Posted by fxckfeelings on June 10, 2021
Since loneliness and a string of bad relationships can make you feel like a loser, it’s not surprising that most people assume finding someone new is the path to victory. And if you could order a perfect new partner through an app with free delivery, that would be fine. Instead, the search for someone new mostly requires luck—also not available to order—so making a good relationship your goal just makes you unfairly responsible for achieving the uncontrollable while pushing you to make bad compromises to avoid loserdom/loneliness. Instead, remind yourself that you’re never a loser if you do your best to be a good person and live independently with whatever loneliness is unavoidable. If you can do that, celebrate by ordering yourself something nice.
-Dr. Lastname
After a nightmare divorce and a shitty abusive relationship following that, I’ve been alone for three years now. I want a companion but I don’t know how to find one, or at least know how to find one that sucks less than the last two (I also don’t know how to change my attitude). By the way, I have three kids, which makes finding someone that much harder since single moms are, well, an acquired taste. My goal is to figure out how to overcome my past and, in some ways, my present in order to find a good partner.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 22, 2020
Too often, when it comes to choosing whether to be, stay, or break-up with someone, we let our hearts be our guides. But when it comes to a committed partnership, feelings are a false guide; there’s no way to share a house, family, life, savings account, and/or bathroom with someone for eternity and not feel some sort of bad a lot of the time. So, if like our reader from earlier, you can’t decide whether you can put up with your partner anymore, here are five ways to tell whether a flawed relationship is worth keeping.
1)Ask Yourself If You Were Better Off Before
Remember what your life was like back when you were single and how you hoped a relationship would make things better. Then assess whether this relationship does or doesn’t fulfill those needs, consulting friends if necessary to recall how you were living then and what your goals were. Don’t get distracted by how you wanted to feel, but on what you wanted to achieve; ask if your relationship helped you meet major life goals, like starting a family, getting an education, taking a job or living somewhere you couldn’t otherwise afford, etc. Make sure you include your need (if any) for a relationship that would offer you support and security in case of illness or possible unemployment. If your relationship hasn’t helped you achieve any those things or has even made reaching those goals harder, that’s important to know.
2) Ask If Acceptance Is Mutual
Determine how well you can accept your partner as he is and how well he accepts you. If, in spite of your best efforts to take him as he is, you find yourself cringing and criticizing, you should move on before you both become mean and awful. And, likewise, if you feel he can never really let go of wanting you to change and you often feel like you have to defend or explain yourself, you’re better off with your own company until you can find someone better. Remember, sometimes there are things about those close to us that make us nuts even if they don’t bother others, but figuring out why they’re annoying won’t make them more bearable or easier for your partner to change. If, despite your best efforts, the acceptance can’t come, then it’s time for you to go.
3) Do a Budget For Being Alone
Review your income, expenses, savings and debt and ask how breaking up would affect your finances. It’s possible that ending things, at least doing so immediately, would force you to make big sacrifices that would make it hard to connect with family and friends, live in your chosen neighborhood, create a nest-egg or just plain survive. If the immediate financial hit is too hard, you’re not trapped forever; you’ll just have to wait while you save up and create a financial plan that makes the separation financially feasible.
4) Review Possible Red Flags
Consider whether there are any “red flag” behaviors that make your or any relationship burdensome, unequal, or even dangerous. These behaviors include addictions, lying, overspending, impulsivity, and/or violent behavior. If there are no such flags, you should nevertheless ask yourself whether the relationship is too one-sided and you don’t get as much as you give. Then, if you do recognize red flags or inequality, ask a friend or therapist to help you find the strength to make a plan to move on. If you realize that you might be in danger, move quickly to get yourself and your children to safety.
5) When You Do Figure it Out, Keep Feelings Out of It
If you’re going to do a smart, factual assessment of the pros and cons of a relationship, you can do it when you’re still feeling angry, hurt, or generally upset. And in order to have a clear head, you have to figure things out when you’re calm, not moments after a fight or reconciliation. If you leave, you should believe that you’d be better off without him for objective reasons, regardless of heartbreak and the loss of whatever he added to your life. If you stay, it should be with the conviction that he makes your life better and doesn’t make it harder for you to be safe or be you. Whatever you decide, if you’ve done a good review of (over)due diligence, you’ll know you’re doing the right thing, even if it feels a little wrong.
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 5, 2020
A conflict-free relationship that hasn’t gone through hard times is like a rare, expensive sports car; just having it and occasionally driving it around the block makes you feel good and special, but if you suddenly need it for regular use it becomes a tiresome burden. So if you’re in a feel-good, low-stress relationship that suddenly becomes somewhat feel-bad, it’s up to you to decide whether what you have is worth working on and keeping, flaws and all, or whether it’s time to let it go and find something more along the lines of a human minivan.
– Dr. Lastname
My partner of some years has mild Aspergers and an anxiety disorder, and we’ve been in a long-distance relationship for most of those years (seeing each other every other weekend or so). We share the same values and enjoy doing most of the same things. Although he’s a good learner and he’s gotten better in these years, he has a lot of quirks that make me have to do more work (like saying “ok” instead of helping me to continue a conversation or accidentally teasing me in a way that hurts my feelings). Still, when I bring them up, which generally happens when I visit him, it often ends up with him not talking and shutting down, rolled in a ball, saying he’s a monster, and then I get upset because he’s not talking to me and I hate that I caused conflict. Still, when I don’t bring them up I feel resentful. It’s gotten to a point that we feel somewhat anxious around each other (though at the same time we enjoy being together). My goal is to find a way to bring up issues with him that’s constructive without being upsetting.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on September 3, 2020
Loving your work is nice when it happens, but when it comes to professional labor, the intended fulfillment is financial, not spiritual, or emotional; if it were always fun, worthy, and challenge-free, they wouldn’t call it work. There are a lot more important things than loving your work, like feeding your family and keeping the lights on. So if you really hate your job and want to leave, think hard about what you hate exactly and how/whether it could truly be better elsewhere. It’s all-too-normal to hate your job, but before you leave make sure it’s the job you hate and not work in general.
-Dr. Lastname
I’m in my 20s and have started to loathe my job at a very big company. My negative feelings aren’t arbitrary; my job has become very clerical and is dedicated to trying to influence a large bureaucracy with regards to projects I consider unambitious, in which I have little ownership or personal interest. I have nothing against making money or large organizations but want to work on problems that I find interesting and potentially meaningful. I think I appreciate that every path in life has some dirty work. But my sense is that my current path has more dirty work than it makes sense to accept and that the end of my current path is not one I care to reach. Even though I believe that I have logical reasons for wanting out and have made practical yet worthy plans for the next stage in my life, however, I still worry that I’m making an overly emotional decision fueled by frustration and unreasonable expectations. I don’t want to have to quit because I bought too much into feelings, or because I was a dumb millennial who thought the world would be handed to them on a silver plate after graduating from an elite college. My goal is to know that I’m making the right choice for the right (unemotional) reasons.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 28, 2020
The children may be our future, but in their present state some children, like the one a reader described earlier, cannot be taught well or allowed to lead the way (unless you want to be lead into jail). That’s because some kid are just Assholes, i.e., they’re impossible to reason with and a danger to everyone around them. Unlike adult Assholes, kids have the potential to grow out of it and change, but making limitless efforts to be that agent of change can make you into an Asshole yourself. So here are five ways to tell if your kid isn’t just troubled but an Asshole, a.k.a., trouble itself.
1) Pep Talks Have No Purpose
When someone won’t stop fucking up, it’s natural to believe that, if they only understood why what they’re doing is wrong and how it’s really hurting people then they’d finally get why it’s bad and put an end to it. But after discussing bad behaviors with this kid, the bad feelings they cause in others and their own bad feelings that might motivate them, nothing’s getting through. Your explanations fall flat, your limits are blown through, your explanations for your limits might as well be in Klingon…eventually, you have no confidence that anything you say or do will work to keep him safe or out of trouble. Then you find yourself expecting the worst and not being surprised.
2) You’re Not Alone
When none of your ideas seems to be working, try to compare notes with his other caregivers—teachers, case workers, therapists—to see what their experiences with him are like and what techniques, if any, they find successful. Review what they’ve tried and determine whether they seem unreasonable or kind and accepting. If they strike you as trustworthy and skilled and make it clear that, despite appreciating this kid’s strengths, formulating good rules and following through on simple, reasonable punishments, they also got nowhere, then you know you know it’s not you, it’s him (and the fact he’s as Asshole).
3) Absence of Empathy
One reason explanations and pep talks are useless—why telling him how much he’s hurting himself and others doesn’t seem to make an impact—is because he’s unable to register or be aware of how his actions make others feel, whether they’re peers or adults. Awareness may be blotted out by the intensity of his own emotions or compulsions, or, if he’s a true sociopath, may simply not exist, even at the best of times. He doesn’t seem to be avoiding empathy in order to avoid guilt, because he can be unaware with no good reason; he’s just wired wrong, so either his brain is currently bypassing his empathy chip or he never got one in the first place.
4) Compulsive Self-Harm
Unfortunately, this kid’s path of destruction doesn’t just take down external targets; when he’s in the wrong mood—overloaded with anger, frustration, misery, etc.—he can’t stop destroying his own things and/or hurting his own body. In recollecting the harm he caused, he shows no regret for what he’s done or wish to protect himself in the future. He may wish he didn’t feel that way again, but cannot imagine a good reason for not doing what he did given his feelings, or not doing the exact same thing should that feeling return. In other words, he doesn’t just lack empathy for how his actions impact others, but how they impact him and anything he cares about.
5) Assholes, Assemble
You’d think that being empathy-less, impulsive, and rage-filled would make human connection tricky, but Assholes, even young ones with violent streaks, often have no problem making friends, even if it’s just with people as awful as they are. As such, this kid has a talent for finding friends who do more bad things together than either one could ever accomplish alone. Sometimes, such friends aren’t assholes but just passive followers and sidekicks who are drawn in by the Asshole’s passionate, rebellious nature. In either case, these friends raise the risk of causing serious harm and undermining the (already weak) influence of your rules and management tools. Because, while you may at first find some hope in the fact that this kid made friends, friendships, like reasoning and empathy, won’t make an Asshole a better person. If you’re lucky, time, medication, and/or life experience may help. But in the meantime, don’t take their actions personally while planning what to do if your Asshole kid goes from impossible to dangerous.
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 30, 2019
When you’re frightened, dealing with trauma, or just generally vulnerable, you’re often forced to make big choices despite being in the worst possible state to do so. Feelings take over, so you may choose to do whatever feels good or just makes the fear or pain go away. Then you’re more vulnerable to being seduced into another abusive or traumatic situation, and that situation will create more strong feelings that make you doubt yourself, and on and on it goes. To avoid becoming a prisoner of self-doubt and helplessness, learn to see your real abilities and opportunities for what they are, regardless of what your feelings are telling you. If you can see beyond your feelings, strong as they may be, you’ll find your way to a safer, saner future.
-Dr. Lastname
I left my narcissistic, emotionally abusive ex-husband a year or so ago after almost 20 years together. We have two young kids, and he was so emotionally abusive that I left believing that he was the better parent, so I chose to have the girls live with him primarily and have joint custody. Since then, he has alienated me and my parents from my children. He is hurtful and mean during every interaction we have, but never in front of anyone or the girls. My girls do not want to come see me when it is my turn. I have no proof but I believe he is making the girls feel guilty about being around me. When I told the asshole he was damaging the girls for the rest of their lives with his behavior and feelings toward me, he said “I don’t care,” and has said multiple times that wants me out of my girls lives. I am tired of trying to see my girls and them crying because they don’t want to see me. I’m also tired of dealing with the asshole. On top of that, I have a wonderful new boyfriend who wants me to move across the country with him when he starts his new job, but I know that if I do that I probably won’t see my girls again. My goal is to decide if letting the ex have his way and staying away from my girls won’t only help them (by saving them from feeling so torn and guilty), but help me by allowing me to take back my life.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on February 7, 2019
When you discover that a loved one is in a life-threatening situation, it’s natural and often helpful to focus all your strength on removing obstacles to a cure. That works well if you can fix the situation by donating bone marrow or even lifting a car off your injured child, but addiction is a much harder obstacle to remove than a Chevy or even cancer. That’s because addiction not only has no clear cause, but also no cure, and the effort to find either can exhaust your resources and harm the ones you love the most. Instead of striving for the super-power to save someone at all costs, learn how to give it your best shot, respect your own efforts without becoming responsible for a fix, and then find ways to live with the obstacle, not remove it, for as long as necessary.
-Dr. Lastname
Several months ago, my dad got diagnosed as pre-diabetic and was told to stop drinking. We gave him time—he’s been a drinker for most of 50 years—but here we are now, many months later, the only thing that’s changed is that I can barely be around him because his drinking makes me so furious. It wasn’t until he got diagnosed that my mother and I realized how dangerous his drinking is to his health. We knew it was dangerous in other ways, because when he’s drunk he turns into a zombie/jerk: he gets aggressive, he doesn’t understand anything that is said to him, he can’t speak or walk, and my mom is stuck having to apologize for him and take the brunt of his behavior. Other members of our family have been noticing and talking to my mom about an intervention, but she’s worried about his feelings, which I understand—he has had a very hard time at his job—but to me that is no fucking excuse for killing yourself little by little every fucking day. I don’t want to lose respect for my mom too, because she’s my best friend, but I’m also getting frustrated with her for how much she enables and protects him. For months I have been keeping my anger to myself and talking with my mom, but she says we can’t talk to him with anger. But why fucking not? I’m so pissed at this point I feel like I can’t be around them anymore. If nothing changes soon my relationship with my parents is going to crumble. My goal is to get somebody or something to change before I lose my family entirely.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on February 15, 2018
Usually, when you’re talking about anything from cakes to windows and printers, smashing something apart is a lot easier than putting it together, but the opposite is true when it comes to marriage. It’s not only difficult and painful to divide your shared resources and responsibilities, be they finances or kids, but it’s also hard to face the humiliation, conflict, and loss that comes with giving up on a massive commitment. That’s why, as bad as your marriage may be, you may still look for any reason to avoid splitting your marriage—and life, and possibly sanity—apart. Regardless of habit, commitment, and belief, however, you must be ready to ask yourself, in an objective way, whether your partner is really as married to you as you are to them and whether there’s anything positive you can do about an imbalance, if it exists. Never doubt that there is a way to be objective about this issue and that, even if the answer to both questions is no, there’s a positive way forward through the very negative separation process.
-Dr. Lastname
My marriage has been pretty shitty over the past few years— sex has pretty much stopped and my wife’s been either hostile towards me or withdrawn. She went travelling on her own in January, so I decided to take dance lessons when she was gone (I’ve danced for a while, but decided to get better at it). When my wife returned, she demanded I quit the lessons immediately. I said no, as I had signed up for the month, so she then moved out of our bedroom, stopped eating or socializing with me. A couple of months later she separated her finances, than went away three more times for a total of three months. Early September she told me she wanted to sell our house, and if I didn’t sign to sell she would sic her lawyer on me, so I signed and the house sold right away. We then saw a couples’ counselor (she had been seeing her own therapist) who told us to live apart and date with no sex between us, so we bought separate places and move in another month. I’m willing to go along with it and try to make things work for financial reasons, but our recent past has been so filled with arguing, recriminations, etc. that I’m not sure it’s worth it. My goal is to figure out whether I should give up on this marriage (after over 40 years) or go along with the couples’ counselor’s advice and try to save it.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on June 15, 2017
When it seems like the whole world is plunging into the abyss, it can be hard not to make like our reader from earlier this week and fear getting swept up in the chaos, giving in to despair, and letting your own little world/entire life get sucked into the black hole. Of course, no matter how hard it can get to find your way in a confusing world, all hope is not lost; if you take the five steps listed below, you can learn to tune out as much chaos as possible and keep your own life from together as the world falls apart.
1) Tune Out the Negative and Unnecessary
Constantly following the news, especially if it’s all scary and bad, may seem necessary in order to stay on top of important information. In reality, it’s more like keeping your tongue on top of a canker sore; a nasty compulsion that only makes you feel worse. That’s why, no matter how frightening and constant the bad news may be, it’s important to step away from TV, periodicals, and Facebook feed, change the subject when people start to go off about world events, and generally avoid the urge to fixate on all things horrible. Yes, you’re part of a greater community and you want to make it better when you have the chance, but when you’re sure that/scaring yourself because no such chance exists, you have to protect yourself from aggravation and fears that you can do nothing about with a bubble of blessed silence.
2) Make Time for (and Merriment With) Those You Care About
When you’re feeling scared and down, being social requires a lot of effort—even more effort than being political—but it also offers much deeper rewards. It’s easy to share intense political feelings and opinions with others who feel the same way, online or in person, but then you’re left with deeper discontents and shallower personal connections. So keep the focus on getting to know people beyond politics as well as doing enjoyable things with the people you already know well and love. Sharing individual concerns, involving yourself in day-to-day realities, and generally reminding yourself there are good, caring people in the world will give you small doses of much needed hope.
3) Don’t Take the Bait From People You Hate
When the world is driving you crazy, then it’s easy for the people around you to drive you crazy and natural to seek ways of expressing and relieving your irritation. Unfortunately, trying to release your rage through picking fights with those you disagree with online is almost guaranteed to backfire. As we always say, nobody has ever died from bottling up their feelings, but plenty have died (or at least gotten threated or doxed) from unbottling them. Not only do you do more damage to yourself by stirring up fights with people you think are deserving idiots, you don’t even do anything positive for them since verbally attacking someone, online or in-person, isn’t the best way to win others over. Instead of ruminating about your anger until you crave release, remind yourself of your most important priorities, like being a decent person and focusing on the people and things that matter to you, not the morons who ultimately don’t.
4) Mind Self-medication
Aside from seeking relief from anger by getting into fights, it’s also natural to do so by getting high or drunk while giving the finger to all those who claim to reward hard working people like you in what’s supposed to be a reasonable, fair world. Unfortunately, self-medication is also a form of self-destruction that will turn you into a selfish jerk and make you accomplice to what you most despise. So bear your pain without finding chemical shortcuts to alleviating it, continue to fight hard to stay good, and you’ll find yourself refocusing on what you value in life instead of seeking the relief that comes with losing focus altogether.
5) Concentrate on What You Control
It’s not easy to make a living and be a good guy in this world, particularly given all the bad guys out there who find real success and the distractions and disappointments that come from periods of political craziness so nutty that we worry about our ability to continue living, period. It’s not easy, but it’s your responsibility to put your foot down and put a big beautiful wall around your own mind, family, and life; all the other craziness is totally out of your control, but the craziness that can be affected by your own actions and relationships is what you can realistically have a positive impact on. The state of the world matters, but your own life matters more; stay on top of the things that are actually in your control, not on the bad news, so you can make your world, and a small part of the larger world, a better place.
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 18, 2017
It’s hard not to take it personally when your country’s leaders represent values that you despise, making you feel obliged to both renounce all they represent and responsible for making things better. After all, you are expected to make sacrifices for your country, but if you can’t make sacrifices for new national goals you don’t believe in, it’s hard to decide whether to give your all to getting your country back or getting out of Dodge and leaving the leadership to self-destruct. Whether you’re describing personal problems or national ones, however, it’s never fair to hold yourself responsible for righting wrongs that are beyond your control, especially when doing so distracts you from your actual responsibilities. It’s important then to remain in touch with the responsibilities you actually control so you can keep your head up and be proud of doing your best to be a good person, even if you feel your country is headed down the toilet.
-Dr. Lastname
A year ago I knew what I wanted to do for the next 30 years, but then, after a series of challenges, including a re-valuation of my nine-year romantic partnership and Donald Trump getting elected President of the United States, I don’t know what I want to do next. I want to get as far away from my current life as possible as it’s based heavily on the American Dream (TM)—I just bought a house and I own my own business with my spouse, and it’s a decent life, at least hypothetically, even with the financial stress of a large amount of debt. But after America made a really bad choice, I don’t want to have anything to do with the country, its ideals, or its empty commercialized promises. I don’t want the American Dream, or even to live here. I’ve never fit in well and now I realize just how mismatched my entire life philosophy is with American culture. Maybe this shouldn’t be a traumatizing experience, but I’m having serious trouble shaking this off— I am a planner without a plan, I don’t know my purpose, and I’m still trying to work through anger at the people who voted for the current President, many who are my friends and family. I want to move out of the country partly just to say “fuck you all, you voted for him and now you never get to see us because we live on the other side of the Earth.” Now, I think once I get out of this hole I will be better for it, with a more complete view of myself and my place in the world, but I’ve been struggling to get out of this hole for months now and not seeing any progress. I take meds for chronic depression but this is a serious dip even for me. My goal is to find a smart sensible plan, even though I’m depressed as fuck, everything feels meaningless, and all I really want to do is get away from my life and the American nightmare. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
