Posted by fxckfeelings on March 14, 2011
When someone expects a lot from you, it’s supposed to be a sign of respect; they think you’re capable enough to achieve great things. A lot of the time, however, it’s just a reflection of their false hopes and laziness, because they want you to be able to do everything they can’t do, the generally impossible, the dishes, and everything in between. If you accept their overly-optimistic assumptions, you’ll also share their frustration, guilt, and maybe blame. Don’t start helping before giving careful thought to what’s really possible. Then figure out a positive way to share the bad news…in the most respectful way possible.
–Dr. Lastname
It was just starting to look like my 25-year-old son had found some happiness and confidence when, bang, he had a bad motorcycle accident, broke his leg, lost his contract job because he couldn’t do it, and slipped back into the depression that has dogged him (and the rest of the family) since he was a teenager. He’s a good kid who managed to finish college in spite of dropping out a couple times because of depression, and now, to see him lying around the house, declaring that he’s just another “failure to launch,” is breaking my heart. My goal is to help him feel better about himself and life.
We’ve talked a lot recently about how some people have difficulty getting motivated after a long depression, but when you are depressed, you actually have tremendous motivation…to see your world as being shit.
Depression gives you the power and motivation to refuse to see it any other way. Even when depression isn’t in the cards, it’s hard to convince someone who’s feeling down that they’re wrong.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 10, 2011
Families are forever, just like diamonds and herpes, so it’s natural to want to change family relationships when they’re excruciating or failing apart. Everyone assumes that our best tools are communication and understanding; for some reason, we hold to this belief, even as repeated efforts to communicate and understand have made relationships worse. Whether a relationship is supposed to last for years or not, learn to accept it as it is. Then your plans will become more effective, but, like diamonds and herpes still, that relationship will remain hard, and there will be flare-ups.
–Dr. Lastname
My father asked me to write this letter for both of us. I was forced to move into my father’s one-room apartment and live with him after I lost my job and ran out of money (I’m 40). I’m grateful he took me in, and I’m trying to make enough money to get out on my own again. In the meantime, we’re stuck with one another, and we can’t stop fighting. I want him to understand the fact that I can’t help having a terrible temper, being very distractible, and not having the energy to clean things up because I’ve been diagnosed with depression and ADD. He wants me to understand that it’s hard to put up with my being a slob and never cleaning up and that he can’t help getting furious. We both want to put an end to the hostility.
Asking for understanding from your father is a really bad way to try to reduce hostilities, and a really good way to increase them. And no, it’s not opposite day.
Sure, he’s your dad, but let’s dispose of the notion that parent-child relationships are always supposed to be perfect, and can and must be fixed if they’re broken. Just because you share blood doesn’t mean you should share an apartment or that you can expect to get along, if you do.
As for “fixing” your relationship…well, if your father was fixed, you wouldn’t be here, and that would be the best solution to your conflict. Otherwise, you’re his son, but that doesn’t mean you should be able to get along.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 7, 2011
Some self-help experts tell us that we control our destiny! All that does is make you feel responsible for things working out in the end, which is why your automatic response when that doesn’t happen is to figure out where you went wrong while feeling like a shitty, guilty mess. The truth is most big problems can’t work out in the end, particularly when they involve illness and aging, and the only thing wrong is that we’re living in a very, very tough world. Instead of asking where you failed, be proud of what you achieved despite being destined to suffer at nature’s whim.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve been very helpful and patient with my husband since he suffered brain damage after being hit by a car, but I’ve just about had it. Everyone in our families focuses on finding a new treatment for him, and we’re all happy that he’s recovered some functions and can now talk and stand up. The trouble is, I’m exhausted, I’ve got no time to go out and make a living, and he’s gotten into the habit of telling me what I’m supposed to do without a please, thank you or may I. My goal is to set him straight and let him know I can’t keep it up at this pace and that he needs to improve his tone.
Setting someone straight when he wants too much from you usually leads to a guilt fest; you make him feel guilty, he guilts you right back, and it’s a regular guiltapalooza.
You wouldn’t be knocking yourself out in the first place if you didn’t feel responsible and, yes, guilty for not doing more. Of course, you may be knocking yourself out doing things that are really, really necessary, but that’s unlikely. Guilt rarely works that way.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 28, 2011
Dealing with jerks is difficult, but being related to jerks is torture, especially when they’re the kind of jerk (genus: ASSHOLE) who thinks everyone else is a jerk but them. Luckily, no matter how closely related you are, you don’t have to share their beliefs or give them what they want. Still, you’re stuck with them, because, while maintaining a relationship sucks, the alternative is usually worse, so learn how to make the relationship no worse than it has to be. Keep your feelings to yourself, figure out your own standard of conduct, and hope the jerk gene dies with them.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve read my son’s Facebook and email (he left the stuff on the computer screen last time he visited), and he tells his friends he had a terrible childhood, and his parents are assholes. As his dad, my attitude is: Fuck him and his shit. Breaks my heart, but I paid over $100k for his school, and I’m not rich by any measure. His mother thinks we should be working to find out why we have this split. This is new since he went to college (now graduated and gainfully employed)– he’s an only child, now 25. I’d not have paid for his school if I knew what a sociopath he would become. He seems to want two separate lives, one we’re allowed to know about, and one we’re not, with the latter being where we are horrible folks and he was a poor abused kid that made his way up through some undefined poverty and difficulty. His mother and I are going to be divorced soon if we can’t resolve this. I want nothing to do with the ungrateful asshole, and she thinks I am a terrible father for not understanding he has a mental illness. He doesn’t acknowledge any problem, refuses to speak to us if there is any “drama.” In fact he wouldn’t return a call for three months. This is the only issue my wife and I have, but it is consuming us and we’re arguing continuously.
Before you get carried away reacting to your son’s blame, ingratitude, and nastiness, think of the goal you set for yourself when you decided to have a kid (assuming it wasn’t an incidental goal after “getting laid”).
Unless you’re foolish enough to believe in a father’s power to make his kid turn out right by bringing him up right, you know that bringing up kids is a crapshoot. (That’s why you should always hedge your bets by having more than one).
The only goal you can possibly set for yourself and your wife as parents is to do a good job and hope for the best. Like all parents, you probably had big dreams for him, and hey, so did Mama and Papa Gaddafi.
So you’re not alone in finding out that the kid you loved and nurtured sees you as an abuser. It’s life at its most unfair, but whether or not your spawn turns out to be a jerk just isn’t under your control.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 17, 2011
Now that Valentine’s Day has once again come and gone, let us oppose the sentimentality that equates love with romance, good sex and a chocolate and roses assortment. In real life, relationships are a flowerless affair fraught with bad sex and bickering. True love is not pretty hearts and valentines, but what you do to stay together and show respect when you’re feeling anything but. It’s not the chocolates or the fights, but the way you move past them that matters.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband, a heterosexual, healthy 37-year-old man who loves me, does not want to have sex with me most of the time. We used to have good sex for the first year or so, but then with time it became less and less frequent, e.g., every 6-9 months. I am attractive and feel that other men find me desirable. We tried talking, seeing a sex therapist (didn’t go well, he just found the whole thing frustrating and upsetting and was angry with me for making him go). He says he doesn’t know why he doesn’t feel like having sex with me, but it deeply affects my self-esteem and our relationship. I gained some weight (20 pounds) and went from skinny to curvy over the last 10 years, and I know that it was a big(ish) issue for him. I’m currently doing good diet/exercise routine and am slowly loosing the extra pounds, but I really don’t know how much it will help. He says he finds other women attractive and would probably have sex with them if he was single, so obviously the issue is with us/me or our relationship. He also says that he loves me a lot and is faithful, but we don’t have fun anymore and that I always complain and want to have serious talks, and he’s tired of it. Overall it’s a good relationship, with some ups and downs, but we’re honest with each other and love each other very much. I would really appreciate some advice since I’m losing hope that it will ever change.
It feels good to feel attractive, sexy, rich, powerful, or whatever, but those feelings, or any feelings, don’t make a good foundation for building your self-esteem or your partnership. And they’re quicksand to a healthy marriage.
After all, you won’t always be attractive or sexy (age, weight gain/loss, a rare case of leprosy), and you may lose your riches or power (poor economy, joblessness, making “bunga bunga” with a teenager like a certain political Italian).
At that point, if you believe what your feelings tell you, you’ll be a loser, and your marriage will be worthless. It’s better to stop that kind of thinking right away and, above all, not to talk like that to your husband.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 10, 2011
Those of us who make our livings from human interaction wouldn’t turn much of a profit if people weren’t so sensitive to what others were thinking. When you sense that those thoughts aren’t positive, it’s hard to overcome the hurt and anger and remember what you were after in the first place. If, however, you can put aside any thought of expressing negative feelings and stick to your own script, you can avoid the pitfalls of being over perceptive (and save money on my services).
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve run a small non-profit for 20 years and always enjoyed a good relationship with my board, but the new chairman, who’s a nice guy, has started to drive me crazy. We should be working closely together on a search for the new chief financial officer, but instead this guy seems to be waiting until the last minute and does nothing to keep me in the loop. I want to let him know I’m upset with the way he’s been avoiding and ignoring my input and get the search process back on track. My goal is to regain control at work and get the respect I deserve after two decades at this job.
Life is an endless series of assaults on your respect. Your kids don’t respect you, your Starbucks cashier doesn’t respect you, the people who write ads for the Superbowl certainly don’t respect you. Alas.
So, no matter how much right you have to feel disrespected, and how hard it is to ignore the feeling, disrespect is not the issue you should be addressing, or really bother addressing, ever.
As the wise Carrie Fisher once said, “resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Focusing on this other guy and his perceived slights just distracts you from your own agenda.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 31, 2011
Like fine art, job performance is open to interpretation, and like artists, workers are sensitive about how others interpret their output. Most artists know that they can’t control how they’re perceived, but your average employee isn’t so lucky, and s/he can react to criticism by speaking his/her mind and bickering over whose perception is accurate. If you can keep anger and defensiveness safely tucked away, there are better ways to manage a negative performance review and protect your right to judge for yourself and act accordingly. Otherwise, you’ll be the artist formerly known as employed.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know why my husband accuses me of being lazy and ineffective, like I’m forcing him to do all the work to support our family. I’ve always seen myself as hard-working and conscientious—that’s the way they saw me at my old job, which I quit to have kids. Now, it’s true I often get interrupted because I’ve got to meet the kids’ needs, but that’s not my fault. Plus, it’s hard to do free-lance work unless you get yourself organized and have all the pieces in place first, and that’s been twice as hard for me since I’m also overcoming depression. My husband says I do lots more for the kids than is necessary, and that I spend so much time getting organized that I never get down to work. That’s not the way it feels to me though, and the harder he criticizes me, the harder it is for me to stay focused and keep working. My goal is to get out of this hole.
While erectile dysfunction is a well-known disorder that is treatable with medication you can buy by the bathtub-full, executive dysfunction doesn’t have that kind of recognition.
In fact, it might not be recognized beyond this website, but it appears that you’ve got it.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 10, 2011
It’s nice to be on the same page with your partner, but if you’re not, don’t assume you’ve got to get there; don’t even assume you’re reading the same book. Good partners sometimes have differences that are not going to be bridged by love, faith, or psychotherapy, but if you’re prepared to agree to disagree and can stand by your own values without requiring support, you can often continue to work together and at least share the same library.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband is a great guy and a pied piper with kids, including our own, but he’s really pissing me off because he can never say “no” when they cry, and so our parenting partnership has started to look like good cop/bad cop, and guess who gets to be the bad guy. If I try to get some quiet one-to-one time with them at bed time and he happens to be around, they cry, he comes running, and I’m chopped liver. Then I stew about the kids, but it’s not their fault, because I never get a chance to be the fun one so they don’t know me that way. I feel he never supports me and it’s driving me crazy.
As we always say, parenting, like relationships, like anything worth a damn, requires a lot of hard work. Unfortunately, your husband is leaving you with the bulk of the heavy lifting, and if you truly are a bad cop, he might need some tough love.
Of course you deserve your husband’s support when the kids need to be told “no,” or be disciplined, or abide by your perfectly good bed time plan. Maybe, if you let him know that you’re unhappy with his behavior, he’ll back off, man up, and learn how to wear the black hat in a good cause.
I assume, however, that you’re writing me because he can’t do that, and it leaves you feeling unloved and disrespected, so now you don’t so much want his support as you want to get through his thick skull.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 6, 2011
Names are often misleading; there are no arts or entertainment on the A&E channel, Greenland is mostly ice, and, most importantly, Therapy isn’t necessary therapeutic. Fact is, few therapies work completely or all the time, whatever kind of medical problem you have, and there are no guaranteed cures for psychiatric problems. That means there are no no-brainer decisions; all decisions require your brain, so you’re the one who must make all the tough calls. As such, you’re the one who must decide whether a therapy is therapeutic and whether, given its risks, it’s worth trying. The more responsibility you take, however, the more control you’ll experience over your choices, and the more respect you’ll command from others and yourself. If you want to see the mushy kind of therapy, you can watch it on A&E.
–Dr. Lastname
Things have been much better since my husband began therapy—he’s much less explosive and sensitive lately—which is good, because I didn’t really think we could start a family the way he was acting before. He was traumatized as a kid, and it’s made him very suspicious and touchy. I think therapy is helping him to get to the root of his problems, and that, if things continue to go well, we could actually have kids, but I’m not sure when he’ll be well enough for the time to be right. My goal is to set a goal for us.
Your husband may be happy because his relationship with his therapist has filled a deep need, or because he’s excited about a breakthrough, or because the McRib is back.
Sooner or later, however, therapy or no, life won’t be so easy, particularly if you have kids and you run into the usual kinds of medical, economic and personal kinds of bad luck that happen to most of us.
That said, don’t use your husband’s apparent happiness or serenity to decide whether he and your partnership are ready for child-rearing; what you need to know is how well his serenity stands up to stress.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 3, 2011
As most of you gentle readers have probably learned in the last week or so, Dr. Phil is officially wrong; family gatherings are made yet more miserable with good communication. The sad fact is that most of us possess the innate ability to show negative feelings without even opening our mouths, thus stimulating the worst fears and disappointments of our near and dear ones, and then, by a remarkable miracle, reading their negative body language and doing the same. It’s a game of emotional telephone where everyone trapped under one roof sharing a bloodline ends up miserable. You could hate yourself, hate your family, or just comfort eat (much like Dr. Phil?), or you could learn how to communicate more carefully.
–Dr. Lastname
For years, I’ve struggled with depression, and while I don’t blame my brother for all of my problems, he has become something of an anti-anti-depressant. I just spent a week with our parents and my brother’s family (wife and two young kids), and it was exhausting, not because I had to watch the kids, who are great, but because my brother constantly pisses me off and I use all my energy biting my tongue. And the thing is, I accept why less is expected of him; I don’t have kids, so when we’re all together I should be expected to help out more around the house. The problem is the way my brother acts so entitled and patronizing…or maybe I’m just being overly sensitive , or I deserve to bear more of the load around the house just like I deserve to die alone, etc., etc., and I’m depressed again. My goal is to be able to spend time with my whole family without feeling like my whole life sucks.
There’s nothing you can do to change your married-with-kids brother’s irritating manner, or the way your parents treat him as the successful favorite, or the black feelings they stir in your depressed, deserve-to-die-alone soul.
On the other hand, remember that disappointment echoes back and forth between close relatives, even when they’re trying to hide how they feel. Your brother may be withdrawing in response to your depression, you may be hurt by his withdrawal, and so on, while the evidence piles up to confirm your feelings of humiliation and worthlessness.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
