Friendship Request
Posted by fxckfeelings on October 11, 2010
Nobody wants to deny help to a loved one who needs it, but once the help is given, nobody wants to deal with the often messy aftermath. Your help may not get the grateful reaction you’d hoped for, or the help-ee may come back to you with a request for more assistance than you can possibly provide. In order to avoid the tense, nasty, Larry David-esque path that thoughtless generosity can put you on, decide first what you think is right to give, without letting your actions be dictated by neediness or a fear of what people will think or say when you say no. At fuckfeelings.com, we aren’t big on the benefits of helping, except when it’s truly appropriate, like right now, with this advice.
–Dr. Lastname
When my wife and I split up ten years ago, she got full custody of our son; she wanted to punish me, and after a long court battle, she came out victorious and I’ve tried to make the best with what little access I have. Since we split up when he was 8, my kid’s in college now, so he can see me if he wants to. The thing is, most of the times he gets in touch, it’s because he needs money. I talk it out with him and only really give when it doesn’t seem stupid (no, I’m not funding his desired giant flat screen), but when I talk about coming to visit, he’s always got a reason to say no. More and more, I feel like I’m being used. My goal is to see my son, and it’s also not to let him feel he can get away with using me.
Even without messy divorces, evil exes, and unfriendly court rulings, some parents find they can’t have a reasonable relationship with a selfish kid.
You might want to blame yourself for his behavior—that somehow your divorce and the ensuing custody fight corrupted him somehow—but whatever, he is who he is, whether nature or mal-nurture, and he’s not going to change anytime soon.
If you’re a parent, that’s a horrible thought, but if you think back to the kids you knew when you were a kid, you know it’s true. Even if you and your wife stayed together, he might well be an inconsiderate little college-age twerp, at least until life, or his wife, beats the crap out of him.
As a parent, you know that helping and protecting your son is part of the job description, no matter how unfriendly or phony or critical he is. It’s like being a great waiter; serving an ungrateful patron is your greatest challenge. You may get no satisfaction out of parenting a selfish kid, but you’ll never feel like you’ve done your job and been a good parent if you retaliate or get nasty yourself.
Don’t focus on changing him, because, if he’s selfish, the only thing he’ll learn from your criticism is that mother was right. Accept him the way he is and hope that life, and your own steadiness, will eventually chip off his rough edges.
Give him what you think is right and appropriate, nothing more, and don’t get extra-friendly when he sounds affectionate. On the other hand, don’t give him less or sound cold when he cancels your invite. Expressing strong feelings either way will do more harm than good.
Don’t think that being used makes you a pushover, because you’re never a pushover when what you give is what you believe you should give. Just don’t let neediness control your actions, and don’t torment yourself with guilt for the selfish state of the seed of your loins.
STATEMENT:
“It’s too bad that renewed contact with my son hasn’t made us friends, or made him act like the mensch I hoped he would be, but perhaps, if I stay cool, do my job, and don’t show my disappointment, he will eventually become someone I can trust. Regardless, I’m proud of being a good father when it’s a difficult and thankless job.”
When my brother’s wife split, I felt bad for him, but it’s not like I didn’t see it coming. The kind of woman that leaves her husband and two small kids to fall off the face of the earth was probably never that sane to begin with, if you know what I mean. The thing is, as much as I love my brother and his girls, I can’t offer to take them in—the girls are young, my house is small, and my brother is the kind of idiot who marries and has two kids with a psycho. My instinct tells me to lie low, but that also makes me feel like a jerk. I want to do right without being driven as nuts as my brother’s ex-wife.
You may have good reason to run away from a talk with your brother; he may make unreasonable demands and you may wind up feeling guilty about saying no or resentful that you couldn’t. He may also use your help to find a new psycho skank.
On the other hand, you’ll never feel that great about yourself if you run away from the potential demands of people you care about, no matter whom they date.
In any case, you need to develop a sense of when to give that is not too reactive to guilt or sob stories, which is no easy task. We’re all naturally responsive to the Jerry Lewis Telethon effect and give because someone is persuading us that we should and won’t stop until we do.
Rationally, giving to your bother isn’t a good idea if it does too much harm to your own family, or relieves your brother of the need to work hard, or prevents him from seeking help from other sources. Remember, the saintly people who talk most about the joy of giving often have no competing demands on their resources.
Before exposing yourself to his needs, assure yourself that you will not give an immediate response, but instead take time and do your research, much like a banker considering a loan request. The interaction may wind up being painful, and your brother may be angrier with you for offering to help and then saying no than if you had never called in the first place.
You’ll feel like a better person, however, if you extend a hand, and a stronger person if you know the right reasons for saying yes or no to a request for help. Just because your brother makes ill-informed decisions doesn’t mean you should, too.
STATEMENT:
“I know things must be unsettled for you and I’d like to help, if there’s some way I can. If you want to talk over your options, I’ll be happy to be a sounding board, and maybe we can help if you need a sitter. Let me know.”
