Posted by fxckfeelings on July 22, 2021
When close family members are fighting, it’s natural to want to step in and make it stop. After all, you care about these people and don’t want to see them hurt or have them angry at you. But, as we always say, unless you’re a drill sergeant, judge or magician, making people do things isn’t an option. So before you try to get between to warring parties, even if you love/are related to them, here are five things to remind yourself of before getting sucked into family drama.
1)Examine The Previous Effect of Expressing Your Feelings
While speaking your piece has probably given you relief in the past and, if you were speaking to someone who cared about you but was uninvolved with the drama, it might’ve helped to clear the air and organize you thoughts. But if you’re speaking to someone who is involved, then you’re less “clearing the air” than “giving the fire oxygen,” all without providing any insight or argument that will actually clear the conflict up. Experience should tell you that self-expression is out.
2) Ponder Past Attempts To Be A Protector
When close family members are fighting, it’s natural to want to step in and make it stop. After all, you care about these people and don’t want to see them hurt or have them angry at you. But, as we always say, unless you’re a drill sergeant, judge, or magician, making people do things isn’t an option. So before you try to get between warring parties, even if you love/are related to them, here are five things to remind yourself of before getting sucked into family drama.
3) Assess Who the Real Assholes Are
Most families have at least one and, very much like the actual kind, s/he can be counted on to produce shit regularly, no matter how nice, thoughtful, and constructive you may be. Remembering how they are and their history of assholery, be careful not to share too much time or intimate information with them, as it only gives them material to “digest.” And be ready with polite scripts that will allow you to disagree and disengage whenever necessary (see below).
4) Stick to the Script
Rehearse some scripted lines, crafted from your experience of past conflicts, that will help you assert yourself when necessary, i.e., when you have to calmly refute an accusation, provocation, or invitation to feel guilty, without provoking conflict. Tell them that you’ve given [their statement/horseshit] a lot of thought because it’s an important point and you respect their opinion, etc., but that you disagree and prefer not to get into why at this time. If they won’t let it go, then it’s time to express dismay to let them know you have somewhere you need to be that you also can’t get into and will be in touch soon.
5) Craft Constructive, Controllable Goals
Now that you’ve accepted that the smart choice is staying out of it and made that clear to the warring parties involved, that doesn’t mean that you can or should have to cut these people out of your life entirely. You can still figure out safe, positive, neutral things you can do to stay involved, like benignly checking on their welfare, expressing good wishes, and acting decently when insulted or mistreated (then getting the fuck out as soon as your mission is complete). Now that you know what you can’t do to help, be proud of the good things you offer, whether they’re appreciated or not.
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 8, 2021
Just as it is with Oreos and interneting, selflessness is best enjoyed in moderation. Too little, and you’re mean, selfish and approaching asshole territory; too much and you’re mean, guilty, and in need of a shrink. That’s because trying to help people, especially the ones you love is often impossible. It can drain you, open you to exploitation, and make you angry, which then makes you feel guilty and like you need to be even nicer, and on it goes down the toilet. It’s worth examining ways of helping those you love, but only if you can find a middle ground; your goal isn’t to solve their problems but to see if, with your encouragement, they can do better at making things better themselves.
-Dr. Lastname
My tween, much-younger sister is acting out, causing my (widowed) mother a great deal of stress and impacting her ability to make a living. I’m in my late 20s, living with my partner, and at a loss as to how to help manage my sister’s behavior going forward. When I have her stay with me she is polite, understanding, rational, and accepting of consequences. My love of routine seems to have a lot to do with this. As soon as she returns home, however, she falls back into negative patterns of behavior. I often have to leave work in order to negotiate their disagreements or to give my mother a “break,” which isn’t easy to do. Throw into the mix my current emotional state—questioning my life/career choices while trying to plan for the future—and I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed and completely out of my depth! My goal is to feel less overwhelmed and ultimately give my sister the best possible care and guidance.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on June 24, 2021
If, like your reader from earlier, you’re trying to stay positive about finding someone worthwhile after finding yourself with a string of assholes, moving forward can be tricky. Instead of trying to let go of the past, use it; mine it for lessons that can keep you from repeating your mistakes and becoming even more discouraged. So if you don’t want to let your bad experiences keep you from having the will to find something good, here are five ways of overcoming bitterness in relationships.
1) Forget Feelings of Betrayal
Having good times together, making promises of fidelity, and getting matching tattoos may make you feel as if you have a right to a good, long-lasting relationship, but you don’t. What controls a relationship, besides luck, is character, including how solid someone is and how well you work together when the times are pretty bad, the promises don’t come as easy and the tattoos get infected. Some people are deceivers—both of others and themselves—but it’s your job to look out for them, and now you know what to look for and when to run.
2) Work Past Feeling Weak
You can’t help feeling helpless when a relationship goes bad, and you’re certainly helpless when it comes to putting it back together or making yourself feel happy. In truth, however, you have a good way forward and you do know what to do, even if it doesn’t involve making your relationship, or your feelings better; you need to learn from the relationship, focus on doing everything else that makes your life meaningful, and ignore the pain until it goes away.
3) Ditch Further Discussions
Don’t expect talking about your post-breakup feelings to lead to any breakthroughs, mend any fences, or generally sort out what’s wrong. If a relationship has gone bad, you’ve already tried to express your feelings and it hasn’t worked. At a certain point, your feelings just keep getting more negative and the discussions more destructive. Shut up, restore your privacy, and communicate only what you feel is necessary and positive if you have ongoing matters together (e.g., work, kids, shared cat) that must continue.
4) Cut the Complaining
Yes, a little support from/venting to friends is helpful, but at a certain point, your friends will be sick of hearing about it and upset at how powerless they are to do anything. Plus the more you talk about it, the harder it gets for the wound to heal; your friends want to help you, but they’re not helping you if they let you keep going on about your ex and letting them live rent-free in your skull. Acknowledge your sorrow, but then invest in spending good time with your friends, not rehashing your misery fishing for good advice that doesn’t exist.
5) Get Back Out There, Whether Or Not You’ve Gotten Over It
At this point, you can’t trust your feelings, so it’s impossible to tell whether you’re still grieving or you’ve got the same dumb urges you always did. Instead, figure out what you should be looking for and go looking for it while exercising a much higher degree of caution and restraint. Use your pain as a reminder to slow down, be careful, and avoid emotional involvement until you’ve gotten to know someone and think they really check out. The best way to avoid becoming bitter about love is to keep moving; don’t dwell on past disappointment or let it define you, but do let it define the kind of person whom you think will be good for you so your next relationship will be less bitter, more sweet.
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 10, 2021
Since loneliness and a string of bad relationships can make you feel like a loser, it’s not surprising that most people assume finding someone new is the path to victory. And if you could order a perfect new partner through an app with free delivery, that would be fine. Instead, the search for someone new mostly requires luck—also not available to order—so making a good relationship your goal just makes you unfairly responsible for achieving the uncontrollable while pushing you to make bad compromises to avoid loserdom/loneliness. Instead, remind yourself that you’re never a loser if you do your best to be a good person and live independently with whatever loneliness is unavoidable. If you can do that, celebrate by ordering yourself something nice.
-Dr. Lastname
After a nightmare divorce and a shitty abusive relationship following that, I’ve been alone for three years now. I want a companion but I don’t know how to find one, or at least know how to find one that sucks less than the last two (I also don’t know how to change my attitude). By the way, I have three kids, which makes finding someone that much harder since single moms are, well, an acquired taste. My goal is to figure out how to overcome my past and, in some ways, my present in order to find a good partner.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on July 6, 2020
If, like our reader from earlier, your Asshole family is wearing you down, there are ways to keep your anger at bay that don’t involve drugs, lobotomy or mass murder. So here are five ways to deal with your Asshole family. You can’t get rid of their DNA, but you can stop their dumb bullshit from taking over your life.
1)Forget Fair
If you haven’t come to terms with this fact already, it’s time to accept that your family will never play by the same rules the rest of us not-awful people do. They will bully you according to their needs, ignore usual rules of behavior, and try to turn other family members against you when they decide it’s your turn to be a pariah. As you’ve likely experienced an infinite number of times, protesting will target you for punishment and make you feel even more outraged about their unfairness, even though they have no understanding of fairness in the first place. Yes, you should still try to treat others fairly, but expecting fair enforcement of rules with these people will just exhaust you and make their behavior even worse.
2) Build Boundaries
It’s natural to want or enjoy love and affection from your family—that’s what families are supposedly for—but if you need love or anything else from an Asshole there are always strings attached, regardless of family ties. Maybe, in exchange for their kindness or basic humanity, a family member will expect you to listen to their complaints, side with them against someone else, or generally get involved with the family drama you’ve tried so hard to avoid. So learn to keep your needs to yourself or know exactly what kind of quid pro quo they have in mind before you engage.
3) It’s Pushy, Not Personal
Assholes can’t help blaming others for the hurt in their lives, regardless of actual facts, so it’s hard not to feel a little bit guilty when that blame comes your way. If you notice what they say about other people, however, you’ll see they do the same thing to everyone. So, while the criticism may feel personal, especially after hearing it for so many years, remember that their shit-list is long and all-inclusive. It has nothing to do with you and what you’ve done and everything to do with who they are.
4) Get Selective With Guilt
Remember, it’s easy to feel guilty, even when someone isn’t trying to make you feel that way. And Assholes are especially good at making you feel responsible for their feelings because they truly believe you’re the reason they’re unhappy, even if you aren’t. So no matter how insistent they are or how persistent your guilty thoughts, push yourself to think hard about whether you’ve done actually anything wrong. In the end, you’ll build up the ability to fight unnecessary guilty feelings, whether Assholes have induced them or not, and trust your own judgment before guilt gets you in its clutches.
5) Family is Figurative
If the people you’re bound to by blood are boundlessly awful, then you can make a better family of your own. This doesn’t just mean marriage and kids, but finding good, caring people who are fun to be with, trustworthy, sane and reliable. Beware of people who immediately try to get too close and have an immediate effect on you, because they’ll turn out to be exactly like the family members you’re trying to get away from. Find people to get close to who don’t partake of the usual family pastimes, like complaining, blaming, using and scapegoating. If the family you were given rejects you, make one that accepts you instead.
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 5, 2020
Over the course of our lives, we gradually age out of many things—diapers, fast fashion, the ability to use hashtags—but one thing no amount of time and maturity can confer on us is the ability to prevent Assholes in our families from getting under our skin. Age and wisdom confer no superpower defensive shield against the pain and guilt Assholes cause, especially since they won’t stop causing it no matter how calmly and maturely you approach them. So if you’re descended from Assholes, expand your acceptance to include your own feelings, namely the negative and human ones that your family will always inspire. Don’t try to achieve a state of imperturbable forgiveness; that’s an inhuman standard for controlling your feelings that only an Asshole would impose.
– Dr. Lastname
I come from a family that is violent and alcoholic on one side and borderline/bipolar/crazy on the other; several relatives are all of the above. I’m over 70 now, so I have a lifetime of experience turning the other cheek, hoping for the best, and standing up for my values with integrity. All the same, I am tired of my family and their problems (none of which I exhibit to even a small degree, luckily). Even my patience has limits. My goal is to not feel hate for the whole fam damily and to fill in the chip they’ve nicked off my shoulder.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 28, 2020
The children may be our future, but in their present state some children, like the one a reader described earlier, cannot be taught well or allowed to lead the way (unless you want to be lead into jail). That’s because some kid are just Assholes, i.e., they’re impossible to reason with and a danger to everyone around them. Unlike adult Assholes, kids have the potential to grow out of it and change, but making limitless efforts to be that agent of change can make you into an Asshole yourself. So here are five ways to tell if your kid isn’t just troubled but an Asshole, a.k.a., trouble itself.
1) Pep Talks Have No Purpose
When someone won’t stop fucking up, it’s natural to believe that, if they only understood why what they’re doing is wrong and how it’s really hurting people then they’d finally get why it’s bad and put an end to it. But after discussing bad behaviors with this kid, the bad feelings they cause in others and their own bad feelings that might motivate them, nothing’s getting through. Your explanations fall flat, your limits are blown through, your explanations for your limits might as well be in Klingon…eventually, you have no confidence that anything you say or do will work to keep him safe or out of trouble. Then you find yourself expecting the worst and not being surprised.
2) You’re Not Alone
When none of your ideas seems to be working, try to compare notes with his other caregivers—teachers, case workers, therapists—to see what their experiences with him are like and what techniques, if any, they find successful. Review what they’ve tried and determine whether they seem unreasonable or kind and accepting. If they strike you as trustworthy and skilled and make it clear that, despite appreciating this kid’s strengths, formulating good rules and following through on simple, reasonable punishments, they also got nowhere, then you know you know it’s not you, it’s him (and the fact he’s as Asshole).
3) Absence of Empathy
One reason explanations and pep talks are useless—why telling him how much he’s hurting himself and others doesn’t seem to make an impact—is because he’s unable to register or be aware of how his actions make others feel, whether they’re peers or adults. Awareness may be blotted out by the intensity of his own emotions or compulsions, or, if he’s a true sociopath, may simply not exist, even at the best of times. He doesn’t seem to be avoiding empathy in order to avoid guilt, because he can be unaware with no good reason; he’s just wired wrong, so either his brain is currently bypassing his empathy chip or he never got one in the first place.
4) Compulsive Self-Harm
Unfortunately, this kid’s path of destruction doesn’t just take down external targets; when he’s in the wrong mood—overloaded with anger, frustration, misery, etc.—he can’t stop destroying his own things and/or hurting his own body. In recollecting the harm he caused, he shows no regret for what he’s done or wish to protect himself in the future. He may wish he didn’t feel that way again, but cannot imagine a good reason for not doing what he did given his feelings, or not doing the exact same thing should that feeling return. In other words, he doesn’t just lack empathy for how his actions impact others, but how they impact him and anything he cares about.
5) Assholes, Assemble
You’d think that being empathy-less, impulsive, and rage-filled would make human connection tricky, but Assholes, even young ones with violent streaks, often have no problem making friends, even if it’s just with people as awful as they are. As such, this kid has a talent for finding friends who do more bad things together than either one could ever accomplish alone. Sometimes, such friends aren’t assholes but just passive followers and sidekicks who are drawn in by the Asshole’s passionate, rebellious nature. In either case, these friends raise the risk of causing serious harm and undermining the (already weak) influence of your rules and management tools. Because, while you may at first find some hope in the fact that this kid made friends, friendships, like reasoning and empathy, won’t make an Asshole a better person. If you’re lucky, time, medication, and/or life experience may help. But in the meantime, don’t take their actions personally while planning what to do if your Asshole kid goes from impossible to dangerous.
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 17, 2019
Unless you’re a hairstylist, surgeon, or murderer, changing other people is basically impossible. Just because the flaws in your partner’s character are never going to change, however, doesn’t mean that you’re stuck with the bad behavior they cause. Shame and condemnation certainly won’t get him to improve. But if you can learn to keep personal criticism and angry feelings to yourself and describe bad behavior in terms of its dysfunction, rather than as evidence of purposeful malice, you can motivate a partner to improve his act while avoiding nasty struggles and intense argument. Then he might be motivated to work on those flaws before you become a murderer yourself.
– Dr. Lastname
I accept that there are things that are unchangeable in my marriage of three decades. I love my husband and want to stay married, but I am increasingly irritated by being the breadwinner, planner, homemaker, gift buyer, family relationship keeper, cheerleader, etc., etc., while my husband seems to slide through life without much effort. He is in therapy for depression related to a shitty childhood and current career issues, and I am mostly understanding; however, I have recently begun to blow up at stupid, careless (but not intentional) actions on his part, the most recent being his ruining my expensive kitchen shears during one of his typical, fruitless home improvement projects. It makes me feel guilty to make him unhappy, but I can’t seem to stop myself in the moment. I suspect I am also realizing that he may always be dependent on me, which is also frustrating. My goal is to figure out how to change the way I react before I kill him, our marriage, or both.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 30, 2019
When you’re frightened, dealing with trauma, or just generally vulnerable, you’re often forced to make big choices despite being in the worst possible state to do so. Feelings take over, so you may choose to do whatever feels good or just makes the fear or pain go away. Then you’re more vulnerable to being seduced into another abusive or traumatic situation, and that situation will create more strong feelings that make you doubt yourself, and on and on it goes. To avoid becoming a prisoner of self-doubt and helplessness, learn to see your real abilities and opportunities for what they are, regardless of what your feelings are telling you. If you can see beyond your feelings, strong as they may be, you’ll find your way to a safer, saner future.
-Dr. Lastname
I left my narcissistic, emotionally abusive ex-husband a year or so ago after almost 20 years together. We have two young kids, and he was so emotionally abusive that I left believing that he was the better parent, so I chose to have the girls live with him primarily and have joint custody. Since then, he has alienated me and my parents from my children. He is hurtful and mean during every interaction we have, but never in front of anyone or the girls. My girls do not want to come see me when it is my turn. I have no proof but I believe he is making the girls feel guilty about being around me. When I told the asshole he was damaging the girls for the rest of their lives with his behavior and feelings toward me, he said “I don’t care,” and has said multiple times that wants me out of my girls lives. I am tired of trying to see my girls and them crying because they don’t want to see me. I’m also tired of dealing with the asshole. On top of that, I have a wonderful new boyfriend who wants me to move across the country with him when he starts his new job, but I know that if I do that I probably won’t see my girls again. My goal is to decide if letting the ex have his way and staying away from my girls won’t only help them (by saving them from feeling so torn and guilty), but help me by allowing me to take back my life.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on January 24, 2019
No matter how many good reasons you may have for getting over a relationship and moving
on—he was never worth it, it was never going to work, you were catfished by a Russian bot,
etc.—heartbreak has a way of holding on to you, and holding you down, for far too long. Instead
of helplessly and hopelessly suffering through it, here are five steps you can take to get over
someone, even, or especially, if he was never worth getting under in the first place.
1) Busy Your Brain
Instead of wasting your time focusing on someone you can’t have (who probably isn’t worth having in the first place), distract yourself with more worthy pursuits like work, dinners with friends, hot yoga sessions, or any positive activity that prevents you from getting into trouble while also distracting you from your pain. These activities will also help to remind you that you have a life of your own, friends who care, and promises to keep. Your ex-addicted brain will look for ways to think about him and devise ways to change his mind, but the more you live your own life, the harder it will be for your thoughts to wander in his direction.
2) Mark Your Progress by Your Actions, Not Your Emotions
Your inability to completely forget him or feel as good as you did when he was around may tell you that your attempts to move on are futile. But remember, the feelings of happiness he once gave you were what convinced you he was worth being with in the first place, despite many more tangible red flags to the contrary. That’s why a better barometer for your progress isn’t how you feel but how much you’re doing despite those feelings of emptiness and withdrawal. Because the work you do and the attention you give to others despite being under the influence of heartache are a remarkable achievement and a sign that you’re on the road to recovery, no matter how rejected you still feel.
3) Relate But Don’t Ruminate
It’s good to share your sorrows with a sympathetic ear, like friends or a shrink, but only up to a point; an overly-sympathetic ear will encourage more rumination that healing, encouraging you to mope rather than move on. So yes, it’s good to know that friends care, your feelings are understandable, and other good people have made the same mistake and learned the same tough lesson. But it’s not good to wallow, whine, or waste time feeling sorry for yourself that could be better spent moving forward. So try to limit your complaints and choose only confidants who remember your strength and believe in your future, not those who magnify your helplessness and victimhood.
4) Learn and Live
Now that you’ve milked your heartache for every possible valuable lesson, don’t hesitate to put your new knowledge to work in the search for a new, more worthwhile partner. Yes, you may still be vulnerable, but you’re also smarter with the freshest possible memory of what the wrong partner looks like. Besides, the goal is to get right back to searching, not to get right back into a relationship; take your time during the process to review each candidate and develop a new, improved list of character criteria for a potential mate. Getting back into the search quickly isn’t about finding someone right away, but figuring out how to best utilize and develop your new knowledge, thus decreasing your chances of finding yourself as heartbroken in the
future.
5) Build Independence
While heartache is always a learning opportunity, it isn’t just there to teach us who to avoid or how to find the right person. As your heart heals, it should become stronger, not just smarter, and a strong heart is one that doesn’t necessarily need another person to feel whole. That means you shouldn’t license yourself to look for a partner until you’ve built up your independence by finding activities and friends that you can enjoy on your own. Recent experience should teach you many things, but one of the fundamental lessons should be that there are much worse things than being alone.
