Posted by fxckfeelings on February 25, 2013
While sappier-types, producers of Lifetime movies, and Twi-hards would disagree, love and sex are, at their core, evolutionary tools that trick us into commitment; as the relationship progresses and the novelty fades, we’re left with something much less fun and sexy, but a lot more secure and important. If you refuse to accept that, however, continually searching for relationships based only on emotion or getting restless at the commitment stage, you’ll end up frustrated, lonely, and watching way more Lifetime movies than anyone should. If evolution gave us romance and love to bring people together, it’s the way relationships evolve beyond feeling that make them lasting and worthwhile.
–Dr. Lastname
I dated a guy for ten years, since junior year of high school. During the time we were dating I never felt like I needed a best friend– I had friends, but not a clique or group to call my own. I never could experiment with anything because he would get mad, so maybe I would have been more wild or fun if I wasn’t with him. He is very social, outgoing, and almost pompous, but never to his friends, just to people who were almost a little uncool. I think he’s a little uncool, because I believe he has a drinking problem, money problem, and low expectations in life, which as his girlfriend bothered me. Now we broke up because I cheated on him, but it’s been six months, and I want him back. He’s having fun hooking up with girls, and I get jealous when he goes somewhere without me. It hurts. I have friends who tell me to forget about him and move on, but I can’t. We hook up and it’s the best feeling when I’m next to him, but when I see him with another girl it feels like when we first broke up all over again. I know that he drinks too much and doesn’t have any ambition, and that it’s because of him that I never got to figure out who I really am or make any close friends, and because of that I don’t know how to cope with being by myself. Lately I’ve felt what I think are panic attacks. I don’t know how to deal without him, but I just want to get over him and be happy.
Like a drug, dating can be exciting and make painful feelings disappear, like loneliness and boredom. It can also make you into a huge Asshole.
Just as being an Asshole isn’t a pre-requisite for being an addict but addiction comes with automatic Asshole-status, dating for the emotional high can make you into an Asshole, even if you weren’t one to begin with.
If you’re hooked on dating the same Asshole over and over again, you’re in even more trouble, since Asshole-ism can be a venereal disease that can’t be stopped by hormones, latex, or the voice in your head telling you to leave this drunk loser for good. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on February 7, 2013
As anyone who’s loved someone crazy or addicted knows—or really, anyone who’s watched any non-duck or -storage related programming on A&E—some addicted and/or mentally ill people take too much responsibility for the impact of their behavior on family, and others put too much responsibility on their family for saving them from themselves. In actuality, your job is never to act on your feelings of responsibility until you’ve first observed, and then accepted, what you actually control. The result may suck, and leave you feel totally helpless, but you need never be a slave of guilt when you’ve done what you can with what you’ve got (which is hopefully more than basic cable).
–Dr. Lastname
My wife (we’re gay) has Tourette’s syndrome, anger issues, and a tendency to drink more than she should. I have Bipolar disorder, and an obliviousness to other people’s feelings that is sometimes intentional, sometimes not. My wife and I dated for seven years before we got married, so it’s not like we didn’t know each other’s diagnoses and drama, but most for most of that time I was well-medicated, held down a full time job with benefits, and felt like I wasn’t being my real self. Last summer my anti-depressants kicked me into a full manic break. “God” told me to start collecting camping/survival gear and move in with friends in my home state to work on a civil rights campaign and spend time with my family. We won the campaign, and I got some cherished time with two relatives in their dying days, but I completely f*cked us financially, and ruined my wife’s trust in me. She is adamant that marriage is forever, whether we’re happy or not, and we are going to make it work. I love her, but I’m pretty sure I’m an Asshole, there’s no reason to believe this won’t happen again, and if she doesn’t get rid of me I will ruin her life, whether I want to or not. She wants stability and kids. I don’t think I can provide those things for her. My goal is to reconcile my wife’s expectations with the real limitations imposed by my case of crazy.
As we’ve often said, the best way to know for sure that you’re not an Asshole™ is the fact that you even considered the possibility that you’re an Asshole™. Assholes™ may feel injured, but, since they know it was someone else’s fault, they never feel guilty. Sadly, as a non-Asshole™, you’re forced to feel both.
So just because you’re mortified by what your last manic period did to your family finances doesn’t make you an Asshole™ or a dangerous marital partner, even though that’s the way you feel. It just makes you a good person struggling with a bad illness. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 28, 2013
Everyone will tell you that there are valuable lessons to learn from bad experiences, but unfortunately, there are some valueless lessons as well if you misinterpret your misfortune. For example, some people read too much into their painful experiences and become afraid to take new risks, while others learn almost nothing and have to retake the lesson/get screwed again and again. The answer is not to sample your crises like Goldilocks—trying to find a response that is not too much, not too little, but just right—but instead, to ground yourself in values that help you determine what risks are worth taking, what feelings are worth keeping to yourself, and what’s truly worth learning for the future.
–Dr. Lastname
The end of last year I was able to stop taking my anti-depressants after about 4 years. I feel good, my drinking is in control (though I do sometimes feel the old instinct that, when I’m stressed, a drink will help, though after one sip I know it won’t). I’m free of my fear of going outside my apartment or with groups of people. I did see a therapist, which helped me so much, though we never found out what triggered my depression, so I have a deep worry that it might come back. I know there is no point worrying about something that might never happen (I fully believe that its just a waste of time), but I doubt my relationship will survive another ride on the depression roller-coaster as it was nearly destroyed the first time. Also, my partner is concerned as I hope to have kids at some point and my partner has read that postpartum depression is worse if you have suffered depression before. The thought of being ill again terrifies me and I want to avoid that black hole anyway I can. Should I try to work out why I got depressed before? Is postpartum depression something I should be concerned about what the time comes? If I can somehow prepare myself then I’m hoping that if/when depression comes knocking again I might be able to put up a better fight.
After experiencing and surviving the pain and repercussions of a bad bout of depression, it’s normal to fear recurrence, but that fear is often worse than the thing itself; that’s certainly true with depression, as well as heights, spiders, and gays.
In fact, a PTSD-like syndrome of anxiety is common among people who’ve survived such painful and intense symptoms, so it’s important that you pay as much attention to managing the fear of depression as to treating the depression itself.
It’s understandable that you want to figure out a way to prevent recurrence, but reassuring yourself that everything is going to be alright is as misguided as parents’ insisting their kids they can grow up to be whatever they want; whether you’re hoping to rid yourself of depression or reach the major leagues despite being a one-armed girl, the odds aren’t good, so don’t make the mistake of reassuring/promising yourself that it won’t happen again.
In reality, as with all problems, real consolation comes not from putting the trauma out of mind completely, but from knowing that, whatever happens, you survived the first time and acquired a lot of weapons you’ll use to fight depression if and when it comes again.
Of course, fear will tell you that you and your relationship barely made it, but the fact is, you did make it, which is a great accomplishment. Now you’ve found treatments that work and, most importantly, you know that depression is just a bunch of symptoms, it’s not who you are; it wasn’t personal and you weren’t lazy, just unlucky and sick. Don’t get so freaked, then, by the harm a postpartum depression might do to your kids and/or marriage that you forget that child-rearing and maintaining relationships is always risky, and that you have developed good tools for managing that risk.
Yes, you have a chance of having a post-partum depression, but instead of terrifying yourself with thoughts of that possibility, investigate what you can do to decrease the risk. For one thing, you’ll find you can take antidepressants, even while pregnant; their risk of harming a fetus is low and outweighed by their ability to protect you (and the fetus) from its crushing symptoms.
And don’t fall prey to the notion that because medication has risks, it’s automatically unsafe to take, or that you’re weak or dependent to do so. It means you have an obligation, as with any danger, to weigh benefit against risk by sizing up the chance that your symptoms will come back and deciding whether treatment is worth it. So ask your doctors (and do your own research) to inform yourself about the odds of relapse. If they’re high, find out what the risks and benefits are of taking antidepressants as a preventive vitamin.
Instead of letting depression persuade you that you’ll ruin your family by making your partner and children miserable, treat it like any other disabling illness that tests most families, sooner or later, and teaches them how to survive hard times. Get your arsenal ready for fighting the negative thinking that depression both causes and is caused by.
Don’t let your experience make you a depression-phobic; remember how well you handled that depression, take a cue from the gays, and counter that fear with pride. We’d gladly see that parade.
STATEMENT:
“I can’t think about depression without feeling overwhelmed by fear. I know, however, that fear distorts my thoughts and that my experience with depression has made me much more knowledgeable and better equipped to manage it. I will prepare myself and take any reasonable risk that will allow me to stay as healthy and functional as possible, regardless of whether it recurs.”
I don’t see how I can go back to working in my family’s car business because my brother is such a dickhead. I’m broke and I need the work, and my father doesn’t mind if I work there, but my brother and I have never gotten along, and the last time we worked together he was so insulting, day after day, that I finally picked up a tire iron and we would have killed one another if they didn’t pull us apart. I promised to bury the hatchet and keep my mouth shut—as I said, I need the money—but I was back at the shop for barely four hours when he started up again and I had no choice but to punch him in the face. My goal is to teach my brother to leave me alone, so I can work at the family business when there’s no other work around.
Most of us have an instinct to push back when we’re pushed, particularly if the pusher is aggressive and insulting (and a blood relation). No words are necessary and we don’t have to be in a bad mood—all it takes to get triggered is getting cut off in traffic or a dirty look from a spouse. Maybe this instinct helps us protect ourselves from predators by showing them we’re too much trouble to dominate, but more often than not it just makes assholes, inmates, and/or corpses out of everyone.
Unlike the woman above, whose depression has taught her fear and pessimism, you don’t seem to have learned anything from your many fights. Like her, however, your response is based on feeling, not reason, so it’s both about learning from experience, as well as restraining your emotions.
Your brain is obviously wired to fight back, so if someone pushes, you feel obliged to return the favor, even if you aren’t necessarily looking for a fight in the first place. Trouble is, once that instinct gets hold of you, it gives you no choice but to fight, and the results in the real world usually suck for everyone who isn’t a Hollywood hero. Tough guys get arrested, sued, betrayed, beat up by other tough guys, and, like the rest of us, old and too weak to throw much of a punch.
So instead of just following your instinct towards fury, ask yourself whether you want to satisfy that instinct or control it. Sure, satisfying it feels better in the short run but, you guessed it, always ends badly. Controlling it is hard, takes lots of practice, and it’s what the authorities want you to do, which may make it harder for you to decide whether it’s what you want to do for yourself. Until you control that fighting instinct, however, there’s nothing anyone can say that will protect you from endless fights with your brother and others.
Wanting to control it is no guarantee that you can, and neither is therapy. If you decide to control it, you will probably need to work at building your control day by day, one day at a time, like AA, getting religion, or a gym membership. You can call it anger management, but you’d be better off calling it humiliation tolerance and/or finding goals that are more important than insult and injury (like making a living or being a good guy) and reminding yourself about them, hour by hour. The only thing you have to fight is the urge to fight, and the tire iron won’t do you any good.
STATEMENT:
“I can’t stand to feel pushed around and I take pride in being the guy who never starts fights but who knows how to finish them. I know, however, that fighting always ends badly in an unfair world and I have goals that are more important than what anyone says or does to me, particularly if they’re assholes. I am proud of myself for pursuing those goals regardless of how assholes make me feel.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 21, 2013
For all the lip service people give to the importance of truth, your average person is willing to work a lot harder to preserve a bullshit notion than admit what’s real, and that’s not just true for college quarterbacks. Depressed people prefer to listen to their rotten emotions telling them a hundred reasons why they’ve failed, no matter how many victories they’ve achieved, and people with bad habits can find a hundred reasons for thinking they had no choice, despite the many avoidable fuck-ups they’ve fucked up. That’s why thinking is better than just believing, so you can follow a simple moral procedure, add up what you’ve actually accomplished given what you do and don’t control, and give yourself good advice, fair judgment, and a break from all the hard work that defending bullshit requires.
–Dr. Lastname
In 2011, I was working two minimum wage jobs seven days a week, trying to cram in a social life while getting over a REALLY bad break up. Eventually, I gave up trying to fix it myself and started going to therapy once a week for 8 months. A year later, I got a better paying job, had free weekends, a new boyfriend, our own flat, an OK social life, BUT I sometimes still feel like it’s 2011 in an emotional sense. I still feel emotionally drained, exhausted, suffer low self-esteem and spend most days trying to not fight with my boyfriend over dishes. I then start feeling bad because I think I am not being grateful for the fact that my life did change for the “better.” I know I suffer from depression– have done since I was about 8 due to having a very abusive father, and long story short, I moved out when I was still in high school (about ten years ago). I thought therapy would help but it seems to have brought other problems to surface. Anyway, my question is, at what point should I stop trying to find happiness and just be happy and what does that even mean? Everyday is very different– one day I feel like buying a one way ticket to anywhere that will have me & leave everyone and everything I have behind, and then the next day I am dancing around the house feeling like I won the lottery. It’s starting to drive my boyfriend crazy but he tries to accept me as I am. So extreme are two days that I am not sure I know how I feel anymore about anything. My goal in 2013 is to stop getting upset/stressing about things that do not help my situation and to learn to relax more and enjoy just being. How do I achieve this seemingly easy task but which to me seems like a very very difficult algebra problem?
While many Christians ask themselves “What Would Jesus Do?,” we often ask our readers to ask themselves “What Would A Friend Say?” While Jesus’s imagined answers are often similar, it’s hard to imagine going out to a bar with Jesus after work and kvetching about your life, so “Friend” seems to work better.
That said, if you told a friend about your struggles—depression, irritability, past-trauma—they would tell you that they’re sorry you’re hurting, but that it’s worth taking time to appreciate all you’ve accomplished, despite what you’ve gone through. Like Jesus, they would not judge. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 14, 2013
When people judge success or failure by the ensuing level of happiness, good guys blame themselves for things they don’t control and bad guys blame everyone else for their own mistakes. Instead of putting your accomplishments on a feelings-based scale, think carefully about what you really can and should control, given your values. That way, no matter if you’re a good guy dealing with bad luck or a jerk who assumes he’s a victim, you can at least feel happy about doing what’s right.
–Dr. Lastname
I wish there was something I could do for my older son (now about 30), but he’s never been happy and I’ve gradually got used to the idea that maybe he never will be, although I’m not sure I’ll ever not feel bad about it. He’s got a job and takes care of himself but, unlike his younger brother, he doesn’t have a girlfriend or a job that he likes. My own belief, and I’ve lived by it myself, is that everyone should at least find work that they like, and then it’s not hard to be happy, but he doesn’t seem close to finding work he likes, and he doesn’t seem to be trying. So I doubt there’s anything I can do to help him, but I thought I’d ask you anyway, because, as his mother, I’ll never feel I’ve succeeded until he finds happiness.
There’s nothing that warms a mother’s heart more than to see her kid smile, but you should also know, by the many good, well-parented, miserable adults in this world, that a good upbringing can’t stop someone from being downbeat.
Your son’s tendency towards misery is not more your fault that it is his; it’s a tough world, genetics has no mercy, and bad things happen. Don’t make those bad things worse then by making him responsible for his inability to get happy and causing you both to feel like losers.
It’s common to believe that one can be happy if they find work that they like, but, like taking good care of yourself, eating right, having regular bowel movements, and most other common sense keys to happiness, that belief is largely bullshit. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 27, 2012
Giving advice is like taking your pants off in front of someone; there better be some sort of invitation or context, or things are going to get weird. That doesn’t mean giving unsolicited advice isn’t the right thing to do, or that there isn’t a right way to do it; you just have to be prepared to control your emotions, particularly anger, fear, and helplessness, and only speak up when you think it’s necessary, if you wish to prevent harm or enmity. Using the proper procedures for advice giving, you can do right by the ones you wish to help, even if you can’t control or guarantee the results. If you can’t keep your negativity to yourself, however, or you know speaking up will do more harm than good, better to keep your proverbial pants on.
–Dr. Lastname
Please Note: We’re off again on Monday for New Year’s Eve. Here’s to a great f*cking 2013!
I talked to my cousin about her son’s guns & isolation, and now she tells me her family is “devastated.” How can I remain at peace with myself? I feel strong at the moment but feel a vague fear that a slow degradation of my strength may occur over time. Her family has been self-devastated for a long time. She divorced years ago. The oldest, adult son has never worked a meaningful job and has developed an intense focus on guns over the past couple of years. He shoots small rodents in their suburban back yard, then cooks and eats them (he uses just a pellet gun for this but with a home-made silencer, which must be illegal). The other son was within one semester of a college degree when he began using heavy drugs. His parents invested a fortune in the best rehab available but the son dropped out with two weeks to go. Start big and quit is one of the family’s MOs—a deeply ingrained pattern. I have often thought they all need “tough love” but now that I’ve provided some, I seem to be a catalyst for further dysfunction. My conscience is clear but I feel sad at what I have set in motion (other sane people encouraged me to raise the warning so I did not operate in a vacuum). Of course, it was heavily influenced by the occasion of the CT school shooting.
When someone you care about appears to be stumbling into deep trouble and letting things get out-of-control, scary, and/or armed, it’s hard not to get scared shitless on their behalf and offer them a piece of your mind.
After all, if they can’t figure out where to draw the line, you figure you can be the one to show them, even though you can’t imagine how a parent could ever, ever allow dangerous behavior to go so far. You want to help your cousin by stopping her from doing something wrong, but telling her that is the wrongest way to go about it.
When someone in trouble doesn’t ask for your help, it’s usually because they’re already worried that they’ve done something wrong and are afraid you’ll think the same. If you confirm their fear of being judged, then they’ll devote their energy away from actually confronting the problem and towards defending themselves against their new problem, you.
You were certainly right to share your worries with her about her weird gun-toting, varmint-eating son, and right to voice your concerns about dangers she may be ignoring. What you shouldn’t do, however, is imply criticism with the words “tough love,” which usually imply that a parent’s over-permissiveness has created a spoiled brat. Even assuming it’s true—which may not be the case if her son is a paranoid schizophrenic—there’s nothing like knocking someone’s parenting to cause a negative, defensive reaction (and nothing like comparing their son to a mass murderer to lay them especially low).
Try starting over, if you can, by telling your cousin what you admire about her parenting and her kids’ good qualities. After all, the older child was obviously hard-working and capable until drug addiction stopped him cold, and, since you don’t describe the younger son as a brat, there’s reason to think he may have been doing well until something went wrong, as well. Tell her you’re sorry if she felt your were criticizing her or her boys, but you just want to be sure she’s safe and offer any help you can.
Then, if she’s receptive, ask her about her older son’s behavior in concrete, specific terms. Don’t ask why he’s changed—that implies that she should have an answer that she obviously doesn’t have and that may not exist—and don’t imply that he’s behaving badly, because you don’t know how much he controls himself. Just ask for the facts, particularly about whatever he’s said or done that’s dangerous or shows his brain isn’t working right. Ask about threats, punches, voices in the head, silence when she asks questions, lost hygiene, and ideas about the FBI or Virgin Mary (it’s funny how they fall into the same category in the psychotic mind).
Whatever facts you uncover, don’t let your fears prompt you to tell her what to do; instead, find out what options she’s tried. If she seems to be ignoring a threat, ask her to consider her reasons for not being more worried. If she seems to be discounting the possibility of mental illness, ask her to read up on the signs and symptoms and consider what to do if they seem to fit.
You can’t tell your cousin how to straighten out her fucked-up family—it would be nice if you could, and even nicer if there was a way she could actually do it—but you can remind her that there are many good parents who can’t stop their families from being fucked up, and many ways of being helpful to your fucked-up kids if you don’t feel like a failure.
Offering help when it isn’t asked for is always tricky, but if you make the tone of the conversation constructive instead of critical, she might not be able to change her family, but she may be able to change her approach. And if she doesn’t, or can’t, you’ll still know you did the right thing, and you did it the right way.
STATEMENT:
“I feel like my cousin’s son could go postal while she pretends there’s nothing wrong, but I know these things don’t happen because of bad parenting. I will try to make her feel respected before inviting her to share what she knows about her son. If I have an opportunity to advise her, I will encourage her to make rational decisions about what she knows rather than following her emotions. I will not let my helplessness force me to become impatient and critical.”
My 22-year-old daughter is a good kid and deserves to be treated as an adult, but she’s been living at home since graduating college because she needs to save money, and I can’t help but notice how many guys she dates and spends the night with. She often seems disappointed when they don’t call her again, and then seems too eager to respond when someone new asks her out. I know if I use words like “bad choices” or “low self-esteem” she’ll stop listening, and maybe I shouldn’t offer advice unless it’s invited, but I sure wish I could help steer her in a better direction.
There’s an obvious danger to giving unsolicited advice (see above), and don’t think the danger is much less when people pay a shrink for it. All you need do is imply they’re doing something morally wrong and you’ve either crushed their confidence or stirred them to crush yours. Unlike the woman above, however, your concern comes from observations, not suspicion, and it regards behavior that is far more within her own control. You know of what you speak, and as long as you speak carefully, a conversation is not impossible.
Fortunately, you can often engage people in willing discussions about their dating problems if you keep the discussion positive, refrain from showing negative emotion (no matter what you really feel) and focus on the kind of thinking you want someone to do, rather than actions you want them to take. So don’t show fear or disapproval, or do the psychobabble equivalent by talking about low self-esteem.
Instead, tell her you respect her achieving her degree, saving money, and taking on the search for a good relationship. Then let her know that, if she’s interested, you’ve got some good ideas for how she can search for a partner while protecting her heart.
It’s true, you may be unacquainted with online dating or be one of those lucky individuals who stumbled into a good partnership without first having had many bad dates and a first marriage. Nevertheless, you can draw on other life experiences, like hiring someone for a job or working out a business partnership.
In the non-emotional, business-like manner of a professional matchmaker, ask her what sort of person she’s looking for and what criteria she uses to screen out deadbeats, heartbreakers, and baggage-bearers. Find out how she gathers factual information about a person’s reliability, work, credit card debt, and dumped-girlfriend history so she can head off trouble before she starts to feel attached. Discuss methods for keeping her distance while doing research.
If she feels unattractive, remind her that making herself more beautiful may get her more candidates, but also requires more careful, tougher screening. Help her list her strengths, which you know well.
If you respect the privacy of her heart while offering to coach her on a head-hunt, you can talk frankly without making her feel threatened. Then she can benefit from your wisdom while you enjoy the pleasure of being her friend (and avoid the mess of accidentally become a grandma).
STATEMENT:
“I hate to see my daughter expose herself to rejection and self-doubt as she looks for love, but I know that criticism of her poor choices will add to her self-blame. She has good values, many strengths, and much to offer. By inviting her to think about search tactics and techniques, rather than about feelings of wanting, needing, and being dumped, I will make my love and experience available to her in a way that she can use.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 13, 2012
Given how little we control our own urges, it’s not surprising that we also have trouble controlling our reactions to them, but it is odd how often those reactions are totally wrong. Brains have a pretty good track record with instincts; get thirsty when hot, get sleep when tired, get away when near snakes, etc. When people get urges that are humiliating, however, even when they’re doing a good job of controlling them, they wrongly blame themselves, but when they get controlled by noble urges, even when they’re causing terrible harm, they give themselves a pass. So, however much you love or hate your urges, don’t give yourself a hard time about stigma or anti-stigma. Instead, remember your own moral priorities and ask yourself whether you’re doing the right thing with whatever urges, pretty or ugly, that you got, and to avoid snakes.
–Dr. Lastname
I have yo yo’d with my weight for ever—I was 8 years old when I remember going on my first diet, and I had binged by lunch time. I have seen a psychologist regularly in the past and a psychiatrist more recently, and been diagnosed with a binge eating disorder as well as melancholic depression. I also have a history of being sexually abused when I was a child and required hospitalization once for an attempted suicide (prior to diagnosis) and have been on various anti-depressants. Last year I decided to press charges against my abuser and the investigation is still taking place. This was very big for me as previously I couldn’t speak about or put into words to anybody what had happened to me, but with the professional help over years, could make a police statement. I have managed to get into a healthy weight range many times in the past, but only when on a program like Jenny Craig or weight watchers, and I resent having to do these programs and can’t commit to them after I have done them once, but I can’t seem to stay in this healthy way of life on my own. I am either losing weight or putting weight on– my thought are always around food, what when and where I can eat next. I hide most of my eating from everyone including my husband. I feel like a drug addict and don’t know how to take control of my eating. I do really well in my career and other areas of my life, I just can’t flip this switch that turns me into a zombie when I want to eat. I read everything I can about these disorders, I talk about strategies with my mental health professional, but when the urge to eat takes over I go into a zone that I can’t switch myself out of. How can I stop this pattern?
Having an eating disorder is rough, but it’s even worse if you give yourself a disorder about your disorder, giving yourself a hard time for having a hard time. It’s especially unnecessary given the fact that it’s harder to find someone with complete control over unhealthy food impulses than it is to find a unicorn.
Almost everyone has trouble controlling eating habits, as evidenced, not just by the multi-billion dollar industry devoted to weight management (which, as you’ve discovered, is no silver bullet), but by the fact that very few people get permanent weight control without surgery. In reality, of course, as much as we try to control our weight, more often, it controls us. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on December 10, 2012
While most people yearn to believe that you can manage unresolvable conflict with communication, unresolvable usually means what it says, and nothing, from long talks to long range missiles, can make that conflict go away. The more you try to communicate, the more listening leads to louder voices and more pain, so opt instead for dialogue that stifles emotional needs for the sake of strategic goals, getting work done, and sparing the children. Learning to manage communication won’t make you happy, but unlike unbridled attempts at futile conflict resolution through intensive sharing, it won’t make you and everyone around you completely miserable.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve had fewer fights with my husband since he started spending more time in the basement bedroom, but that means we’re just putting off deciding what we’re going to do about our marriage. We avoid talking, which means he doesn’t lose his temper and throw thing, but the kids can sense the tension and we’re certainly not moving forward. My goal is to figure out if there’s any possible way to try to stay together, which probably means sharing our feelings more honestly, or if this is truly the end.
There’s a good way to communicate when a deep rift remains in a relationship after peace talks have failed, and it has nothing to do with digging deeper, expressing hard truths honestly, or bringing in professional help (be it a shrink or hit man).
Usually, communication means the ability to express ideas, but in a difficult relationship, it’s the ability to interact in a non-homicidal fashion. As such, your best communication strategy requires accepting differences, then, when the other person digs deeper and expresses whatever intense, unpleasant feeling he or she has to say about you, shutting up.
After all, if certain topics remain explosive and certain behaviors unchanged, then further talk is asking for trouble, no matter how carefully you approach talking about them or how gently you plan to do so. When you can’t negotiate your differences, you just have to learn to navigate around them. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 12, 2012
The problem with drug addiction isn’t just the physical toll of chemical dependency (although that’s problematic, to say the least). On top of the negative effect drugs have on your body, there’s the corrosive effect addiction has on your morality and judgment, which means damage to both body and spirit. It’s addiction’s endless quest for feeling good, despite doing bad things to self and others, that turns you into a bad person. So don’t think that quitting is just a matter of quitting; it also requires getting stronger and caring more about who you are, so being good means more than feeling good ever could.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband never credits me for the way I try to stay sober, he just focuses on the things I do wrong. He claims I trash his things when I’m drunk, and maybe I do, but I love him and I can’t stand the way he’s always angry at me, because his anger makes it very hard for me to get sober. He says I’m always lying but it’s just that I can’t stop myself from saying whatever will stop him from getting angry. My goal is to stop drinking, of course, and I do better when he’s away, but I don’t see how I can do it when he’s around and always angry.
As understandable as it is to care deeply about how your spouse feels about you, it’s dangerous to care more about such feelings than about what’s right or wrong in what you’re doing. In other words, while you may want him to be happy with you, trashing his things isn’t likely to get that result.
That behavior would cause most people to think, not that you’re a caring wife, but a terrible drunk who does bad things to your husband when you’re under the influence. At the same time, you’re more upset about the pain you feel from his anger than about the way your drinking hurts him or compromises your pride in yourself.
Lying and drinking are quick, irresistible reflexes for avoiding pain. Unfortunately, they often make life more painful, which leads to more lying and drinking. In the end, your drinking isn’t your biggest problem; it’s the way drinking has damaged your character. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 5, 2012
The problem with bipolar illness often isn’t the mood swings, though they’re no picnic; it’s the strong, powerful feelings that persist even when one is perfectly symptom-free. These feelings seem totally meaningful as long as you’re in-the-moment, which is where a bipolar person happens to call home. So, if you are bipolar, don’t think your friends or family are calling you childish, selfish, or crazy when they disagree with your extremely important plans. They’re simply warning you that you need to use a different kind of thinking—the kind that doesn’t come naturally—if you want to do right by your values. If you use your whole brain, not just the bipolar part, you’ll get results that will eventually come closer to where you really want to go, no matter where your moods or impulses try to lead you.
–Dr. Lastname
My son has been off his rocker several times because of bipolar illness, but these days, at the age of 30, he usually takes his medication and often keeps a job for half a year or so. The main instability in his life is his drug-addicted, money-sucking girlfriend who steals from him to feed her habit, forcing them to move from place to place because he has nothing left for the rent. You get the picture. I hate her because she prevents my son from crawling out of poverty and I can’t help him because anything I give him goes to her. Of course, the more I hate her, the more he loves her, and now they want to get married. Now, the punch line. He wants me to pay for the wedding, the way I paid for his brother’s. Of course I’m going to say “no,” but how do I avoid having another fight with him and driving him and his Princess Bride closer together?
Whether the question of how much to pay for your son’s wedding to his deadbeat addict girlfriend is one of etiquette, economics, feelings-management, or a mix of all three, the answer is the same: your job is to do what’s best for your son.
Luckily, as sometimes happens, what you want to do is also what you should do, but keeping negative feelings out of your communication is helpful to everyone, including yourself. So, while the question isn’t all about being polite, the way you deliver your answer is.
What you’ve learned from bitter experience, unfortunately, is that giving to your son causes more harm than good by feeding his fiancée’s addiction to both drugs and your son’s attention. You’ve got good reason then to feel angry about what’s happened, or likely to happen, to your possible gifts, and also to think that they’re not a good idea in the first place.
Your job, however, is to use this bitter experience to fashion a positive lesson, which you can do by telling him how much you’d like to give to him, if only that he could make good use of your resources, i.e., he could benefit from a gift if he and his girlfriend were sober, working, and saving. Without sounding bitter or moralistic, you can tell him your conditions, and that if they can’t be met, you don’t think a gift, or a wedding, will be good for either one of them.
Of course, he will probably disagree and accuse you of trying to control his life or punish his girlfriend, but you need to stick to your message. Whom he loves and wishes to marry is his business, whether you like her or not, so expressing your feelings about his girlfriend or marriage is a bad idea. Make it clear that you want to help him get ahead, and you’re sorry you can’t agree that this is a good idea at this stage. You’re just doing your job, and while there’s no further discussion, there are good options for him and his girlfriend if they can get it together.
Asking yourself to keep your disappointment under control is similar to what you’re asking him to do– what’s right rather than what feels good. Whenever he wants something, you have a teaching opportunity, both for him and yourself.
Your goal isn’t to punish or criticize; it’s to express how strongly you’d like to help him and specify the circumstances that would allow you to do so. Maybe he’ll push his girlfriend to rise to the challenge or, if she can’t, he’ll push her away. Meanwhile, you know you did the right thing by him and the family resources.
STATEMENT:
“My skin crawls when I think about my son’s parasitic girlfriend, but I know he can’t help his blind love. Until events free him, I will offer what I can and take pride in my ability to say “no” when necessary, regardless of how he feels about it.”
My wife’s bipolar illness usually makes her spontaneous and fun, so I’d have to say we have a good marriage and have raised great kids. (As long as she takes her medication, her mood swings seldom cause serious trouble.) The only thing that bothers me is that she has an obsessive need to collect high-end antique furniture. Since she has great taste and a good inheritance, her acquisitions are usually valuable and often gain in value, and she’d be a great dealer except she hates to sell one of her precious babies and doesn’t have a feel for the market. As a result, she may well wind up losing what we need for our retirement and our house looks like a classy version of Hoarders. Whether I plead or yell about her next mega-purchase, she doesn’t listen. In all other matters, she’s generous, hardworking, and loves to make her family happy. My goal is to save our savings from her love of beautiful things.
Given your sympathetic understanding of your wife’s love of beautiful furniture, you may find it hard to think practically about the consequences of her spending on your family. Nevertheless, that’s the place to begin; regardless of your feelings (see above), your job is to figure out whether the family finances are in danger, create a budget that will protect them, determine what your own area of control is, and use it.
Sharing your emotions about her spending probably weakens your effectiveness; expressing yours just stimulates her emotions, and they’re stronger and last longer than yours. It’s not that she loves you less than she loves her furniture (although, at certain moments, that may be true), it’s that her lust for acquisitions is stronger than her fear of your disapproval.
Once you’ve found a safe spending limit, however, you don’t have to share negative emotions. Instead, be positive about the pleasures of working within those limits, assuming she can sell as well as buy, and appeal to your common desire to maintain the security of your family finances through the next generation. At the same time, make it clear you will withdraw your own financial or other support in the interest of protecting the budget if she can’t control her spending.
Don’t let fear or anger control your actions or communication. If you’re forced to put up obstacles to her spending, you’re sorry and it’s for a good reason, and, as in the situation above, it’s from necessity and not feelings. If your wife accuses you of acting like a hard-hearted, unloving CFO, don’t change your message. You’re sorry she feels that way but you’re sure you love her, she loves you, and she loves furniture. You’re also sure that the best way of protecting her business and the family fortune is to work within a budget.
With luck, conviction, and toughness, and no pleading, crying, or fuming, you can probably win her agreement to a budget with firm spending limits. She may not like it, but she’ll probably agree that it’s necessary because of the values you both believe in, regardless of the value of her finds.
STATEMENT:
“As much as I hate fighting with my wife, standing against her views when I’m not angry is harder. Knowing that our finances are at risk, however, I will create a budget that is fair and safe and stand by it, for everyone’s sake.”
