Posted by fxckfeelings on February 5, 2015
Humiliation may cut like a knife, but it’s more like a double-edged sword when it comes to problem solving. Sometimes it warns you that you’re doing something wrong when you’d be otherwise oblivious, but it can also sometimes frighten you needlessly when you’ve really done everything right. Keep your mind and skin intact by not letting humiliation stop you from judging your own actions, taking credit for your actual accomplishments, and making changes if you think they’re necessary. Only a fool would do otherwise.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m in my 40s and in pretty good health, but I’ve had problems with my memory after hitting my head on the ice a year ago, and it’s driving me crazy. At work, I just can’t remember whether I told or asked someone something before, so I hesitate to speak up and then wrack my brain trying to figure out what I actually said and did because I’m so afraid of humiliating myself or looking weak. I’ve gone from being confident and outspoken to quiet and timid, and people wonder what’s wrong with me. I’ve asked my doctor to check out my memory and see if I need treatment, because I’m too young to be going senile. My goal is to do whatever is necessary to function properly and stay on top at work.
Whether you work at a fancy brokerage or the Burger King drive-thru, most of us rely on quick recall at our jobs, particularly if we want to impress a group of fast-talking peers, ace an interview with an employer or client, or just avoid getting reassigned to bathroom captain.
It’s not surprising then that your concussion-induced memory problem has triggered anxiety and self-doubt. From what you don’t say, however, it doesn’t seem like slow recall has impaired your ability to actually hold your job, just to impress while doing it. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 2, 2015
We’ve said many times that it rarely feels right to do the right thing, and vice versa; that’s why making a smart commitment can feel horrifying while using heroin can feel super terrific. So when you have a tough decision to make, don’t pay too much attention to how comfortable your choice makes you, or those around you, feel. Consult your values and do what’s right, and prepare to live with discomfort if that’s what being smart/sober requires.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m very happy with my marriage, and my wife isn’t pressuring me to have children, but I know she’d like them and time is running out. I have nothing against having kids—we’ve got enough money, and there’s nothing I think is more important in my life—but I’ve always been anxious, and I know that having kids will make me even more stressed out. I’ll always be worrying that we’re doing the wrong thing, because that’s the way my mind works. My wife thinks I’ll be OK, but I know that my self-doubts never stop. My goal is to figure out a way I can be comfortable having kids.
Very few people know with 100% clarity that it’s time to have kids, and most of those have an outside source, from a cult leader to a positive pregnancy test, making the call for them. Since very few anxious people are ever 100% sure about anything, however, not even a fetus or a Svengali is guaranteed to set your mind straight.
As you describe yourself, you’ve always been too stressed to think about what you’d like to do, focusing more on your worry about whether or not you’ll do things wrong. That may make it hard for you to get enthusiastic about starting a family (or anything else, for that matter). WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 29, 2015
Strong emotions often push us to act without weighing consequences, simply because we feel helpless and need to take action; that’s why the world has so many unworn expensive shoes, memorial tattoos, and children born just before or after their parents’ divorce. In reality, we’re often screwed no matter how we choose to react, or we’re just panicking for no reason and no action is required in the first place. In any case, no matter the emotional forces, think first and act later, weighing your alternatives and acting only if you think it’s necessary. You might not feel any immediate relief, but in the long run, you won’t have anything (or anyone) to regret.
–Dr. Lastname
My grown son has always been very difficult, but his last outburst was just too much. He caught me at a time when I was having a tough time and felt vulnerable, and I told him I thought he was being a selfish, self-centered little shit, so he told me never to talk to him again and hung up. Unfortunately, even if I shouldn’t have said those mean things out loud, I was right; he’s a jerk, so none of his friendships has lasted and his kids are very careful not to aggravate him. Even though I feel really guilty about it, I just can’t bring myself to pick up the phone or write him and try to patch things up. I know that if I don’t reach out to him, I won’t see those kids, but if I do, I’ll have to have a conversation with him, which is just going to be unpleasant and end badly. My goal is to figure out a way to repair our relationship so I won’t dread talking to him or feel bad about being such a heartless parent.
The good news is that you’re living evidence that Asshole™-ishness isn’t always genetic. The bad news is that you have still spawned an Asshole™.
As we’ve said before, Asshole™s can cause serious harm without any real provocation; they’re usually very needy, and their neediness causes them pain that they think is your fault, particularly if you’re a parent or other person who stirs up those feelings by virtue of your very existence.
Asshole™s truly believe you deserve punishment. What you deserve, besides a better son, is protection. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 15, 2014
As with nuclear waste, old hard drives and used take-out containers, there’s no clear way to dispose of unpleasant thoughts; some people feel like nasty feelings should be buried and ignored, and others that they must be purged and shared in order to be expunged. In actuality, feelings often aren’t unworthy even when they make you feel vaguely guilty, and don’t need airing even when they whine at the door and ask to be released. Before you decide whether your thoughts are hazmat grade, weigh them against your values and the consequences of self-expression. Often, you’ll find they don’t need to purged, just safely ignored.
–Dr. Lastname
After 25 years of happy marriage and three great kids together, I lost my wife to cancer two years ago. I think I’m ready to find another partner at this point, but I felt weird the other day when a co-worker suggested he set me up with a friend and I said I wasn’t ready. The truth is, I know a bit about her and, though she’s a nice person, she’s been struggling to find fulltime work for a few years now and there’s no way I could afford my current lifestyle if I had to support a partner. My goal is to figure out whether there’s something wrong with putting money ahead of love.
Having raised three kids and nursed a wife through cancer, you know that money isn’t the enemy of love— life is.
Life throws trouble at you, like medical problems and tuition, and love is what helps you give things their proper priority and makes you hurt when you can’t do as much as you’d like.
If you had no one to love in your life, and no better opportunity to find someone to share it with, then you might have good reason to sacrifice wealth and stability for a loving partnership. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 11, 2014
A doctor’s diagnosis may make a serious illness official, but talking about it with professionals and people you trust is what makes it real. That’s why admitting you’re seriously sick can be so hard; if you admit you’re ailing from something manageable but incurable, the illness might scare people away, but if you admit it and become obsessed, you might needlessly scare yourself. That’s why you have to consider carefully when it’s better to focus on your problem and make it public, and when it’s not. Talking about your problems might make them real, but not talking about them doesn’t make them disappear.
–Dr. Lastname
I’m perfectly healthy now, but I had a couple nervous breakdowns when I was eighteen and twenty, and I wonder whether I should tell my fiancée. I really don’t want to drive her away. I tried stopping my meds a month ago, to see if I’m really OK now, and I still feel great, so I wonder if I need to tell her about a problem that I may not have any more, now that I’m twenty-six and working full time in a profession. I exercise and eat right now, which I didn’t do then, and I’m really not a nut job. My goal is not to screw up a wonderful relationship by bringing up past events that may not matter any more.
It’s common for people who take medication for severe mental illness to decide they no longer need said meds once they start feeling better, and it’s not hard to understand why; it’s natural for someone who’s taking crazy pills to rationalize that sanity equals success.
After all, you wouldn’t keep wearing braces after your teeth got straight, or taking antibiotics after an infection cleared up. Especially if you felt your fiancée might leave you if she found out you once had a slight under-bite or athlete’s foot.
The difference, of course, is that medication is supposed to manage your symptoms, not make your brain better. That’s why stopping treatment can be so dangerous, because declarations of health can turn to hubris at a frightening speed. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 10, 2014
If illness is a painful condition that you don’t choose to bring on yourself, then being an Asshole™ is probably an illness, at least for those born with bad tempers, quick impulses, and no ability to see consequences ahead of time. Depression definitely is an illness, and one that often tricks the sufferer into believing he’s an Asshole™, even though real Asshole™s are incapable of self-awareness. Either way, Assholes™ usually blame others for what’s happening to them, whereas depressed people blame themselves, and neither group can get anywhere unless they can see their problem as a condition, rather than a fault. Then they can take responsibility for managing it without blaming themselves or others; a tall order for Asshole™s, a challenging one for depressives, but a worthy move for anyone.
–Dr. Lastname
I think my husband is sick, but he thinks he’s normal. After the last time he got drunk and threw things, he got carted away by the police and hospitalized, but he says the doctors at the psych hospital didn’t think he was depressed and there was nothing they could do to help him. He doesn’t drink every night, and he never hits anyone, but he can be a mean drunk. Even when he’s not drunk, he’s prone to quarrel with authorities, whether it’s a cop giving him a ticket or a waiter. I never know when his evil side will come out, and his mother told me he always had a wicked temper. My goal is to persuade him or his doctors that he has an illness and needs help, before he gets into major trouble.
All too often, either out of fear, denial, or both, people refuse to see symptoms of mental illness for what they are. If someone has wild mood swings, it just means she has an artistic temperament, and crippling phobias means he’s nervous, and hallucinating makes her fun at parties.
Sometimes, however, bad or self-destructive behavior has nothing to do with mental illness, or at least not the kind a doctor can do much about. A lawyer, maybe. Or an exorcist.
Two things might be wrong with your husband, both of which are not his fault, but they differ in the amount of responsibility he can or should take for managing them. It all depends on whether his anger is a symptom of illness, or a sucky part of his personality. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 23, 2014
We’ve said many times that the worst relationships teach the best lessons, from what to look for in your next partner to what you need in a good lawyer. Knowing how much you’ve actually learned from the lessons, however, can sometimes be tricky; sometimes you get so connected with someone that breaking up makes you underestimate how much you’ve learned, and sometimes your connection is so superficial and one-sided that you wind up feeling you’ve learned more than you really have. In any case, don’t judge what you’ve learned from a relationship by your emotional reaction. If you’re honest with yourself and give or take credit where it’s due, you should’ve learned enough to ace the next test.
–Dr. Lastname
I always knew deep down that my relationship with my college boyfriend was never going to work out—he was restless, attractive, and hated the idea of settling down, and I wanted to get married—but I loved him and couldn’t let go. We stuck together for eight years until he finally had an affair, I broke up with him, and now, five years later, I’m happily married. I would have told you I had no complaints until I was recently invited to a big party by an old friend, who told me my old flame would be there, which bothers me more than I thought. I don’t know who he’ll be with or what has happened to him, and I’m afraid to find out, mostly because I’m so eager to find out. I hate the idea of still having feelings for him, particularly since I’m married. My goal is to figure out what’s wrong with me and why I can’t move on and forget about him.
If you’re looking for someone to tell you whether/how/why your feelings for your ex are important or dangerous, you’re obviously looking in the wrong place. You shouldn’t expect to control having feelings, just to control what you do with them, like not obsessing over them in the first place.
You finally did what was necessary after recognizing that your old college boyfriend would never make a good life partner, but only after he had an affair. Still, that affair was a teachable moment, not just about your future together (or lack thereof), but about your tendency to let uncertainty bind you to things for longer than necessary. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 13, 2014
In a culture that proudly sells medications created by grade school teachers, financial advice by religious figures, and recipes by celebrity wives, being an expert, or just seeking advice from one, is, in many people’s “expert” opinion, stupid. While we are sometimes more knowledgeable than supposed experts, we sometimes really, really aren’t, but you can’t know whom to trust if you get too influenced by feelings of self-doubt or omniscience. Instead, ask yourself whether you have the information you need in order to make good decisions, and whether, when it comes to that information, someone else knows more than you. If you can be objective about your decision-making ability, you’re much more likely to accept your strengths and weaknesses and take them into account; become an expert on your own problem and you can confidently find the help you need, no matter what the source.
–Dr. Lastname
My wife has been disabled since her second nervous breakdown; I thought she was a free spirit when I met her, but early in our marriage, we both realized that something was wrong, and she was diagnosed bipolar. Now that I’m writing my will, I realize I should probably take account of her condition; she’s been doing well for the past year, but another breakdown is always a possibility. If I knew better what to expect for her, I’d know whether I need to protect her from misusing the money, or just make sure the money is put towards making sure she has what she needs when I’m not around, like a roof and even a nurse. My goal is to find an expert who can tell me what to expect from her illness and how I cam make sure that she’s taken care of.
There are plenty of instances where people choose to follow their instincts over professional advice, and, whether it involves not vaccinating kids, not hiring a licensed electrician, or not getting that oral surgery, the results are not often pretty (but plenty painful and dangerous).
When it comes to knowing what to expect from your wife’s relapsing mental illness, however, you and your wife are the top experts in this unique field.
The two of you know better than anyone what her illness has been like in the past; how frequently it recurs, how much disability it causes, and how much it affects her judgment and her ability to manage money. Unless your doctor is also a psychic, her powers to predict your wife’s future are nowhere as strong as yours. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 6, 2014
Much is made of the inextricable link between trust and love, but the assumption seems to be that you can’t love someone else unless you can trust them (to listen, keep it in their pants, rescue you from a sinking ship, etc.). Just as important, however, is the ability to trust yourself and your own judgment when entering into a relationship; if you have too little confidence, you can sabotage your relationships, and if you have too much, you’ll make commitments that won’t last and will hurt like hell when they break down. Learn to trust yourself by gathering facts, observing carefully, and using common sense to judge your friendships and make smart decisions. Then, regardless of over or under-confidence, you’ll be able to love someone you trust and have trust in whom you love.
–Dr. Lastname
I am in a good relationship and have been now for a while (around 9 months). But none of my relationships seem to last more than a couple of years (I’m now in my 40s), and I worry that some of them I have sabotaged myself. I am at a point in this relationship where we have acknowledged that we love each other and have started making plans months into the future (nothing like moving in together, but definitely trips and such), and suddenly, I have this fear I’m going to lose him. But not just lose him—lose him to someone, and that someone is my friend. I had a friend when I was younger that flirted with my boyfriends, and even though nothing ever happened, it bothered me that she never understood these boundaries, didn’t have a sense of loyalty towards me, and used her looks and sexuality to get attention from those that should be considered off limits. Now I have a newer friend who is younger than me—she’s very pretty, smart, and single, and she has a tendency to try to connect with my boyfriend in ways that I am unable to by finding the gaps and honing in and I don’t like it. I am acting as though they have already run away together, or have a secret relationship. Is my own insecurity causing me to worry about this? My goal is to alleviate these fears of betrayal.
Having fun friends with fickle boundaries may damage your calm, but you do yourself more damage by letting them distract you from the real issues surrounding your boyfriend and your future together. Instead of worrying about whether your gal pals have good intentions, focus on doing the necessary homework to find out whether your boyfriend is a good match.
Assuming you’re not able to stop yourself from being insecure about your friends and boyfriends, use your insecurity to assess your boyfriend’s trustworthiness. Maybe you can also use it to get better at screening friends in the future, but for now, believe it or not, your best weapon against your paranoia is paranoia itself.
Instead of trying to feel better by talking about your fears and asking for reassurance, use them to review your boyfriend’s history with women and your girlfriend’s history as a femme fatale. Your anxiety will drive you to ask the right questions, and, with any luck, the right answers will allow you to tell that anxiety to shut up. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on September 29, 2014
Pressuring somebody to care about their self-interest when they’re obsessed with something else is an often foolhardy endeavor, and not just when it comes to trying to rescue people from drugs, bad boyfriends, and Apple products (at least if you’re broke). Whether they’re too absorbed in a dysfunctional marriage or in very functional childrearing, don’t use anger or guilt to break them free. Instead, spell out why it’s necessary, regardless of the discomfort and guilt their self-restraint may cause. They will either find a personal reason for adopting your view or go back to their obsession, no matter how damaging/buggy it is.
–Dr. Lastname
My partner and I have been together more than ten years and were both in unhappy marriages when it began. My husband knew and agreed to divorce, but he only left when I gave an ultimatum. I have now moved in with my partner and his adult children are cool, but civil. It is unfair to blame me for breaking up their family as he had a previous affair and only stayed until the children grew up. I have told him that I will not tolerate being lied to and playing second fiddle to his family any longer and he now puts me first. They are not yet fully divorced but his wife has another partner. My goal is to protect our hard won happiness from the demands of others and trust that he will stay strong.
You know what you need from your fiancé, including fidelity, honesty, and being one another’s top priority, and telling your partner what you require has clearly moved him in the right direction, namely, towards you and a better future.
I assume you write, however, because you wonder if your partner’s future commitment will waver; given the amount of effort it took you to get him on course, you wonder if he’ll actually stay there. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
