Posted by fxckfeelings on June 20, 2011
Common wisdom says to react to disrespect by “standing up for yourself,” but the phrase “common wisdom” itself is usually an oxymoron. After all, no matter how personal it feels to be slighted, most victims of disrespect aren’t chosen for personal reasons, but because they happen to be the closest person to someone who’s wired to act like a jerk. If you push for an apology, bouquet, animal sacrifice, whatever, the problem that caused it won’t go away. Take time to know what you want from a relationship and why you’re there, and disrespect will matter less. What will matter more is the value of your own conduct, which, while not putting a premium on whether you stand up for yourself, does mean holding your head high.
–Dr. Lastname
Well, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years, and during our third year I got into his Facebook account and saw that he’d cheated on me by talking online with girls saying he loved them. I walked away for about 4 months. He tried everything to get me back and after he showed me he changed I thought I should give it one last chance since he is my first everything. I’m trying to move past this but I feel there is something inside me that wants to explode every time I am with him. What advice can you give me to forget this incident or should I not forget?
You’ve given this guy one more chance because he’s your “first everything,” which is understandable. At this point, however, he’s also your first lesson in how character, unlike love, is forever.
He didn’t do this to hurt or disrespect you, because that would imply he thought his actions through before taking them. Instead, he acted on his very flawed set of instincts, which is what brings his character into question. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 30, 2011
When people are in pain and can’t find a good treatment, they often feel like filing a protest—it’s the adult, less-trivial version of a child pitching a tantrum when their situation becomes too unfair. One way to rebel is to embrace a treatment that feels good but does harm, another is to avoid a treatment that feels bad but might help in the long run. As with a red-faced toddler, you can’t help such a person by supporting their expectations, you can only remind them that life is, in fact, unfair, and that they’d better deal with it as it is, or you’ll have to reassess your relationship/take a time out.
–Dr. Lastname
My wife is a good woman, and she loves our son, but she has a trauma history and when she gets anxious, she gets very negative and loses hope in us, herself, and our future. Antidepressants helped some, but less than we hoped. Two years ago, before our son was born, her psychiatrist showed her that negative thinking was half the problem and urged her to get DBT, a kind of cognitive behavioral therapy that would help her develop positive thinking habits. She didn’t follow through but seemed to be doing well until the other day, when I discovered she’s been drinking secretly since she delivered. She says alcohol is the only drug that helps relieve her anxiety, which has been overwhelming. My goal is to find something else that will help her.
Everyone is entitled to anxiety-relief, a fair life, and a healthy body. Along with that entitlement comes the guarantee that everybody (except for a few lucky jerks) has to pay the price.
At this point, her motto is, to paraphrase the New Hampshire license plate, “live free (from anxiety) or drink.” If it were up to you, she wouldn’t feel this way, but it’s not, and you’ve got to tell her that neither freedom nor booze is an option.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 6, 2011
When love goes sour but doesn’t go away, of course you want to find an answer that will set things straight, even if that means indicting yourself for crimes against your relationship that didn’t take place. As eager as you may be to plead guilty, don’t ever accept an indictment for love-crimes until you’ve given yourself a fair trial. More often than not, you’ll find your only crime is robbing yourself of your ability to move on.
–Dr. Lastname
For years (e.g. 9 years or more) our marriage has been almost completely sexless. Within the past few years, affection has largely gone out of the window too. Our relating is often bitter, and this happens in front of our poor 8-year-old son, too. I don’t think I can feel attracted to my husband again, even though I think we could be friends if he hated me less and trusted me more. My goal is to have a relationship with my husband that does not f*ck up our son, or a “healthy” separation from him which causes the minimum of damage to him (our son).
When affection and sex seem to have worn out of a marriage, you might immediately wonder whether or not the marriage is over. That, however, would be jumping the gun—a premature evaluation, as it were.
Before you go deciding a sexless marriage means no marriage at all, consider whether you’ve done all you should to fight marital fatigue.
That’s the fatigue that sets in from feeling like you’re carrying more weight than your spouse, letting him know, finding out he feels the same way, kindly offering to take over his job, and arguing to a standstill until things blow up again. It’s unavoidable in most marriages, at least those that do heavy lifting; after all, the main reason for marrying is to have someone to blame.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 21, 2011
If trauma leaves you with bad feelings, then of course you want to get over it. The problem is that, unfortunately, you were traumatized, not, say, irked. And trauma, by nature and/or definition, haunts you to one degree or another for an extended period of time and doesn’t necessarily pass. If you expect it to go away, like a slight ribbing would, you might get lucky. More probably, however, you will blame yourself for not being able to “get better” and make that trauma worse. If you wind up with trauma, then expect trauma, and learn to manage it. Being told to ignore it doesn’t mean making the memory go away; it means acting as if it wasn’t there. And if we’ve irked you, well, at least it’ll pass.
–Dr. Lastname
I didn’t have any serious injuries after falling off some scaffolding, but I began to have nightmares and the thought of returning to work gave me anxiety attacks. So I took a medical leave, saw a therapist, and got some medication and now I’m much better, but I’m still far from 100% recovered and the thought of climbing a ladder still makes me feel like I’m going to have another attack. So I’m wondering whether to extend the leave until I feel better—I don’t know how long my disability insurance will cover this—or find something else to do, and it’s hard to make a decision when I don’t know whether I’m ever going to feel better. My goal is to feel well enough to make a decision.
Severe anxiety makes sissies of everyone. The primal part of your brain thinks it’s doing you a favor; it’s the part that says fire bad, sun hot, sex yay. Now it’s saying, ladders evil, followed by, run!
Meanwhile, anxiety attacks are so painful, the thing you’re most afraid of is having one again, the very thought of which makes you anxious, which feels like you’re about to have another. Your brain’s protecting you in a hellish spiral.
The scary thing you need to accept up front is that your anxiety, and your anxiety about anxiety, may never go away. If you think you’re supposed to make it go away, you’ll be more discouraged when you can’t; if you climb the ladder while telling yourself it will never happen again, you’re putting yourself into danger. That’s the kind of hope and optimism that will get you into trouble.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on February 14, 2011
All kids mess up—they take after parents, after all. Even more than their parents, they’re vulnerable to acting impulsively due to a cranial cocktail of stupidity, hormones and youth. They’re half-baked brains often interfere with any and all important activities, from behaving decently to getting homework done. There’s no good reason to hold them responsible for most of what goes wrong, then, but every reason to hold them and ourselves responsible for trying any reasonable remedial tactic and treatment. You can’t stop the apple from falling where it will, but you may be able to pick it up before the worms get it.
–Dr. Lastname
My 15-year-old daughter was stealing, using drugs, and staying out all night until I had her arrested and brought to court in shackles, where the judge put her under the supervision of a probation officer. At that point, which was a week ago, she started to behave herself and act like the nice kid she can sometimes be, until today, when I noticed money missing from my wallet and found a bong in her room. I hate putting her through another “scared straight” court confrontation, but she has choices, and she has to learn that there are consequences. My goal is to make sure she makes the right ones.
I’ve heard that nutty “kids have choice” concept applied to fatties, druggies, and sex perverts, as well as kids. I’ve also seen it proven false. Every time.
Everyone wants choices, but when impulses take over, they can get you to do things before the concept of choice has even entered your head. That’s why, at this point, the choice is yours, not hers; whether or not to slow her down with some tough training.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on January 24, 2011
As a general rule, the worst kind of advice is unsolicited, but when you’re a parent, it often feels like giving your two cents is your duty, even if no one asks for it. Of course, it’s hard to offer good advice to your children about touchy, questionable decisions they’ve already made. It’s amazing what you can say and get away with, however, if, instead of giving them a piece of your mind, you take the time to ask them questions about where their mind’s at without any negativity or judgment. Hopefully, you’ll come to a conclusion that makes sense to both of you, and you can save your two cents for a rainy day.
–Dr. Lastname
I wish I could be sure that my daughter is getting the right treatment for my grandson. He’s 7-years-old and been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and his doctor started him on a drug called Abilify, which has some nasty side-effects. I’ve read on the internet that Abilify can be harmful to kids and I wish my daughter and her husband would think twice before allowing themselves to be talked into using it, but I don’t want to intrude into their decision. My goal is to make sure my grandson isn’t harmed.
Never ask someone if they’re sure they know what they’re doing, because if they weren’t sure, you wouldn’t need to ask in the first place.
If you do end up asking your daughter why she’s exposing her son to a dangerous medication, not only will she answer yes, but she’ll give you an annoyed earful as to how she’s doing the right thing, how you don’t know what you’re talking about, and how you should just mind your own business.
She might not know what she’s doing, but neither did you when you opened your mouth.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on December 23, 2010
When you do something truly stupid, the punishment is twofold; first, you have the knowledge of your stupidity, and then, you have living with the results of said stupidity, or making someone you love live with your stupidity, which makes you feel guilty and makes them feel stupid for loving you in the first place. Unfortunately, stupid is an incurable part of being human—some of us have a more dominant stupid gene than others—and remorse makes it worse. If you want to get smart, begin by accepting your inner stupid and getting to know its habits. Then, maybe next time stupidity calls, you’ll have a better answer and skip the punishing results.
–Dr. Lastname
PLEASE NOTE: We will have a new post on Monday, 12/27, but we’re taking a week off after that for family’ing. If you have angst, holiday related or no, that you need to share, speak now or wait until 2011.
Every now and then my husband, who is a sweet soul and mostly very smart, does something so mind-bogglingly stupid that it puts the whole family in danger. The latest incident happened when he was hanging out at a bar after work and, deeply (into drinking and) moved by the hard luck story of the guy on the stool next to him, he offered, without asking me, to guarantee the guy’s car loan. The next thing we knew, the bank was after our savings because his ex-best-bar-buddy had stopped paying the loan and the car was nowhere to be found. I admit it, I did a lot of screaming and feel like I was a saint for not killing him, but the real goal here is, how do I prevent him from doing it again.
You’re asking a mental health clinician to help you understand and/or change your husband’s behavior. Instead, you should be talking to a lawyer.
You want to stop him from doing it again, but what you really need is to protect yourself from the sure-to-happen next time his impulsive, besotted generosity imperils the family treasury.
You probably expect me, as a mental health clinician, to support the humanistic, liberal, uplifting belief that therapy can help people can change. Sadly, you don’t need a professional of any kind to tell you what you already know: that therapy doesn’t have that kind of power WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 18, 2010
Relationships are supposed to include lots of sharing—trust, time, bank accounts—but when relationships hit a wall, too much sharing makes them worse. You might think that speaking the truth will make things right, but it usually makes things very, very wrong. Instead, accept the hurt and create a boundary between your hurt feelings and what you know will work out best. You’ll find yourself with better choices, less need for others to tell you that you’re OK, and an appreciation for not having to share the remote.
–Dr. Lastname
When my ex-husband and I shared a life together, we also shared a drinking problem. After a decade of marriage and 3 kids, we divorced, and I got sober. Now, another decade later, the kids are grown and they have a hard time with their dad, who still occasionally binge drinks, binge opinionates, and, as usual, sees all criticism as ingratitude and rebellion. In addition, his current partner is a nasty drunk. Now, our kids are good doobies who try to give their dad equal time, but I think they are sometimes too easily cowed by his guilt trips and seem resentful and depressed after they stay with him. I don’t believe in saying anything negative, particularly since he’s their father and a fellow drunk. My goal is to help them, if I can.
Short of being more careful with birth control when you chose to breed with a real winner, you can’t protect kids from the pain of bad parenting.
You’d like to, and, in this case, you are partly responsible. Unfortunately, it is what it is, there was love despite the lack of a glove and the results cannot be undone. Plus, any attempt to protect them from pain is likely to make it worse.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on September 30, 2010
There’s something about the decision to take or not take medication that makes people very reactive to feelings, both theirs and others, instead of just weighing the important stuff, like the risks, their symptoms, etc. The only good way to make medication decisions is to think about what will happen to you without them and decide for yourself what will do you the most good. Until the day others can feel sick on your behalf, their reactions to your own carefully thought out medical choices shouldn’t come first.
–Dr. Lastname
Given all my issues, I’m not doing so badly, although it’s true I have a $400/week speed habit. Even with that though, I’m doing well at a demanding, high-powered job, meeting all the overtime demands, and then, at quitting time, when I’ve gotten paid and don’t want to feel bored or alone, that’s where speed comes in. A few years ago, I had a crazy, manic mental breakdown and they started me on medication, which I’ve taken regularly, but I’ve been doing fine ever since, my mood is great, the speed hasn’t bothered me, so I don’t see why I can’t start cutting back on the meds. That’s my goal: to feel OK without meds.
Whether it’s bad for you to use speed or stop your bipolar medications depends a lot on what you believe you need for your future survival, assuming that you care about it.
Since I don’t think that’s a safe assumption, let’s assume you’ll at least consider caring about it after you read my response.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on August 12, 2010
In this “Intervention”-happy society, we tend to believe that bluntly confronting friends about their problems is the ultimate solution. In reality, if you really want to warn a friend about worrisome behavior, it’s better to discuss risk without expressing worried feelings/”your behavior affects me in the following ways.” Worried feelings say you think people don’t know what they’re doing and you do, whereas discussing risk says you’re interested in how they value the cards in their hand and what they’re going to do with the losers. Don’t worry that your calm demeanor will fail to get across the depth of your concern. An in-your-face approach often fails to do much of anything.
–Dr. Lastname
I’ve done some research, and I think my girlfriend is bipolar. She gets into these very good moods for no particular reason, and when she’s in this mood she can’t stop talking and seems high and silly (and that’s when she sometimes drinks too much). When she’s like that, she’s more obnoxious-funny than really funny, but she thinks she’s a riot. I’m not crazy about her up times, but what I really dread is the crash that follows; it’s hell for her and everyone around her. I know she sees a shrink, so I told her what I was worried about, but she acted like I was insulting her and then she said she was sorry, maybe I was right, but she likes feeling happy and doesn’t see anything wrong with it and why should it bother me. My goal isn’t to take away her joy, but I wonder if it’s bad for her to be bipolar and, if so, what she should do about it.
You’re right to worry about your girlfriend’s highs, but getting through to her may not be easy. Manic people aren’t exactly perceptive, unless by perceptive, you mean frighteningly giddy and overwhelming obnoxious.
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