Posted by fxckfeelings on February 7, 2013
As anyone who’s loved someone crazy or addicted knows—or really, anyone who’s watched any non-duck or -storage related programming on A&E—some addicted and/or mentally ill people take too much responsibility for the impact of their behavior on family, and others put too much responsibility on their family for saving them from themselves. In actuality, your job is never to act on your feelings of responsibility until you’ve first observed, and then accepted, what you actually control. The result may suck, and leave you feel totally helpless, but you need never be a slave of guilt when you’ve done what you can with what you’ve got (which is hopefully more than basic cable).
–Dr. Lastname
My wife (we’re gay) has Tourette’s syndrome, anger issues, and a tendency to drink more than she should. I have Bipolar disorder, and an obliviousness to other people’s feelings that is sometimes intentional, sometimes not. My wife and I dated for seven years before we got married, so it’s not like we didn’t know each other’s diagnoses and drama, but most for most of that time I was well-medicated, held down a full time job with benefits, and felt like I wasn’t being my real self. Last summer my anti-depressants kicked me into a full manic break. “God” told me to start collecting camping/survival gear and move in with friends in my home state to work on a civil rights campaign and spend time with my family. We won the campaign, and I got some cherished time with two relatives in their dying days, but I completely f*cked us financially, and ruined my wife’s trust in me. She is adamant that marriage is forever, whether we’re happy or not, and we are going to make it work. I love her, but I’m pretty sure I’m an Asshole, there’s no reason to believe this won’t happen again, and if she doesn’t get rid of me I will ruin her life, whether I want to or not. She wants stability and kids. I don’t think I can provide those things for her. My goal is to reconcile my wife’s expectations with the real limitations imposed by my case of crazy.
As we’ve often said, the best way to know for sure that you’re not an Asshole™ is the fact that you even considered the possibility that you’re an Asshole™. Assholes™ may feel injured, but, since they know it was someone else’s fault, they never feel guilty. Sadly, as a non-Asshole™, you’re forced to feel both.
So just because you’re mortified by what your last manic period did to your family finances doesn’t make you an Asshole™ or a dangerous marital partner, even though that’s the way you feel. It just makes you a good person struggling with a bad illness. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 21, 2013
For all the lip service people give to the importance of truth, your average person is willing to work a lot harder to preserve a bullshit notion than admit what’s real, and that’s not just true for college quarterbacks. Depressed people prefer to listen to their rotten emotions telling them a hundred reasons why they’ve failed, no matter how many victories they’ve achieved, and people with bad habits can find a hundred reasons for thinking they had no choice, despite the many avoidable fuck-ups they’ve fucked up. That’s why thinking is better than just believing, so you can follow a simple moral procedure, add up what you’ve actually accomplished given what you do and don’t control, and give yourself good advice, fair judgment, and a break from all the hard work that defending bullshit requires.
–Dr. Lastname
In 2011, I was working two minimum wage jobs seven days a week, trying to cram in a social life while getting over a REALLY bad break up. Eventually, I gave up trying to fix it myself and started going to therapy once a week for 8 months. A year later, I got a better paying job, had free weekends, a new boyfriend, our own flat, an OK social life, BUT I sometimes still feel like it’s 2011 in an emotional sense. I still feel emotionally drained, exhausted, suffer low self-esteem and spend most days trying to not fight with my boyfriend over dishes. I then start feeling bad because I think I am not being grateful for the fact that my life did change for the “better.” I know I suffer from depression– have done since I was about 8 due to having a very abusive father, and long story short, I moved out when I was still in high school (about ten years ago). I thought therapy would help but it seems to have brought other problems to surface. Anyway, my question is, at what point should I stop trying to find happiness and just be happy and what does that even mean? Everyday is very different– one day I feel like buying a one way ticket to anywhere that will have me & leave everyone and everything I have behind, and then the next day I am dancing around the house feeling like I won the lottery. It’s starting to drive my boyfriend crazy but he tries to accept me as I am. So extreme are two days that I am not sure I know how I feel anymore about anything. My goal in 2013 is to stop getting upset/stressing about things that do not help my situation and to learn to relax more and enjoy just being. How do I achieve this seemingly easy task but which to me seems like a very very difficult algebra problem?
While many Christians ask themselves “What Would Jesus Do?,” we often ask our readers to ask themselves “What Would A Friend Say?” While Jesus’s imagined answers are often similar, it’s hard to imagine going out to a bar with Jesus after work and kvetching about your life, so “Friend” seems to work better.
That said, if you told a friend about your struggles—depression, irritability, past-trauma—they would tell you that they’re sorry you’re hurting, but that it’s worth taking time to appreciate all you’ve accomplished, despite what you’ve gone through. Like Jesus, they would not judge. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 12, 2012
The problem with drug addiction isn’t just the physical toll of chemical dependency (although that’s problematic, to say the least). On top of the negative effect drugs have on your body, there’s the corrosive effect addiction has on your morality and judgment, which means damage to both body and spirit. It’s addiction’s endless quest for feeling good, despite doing bad things to self and others, that turns you into a bad person. So don’t think that quitting is just a matter of quitting; it also requires getting stronger and caring more about who you are, so being good means more than feeling good ever could.
–Dr. Lastname
My husband never credits me for the way I try to stay sober, he just focuses on the things I do wrong. He claims I trash his things when I’m drunk, and maybe I do, but I love him and I can’t stand the way he’s always angry at me, because his anger makes it very hard for me to get sober. He says I’m always lying but it’s just that I can’t stop myself from saying whatever will stop him from getting angry. My goal is to stop drinking, of course, and I do better when he’s away, but I don’t see how I can do it when he’s around and always angry.
As understandable as it is to care deeply about how your spouse feels about you, it’s dangerous to care more about such feelings than about what’s right or wrong in what you’re doing. In other words, while you may want him to be happy with you, trashing his things isn’t likely to get that result.
That behavior would cause most people to think, not that you’re a caring wife, but a terrible drunk who does bad things to your husband when you’re under the influence. At the same time, you’re more upset about the pain you feel from his anger than about the way your drinking hurts him or compromises your pride in yourself.
Lying and drinking are quick, irresistible reflexes for avoiding pain. Unfortunately, they often make life more painful, which leads to more lying and drinking. In the end, your drinking isn’t your biggest problem; it’s the way drinking has damaged your character. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on November 5, 2012
The problem with bipolar illness often isn’t the mood swings, though they’re no picnic; it’s the strong, powerful feelings that persist even when one is perfectly symptom-free. These feelings seem totally meaningful as long as you’re in-the-moment, which is where a bipolar person happens to call home. So, if you are bipolar, don’t think your friends or family are calling you childish, selfish, or crazy when they disagree with your extremely important plans. They’re simply warning you that you need to use a different kind of thinking—the kind that doesn’t come naturally—if you want to do right by your values. If you use your whole brain, not just the bipolar part, you’ll get results that will eventually come closer to where you really want to go, no matter where your moods or impulses try to lead you.
–Dr. Lastname
My son has been off his rocker several times because of bipolar illness, but these days, at the age of 30, he usually takes his medication and often keeps a job for half a year or so. The main instability in his life is his drug-addicted, money-sucking girlfriend who steals from him to feed her habit, forcing them to move from place to place because he has nothing left for the rent. You get the picture. I hate her because she prevents my son from crawling out of poverty and I can’t help him because anything I give him goes to her. Of course, the more I hate her, the more he loves her, and now they want to get married. Now, the punch line. He wants me to pay for the wedding, the way I paid for his brother’s. Of course I’m going to say “no,” but how do I avoid having another fight with him and driving him and his Princess Bride closer together?
Whether the question of how much to pay for your son’s wedding to his deadbeat addict girlfriend is one of etiquette, economics, feelings-management, or a mix of all three, the answer is the same: your job is to do what’s best for your son.
Luckily, as sometimes happens, what you want to do is also what you should do, but keeping negative feelings out of your communication is helpful to everyone, including yourself. So, while the question isn’t all about being polite, the way you deliver your answer is.
What you’ve learned from bitter experience, unfortunately, is that giving to your son causes more harm than good by feeding his fiancée’s addiction to both drugs and your son’s attention. You’ve got good reason then to feel angry about what’s happened, or likely to happen, to your possible gifts, and also to think that they’re not a good idea in the first place.
Your job, however, is to use this bitter experience to fashion a positive lesson, which you can do by telling him how much you’d like to give to him, if only that he could make good use of your resources, i.e., he could benefit from a gift if he and his girlfriend were sober, working, and saving. Without sounding bitter or moralistic, you can tell him your conditions, and that if they can’t be met, you don’t think a gift, or a wedding, will be good for either one of them.
Of course, he will probably disagree and accuse you of trying to control his life or punish his girlfriend, but you need to stick to your message. Whom he loves and wishes to marry is his business, whether you like her or not, so expressing your feelings about his girlfriend or marriage is a bad idea. Make it clear that you want to help him get ahead, and you’re sorry you can’t agree that this is a good idea at this stage. You’re just doing your job, and while there’s no further discussion, there are good options for him and his girlfriend if they can get it together.
Asking yourself to keep your disappointment under control is similar to what you’re asking him to do– what’s right rather than what feels good. Whenever he wants something, you have a teaching opportunity, both for him and yourself.
Your goal isn’t to punish or criticize; it’s to express how strongly you’d like to help him and specify the circumstances that would allow you to do so. Maybe he’ll push his girlfriend to rise to the challenge or, if she can’t, he’ll push her away. Meanwhile, you know you did the right thing by him and the family resources.
STATEMENT:
“My skin crawls when I think about my son’s parasitic girlfriend, but I know he can’t help his blind love. Until events free him, I will offer what I can and take pride in my ability to say “no” when necessary, regardless of how he feels about it.”
My wife’s bipolar illness usually makes her spontaneous and fun, so I’d have to say we have a good marriage and have raised great kids. (As long as she takes her medication, her mood swings seldom cause serious trouble.) The only thing that bothers me is that she has an obsessive need to collect high-end antique furniture. Since she has great taste and a good inheritance, her acquisitions are usually valuable and often gain in value, and she’d be a great dealer except she hates to sell one of her precious babies and doesn’t have a feel for the market. As a result, she may well wind up losing what we need for our retirement and our house looks like a classy version of Hoarders. Whether I plead or yell about her next mega-purchase, she doesn’t listen. In all other matters, she’s generous, hardworking, and loves to make her family happy. My goal is to save our savings from her love of beautiful things.
Given your sympathetic understanding of your wife’s love of beautiful furniture, you may find it hard to think practically about the consequences of her spending on your family. Nevertheless, that’s the place to begin; regardless of your feelings (see above), your job is to figure out whether the family finances are in danger, create a budget that will protect them, determine what your own area of control is, and use it.
Sharing your emotions about her spending probably weakens your effectiveness; expressing yours just stimulates her emotions, and they’re stronger and last longer than yours. It’s not that she loves you less than she loves her furniture (although, at certain moments, that may be true), it’s that her lust for acquisitions is stronger than her fear of your disapproval.
Once you’ve found a safe spending limit, however, you don’t have to share negative emotions. Instead, be positive about the pleasures of working within those limits, assuming she can sell as well as buy, and appeal to your common desire to maintain the security of your family finances through the next generation. At the same time, make it clear you will withdraw your own financial or other support in the interest of protecting the budget if she can’t control her spending.
Don’t let fear or anger control your actions or communication. If you’re forced to put up obstacles to her spending, you’re sorry and it’s for a good reason, and, as in the situation above, it’s from necessity and not feelings. If your wife accuses you of acting like a hard-hearted, unloving CFO, don’t change your message. You’re sorry she feels that way but you’re sure you love her, she loves you, and she loves furniture. You’re also sure that the best way of protecting her business and the family fortune is to work within a budget.
With luck, conviction, and toughness, and no pleading, crying, or fuming, you can probably win her agreement to a budget with firm spending limits. She may not like it, but she’ll probably agree that it’s necessary because of the values you both believe in, regardless of the value of her finds.
STATEMENT:
“As much as I hate fighting with my wife, standing against her views when I’m not angry is harder. Knowing that our finances are at risk, however, I will create a budget that is fair and safe and stand by it, for everyone’s sake.”
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 18, 2012
Assessing one’s self-esteem is like checking for Puxatony Phil’s shadow on Groundhog Day; while we have a long tradition of caring about its status, the results are fairly meaningless. After all, some people with strong characters don’t like themselves because they don’t measure up to high standards, and other people are madder at life’s unfairness than they are at themselves and underperform, not because they don’t like themselves, but because they care more about feeling good than getting strong. And of course, sometimes, it’s just cloudy. In general, it’s better to have a strong character, even if makes you kick yourself, than to see yourself as a deserving, entitled victim in order to break out of the rut of bad decisions and get out of Puxatony once and for all.
–Dr. Lastname
My 14-year-old son seems to care about his schoolwork but he’s unusually stubborn (the psychiatrist says he has Asperger’s syndrome) and he never does his schoolwork the way his teachers want him to. When they ask him to show his work in Math, he refuses, but he often gets the answers right anyway, just without any proof. When they ask him to do a draft of an essay, he just won’t do it, but then the final version he writes at the last minute is fairly reasonable. My son always feels guilty and angry, both for not being understood and not being able to do it correctly, and I’m worried that they’re not teaching him right, in a way that caters to his specific needs. My goal is to get them to give him better help.
You’ve been trying for many years to get your son to show his Math work and finish his preliminary drafts on time, and it just doesn’t happen. He’s had many teachers work with him and no one has found the answer. You’ve made an effort, and after showing your work, it’s fair to conclude “the answer” doesn’t exist.
In addition, telling teachers they need to improve is bound to make things worse since they already have the government telling them they’re responsible for their class’ performance, regardless of what those kids and their families are like. Holding them accountable for not getting results—the “show your work” of the teaching world—isn’t quite fair since you know it’s an impossible job.
Once you add your own personal “no child left behind” intervention, don’t be surprised if the teachers start to find fault with both you and your son in order to defray blame. Whatever happens next, it won’t involve praise or more positive results for anyone. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 11, 2012
Most people feel it’s their duty to help a loved one in need, but that instinct gets problematic when said loved one does not instinctively react with appreciation, or even satisfaction. When that happens, it’s natural to get mad, stop giving, and then feel vaguely responsible for their subsequent misery (especially when they keep blaming you for it). In your mind and theirs, to give or not to give seems like an inevitable choice, but not if giving something actually helps nothing; if you stay focused on giving what you believe is truly helpful, rather than on what they ask for, you can give the people you care about what they actually need without going broke or being forced to be critical or to betray your basic, positive commitment. At that point, regardless of whether they feel hurt, deprived, or grateful, you can be confident you’re doing right by them, your instincts, and your bank account.
–Dr. Lastname
My friends tell me I’m an enabler because I continue to take care of my wife even though she’s got a bad oxy habit, refuses help, and uses my support to stay high. I understand what they’re saying, but they don’t understand what would happen if I put her out on the street. She doesn’t care what happens to her—she’ll go without eating, ignore the kids, have sex with dealers—anything to keep her supply going. I got her to treatment a few times, and even had her court-committed to a 90-day program, but she never really committed to it. If I confront her, she flips out. My friends say my kindness is killing her and preventing her from “hitting bottom,” which is the only way she’ll ever get motivated to recover. Meanwhile, I’m afraid of her becoming totally dependent on her dealers and winding up with HIV or dead in the street. My goal is to find the best way to help her.
While you and your friends are both right in fearing for your wife’s life, you’ve all got it wrong if you think that love, gentle or tough, will work to help her, or do anything but backfire.
As your friends say, she can misuse your support to stay addicted longer and harder, possibly killing herself. As you say, if you throw her out or confront her, she may well destroy herself to spite you and/or prove that there’s no bottom that doesn’t have a sub-basement.
It’s understandable that you’d make it your goal to help her, but your efforts have only been successful in proving it can’t be done). Instead, work to avoid hurting her and protecting yourself while preserving her access to help. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on August 23, 2012
We never advocate trying to change or control someone else, but imposing standards on how someone behaves with you isn’t necessarily trying to control that person, just the behavior that occurs in your immediate vicinity. If that person is someone you love, you hope they can change their behavior for the sake of a better life and closer relationship/even tighter vicinity. As long as you accept your powerlessness over that change, however, you can enforce your standards without rancor, bitterness, or guilt, while hopefully giving them an opportunity to decide to control their behavior on their own.
–Dr. Lastname
A few months ago, after I caught my boyfriend in a series of lies and secretive communications/meetings with several old girlfriends, he agreed to cut off communication with all but two of them whom he considers close friends. I know that this guy absolutely despises authority, so I will not “demand” that he cut off communication to women that he had slept with just before meeting me, women that he had very inappropriate texts and emails with until I caught him, but he told me, with those two women, he will now keep his communication with them “clean.” I say, if he couldn’t stop himself before, he is likely a compulsive (something?) and he’d do himself a huge favor by simply cutting ties. He has sworn to me that he has been physically faithful, but I think that what he did constitutes emotional affairs, and that safeguards should be put in place to make sure it doesn’t happen again. By the way, when he was seeing these girls before me, he WAS physically cheating on every single one of them. So there definitely is a compulsive behavior he needs to get under control…
Intellectually, you’re right to assume that your boyfriend’s past behavior shows that he’s a liar and cheat and that, regardless of his sincerity now, the only way to guarantee he’ll change these behaviors is breaking his texting fingers.
What’s missing in your account is that you haven’t asked yourself what he could possibly do that would make you think he has this problem under control, and what he can do and what he can say are two very different things.
Don’t accept weak, bullshit answers like “I’ll go into therapy” or “I’ll cut back to two friends,” because they don’t acknowledged the likelihood that he’ll do it again, which is the part of his problem that most concerns you. Instead, they allow you to hope that things will get better and forget about the open-door policy of his pants. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 12, 2012
When a bad habit gets between you and something you really want, it’s hard not to expect that good motivation, loads of therapy and deep insight into why you’re fucking up will give you the control you need. Unfortunately, bad habits don’t have easy solutions; they often have a life of their own and, short of administering a good ol’ lobotomy, the power of therapists often falls short. That’s when you need to accept that, for many of us, the best solution for bad habits isn’t a great therapist, but good management.
–Dr. Lastname
I don’t know why I’m always getting in my own way, but I’ve been a fuck-up since I was a kid in foster care (my parents were drug addicts who couldn’t take care of me). I’ve managed to hold the job that I really love, but I almost lost it after 5 happy, productive years because, for a 6 month period, I couldn’t get myself to show up on time. I’d get up on time, but then find some reason to arrive late, and I couldn’t stop myself until I was within an inch of being fired. I got it together to find a therapist, but I can’t get myself to take medication he prescribes, even though I think it could really help me. I also can’t get rid of my drug-addict girlfriend though I and all my friends think she’s a deadbeat user who does nothing for me. My therapist says I have a problem with self-esteem. My goal is to get control of my life.
It would be nice if the only thing standing between you and keeping your job safe, your home ex-girlfriend-free, and your sanity was depression, fatigue, or low self-esteem, but your problem is probably worse than that. It’s not a matter of what you have; it’s more who you are.
So if you think that a supportive therapist or a pick-me-up drug will do the job, you’re wasting your time and heading for more self-disappointment. You did a great job of diagnosing yourself from the get-go—you’re a fuck-up—and, while you’re not hopeless, you’re not going to get the help you need that easily. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 31, 2012
The helplessness of trying to help troubled kids often brings out the fighting spirit in those who care the most. Unfortunately, without a clear enemy from which you can rescue your child, you often fight for goals that can’t happen, target other would-be helpers, and make a bad thing worse. Regardless of how helpless you feel, your goal isn’t to save troubled children from a monster or a mental illness; it’s to find out if there’s something you can do that will actually help while avoiding direct emotional conflict. Not fighting won’t relieve your helplessness, but it will let you work towards something better.
-http://www.fxckfeelings.com/ask-for-help/
My ex-wife, who is a therapist, is spooking me out about our son, whom she says she’s treating for a variety of serious problems. He’s now 10, and he’ll tell me one day, when I’ve got visitation, that he’s having suicidal thoughts, using grown-up phrases that make me think he’s just repeating something he got out of a book or from TV. Then she’ll keep him home from school and stop visitation for a couple weeks while she does “therapy” with him, at the end of which time she’ll declare that the problem is solved. A few weeks later, he won’t show up and she tells me she’s keeping him home for treatment because he’s having “panic attacks.” My kid needs help and I can’t believe her treatment is doing any good. Meanwhile, he’s not getting help from anyone else, especially not the staff of his school, who are eager to help but never see him enough (they’re already bending over backwards to keep him from repeating this year and are trying to avoid reporting him for truancy, given the number of school days he’s missed). My goal is to get my son the help he needs.
It’s hard not to unleash your wrath when your ex-wife’s insistence on playing doctor blocks the real doctor from getting through. Your own child is in trouble, your ex’s behavior is troubling, and you’re this close to tearing her a new one.
Remember, however, that nuclear wars between protective caregivers are costly and often harm the one you most want to rescue; by fighting against your ex-wife’s treatment, you’d just be increasing her blast range.
The first thing to do then is to consider the alternatives while taking comfort in the fact that there’s a great deal you can learn about your child’s problems, and a great deal you can do to help. But it’ll only work if you take things one at a time instead of taking your wife down. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 29, 2012
Before we discovered communication as the solution to family conflict and misunderstanding, we knew better. Back then, people thought before they spoke, believed silence was golden, and had to live without remote controls. Communication satisfies a yearning, but if you think first about your goal before opening your mouth, you’ll usually discover that it’s good to communicate a positive vision and bad to share feelings before remembering how your first-degree relative will almost certainly respond.
–Dr. Lastname
After my son left home, he became very distant and uncommunicative. Then last year, almost ten years later, he finally starting calling me regularly, then opened up and confessed he had a problem with drugs and alcohol. I was delighted by his openness and thought we were on the right track, but now, a year later, I’m starting to wonder. What now happens is, after he’s gotten wasted on one thing or another for a few days and run out of money, he calls me up to tell me how bad he feels, how sorry he is, and how much he hates himself. I try to be sympathetic, but I hate to hear his misery, I’m tired of telling him he’s really OK, and I’m angry that he doesn’t stay sober for very long and doesn’t do anything about it except dump the problem on me when he’s feeling low. My goal is to see him get better, so I don’t want to cut communication, but our talks are not working.
Shared feelings can be a good step forward if your son knows what he wants to do with himself, other than share feelings.
Hurray, he’s discovered you’re supportive and not mean, punitive or critical, and sharing with you feels good. Unfortunately, that’s his only goal. You’re not reconnecting, you’re becoming his favorite hangover cure. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
