Posted by fxckfeelings on April 4, 2013
There are plenty of things that money can’t buy, but when you don’t have any money, you’d gladly sell any number of those things for some food, rent, or pride. Whether economic desperation destroys a once-solid relationship or forces you to kiss up to someone you once told to kiss off, it’s hard not to feel like a loser when you have no money left to lose. Working hard when you feel like a loser, however, is a much tougher feat than working hard when life is fair and the rewards flow in. If you refuse to hold yourself responsible for hard times and give yourself proper credit for what you do with them, you can survive periods of apparent dependence and humiliation without losing faith in yourself or the truly priceless values you stand for.
-Dr. Lastname
I know my husband wants a divorce because I’ve worn him out with my up-and-down moods, emotional crises and being unemployed and dependent on him for the past three years. It’s lots more than he bargained for, particularly since we never wanted kids and married five years ago for companionship, when we were both making good money and never thought one of us would have to support the other until we were both retired and had good pension plans. Now I can’t afford to let this marriage end, not just because I still love him, but because I’m broke and have nowhere else to go. I haven’t given up on trying to find work—I’ve kept up a steady search, and I’m not too picky—but it’s been very discouraging and my chance of getting anything like the salary I got before I got sick is very slim. So I’m scared shitless he’ll get a lawyer, force me out, and lock the door behind me. My goal is to figure out how to postpone that day until I’m back on my feet.
When uncontrollable events make a nice, companionable partnership increasingly burdensome and loveless for one or both partners, said partners can very quickly turn into archenemies. When two people can no longer turn to each other, turning on each other becomes their next option.
During what amounts to a marital Armageddon, finger-pointing abounds, and you could easily see your husband as a fair-weather promise-breaker, he could see you as a needy leach who promised a lot more than you delivered, and mutual accusations could bring out nasty behavior and more destruction.
Your first goal is to keep a lid on the potential ugliness, but even shutting up can be dangerous. Acting as if you don’t give a damn, or feel like the injured party, or both, can stir up trouble without a word’s being spoken. You need to define and own a positive goal in order to manage an extremely negative situation and keep everything from falling apart. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 1, 2013
Since we now live in a mostly-online world where everything is a loss/”fail” or victory/”for the win,” it’s normal to regard death as the ultimate fail since we’d give almost anything to prevent it from happening to ourselves and those we love (although if it happens to our worst enemies, it’s a win situation, even if most of us wouldn’t even admit that in Youtube comments). In reality, we disrespect our humanity by considering ourselves defeatable by something we don’t control, and what we do with ourselves and our family and friends when someone is dying or otherwise afflicted is what makes us great/gives us p0wnage of mortality, at least for a little while.
–Dr. Lastname
After 15 years of homelessness, prison, jails, rehabs, psych meds, medication management, horrific poly substance abuse, and occasional hopeful stints of sobriety, our son overdosed two months ago. He was 30 years old.
All the years of fear, guilt and depravity notwithstanding, his father and I miss him terribly. I won’t go into the efforts (financial, emotional, time) to get/keep him sober that consumed our entire family for the last decade. Lets just say our son’s use of his drug of choice, heroin, has been the 24/7 of our lives. I could write a book about police cars in the driveway, family sessions I’ve sat through with green rehab “counselors” who appeared to be clinging tenuously to not using themselves, and the finer points of being frisked by zealous prison guards.
Some days, like today, all I can remember is what a horrible slog it’s been. Other days I remember my son’s big, kind heart when he was himself, his ability to read a room, and the way he only talked when he had something to say.
I’ve examined our family life over and over, and I had pretty much come to grips with the past, and the present. The future was plainly jails, institutions, or death. I knew all this, and had many sleepless nights to steel myself for the inevitable.
Of course when the inevitable arrives, it is a total sledgehammer to the heart and mind. The worst part is this: his father and I had kicked him out of our home (again) where he was living (again) because he was shooting Xanax. He actually got the Rx for Xanax from the same doctor that prescribed his Suboxone (why heroin addicts should not be prescribed Benzodiazopines is another post). Later that night he died of an overdose from a lethal mix of Xanax and heroin.
So, he is dead, after we pushed him out in an argument. No goodbyes, no “I love you,” just unkind and hurtful words.
In a way I feel this was our son’s final selfish act, leaving me a lifetime of guilt and replaying that night he left over and over in my mind. I feel I’ll go crazy if it doesn’t stop. I don’t want to live this way for the rest of my natural life.
[Please note: We usually edit submissions for length and clarity, but we felt this was so well-written that it should be left almost entirely intact. If the author ever follows through on her threat to write a book, we would read it.]
The usual way we judge ourselves as parents is by the way we help our kids survive and grow, even if we can’t make them happy. That standard is usually fair, unless your child suffers from a disease that nobody and nothing control, from doctors and medication, to the child or the parents who feel responsibility for his/her survival.
The toughest thing in the world then is to judge yourself properly when you still can’t stop your son from dying, unhappily, in the midst of drug abuse and conflict. It’s a mix of every kind of hell, because you feel you’ve failed, that he failed, and that the universe has failed everyone involved.
Unfortunately, we live in a world where nice kids get addicted to horrible drugs, nice parents can’t save them, and part of the illness of addiction is that the kids fuck up again and again, and you can’t keep them at home when they do. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 25, 2013
Some families are horrible to live with because, although everyone means well, their individual suffering and sensitivity make them act badly, while, with other families, a rejection-sensitive demon-spawn who does not mean well is torturing the clan from within and acting like a terrible beast. So, before letting your own family-focused feelings drive you into conflict or away from the fold, ask yourself how well your family members can behave and under what circumstances. Sometimes better behavior management can help their good intentions overcome their bad moods; other times, the only way to help is to build a solid wall, slip out the door, and solder it shut, like you mean it.
–Dr. Lastname
I feel like the depression and anxiety issues of my husband and three sons is literally sucking the life out of me. There are days here and there when one of them will be in a good mood, but for the most part it’s gloom and doom, and their inability to make a decision about ANYTHING has become equally exhausting. I know they can’t “snap out of it”, just “get over it” etc., and they’re all receiving professional care…but honestly, after a couple of years of this, I’m wearing down. I have lupus, and while I’m generally a positive, happy sort of person, I’m at the point where I really do need their assistance sometimes. I’m starting to feel like my hair could be on fire and no one would even notice, much less get up to help. Sometimes I can get one of them to take the dog out, or bring the laundry downstairs, but it practically takes an act of congress to make it happen…and we all know how that process goes. I want to be supportive, and feel I’ve done my best to be patient and tolerant…but how do I protect my own health and sanity while this situation drags on?
If your family has turned into a misery association that is dragging you down, imagine if it was possible to quit your current family and find a new one. After all, If a workplace is often compared to a family, then it should not be hard to picture leaving your position at Misery and Frustration Inc. for a position elsewhere.
This fantasy also forces you to think about your own goals in life, aside from your response to their depressed feelings and unhelpful, apathetic behavior. As a parent, it’s easy to put those things on the back-burner while you try to make them happy, but as a professional, you’re supposed to think about what needs to get done before quitting time. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 14, 2013
Most of us feel driven to help someone who’s in pain, whether they want it or not, but as sitcoms, Jodie Foucault books, and alcoholics have tried to teach us over and over again, stepping in to relieve or prevent suffering isn’t always a good idea. The sad reality is that lots of pain can’t be helped, and the sufferer is the only one who can make the tough decisions required to manage that pain effectively. Helping, then, is often less a matter of providing relief and more of encouraging people to ignore pain that they can’t change and take credit for the good things they do about it. The outcome isn’t as dramatic as it is when you attempt to rescue someone, but it’s often a lot more meaningful for everyone involved.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m a resident advisor in a college dorm (it’s free room and board, and I’m a psych grad student, so it’s training of sorts), but I’m stuck because I don’t know how to help one of the kids on my floor. He’s severely depressed and it’s complicated by the fact that his parents, who are Middle Eastern, don’t believe in mental illness and think he’s supposed to just get over it, so they won’t pay for treatment and would probably accuse him of shaming the family if they knew he got it. For a couple years, he was cutting his arms while keeping it a secret and not letting it affect his grades. Lately he says he’s stopped cutting but often thinks of suicide and sometimes gets into a strange, spacey state of mind where he’s caught himself standing on balconies and thinking about jumping. He’s a good kid and he denies being traumatized (I think he might be in the closet, and with his parents, I understand why he’s afraid to come out), but he obviously needs help. My goal is to find him the help he needs.
Before trying to help someone who’s suicidal and restricted by his own beliefs from getting help, you’ve got to remind yourself that your powers are sharply limited, and that, even under the best circumstances—if you had a practice and he was a willing patient—his case would be a challenge. This is the stuff they don’t teach you in school, or you’d switch your degree to finance.
You can coach him on his options, but the alternatives are all painful and there’s no guarantee of relief, so don’t expect to make him feel better; what you can do, however, is help him see his choices as meaningful and positive. In other words, if the desire to heal others is what’s driving your degree, it’s time to begin your coursework for Life is Unfair 101. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 11, 2013
Many women think that having a friend turn on you is just a call for better communication, deep soul-searching, and improved understanding, but “turning” as acceptable behavior is reserved for werewolves and superheroes, not friends; anyone who turns on you is probably not a friend worth fighting for, and such reaching out usually causes more harm than good. Instead of hoping to find a TV-like misunderstanding, unknown secret identity, or even a way to even the score, learn to accept the fact that friendships are not always forever. Stay true to your standards for friendship and learn strength and better rules for admitting people (without supernatural powers or super-Asshole-like tendencies) into your inner circle.
–Dr. Lastname
Recently one of my best friends arranged a party with some of our mutual friends and purposely did not invite me and avoided my phone calls (which I only realized after). I feel like she’s just stuck her middle finger at me– she knew what she did, it wasn’t a mistake as she’s already tried to cover it up which is the part that hurt the most. We’ve been good friends for over 9 years and this is the first time anything like this has happened. I was in shock and have not been able to stop thinking about it and why she would do that. I take my few close friendships very seriously and the friends that I do have I spend time on and treat with respect. I would never treat her the way she treated me. I haven’t talked to her about the way I feel, and to be honest, I don’t even know what to say…knowing her she would blow it over and pretend it was nothing. She gossips a lot about her other friends and now I can’t help but now wonder what she says about me. I’m so angry right now that I don’t want to talk to her anyway and plan on not answering the phone if/when she calls, but I guess my goal is to figure out if I should just move on and focus on my other friendships or try to resolve this. I hate losing a friend but I can’t trust her now and even if there is a way to resolve this our friendship is already different/altered.
F*ck Feelings has always encouraged a pragmatic approach to romantic relationships, and while friendships don’t have the same bottom line that marriages do, they do have a purpose, even if it’s not as grand as raising healthy kids, making a happy home, peaceably sharing space on the DVR, etc.
It’s hard to consider the purpose of friendship in the midst of feeling hurt and betrayed by an old friend, but it’s useful, because friendship isn’t just for the good feelings of shared secrets, emotions, shoes, etc.
It also connects you in complicated ways to family and community, so that an open falling-out with one friend, no matter how well justified, can cause unintended damage to other relationships, including ones that lie closer to your heart or are important to your ideals. For instance, confronting and losing this one friend may cause a domino effect, but instead of all the other connection friends falling down, they’ll all fall-out with you. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 18, 2013
When people who are both highly motivated and deeply depressed get unhappy with their own poor job performance, regardless of how little control they have over it, they often do something that makes it worse—walking out, acting out, and forcing themselves to play out the same scenario over and over again with jobs that either ask too little or too much. Obviously, you deserve better from yourself when you’re trying hard and can’t get good results, particularly when you must keep on performing, regardless of how badly you do or how tired you feel. There’s nothing wrong with pushing yourself when you’re sick, as long as you apply the right expectations.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve suffered from insomnia for years, and it’s only getting worse. I’m now on anti-depressants to try and combat the extreme lows of being constantly exhausted. I feel like my life is being dictated by the insomnia. I have had to quit a job, my social life suffers, I don’t enjoy anything I used to, everyday is a challenge to get through. If I had the choice I would choose not to go on it is just so debilitating. Currently, I manage to hold down two part-time positions that are very much “beneath” my education and experience, and only because one of them is casual and I can get away with not going in once a week or so when I feel like I can’t move. I know I’m a good worker but when the exhaustion gets the better of me. I feel like I perform poorly. Recently I’ve been offered a really good job, based on my past experience and friendly, pleasant, easy-going manner. My rested self would take the job in a second and count myself lucky to get in to such a great company. My exhausted self thinks I can’t do it and what happens when they find out I’m tired all the time and not as motivated as my resume would indicate. I probably could do the job but I just can’t make any decisions when I’m like this. Or should I just stay put and count myself lucky to be able to hold down these two jobs? I used to be ambitious and motivated with goals in life; now I’m just letting those go out the window while trying to get through each day. My goal is to figure out how to live with this in the best way possible, and how to make realistic decisions that are right for me based on my health without letting the insomnia make decisions for me.
While depression primarily messes with your head, the disease has clever ways of messing with your body, as well; it becomes a chicken-or-egg situation, with one wondering whether it was the misery that begat the exhaustion/inability to eat/constant hunger/etc., or vice versa.
Sleep disturbance is one of the worst symptoms of depression, which may include sleeping too much, too little, and at the wrong times, along with helpless fatigue and an irregular sleep-wake cycle that puts you out of step with the rest of the world. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 11, 2013
For people who suffer from mental (or almost any serious) illness, finding the right course of treatment is a lot like dating; the goal is to find a match that’s steady, provides what you need (even if it provides some minor things you don’t), and gets along with/doesn’t burden your family. The risk of side effects—not side effects themselves, but their risk—is like the risk of wasting time with jerks, unavoidable for almost every treatment, and weighing those risks against the need for treatment and its benefits is what makes medical decision-making tough. Since you probably wouldn’t go for an arranged marriage (or even a matchmaker on Bravo), you shouldn’t assume your doctor is responsible for finding a safe, no-side-effect treatment while you sit back and wait. Nerve yourself to do the research, face the risks involved and then give yourself credit for the required courage, no matter how many medicinal Mr. Wrongs you face along the way.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m glad my wife was finally helped by her third antidepressant, because she’s now a lot less grumpy with me and the kids and she no longer seems touchy and unhappy all the time. The trouble now is that she’s less interested in sex that she was before, if that’s possible, and it leaves me feeling frustrated and ignored. It’s sad, because we used to have great sex and it always brought us together, and now we’re under greater stress than ever and she acts like sex is just more work. I don’t want to sound like her wanting to have sex is more important than her not being depressed, but I can’t pretend her total lack of interest isn’t hard to deal with. Surely there’s a better solution to her depression, so my goal is to help her find it.
I wish I could tell you that the treatments for depression are surefire and reliable, but they aren’t. This is due partly to the mysterious nature of the brain, but also because no doctor worth his or her salt will tell you that any treatment is 100% effective, 100% of the time. Even Athlete’s Foot can be tricky (and also decrease libido, at least for one’s spouse).
That said, finding the medication and/or therapy to relieve depression is especially tricky, so it’s important to remember that whenever you hear the words “this treatment has proven effective,” what they mean is “better, on average, than nothing.” So, unfortunately, there may be no treatment better than the one your wife is now taking, even though it’s the worst for her sex drive. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 7, 2013
As anyone who’s loved someone crazy or addicted knows—or really, anyone who’s watched any non-duck or -storage related programming on A&E—some addicted and/or mentally ill people take too much responsibility for the impact of their behavior on family, and others put too much responsibility on their family for saving them from themselves. In actuality, your job is never to act on your feelings of responsibility until you’ve first observed, and then accepted, what you actually control. The result may suck, and leave you feel totally helpless, but you need never be a slave of guilt when you’ve done what you can with what you’ve got (which is hopefully more than basic cable).
–Dr. Lastname
My wife (we’re gay) has Tourette’s syndrome, anger issues, and a tendency to drink more than she should. I have Bipolar disorder, and an obliviousness to other people’s feelings that is sometimes intentional, sometimes not. My wife and I dated for seven years before we got married, so it’s not like we didn’t know each other’s diagnoses and drama, but most for most of that time I was well-medicated, held down a full time job with benefits, and felt like I wasn’t being my real self. Last summer my anti-depressants kicked me into a full manic break. “God” told me to start collecting camping/survival gear and move in with friends in my home state to work on a civil rights campaign and spend time with my family. We won the campaign, and I got some cherished time with two relatives in their dying days, but I completely f*cked us financially, and ruined my wife’s trust in me. She is adamant that marriage is forever, whether we’re happy or not, and we are going to make it work. I love her, but I’m pretty sure I’m an Asshole, there’s no reason to believe this won’t happen again, and if she doesn’t get rid of me I will ruin her life, whether I want to or not. She wants stability and kids. I don’t think I can provide those things for her. My goal is to reconcile my wife’s expectations with the real limitations imposed by my case of crazy.
As we’ve often said, the best way to know for sure that you’re not an Asshole™ is the fact that you even considered the possibility that you’re an Asshole™. Assholes™ may feel injured, but, since they know it was someone else’s fault, they never feel guilty. Sadly, as a non-Asshole™, you’re forced to feel both.
So just because you’re mortified by what your last manic period did to your family finances doesn’t make you an Asshole™ or a dangerous marital partner, even though that’s the way you feel. It just makes you a good person struggling with a bad illness. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 4, 2013
Even though we now live in an age when communication is technically easier than ever, there are still plenty of people who have trouble interpreting other people’s words; their phone might get a clear signal, but their brain does not. Some people read too much into what others think of them while others are oblivious, but no matter how you tend to misinterpret your fellow man, don’t trust your feelings-skewed understanding until you’ve first looked at the evidence and given time and experience a chance to tell you whether you’re making the right call or dropping it.
–Dr. Lastname
My problem is a lack of trust and a great deal of insecurities. I am suspicious of my boyfriend and of my friends. I feel like everyone had ulterior motives, and I can’t help that being the first thing that springs to mind if someone is too busy to see me, or even if they ask me to do something with them (my thoughts – maybe they feel sorry for me). I feel sorry for myself, when I have no great reason too. My life isn’t so bad. This might not sound like much but to be tormented with it everyday… It feels like much. My goal is to trust and have more confidence in myself and in others.
It’s a mistake to lump mistrustful feelings together with mistrustful actions when you describe yourself as a mistrustful person; lots of people describe themselves as having bad tempers, but not all of them allow those tempers to land them in jail.
As such, if you mistrust your boyfriend enough to dump him for no reason or force him to list the reasons he loves you every day, then you’ve got a serious problem. Not serious enough to be criminal, but serious enough to be screwed.
If, on the other hand, you have mistrustful feelings but have nevertheless found yourself a trustworthy boyfriend and sustained a relationship that works for both of you, then you’ve got a painful syndrome that you’re managing very well; you’re not mistrustful, then, you simply feel mistrust. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 28, 2013
Everyone will tell you that there are valuable lessons to learn from bad experiences, but unfortunately, there are some valueless lessons as well if you misinterpret your misfortune. For example, some people read too much into their painful experiences and become afraid to take new risks, while others learn almost nothing and have to retake the lesson/get screwed again and again. The answer is not to sample your crises like Goldilocks—trying to find a response that is not too much, not too little, but just right—but instead, to ground yourself in values that help you determine what risks are worth taking, what feelings are worth keeping to yourself, and what’s truly worth learning for the future.
–Dr. Lastname
The end of last year I was able to stop taking my anti-depressants after about 4 years. I feel good, my drinking is in control (though I do sometimes feel the old instinct that, when I’m stressed, a drink will help, though after one sip I know it won’t). I’m free of my fear of going outside my apartment or with groups of people. I did see a therapist, which helped me so much, though we never found out what triggered my depression, so I have a deep worry that it might come back. I know there is no point worrying about something that might never happen (I fully believe that its just a waste of time), but I doubt my relationship will survive another ride on the depression roller-coaster as it was nearly destroyed the first time. Also, my partner is concerned as I hope to have kids at some point and my partner has read that postpartum depression is worse if you have suffered depression before. The thought of being ill again terrifies me and I want to avoid that black hole anyway I can. Should I try to work out why I got depressed before? Is postpartum depression something I should be concerned about what the time comes? If I can somehow prepare myself then I’m hoping that if/when depression comes knocking again I might be able to put up a better fight.
After experiencing and surviving the pain and repercussions of a bad bout of depression, it’s normal to fear recurrence, but that fear is often worse than the thing itself; that’s certainly true with depression, as well as heights, spiders, and gays.
In fact, a PTSD-like syndrome of anxiety is common among people who’ve survived such painful and intense symptoms, so it’s important that you pay as much attention to managing the fear of depression as to treating the depression itself.
It’s understandable that you want to figure out a way to prevent recurrence, but reassuring yourself that everything is going to be alright is as misguided as parents’ insisting their kids they can grow up to be whatever they want; whether you’re hoping to rid yourself of depression or reach the major leagues despite being a one-armed girl, the odds aren’t good, so don’t make the mistake of reassuring/promising yourself that it won’t happen again.
In reality, as with all problems, real consolation comes not from putting the trauma out of mind completely, but from knowing that, whatever happens, you survived the first time and acquired a lot of weapons you’ll use to fight depression if and when it comes again.
Of course, fear will tell you that you and your relationship barely made it, but the fact is, you did make it, which is a great accomplishment. Now you’ve found treatments that work and, most importantly, you know that depression is just a bunch of symptoms, it’s not who you are; it wasn’t personal and you weren’t lazy, just unlucky and sick. Don’t get so freaked, then, by the harm a postpartum depression might do to your kids and/or marriage that you forget that child-rearing and maintaining relationships is always risky, and that you have developed good tools for managing that risk.
Yes, you have a chance of having a post-partum depression, but instead of terrifying yourself with thoughts of that possibility, investigate what you can do to decrease the risk. For one thing, you’ll find you can take antidepressants, even while pregnant; their risk of harming a fetus is low and outweighed by their ability to protect you (and the fetus) from its crushing symptoms.
And don’t fall prey to the notion that because medication has risks, it’s automatically unsafe to take, or that you’re weak or dependent to do so. It means you have an obligation, as with any danger, to weigh benefit against risk by sizing up the chance that your symptoms will come back and deciding whether treatment is worth it. So ask your doctors (and do your own research) to inform yourself about the odds of relapse. If they’re high, find out what the risks and benefits are of taking antidepressants as a preventive vitamin.
Instead of letting depression persuade you that you’ll ruin your family by making your partner and children miserable, treat it like any other disabling illness that tests most families, sooner or later, and teaches them how to survive hard times. Get your arsenal ready for fighting the negative thinking that depression both causes and is caused by.
Don’t let your experience make you a depression-phobic; remember how well you handled that depression, take a cue from the gays, and counter that fear with pride. We’d gladly see that parade.
STATEMENT:
“I can’t think about depression without feeling overwhelmed by fear. I know, however, that fear distorts my thoughts and that my experience with depression has made me much more knowledgeable and better equipped to manage it. I will prepare myself and take any reasonable risk that will allow me to stay as healthy and functional as possible, regardless of whether it recurs.”
I don’t see how I can go back to working in my family’s car business because my brother is such a dickhead. I’m broke and I need the work, and my father doesn’t mind if I work there, but my brother and I have never gotten along, and the last time we worked together he was so insulting, day after day, that I finally picked up a tire iron and we would have killed one another if they didn’t pull us apart. I promised to bury the hatchet and keep my mouth shut—as I said, I need the money—but I was back at the shop for barely four hours when he started up again and I had no choice but to punch him in the face. My goal is to teach my brother to leave me alone, so I can work at the family business when there’s no other work around.
Most of us have an instinct to push back when we’re pushed, particularly if the pusher is aggressive and insulting (and a blood relation). No words are necessary and we don’t have to be in a bad mood—all it takes to get triggered is getting cut off in traffic or a dirty look from a spouse. Maybe this instinct helps us protect ourselves from predators by showing them we’re too much trouble to dominate, but more often than not it just makes assholes, inmates, and/or corpses out of everyone.
Unlike the woman above, whose depression has taught her fear and pessimism, you don’t seem to have learned anything from your many fights. Like her, however, your response is based on feeling, not reason, so it’s both about learning from experience, as well as restraining your emotions.
Your brain is obviously wired to fight back, so if someone pushes, you feel obliged to return the favor, even if you aren’t necessarily looking for a fight in the first place. Trouble is, once that instinct gets hold of you, it gives you no choice but to fight, and the results in the real world usually suck for everyone who isn’t a Hollywood hero. Tough guys get arrested, sued, betrayed, beat up by other tough guys, and, like the rest of us, old and too weak to throw much of a punch.
So instead of just following your instinct towards fury, ask yourself whether you want to satisfy that instinct or control it. Sure, satisfying it feels better in the short run but, you guessed it, always ends badly. Controlling it is hard, takes lots of practice, and it’s what the authorities want you to do, which may make it harder for you to decide whether it’s what you want to do for yourself. Until you control that fighting instinct, however, there’s nothing anyone can say that will protect you from endless fights with your brother and others.
Wanting to control it is no guarantee that you can, and neither is therapy. If you decide to control it, you will probably need to work at building your control day by day, one day at a time, like AA, getting religion, or a gym membership. You can call it anger management, but you’d be better off calling it humiliation tolerance and/or finding goals that are more important than insult and injury (like making a living or being a good guy) and reminding yourself about them, hour by hour. The only thing you have to fight is the urge to fight, and the tire iron won’t do you any good.
STATEMENT:
“I can’t stand to feel pushed around and I take pride in being the guy who never starts fights but who knows how to finish them. I know, however, that fighting always ends badly in an unfair world and I have goals that are more important than what anyone says or does to me, particularly if they’re assholes. I am proud of myself for pursuing those goals regardless of how assholes make me feel.”
