Posted by fxckfeelings on August 2, 2010
If life is inherently infuriating, then aiming for a permanent state of inner peace is just asking for more frustration and rage, especially if you are already one of the temper-impaired. A good person isn’t the angel with the beatific smile of love, but the pissed off banshee who grins and bears it, acts decently, and knows how to negotiate. Inner peace our ass.
–Dr. Lastname
I have a hot temper, Latin temper, whatever. I am tired of losing my shit and want more control. I have two children, a loving husband, a usually good job, a fine house and truthfully a full and rich life. So why do things like not getting out the door on time and literally spilled milk make me lose it? I should disclose that I grew up with insanity in my household, my father is a full blown paranoid schizophrenic, my mom a bit of a drinker, however that said I truly do try to parent better than I was parented. I wonder many times am I crazy and would like to have a better handle on my temper.
The kind of anger that ruins everything isn’t your problem. If it was, you wouldn’t still have the loving husband, good job, and lack of restraining orders.
It goes without saying then that you have pretty good control over your anger, but let’s say it, because it needs to be said. Your temper hurts and humiliates you and stirs your remorse, but it’s not ruining your life because you’re good at managing it.
It would be nice if you could get rid of your temper and become sweet, calm, and serene, but for most of us, our temper is part of the internal wiring. Sure, your parents/family history might contribute, and exploring “the real cause of your anger” might help; but often it doesn’t. Usually, the temper you’ve got is the temper you’ve got.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on July 29, 2010
Fear isn’t all bad (e.g., fearing snakes goes a long way towards keeping you from poison venom). On the other hand, fear itself is stressful and painful, so our first instinct is to avoid it, no matter what…which is, of course, when things start getting really frightening. No matter how much we want to protect ourselves or those we love, it’s not gonna happen, so we have to accept the unavoidable scariness of life (and anacondas). It won’t necessarily calm you down, but it will give you the strength to do what matters, fear or no.
–Dr. Lastname
My wife and I liked to party when we first met (nothing too crazy, we just went out a lot), but we just had our first kid, so we now spend a lot more time at home. My wife used to be a fun, bubbly person, and she still sort of is, but ever since the baby was born she’s been really stressed out, worrying that something bad will happen and the baby will die. Not stuff she could possibly prevent, just a random act that would kill our child, and the stress is so bad she is haunted by visions of our son in a casket. I think she’s dealing with this stress by drinking a bunch of wine with dinner and getting a little more than tipsy. I’ve told her to relax about stuff she can’t prevent, but she says she can’t help it, and I don’t like that she’s drinking too much, and where that’s going to go. I want to see my wife get some treatment that will relieve her stress so she can stop drinking too much.
You might wonder how wanting to help someone could be bad, and it’s because, as goals go, it’s often one you can’t reach. If you don’t accept that fact before making your plans, you’ll make things worse.
Here, for instance, there’s a good chance she’s too busy drinking and/or avoiding her problem to heed your good advice and, at least at first, she may not be able to stop herself (and if she could stop herself, you probably wouldn’t be writing me in the first place).
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Posted by fxckfeelings on June 24, 2010
For those over-endowed with emotion, reacting without thought is dangerous, whether the extra burst of feeeeeeling comes from present love or past trauma. Flying off the handle isn’t good for anybody, so take time before booking your flight to remember that you’ve got better goals than to open your mouth and make yourself more miserable.
–Dr. Lastname
My ex and I had a drama-filled relationship and a rough break-up. Drama because I was drinking, which meant I was sometimes out of my mind, and rough because I got my shit together and tried to make it right with her but she dumped me anyway. The problem is that we work for the same boss, and now that we’re not together anymore, but I’m sober and sane, I’m wondering how to act towards her. Be friendly and normal? Are hugs in bounds? I can’t just ignore her, and I don’t want to, but things are strange. I want to show her that I’m cool, not nuts, and want things between us to be normal (whatever that means).
Be you an alcoholic or a Mormon, you have zero chance of instantly re-establishing friendship with someone you’ve just broken up with. Like cold fusion or a 2010 World Cup game without vuvuzelas, it’s never going to happen.
Since you are an ex-drinker, however, you should know that self-control is something you can never count on, particularly when your feelings for an ex-love are intense and her actions unpredictable.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on June 3, 2010
Very often, what we hate about someone we know well has everything to do with our immediate needs and frustrations, and nothing to do with their ability to be good friends or partners. Instead of sweating the little things, work out your own definition of what it means to be good to someone else. Then you’ll be able to protect good relationships from bad feelings, and protect yourself from bad relationships (that make you feel good).
–Dr. Lastname
I believe in being a good friend and a great brother, and because of that, I remember everyone’s birthdays, anniversaries, etc, so it really pisses me off when no one remembers mine. I always seem to give more than I get, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask since I’m able to keep track of those things. I have no choice when it comes to family, but I wonder if I’ve been choosing the wrong friends. I like being a giver, but I don’t like being resentful and letting them know that I’m upset doesn’t seem to do any good. My goal is to find better friends.
Don’t confuse being a giving person with being a good person. Being good is supposed to be selfless, but giving is a self-serving pleasure, and that should tell you that it’s easy to overdo and/or do for the wrong reasons.
You might think I’m wrong, and insist you’re giving because you enjoy it and want to make the world a better place. If so, you best put on a bib, because you’re talking a lot of shit.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 17, 2010
Some of the more interesting personality traits a person can have push hard against the constraints of fidelity; for example, the truly gregarious can’t limit themselves to charming just one person for the rest of their lives. Then again, those traits don’t make being faithful impossible, so before you make assumptions about these traits, be they yours or your partners, give yourself a chance to see if they can be managed, and have been managed, and whether managing them is worth the trouble. The management effort may never be easy, but nobody ever said fidelity was a breeze, and if they did, they were just trying to be charming.
–Dr. Lastname
I love how open-hearted and caring my girlfriend is, but I wish she’d be a little bit more selective with who she cares for. Specifically, she’s still in close contact with her ex-boyfriend, his friends, and even his family. I know she’s not interested in him anymore—he has a wife—but they have a large enough presence in her life that I’m jealous, just, well, creeped out. For example, this past winter we had to go to her ex’s parents’ anniversary dinner, which was limited to close family and us. What were we doing there besides feeling awkward (or really, was that just me)? I love this woman and want to marry her, but I don’t want to inherit her ex and his clan as in-laws. My goal is to get her to put up some fences in her personal life.
Remember Dr. Lastname’s first theory of relationships: your partner is who s/he is, and you are who you are. Then add up the pros and cons of partnership while not letting false hopes elbow reality aside.
Plug your situation into that model, and you get your goal. Don’t try to get your socially over-connected girlfriend to put up fences. Instead, figure out whether her style is likely to work for you.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 10, 2010
Everyone wants a feel-good, look-good family, but most of us relate to the more familiar feel-bad families on TV (which look good, and feel better by the end of the show). Still, there’s a difference between your average dysfunctional family unit and your genetic/step-parent clusterfuck. When your family situation is in truly bad shape, you’ve got to be tough enough to accept what you’ve got, then focus on making the best of those impossible relationships, outsider opinions be damned. Unlike those TV families, real problems don’t get solved after a half-hour, not everybody’s pretty, and you have to ignore your ratings with the audience.
–Dr. Lastname
I need to stay married because, while I work a pretty demanding job, my wife stays at home and watches our two kids, whom she adores. The problems are, however, (and there are many): she doesn’t work because of a migraine disorder that’s so debilitating that she’s on disability, and she takes too many non-prescription pain pills for those headaches, and, while they don’t make her a bad parent (I know the kids are safe), they often make her, in your words, a really needy, grumpy asshole and an impossible woman to be married to. I never know when she’s going to kick me out of the bedroom, scream at me in front of friends, or nod off after dinner. Needless to say, she won’t try marriage counseling or cutting back on the pills and thinks I’m bullying her if I suggest we have a problem. I can’t leave her, because it’d break the kids’ hearts, plus, like I said, she provides childcare, which is not something I could afford on my salary, and if I lost custody of the kids, I’d be in a worse hell than I am now. I know I can’t leave, but I don’t think I can live like this much longer. My goal is to find a better way to survive.
You’ve got good marital reasons for staying vs. leaving (the kids, the kids, the kids, and money, but also, the kids). There’s no escaping the fact, however, that her headache is infectious, and you’ve got it, too.
You’ve obviously built up a good, solid tolerance for living with your wife’s problems without fighting all the time, and your values and perspective are great. Which is why you probably already know that your goal is impossible.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 6, 2010
New technologies and the breakdown of old conventions have created more sexual opportunities and freedom, but really, the basics haven’t changed. Being of clear and honorable intentions might seem old fashioned, but the misguided lust, loneliness and guilt that can taint those intentions are downright Biblical. New conventions just mean new rules; just because love feels chaotic doesn’t mean relationships should be.
–Dr. Lastname
Last fall, I started hooking up with a girl who’s been a friend of mine since freshman year. It wasn’t anything serious, just your average friends with benefits deal, and neither one of us ever talked about her being my girlfriend or anything “real.” What I never knew before though is that this girl gets really depressed, and when she got really sick this winter, I was there for her because that’s what I’d do for any friend, whether we’re hooking up or not. She’s better now, but I’m kind of confused as to what’s happening between us. Sometimes I think I want to be her boyfriend, but I’m not sure I’m really that into her, and I don’t think she wants that from me, and at this point everything’s just really awkward and weird. I just want to know where we stand, or what I should do.
People often choose to be “friends with benefits” (FWB) because it seems easier than committing to a relationship, but don’t be so sure.
Having a FWB is like playing a fretless guitar that seems to offer musical freedom, but is actually more likely to produce noise unless you really know what you’re doing. In other words, don’t attempt a FWB situation unless you’ve learned what the rules are and can stick with them. It’s not for those who haven’t mastered their instrument.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 3, 2010
Poor, well-meaning, dedicated therapists and the patients who love/destroy them. After all, it’s enticing to let someone persuade you that you’re their guardian angel and the only therapist that can help. It’s a fun ride for everyone, at least until you realize that you’re responsible for something you don’t control, and they’re even less responsible than before for dealing with reality as it is. While this is a shrink-based site, we are the first to admit that therapists are not perfect people, especially when they get in in their heads that they actually are.
–Dr. Lastname
I have a 30-year-old patient whom I’ve been seeing in weekly psychotherapy for 6 months and he had a terrible history of sexual and physical abuse and years in state care. Amazingly, despite all his trauma and several prior failed treatments, he settled into a trusting relationship with me. He tells me I’m the first person he’s bonded with, and he’s been able to stop using cocaine, and, for the first time, sees some hope for himself. The problem is that he just got a new job, and I’m not covered by his new insurance plan. He wrote me a letter telling me how much he feels his recovery depends on continuing the treatment we’ve started and I feel professionally obliged to put his welfare ahead of my financial needs, but I’d like to get paid. My goal is to do right by my patient, and not trigger the feelings of abandonment that underlie much of his negative behavior, but I’m not sure how long I can afford to see him for nothing.
There are many therapists who believe the best thing you can do for a troubled patient like this is to “be there,” providing the steady acceptance and secure relationship that they need for healing. I’m not one of them.
The sad fact is that the healing power of currently available treatments is vastly over-rated and a good example of false hope and the harm it can cause.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 5, 2010
Despite all that Hillary, Michelle, and Jóhanna have done to break glass ceilings for women (the latter being the first female Prime Minister of Iceland, no small shakes), we still get letters from ladies with workplace issues caused not by performance, but by gender. Ironically, our answers are far more gender-neutral; workplace disagreements should always be professional and unemotional, whether you’re a man or a woman, or in or outside of the Arctic Circle.
–Dr. Lastname
My boss has never really been supportive of my work, but we get along well, and it’s partly because I haven’t asked for a raise in over 20 years. Recently, however, he began to give me a hard time about leaving early, and it’s really pissed me off because I work a lot at home on the computer (my husband and I have trouble getting reliable after-school childcare) and I take pride in working hard. (It’s particularly unfair and infuriating because I’ve had an unusually good year and everyone, including my boss’s boss, the big boss, knows it and I was even thinking now, finally, I would get a raise. Certainly not a reprimand. I’m reaching my breaking point here, because it’s one thing to work your ass off for poor pay because you like the work and the people on your team, but another to be bullied over nothing on top of that. I’m meeting with the big boss tomorrow and my goal is to get the credit I deserve and maybe give him a piece of my mind.
Reassuring women about their feelings instead of giving them a raise is something guys have done to girls (and communication-sensitive people of all genders) since the glass ceiling was made out of quills.
This is not to say that men are entirely at fault; women make it easy for guys to do this by bringing up their feelings as a reason/using them to push for a raise, instead of letting facts and economics do the pushing for them.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 11, 2010
Virtually all mammals resent being told what to do (don’t think your cat doesn’t understand you, he just doesn’t care what you think). Unfortunately, most of us with opposable thumbs have to earn a living and/or share a roof, which means learning to live with authority. You might not like your given overlord’s opinion, but, while both parents and bosses are often full of shit, your role remains the same; be respectful, mind your boundaries, and take their words just seriously enough so you don’t get fired. And, like any good, domesticated mammal, don’t pee on the floor.
–Dr. Lastname
My father’s always been a heavy drinker (if he is an alcoholic, he’s “high functioning”), but I love him, and I’ve always tried to make him proud. When he’s really sloshed, however, he tends to go on a lot about how much he loves my older brother, who’s a lawyer, and how impressed he is with him, and how great that brother is, and on and on until everyone else around him feels awkward (and any siblings that are around are pissed). It really gets under my skin, particularly when we’ve been matching one another drink for drink, but then I just feel guilty for being angry at my father when, after all, I’m a grown up who should be too old for this kind of thing, and, really, he’s a nice guy. My goal is to get myself to be less sensitive to the fact that I’m not Dad’s favorite.
There’s good news and bad news here; you’re right not to let fly with your resentment, but you’re wrong to expect your hurt feelings to go away.
If you’re a sensitive person, then you can’t stop the hurt, but you can stop it from hurting yourself or others. The trick is to shut your mouth, because, that way, you don’t let anger out, or alcohol in.
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