it’s never behind you, he worries more when you appear to worry less. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 9, 2014
Whether you’re humiliated by excess praise or criticism, too much attention for one’s deeds, be it positive or negative, can make you feel fake and, worst of all, stuck in a world where good deeds get punished. Instead of trying to make sense of this classic disconnect, accept the stupid way life has of making innocent, hardworking people miserable. Then continue, as before, to work hard for what you believe in while ignoring pain that often comes to those whose achievements are special and need for recognition isn’t.
–Dr. Lastname
A year ago, I was named by a hospital journal as an outstanding up-and-coming oncologist, and now my name is synonymous with accusations of malpractice. I didn’t do anything wrong, but I made the mistake of pissing off a couple crazy nurses, having bad luck in the operating room, and being unfriendly with reporters. I won’t get convicted, but my reputation is shot, I’ve got no patients and huge legal bills, and most of my so-called friends don’t answer my calls. I can’t get out of bed and, when I’m up, I can’t focus on getting anything done. My goal is to figure out how to get my life back.
Being a star physician isn’t much different from being a celebrity; praise and attention make you feel like you’ve made the right career choices and are good at what you do. Unfortunately, power attracts its own special kind of bad luck, and now you’re the medical world’s Justin Bieber.
When you’re up and coming, people seem ready to ignore your faults and exaggerate your virtues. After a while, however, you become one of the powers that be, which people like to tear down. You might be more talented and less racist than Le Biebs, but your trajectory is identical. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 2, 2014
For people with mood disorders, one of the most dangerous moods is the one for love, because a steady relationship often seems like the reward for getting rid of mood swings or the free pass to feeling better about yourself. The problem, of course, is that it’s much easier to find the kind of love that will make your disorder worse than it is to find something that will last and survive real life problems, including your moods. So don’t hunt for love as a feel-good prize or cure. Instead, accept the fact that it’s a job that takes patience and discipline and, fortunately, can be done even when your mood sucks.
–Dr. Lastname
I used to enjoy being a party girl and having random hook-ups, but since I got sober a year ago, I gave all that up and my life is a lot better. I’m not having big mood swings, I’m working steadily, and I finally feel ready for a serious relationship with someone I really like and respect. Even though I’m sure I’m ready now and excited to find Mr. Right, I get really nervous around guys and never find ones that seem like good choices. My goal is to find a real relationship, because I’m great at meeting people and my mood is a lot steadier, and so I don’t understand why it’s not easier.
Doing a series of shorter road races might be the right way to train for a marathon, but having a series of brief, anonymous sexual encounters is not the best way to prepare for monogamy.
Even a runner knows that you don’t get the same kind of excitement from meters as you do from miles; a sprint is a quick thrill, a marathon can be a painful mess. That’s why, if you’re approaching the search for a longer-term romance with excitement in mind, you’re heading down the wrong path. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 15, 2014
Whether it’s wealth, wine, or just white meat chicken, life’s perks are harder to enjoy when they have a dubious source. This is especially true with money that comes from someone else’s generosity, so it’s natural to promote financial independence, either by giving criticism or praise, especially if that generous someone is you. Unfortunately, being financially dependent is a lot like being a caged hen—it’s often beyond your control—so your attempts to promote it may cause or worsen feelings of failure. Instead of trying to change financial dependence when you can’t, ask yourself what people can do to manage it most effectively. Then you’ll be ready to respect what people do with financial dependence, even if it takes a long time for the dependent party to ripen/become free-range.
–Dr. Lastname
I can’t stand the sad way things have turned out for my daughter, and my life is no better. She had kids, got depressed, lost her marriage and most custody, and lives a marginal life because she can’t get it together to find work. I help her out as much as I can, but I’m not as good with kids as my late wife was, plus the grandkids have special needs. The result is that my daughter doesn’t have a decent place of her own, the grandkids have all kinds of unsolved problems, and I’m going broke. I feel we’ve all failed to do the only thing that matters, which is to help our kids, and I remind my daughter how badly I think things have turned out, and how much she needs to change if things are ever going to get any better, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. My goal is to find a way to turn this disaster around.
Depression is a terrible disease that can sap your energy and scramble your brain’s ability to get organized, so it can have a devastating effect on a person’s ability to be a parent or hold a job. While medications, talk therapy, and other treatments don’t necessarily help, too-tough love can actually make things worse.
Through the filter of a depressive mind, your “come to Jesus” talks may be interpreted as “go make a living, loser” lectures.
If she is making an effort—and, since you’ve been trying to help and push her for many years, it’s a safe assumption that she is—focusing on failure isn’t fair, disrespects your contributions, and may interfere with good planning. Nobody wants her to pull herself up by her bootstraps more than she does, but her depression’s opposing pull seems to be stronger. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
