Posted by fxckfeelings on March 23, 2015
Unless you’re a professional football player, litigator, or interventionist (or an amateur Asshole), you probably don’t enjoy confrontation. That’s usually a good thing, since there’s a reason that confrontation and incarceration sound so similar. It’s not good, however, if you’re just putting off a showdown while you try to understand your provocateur’s reasoning, or because you’re too forgiving of confrontation-worthy behavior. Like the football player, self-protection is one of your most important jobs, so learning how and when to take a stand requires the same amount of attention and follow-through as it takes for society to make laws and police to enforce them. If you do your job properly, you’ll know how to get through to someone without having to go pro and/or get into their face.
–Dr. Lastname
It took a while for my pizza shop to become successful because I’m an outsider in this very small community, but I’m a friendly person and my pizza is good, so I’m finally starting to get lots of regular customers. My problem is that one of those customers likes to come in for dinner two to three nights a week with his two very hyperactive little kids— they run around the restaurant, yell at one another, and bother all the other customers while dad ignores them, eats his pizza very slowly, and reads the newspaper. He makes me furious because I don’t understand how he can allow his kids to be so rude and obnoxious, and I’m worried about his driving other diners away. I’ve given him dirty looks and cleared his table forcefully, which he ignores. If I say anything, it just sounds angry, random, and, according to my brother who works with me, possibly offensive. My goal is to get this person to either stay away or leave the kids at home.
Whether you’re dealing with customers, relatives, or people who take up an entire overhead bin/park across three spaces/don’t wipe down the gym equipment when they’re done with it, it’s hard not to become over-reactive when people seem to disregard your expectations about personal space.
Unfortunately, the more reasonable you feel your expectations are, the more unreasonable you get when they’re ignored. If you were entirely rational, you’d assume their actions were their problem—evidence of stupidity or insensitivity rather than a personal insult—and do what was necessary to protect yourself. Unfortunately, you are not a robot, and, as such, you know from rage.
To you, rude people should know better and are disrespecting the rules of civilization. If they don’t respond to dirty looks or loud honks—indications that you are on to their willful disrespect—they are defying those rules and deserve punishment. While you, like so many, are tempted to provide that punishment, the result of such feelings, even when you’re dealing with your own kids, is almost always ugly and leads to trouble.
So stop expecting your customers to be civilized, or just knowingly uncivilized, and don’t feel obliged to improve their behavior. Instead, define the limits of bad behavior that you believe are acceptable in the space that’s your responsibility to control, then plan out a safe, polite and effective intervention. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 29, 2015
Strong emotions often push us to act without weighing consequences, simply because we feel helpless and need to take action; that’s why the world has so many unworn expensive shoes, memorial tattoos, and children born just before or after their parents’ divorce. In reality, we’re often screwed no matter how we choose to react, or we’re just panicking for no reason and no action is required in the first place. In any case, no matter the emotional forces, think first and act later, weighing your alternatives and acting only if you think it’s necessary. You might not feel any immediate relief, but in the long run, you won’t have anything (or anyone) to regret.
–Dr. Lastname
My grown son has always been very difficult, but his last outburst was just too much. He caught me at a time when I was having a tough time and felt vulnerable, and I told him I thought he was being a selfish, self-centered little shit, so he told me never to talk to him again and hung up. Unfortunately, even if I shouldn’t have said those mean things out loud, I was right; he’s a jerk, so none of his friendships has lasted and his kids are very careful not to aggravate him. Even though I feel really guilty about it, I just can’t bring myself to pick up the phone or write him and try to patch things up. I know that if I don’t reach out to him, I won’t see those kids, but if I do, I’ll have to have a conversation with him, which is just going to be unpleasant and end badly. My goal is to figure out a way to repair our relationship so I won’t dread talking to him or feel bad about being such a heartless parent.
The good news is that you’re living evidence that Asshole™-ishness isn’t always genetic. The bad news is that you have still spawned an Asshole™.
As we’ve said before, Asshole™s can cause serious harm without any real provocation; they’re usually very needy, and their neediness causes them pain that they think is your fault, particularly if you’re a parent or other person who stirs up those feelings by virtue of your very existence.
Asshole™s truly believe you deserve punishment. What you deserve, besides a better son, is protection. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 4, 2014
Loserdom, like Asshole™-itis, bigotry, or lupus, is rarely a problem for those who’ve convinced themselves they have it, and often a problem for those who’d never consider themselves susceptible. When you’re lonely, it’s easy to see yourself as a loser, and if you’re living with an Asshole™, it’s easy to get won over by his belief that everybody’s a loser but him. So, if you feel like a loser, check to see if you’re being unfair to yourself or too fair to somebody else. Then rate yourself carefully, give yourself the respect you deserve, and lose your bullshit diagnosis for good.
–Dr. Lastname
I escape into work, but really don’t have much of a life. I’ve worked in city government for 10 years and, since I’m really shy and not very attractive to girls, I haven’t had much success cultivating a social life, but I’m enthusiastic about my job. I enjoy mentoring younger co-workers, volunteering at city shelters, and coaching youth sports. My boss says she doesn’t know what she’d do without me, but it worries me that everyone else seems to have a personal life and I don’t. My goal is to live a more normal, balanced life and have a family.
Many of the expectations of a “normal” life are, generally speaking, sensible—going to college, getting married, and having a career are all smart things to pursue—but they’re also not possible or just desirable for everyone. Given that “normal” people also spend tens of thousands of dollars on weddings and line up overnight to buy new telephones, however, being “normal” is often overrated.
Very good people can have very real impediments to normalcy, like lacking some skill, or living in the wrong place with people who are on a different wavelength, so they don’t get the same social opportunities as others who may be much less talented or hardworking. They aren’t weird or inferior, just unlucky or unique. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 1, 2014
Everybody needs help sometimes—even Putin could occasionally use a hand dismounting his steed—but not everybody’s idea of what constitutes constructive help is the same. This disconnect can be especially unpleasant in families, because parents instinctively want to help their children, but if their children prefer their help to be more tempered or less tough, feelings are going to get hurt. If you can remember the good intentions behind the bad technique—be you the receiver of help or the giver—you can figure out ways to communicate constructively, even with someone who wants to do right but just can’t help himself.
–Dr. Lastname
I have a pretty good relationship with my mother, but I can’t really talk to her about my problems or ask for advice because she gives me an earful. I know she means well, but she always worries about me and has her own theories about the courses I should have taken in college and the jobs I should have looked for. If anything goes wrong, she has theories about whom I alienated and what I should have done to make people like me. Like, right now, I’m dealing with a bad break up, but I have to pretend to be cheerful on the phone with her, because once she finds out what happened. she’ll list all the ways I ruin relationships or make bad choices in partners. It’s impossible. My goal is pursue my own course without losing her support when I need it or having to hide parts of my life from her.
You’ve obviously gotten good at not taking offense at your mother’s recriminations and learning to accept her tendency to overreact. Unfortunately, understanding is rarely a two way street; just because you accept her flaws doesn’t mean she’ll be able to stop herself from giving you an earful about yours.
So, even though you don’t see her observations as malicious or let them trigger your own doubts, her inability to control her worries or her mouth makes it unlikely that she’s ever going to change. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 10, 2014
If illness is a painful condition that you don’t choose to bring on yourself, then being an Asshole™ is probably an illness, at least for those born with bad tempers, quick impulses, and no ability to see consequences ahead of time. Depression definitely is an illness, and one that often tricks the sufferer into believing he’s an Asshole™, even though real Asshole™s are incapable of self-awareness. Either way, Assholes™ usually blame others for what’s happening to them, whereas depressed people blame themselves, and neither group can get anywhere unless they can see their problem as a condition, rather than a fault. Then they can take responsibility for managing it without blaming themselves or others; a tall order for Asshole™s, a challenging one for depressives, but a worthy move for anyone.
–Dr. Lastname
I think my husband is sick, but he thinks he’s normal. After the last time he got drunk and threw things, he got carted away by the police and hospitalized, but he says the doctors at the psych hospital didn’t think he was depressed and there was nothing they could do to help him. He doesn’t drink every night, and he never hits anyone, but he can be a mean drunk. Even when he’s not drunk, he’s prone to quarrel with authorities, whether it’s a cop giving him a ticket or a waiter. I never know when his evil side will come out, and his mother told me he always had a wicked temper. My goal is to persuade him or his doctors that he has an illness and needs help, before he gets into major trouble.
All too often, either out of fear, denial, or both, people refuse to see symptoms of mental illness for what they are. If someone has wild mood swings, it just means she has an artistic temperament, and crippling phobias means he’s nervous, and hallucinating makes her fun at parties.
Sometimes, however, bad or self-destructive behavior has nothing to do with mental illness, or at least not the kind a doctor can do much about. A lawyer, maybe. Or an exorcist.
Two things might be wrong with your husband, both of which are not his fault, but they differ in the amount of responsibility he can or should take for managing them. It all depends on whether his anger is a symptom of illness, or a sucky part of his personality. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 3, 2014
Sometimes anxiety and depression are not illnesses, though they may feel like it; they’re part of every human’s normal alarm system, warning you that something painful or soon-to-be-dangerous needs your attention. When anxiety and depression randomly tell you that the world sucks, however, that’s when you cross the line from normal to unnecessary, requiring attention. Either way, never rush to discount what anxiety and depression have to tell you about the world, but never believe them until you’ve assessed the alarm and reached your own conclusion.
–Dr. Lastname
My anxiety has been better lately, but it kicked up last weekend after my roommate’s friends broke a window in our apartment while they were tossing around a football. My roommate’s a nice guy, but he doesn’t want to pay for the window because he says the landlord doesn’t take good care of our apartment in a bunch of other ways. Now I’m starting to worry about what will happen when the landlord sees the damage and whether it will come out of my security deposit, which seems unfair, since I wasn’t even here. Anyway, my goal is to figure out whether I should up my medication because the stress from this whole thing is really hard to take.
Anxiety, like tiredness or anger, isn’t inherently problematic; if we never felt these things, it would be a big problem, and a probable sign of drug use, lobotomy, or being dead.
The issue, of course, comes with feeling anxious too much, or tired all the time, or angry at trees for being lazy. The current anxiety you’re feeling is the regular kind; it’s your response to your roommate’s actions that need rethinking. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 22, 2014
The world of advertising has taught us that making good decisions, from choosing what car to buy to what gum to chew, requires a panel of experts; in the real world, however, four out of five friends or co-workers could agree on what’s best for you and still be extremely wrong. In reality, doing a careful, methodical evaluation often requires you to screen out distracting influences, whether they’re outside observers or inside antagonists. Then, no matter what you choose, you can unabashedly (or, in the case of advertising, literally) approve your message.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been dating a guy who’s ten years younger than I am, and I think we get along very well, but my friends have started calling me a cougar, and even though they’re joking around, it’s very embarrassing. I’m thirty-four and I’d like to get married so I’m not looking for an adventure, but neither is my boyfriend, which is part of why our relationship works. Still, I’m worried about what other people will think and how it might affect my boyfriend and hurt our relationship over time. I’m also worried that his feelings might change because he’s so young. My goal is to figure out whether I should continue this relationship.
When people warn against getting too swayed by appearances when searching for a partner, it’s easy to assume they’re just telling you to look for someone with more to offer than good looks. What they could also be saying, however, is that you need to stay focused on what’s important in a partner, no matter how your relationship appears to others.
In other words, don’t just go for a guy because he’s sexy, and don’t just dump a guy because your friends give you shit. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 17, 2014
No matter what drew you to your current job—having to pay rent, wanting to fulfill a lifelong passion, being forced step up where no one else can or will—you do the work because it’s got to be done, and if it didn’t, it would be called play. That doesn’t mean, however, that you can’t refuse to do work that you believe is not required, or that feeling underappreciated and overworked is always a good excuse to take a break. Instead of reacting to the pressure of your job, be objective in examining your job description. Then, whether you have to say no to someone who expects too much of you or deny your own wounded feelings, you’ll know you got the job done right.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m a photographer, so when my father asked me to take some portraits of a cousin and her husband as an anniversary present, I was happy to contribute. I went all out for them, and they seemed to really enjoy the results. Unfortunately, they enjoyed them so much that my cousin asked me to do more pictures, this time with their kids and grandkids, with the assumption that the next session would also be free. I tried to explain to her that I’d be losing too much money if I did another session—not just on rentals, but on my time—but she just took it as a personal offense, like I was breaking a promise to her and to my father. I’ve done everything I can to explain my position, but she won’t believe me, and while my dad seems to understand, he’s still pretty upset. My goal is to resolve this issue and get her to see that I’m not a liar, just someone who needs to make a living.
Whenever you have a dissatisfied client or customer, never tell yourself that the customer is always right. If your services are in demand, you’re going to meet many customers, and some of them, even if you’re related to them, are bound to be Assholes™.
An Asshole™ customer is rarely right because they’re rarely happy; no matter what you do, you’re dealing with someone who has inflated expectations and no sense of their own responsibilities or obligations. You cannot do right by someone who cannot be pleased. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 26, 2014
Character attacks, like drive-by shootings and lottery winnings, never seem to go to the right people; sensitive innocents are often used as pawns (and attacked, and tortured) in battles between those close to them, and clueless and insensitive idiots refuse to accept any criticism as valid. Whatever emotional hurt you experience, dish out, or deny, your moral judgment of the behavior being criticized counts most in the end. Hurt fades quickly if you see no wrong in what you’ve done, and if you see wrong in the actions of others, what you do to avoid them is more important than calling them out and getting to their feelings, certainly if you have something of a drive-by nature in mind.
–Dr. Lastname
I feel ashamed that my weaknesses are opening my son to a vicious attack by his ex-wife’s lawyer. She’s a monster and her lawyer is trying to make my husband and I look like we’re incompetent and even dangerous grandparents when it comes to caring for their kids. His ex-wife’s lawyer told the judge that, because I’ve been hospitalized for mania and alcoholism, I shouldn’t be allowed to care for my grandchildren, and then demanded my medical records. I can’t defend myself, because it’s true, even though I’ve been sober and doing well for the past year and have never endangered those kids. My goal is not to let my illness jeopardize my son’s custody of his kids or prevent me from helping him care for them.
If there’s anything positive you can take from the experience of being attacked in court for having mania and alcoholism, it might be that, as a grandparent, you’ve been given the chance to feel like a kid again; specifically, like a child being attacked in the schoolyard for something you can’t help but are sensitive about. Everyone laughs, it hurts, and the bully gets a win.
Since you are an adult, however, and not a nervous little kid, you can recognize that, just because you’re ashamed of something, and someone attacks you about it, doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. Unfortunately, bullies often grow up to be Assholes™, and some of those Assholes™ trick nice men into marrying them (or just get law degrees). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 23, 2014
Of all the instinctual emotions the deserve to be second guessed—i.e., lust, hunger, blind cooperation with the statement, “holy shit, this milk must be a decade old, smell it!”—fear deserves the most examination and contemplation before fully giving in. That’s because sometimes we feel very threatened when we’re actually stronger than we think, and sometimes the threat is, indeed, immense, but we’ve done much more to fight it than we recognize. Whenever you’re threatened, don’t let anxiety tell you that you’re helpless and have done nothing worthwhile. Assess your actual options and accomplishments before you let anxiety control your choices or self-respect. In other words, think before you jump (or get a nose-full of bad dairy).
–Dr. Lastname
I’m afraid my father-in-law is going to destroy my marriage. He gets insulted over nothing, and holds grudges forever, so spending time with him is torture. My wife has no trouble admitting her father is like that, and while she doesn’t exactly take his side, she wants to maintain some kind of relationship with him. I want to keep him away from our home and kids completely because he makes me very nervous—it’s already hard enough to take care of them while also trying to manage my business—but she won’t cut him off. My goal is to protect my family without letting him break up my marriage.
Your father-in-law sounds like the kind of Asshole™ who would make anyone nervous; very quick to anger, slower to get over it, and never to stop blaming are the ultimate Asshole™ trifecta.
It’s understandable that he makes you so nervous and uncomfortable that your first instinct is to ban him from your house (or, ideally, shoot him into outer space), but your first instinct isn’t always your logical best choice. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
