Life, Love, Regret
Posted by fxckfeelings on March 24, 2011
There are many good reasons love is often compared to delicious food, and one is that delicious food, like love, has a habit of sticking to your bones, and memory, long after the meal is done. While good food can become fat, love gone wrong curdles into regret, sadness, and/or ill will. If you don’t accept those feelings, regardless of how undesirable they are, you’re doomed to stay miserable/stuck in your fat pants. Fortunately, you aren’t what you feel, or what you eat, so you can learn to manage your love aftermath by admitting to the heartbreak, learning from the experience, and continuing your search for love while on a reasonable diet.
–Dr. Lastname
I was cut off suddenly by someone I loved 6 years ago, and it still feels like it happened yesterday. I want to move on so that I can have feelings for another person, but it just hasn’t happened. I’m afraid I will feel like this forever.
When you can’t get over being dumped, and time is healing no wounds, then check out two possible reasons. Three reasons if you have a large tattoo of your ex’s name in a highly visible place, but that’s a simpler problem to fix.
One is that your personality may have innate tendencies to hang on, or obsess, or self-blame, or do something that keeps losses from fading away. Sadly, personality isn’t something you control; if anything, it controls you.
That’s why good, smart people may find they tend to hang on to old losses, and figuring out why is often an excuse for hanging on rather than letting go. If you tend to hang on, accept that fact about yourself so you can learn to manage it (despite the past, your feelings, or your personality).
The second reason is that grief, guilt or regret may lead you to do things that keep you hanging on (like, in certain cases, therapy). You may be spending too much time crying in the beer, or trying to figure out what you did wrong, or sharing your feelings about lost love. People sometimes confuse sharing feelings with shedding feelings, but that’s not the case; not only do the feelings stay, they grow due to all the attention.
Remember, it’s tempting to look for control you’ll never have, no matter how long it eludes you. Sure, sometimes there’s pleasure in dwelling on the drama of a broken relationship and intense, sorrowful-but-pleasurable longings that, by their nature, seem more meaningful than your usual everyday boring life. Voila, you’ve got a good country and western song or even a mediocre Lifetime movie, but that probably isn’t much comfort.
Instead of getting caught in the sad sweetness of regrets, do a business-like inquiry into what went wrong. If there’s something you can and should improve, do it. Otherwise, your goal is to improve your dating and emotion management now, which, needless to say, means steering away from sad thoughts and into better relationships.
Assessment and acceptance are your best strategy, at least until science figures out how to laser out our bad traits as easily as they have tattoo ink.
STATEMENT:
“I can’t stop hurting about lost love, but I can celebrate my ability to be faithful and my willingness to risk hurt in order to find a good relationship. I acquired my wounds in a good cause. I won’t let pain stop me from trying again.”
My old boyfriend keeps running into me and it creeps me out. He claims it just happens because we hang out at the same places and there’s nothing wrong with being friendly. Then he starts to reminisce about old times and express regret that things didn’t work out. It’s not scary and it’s not illegal but it’s annoying as hell, to the point that I can’t step out the door without looking both ways to see if he’s around, and I’m staying away from my usual haunts just to avoid him. My goal is to reclaim my territory from his sticky intrusions.
When someone’s behavior is annoying but not illegal, there’s nothing much you can do. Not only can’t you control him or get him to see your point of view, but showing your dislike may satisfy his need to maintain a sticky connection with you. It doesn’t matter if the stick is negative, as long as he has an excuse to stick around.
From what you say, you’ve let him know you’d prefer more distance, and you’ve put it positively. If your tone suggests dislike or contempt, he’s got more reason to make you suffer, while luxuriating in the unhealthy pleasure (see above) of being the victim of a cold, cold heart.
(For this case’s country and western inspiration, see Hank Jones, no relation to George, other than blood alcohol level).
Just in case you haven’t done it, the positive way to urge him to stay away is to tell him you should avoid one another because feelings run deep and it’s best not to stimulate them. You don’t need to say which feelings belong to whom.
Otherwise, remember that dating is inherently dangerous and that this dating malfunction taught you something that will help you greatly in the future. Hopefully, you now know what to avoid. If not, see a shrink about breaking a bad habit. In any case, you’re experiencing the painful payment for a valuable life lesson.
You still have the power to reduce contact, but it requires giving up your territory. Hey, getting attached to a particular territory is never a good idea. It’s the cause of most wars and carpet pee stains for dog owners. Be a citizen of the world, or at least the world of Starbucks.
If you do meet, keep your feelings masked, because he feeds on them and your attention. Nod, break eye contact, and move away. You can’t stop him, but don’t feed the bears, and eventually he’ll find nourishment elsewhere without your having to involve the park ranger.
STATEMENT:
“I hate to feel crowded out of my hangouts, but sometimes it can’t be helped. My goal isn’t to defend my territory; it’s to keep dating and avoid trouble. I won’t let someone’s creepy behavior stop me from trying hard to find a better boyfriend.”
