Posted by fxckfeelings on September 16, 2010
Everything about having a kid, from the “birth plan” to the child’s name to the choice to procreate itself, is fraught and complicated. If you choose to have a kid, you feel responsible for making the experience perfect, and if you choose not to, you’ve failed to take a responsibility that many people believe you should. So, if you’re feeling guilt or regret, learn what triggers that guilt-reflex and how to disregard it when your own moral judgment clears you of wrong-doing. And if you could avoid naming your child any derivation of Aiden, all the better.
–Dr. Lastname
My younger brother and his wife just had a baby. While I’m thrilled for them and love my baby nephew to death, it’s been harder for me than I thought it would be. While I’m in my early 30s and don’t have any children of my own (but I do have a great husband), I’m not jealous. Actually, I feel guilty for not being jealous, or not holding my nephew and wishing I had a child of my own. I don’t understand why I don’t want kids, but I really don’t. When I married my husband, he felt the same way, but now he’s started talking about starting a family and I feel awful that I can’t get on the same page, or just can’t be normal and want a baby as much as I think I should. I want a second dog way more than I want a baby, and that I feel that way makes me feel terrible. My goal is to figure out what’s wrong with me and why I can’t be a mom.
If you and your husband agreed in advance to live in the country and he later decided he preferred Manhattan, you probably wouldn’t feel guilty about thwarting his desires by keeping him in the sticks, even if it made him unhappy.
So, while you wouldn’t like to deprive him of his dream, you wouldn’t feel guilty about it, either. Ask yourself then why having children should be such a different issue.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on August 26, 2010
Just as everybody wants to go to heaven without having to die, everyone wants to find true love without having to suffer through dates. Lucky people make it look easy, but good partners are very, very had to find. That’s because you can’t force someone else to change and changing your own personality is almost equally impossible. Know what you’re looking for, what’s important to you, and how much compromise is really possible. If you do, you’ll also know what all that dating is for and become better at protecting yourself from the hell of loving someone who can never be good for you.
–Dr. Lastname
Just after my girlfriend and I started dating, she decided she had to stop hanging out with her closest friends, not because I told her to, but because she decided they partied too much and it wasn’t good for her anymore. I supported that 100%, but it puts a lot of pressure on me to spend a lot of time with her since she literally has no one else to hang out with anymore. Plus, I have to travel a lot for work, which is why I took the job, because I love being on the road. Even though she knows this about me and tells me it’s OK, I can tell that my leaving town really depresses her and so I feel really guilty because I know she’ll be really lonely when I’m gone. I want things to work with her, but I can’t change who I am and don’t want to change what I do. What can I do to feel less guilty? How much compromise is too much?
I’m not sure if this is comforting, but it’s not guilt telling you that you’re making your girlfriend unhappy. I can see why this is confusing, because your girlfriend isn’t outwardly saying she’s unhappy, either.
Still, guilt isn’t your problem because you haven’t made vows, you don’t have bad intentions, and you don’t owe her something for giving up friends and a lifestyle that weren’t good for her in the first place.
You feel guilty just because you’ve chosen a lifestyle that may make her unhappy, but, given that you’re the ramblin’ kind, it’s also your responsibility to find out if you’re the right boyfriend for her.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on August 23, 2010
Family issues are the grist for any shrink’s mill, and while that’s good news for us, it’s bad news for almost anyone with a relative. After all, you can’t choose your family, but you also can’t choose how the people you marry—those you bring into your family—will or won’t gel with their new kin. Knowing that most of those mismatched relationships can’t be fixed might not be what you want to hear, but it’s the truth, and if you can accept it, you’ll still be unhappy, but at least you’ll save money on therapy bills.
–Dr. Lastname
My family, whom I’ve always been close to, has never liked my wife—they didn’t like her when we were dating, they did a shitty job of hiding how pissed they were when I said we were going to get married, and they still don’t like her now. I know she can seem pushy and anal-retentive, but she’s a good person and she’s been incredibly supportive of me. When we started dating, I’d just lost my job, but she stood by me and even helped me find work again. When we needed a new place to live, she took charge. I’ve tried to get my family to see her the way I do or, if they can’t, at least be polite, but they always manage to undermine her plans and mock her way of doing things, and it drives her nuts. I can’t keep forcing my family on her if things don’t get better, but I don’t want to stop seeing them. My goal is to get my family to change before they drive her, and me, away.
There’s a special kind of torture in trying to make peace in vain. If we all had Hillary Clinton’s job, we’d probably just give up and wear pantsuits, too.
At least your peace-making efforts are not doubly cursed with your wife’s accusing you of being unsupportive and not standing up for her…or maybe you’re not telling me the whole story because you’re forever protecting your wife’s back.
Either way, I assume that sharing your concerns with your family hasn’t worked. Indeed, telling them they’re hurting your wife’s feelings may feed their hope of changing or punishing her or driving her away, and then they’ll act worse. If so, it’s time to shut up and give up on trying to solve this problem and instead ask yourself how to make the best of it.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on August 19, 2010
Will power is a lot like Sarah Palin; for all the credit and attention it gets, it actually rarely accomplishes much of anything. The truth is that eating and the self-hate it causes are a major challenge for most of us, and it never, ever stops. Holding yourself or others responsible will seldom improve your control, your weight, or your relationships. The best way to deal with weight issues is also a lot like how you deal with Sarah Palin: accept that they won’t go away, and don’t let your feelings ruin your appetite.
–Dr. Lastname
I am a divorced 26-year-old (I have been divorced for almost 5 years). My marriage was a toxic abusive relationship. Regardless of that, I feel “happy,” I have realistic career goals, a loving family and boyfriend. Everything adds up, but I feel as though my happiness is a mirage. I’m happy with everything and everyone but myself. I just never add up to what I feel I should be or can be, especially when it comes to the number on my bathroom scale. I feel as though I will never be thin enough. I know it is unnatural to feel this way, being that I’m thin for my height, but I worry I am spinning on the edge most days looking at nutrition labels and focusing on the number of the day. How can I over come this mind game? Why did it bloom so late after my divorce? Is it even from my divorce or was this monster seeded a long time ago?
Most people aren’t happy with the way they look or how much they weigh, and all people spend at least a little time each day being unhappy, but many still manage to live normal, albeit slight chubby/grumpy lives.
As to the source of your insecurities, your guess is as good as mine and the many other scientists, clinicians, and desperate-for-a-topic writers who explain this phenomenon. It could be your ex, or it could reading too much Cosmo.
These experts assume, for the most part, that you wouldn’t be so self-critical if you didn’t listen to magazines, celebrities, or your critical-yet-well-meaning grandmother, and just believed in your self. They tell you that self-esteem will conquer all. Of course, they’re wrong.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on August 16, 2010
When it comes to happiness, Americans are entitled to the pursuit of, not the right to, but try telling that to someone who insists their good feelings come first. No one likes a party-pooper, so you can’t expect your earnest warnings to be heard unless you can persuade people that you like happiness just as much as they do, even if you don’t expect it to arrive any time soon (and are more knowledgeable about American history).
–Dr. Lastname
My son did well in his first year of college and now he’s thinking of going to law school. I told him he needs to talk to an adviser and maybe get a summer internship in a law office, but he told me I’m giving him a headache and that the whole point of college is to explore things, try things out, live in the moment, and learn how to be happy. I don’t want to be a wet blanket—and, of course, he’s not listening to me—but getting into a decent law school is highly competitive and it won’t happen unless he’s careful about his choices in the next 3 years. What do I tell him, without destroying his change to enjoy college?
I don’t like being a killjoy, either—well, that’s not true, but anyway—since when do you spend a vast portion of your limited family fortune so the kid will have a good time?
You want your son to be happy of course, but happiness, being the shitty goal that it is, is also a shitty top priority. He’ll be happier in the long run if he can support himself, since sweet memories of keggers gone by won’t pay the rent.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on August 9, 2010
Whether it’s wishful thinking, fear, or a powerful sales pitch from the church of Scientology, we have lots of emotional reasons for shutting down our logical minds when we have to make medication decisions about psychiatric illness. The good news is that, while those decisions should be made carefully, they’re not rocket science. The bad news is that it requires more courage than brains (or Thetans) to be a good manager of your own health.
–Dr. Lastname
I recently started going to a doctor for my depression. She thinks I should take pills, I’ve seen lots of articles about how antidepressants don’t work and the main reason they’re prescribed is because of the huge investment that big pharmaceutical companies have made in producing and marketing them. It makes sense to me that there are better natural, holistic solutions that get played down by the medical establishment because they can’t make money for anyone and threaten the profits made by those companies. My goal is to find treatments that work best, not the treatments that server the corporate interests.
The problem with most criticism of current drug treatments is its hopefulness; it implies that there are good, effective, cheap and low-side-effect treatments for depression (that are being suppressed). If only principal clause of that statement were true.
Sure, a magic bullet, holistic or otherwise, would be great (there are lots of other unsolved and incurable problems I can work on, so I’m not worried by the hit my business will take).
The truth is, however, that current treatments are time-consuming, weak, often costly, sometimes risky, and not guaranteed to work
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Posted by fxckfeelings on July 29, 2010
Fear isn’t all bad (e.g., fearing snakes goes a long way towards keeping you from poison venom). On the other hand, fear itself is stressful and painful, so our first instinct is to avoid it, no matter what…which is, of course, when things start getting really frightening. No matter how much we want to protect ourselves or those we love, it’s not gonna happen, so we have to accept the unavoidable scariness of life (and anacondas). It won’t necessarily calm you down, but it will give you the strength to do what matters, fear or no.
–Dr. Lastname
My wife and I liked to party when we first met (nothing too crazy, we just went out a lot), but we just had our first kid, so we now spend a lot more time at home. My wife used to be a fun, bubbly person, and she still sort of is, but ever since the baby was born she’s been really stressed out, worrying that something bad will happen and the baby will die. Not stuff she could possibly prevent, just a random act that would kill our child, and the stress is so bad she is haunted by visions of our son in a casket. I think she’s dealing with this stress by drinking a bunch of wine with dinner and getting a little more than tipsy. I’ve told her to relax about stuff she can’t prevent, but she says she can’t help it, and I don’t like that she’s drinking too much, and where that’s going to go. I want to see my wife get some treatment that will relieve her stress so she can stop drinking too much.
You might wonder how wanting to help someone could be bad, and it’s because, as goals go, it’s often one you can’t reach. If you don’t accept that fact before making your plans, you’ll make things worse.
Here, for instance, there’s a good chance she’s too busy drinking and/or avoiding her problem to heed your good advice and, at least at first, she may not be able to stop herself (and if she could stop herself, you probably wouldn’t be writing me in the first place).
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Posted by fxckfeelings on July 26, 2010
Everyone wants to wow the one they love, but sometimes, no matter how good our behavior, kind our gestures, well-trained our show-poodles are, we fail to make an impression. When you can’t get praise from or live up to someone you care about, it’s not the end of the world. Besides, you’ll always have those show-poodles to fall back on.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve worked hard at managing my temper—I can’t help it, I can always find something to be mad about, even when my family is behaving perfectly—and I’ve become really good at not snapping at my husband and kids. The kids are great, but my husband doesn’t seem to give me credit for how much better I’ve gotten, and he hasn’t gotten any nicer himself. He still treats me all defensively, as if I’m Godzillette, and it’s starting to get me mad. My goal is to get some credit for the progress I’ve made and achieve more marital peace.
If you want credit, here you go; One million space bucks worth of reward for your good deeds and strong effort. Now go in marital peace.
While you deserve marital credit from your husband, too, making it a goal to get what’s fair from anyone, especially a spouse, is usually a bad idea.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on July 15, 2010
We Americans love our stuff, but the lust for said stuff can cause individuals to behave badly (see: the demonic/orgasmic audience reaction to Oprah’s car giveaway). Usually, when someone goes overboard with longing for/accumulation of stuff, it’s a family member who steps up to put the breaks on, but when anyone, family or no, gets between someone and their stuff, things can get uglier than anything Oprah could imagine. If family members put limits on their responsibilities, however, there are still ways for stuff-addicted loved ones to break the stuff cycle.
–Dr. Lastname
My parents have decided to retire, sell the big house I grew up in and move into a smaller condo closer to my sister and me. The move makes sense—my sister and I are adults with our own families—but it’s brought up a sort of taboo issue for my parents, which is my mother’s attachment to stuff. She’s not a hoarder, but if my dad wasn’t around to put his foot down, I sometimes worry it could be, because my mother has trouble throwing anything away. She says that moving all the time as a child has given her a different appreciation of objects, and that it’s better to regret having too much stuff than to miss something you threw away and can’t get back. Problem is, there’s no room for this stuff in the new condo, they won’t have the budget for storage, and my sister and I aren’t able to put all of her old work files, souvenir spoons, and elementary school textbooks (seriously) in our basements. What I’m afraid will happen is that my father, who has always taken responsibility for managing their money, will try to get my mother to agree that they can’t afford to move and store her stuff when they move, she’ll keep complaining, and he’ll get nasty. How can we get my mother to learn to let go?
I know you and your father want to make your mother happy and have harmony, but it looks like she’s not eager to adapt a sparse, Zen lifestyle.
The problem is, trying to make someone happy when it’s just not possible usually causes more unhappiness. False hope is dangerous, no good deed goes unpunished, and stuff happens (sometimes in great quantities).
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Posted by fxckfeelings on July 8, 2010
Hate makes us feel particularly alive; Sox fans may hate the Yankees (and the Rays, for the matter), but that rivalry is a big part of what keeps those fans coming back. At the same time, however, indulging in hate excessively is dangerous, because it pushes us to wreak destruction. Once hate takes over, levity leaves; you’re not for one team, you’re just against another. You can’t stop feeling hate, but you can learn to manage it. Otherwise, the season’s as good as over.
–Dr. Lastname
I hate life. What is the most reliable and painless way to commit suicide?
You hate life, and I hate the kind of dangerous, self-lacerating whining that makes a painful life seem meaningless, when it isn’t.
Hating life is an understandable feeling, whether the problem is a hateful life or your own, reflexive intolerance of life’s general hatefulness. There’s no doubt that life is sometimes hateful, some people’s lives are more hateful than most, and some good people are more sensitive to its hatefulness.
There’s more than enough hate to go around, and you can’t help how you feel.
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