Uncivil Unions

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 23, 2010

You can’t force people to love you, your partner, or your favorite Beatle, but as long as you’re sure you’ve made the right choice, you can learn to stand by your decision without getting drawn into a fight. Defending your choice or partner to your parents or your kids is harder than defending Ringo, so protect yourself from over-reaction with preparation, courage, and a disciplined determination to shut up. And maybe an open mind about Paul.
–Dr. Lastname

My parents have been on my case for years to find a new girl and settle down. I’m not a particularly social guy, so it took a lot of work/internet dating to find my fiancée, an amazing, down-to-earth woman who was worth all the effort. The only trouble is, I know they’re not going to be happy about the fact that she’s not Catholic. I’m barely Catholic myself—I was raised Catholic obviously, but haven’t been to church since high school—and since my fiancée doesn’t have a religious bone in her body, I’m not about to ask her to convert. Still, my parents are going to be unhappy, and I’m sure it will show and it hurts me and will probably affect how welcome my fiancée feels in our family. My goal is to get my parents to see past our faith (or lack thereof).

While we can tell you to fuck feelings, it’s not that easy to tell your parents to do the same, if only because they believe that saying “fuck” can send you to hell.

More importantly, there’s nothing you can say that will change how they feel, and trying will just make their feelings more important, which they aren’t, and trigger a conflict no one can win.

Over time, a stable marriage and the arrival of grandchildren may change their minds, but for now, your words can’t. In any case, what’s most important is not how they feel, but whether you’ve chosen a good partner. The holy trinity of mom, dad, and Catholic guilt will have to suck it up.

It sounds like you’ve made a realistic, careful choice. You’re aware that it’s hard to find a partner who is both solid and compatible, in part because it took a long search. You describe the life you want to lead and the qualities of character you’re looking for, rather than how she looks or how wonderful she makes you feel.

These are all encouraging signs for a good-yet-godless marriage, which is more important, in the end, than pleasing your parents or a mandate to perpetuate their culture, religion, and beliefs, as well as their DNA.

So ignore the pain of their disapproval and be your own judge. Obviously, you believe you made a good compromise, given what your search turned up. Yes, their disapproval hurts, but the pain is worth bearing and is unavoidable.

You’ve been responsible about looking for a partner, but you can’t take responsibility for your parents’ feelings. Be prepared to state why you think your choice is a good one without making their feelings a factor; have the balls to stand by your choice and ignore what others think, whether or not god is on your side.

STATEMENT:
“After a long search, I’ve found a wonderful woman to be my partner. I’ve thought carefully about the strength and values she’ll bring to our family, as well as how well we both enjoy and tolerate one another, depending on circumstances, and I think we’re a great team and that I’m a lucky man. My parents may be disappointed by the fact that she’s not Catholic, but, in the end, I hope they’ll be won over by who she is and what we’re able to accomplish together.”

My ex-husband was, to use your term, an asshole. I married him young and learned my lesson too late; he never had a steady job (but it was never his fault), didn’t spend very much time with the kids, and was verbally abusive (even when he wasn’t smashed). I hid most of his bad behavior from the kids, so they were surprised we got a divorce, and now that I’m serious about a new guy, they’re both really, really upset. As far as they’re concerned, their father is blameless (and of course, he reinforces this idea since he sincerely believes he’s never done anything wrong in his life). I don’t want to tell them about the bad side of their dad, I just want them to have an open mind about my boyfriend, who’s a great guy who will almost certainly become their step-dad. He doesn’t deserve the treatment my kids give him, and even though they’re in high school and out of the house soon, I want everyone to get along. My goal is to get my kids to be nicer to their future step-dad without me having to throw their father under the bus.

The best way to get your kids to side with their asshole father is to try and control their feelings, either by pushing them to have good feelings about their prospective step-dad or bad feelings about their dad.

Remember, their dad believes he’s never done any wrong, and that’s what the kids will believe until they’re old enough to know better and/or share you without hating you. So no matter what you do, you’re ultimately just pushing them into his ever-loving asshole arms.

In the long run, the kids will probably find their own reasons to be disappointed in him. He may try to be the good guy, but assholes can never stop showing their true nature, sooner or later, because they’re never aware of what they’re doing wrong.

If the kids don’t eventually see through him, they’re idiots and there’s nothing you can do (a trait that certainly comes from his DNA).

Usually, however, time exposes character and will do your work for you, if you don’t mess things up by trying to control how the kids feel. No, you don’t have to let your kids be brats without consequences; but you shouldn’t force them to like your fiancé, either.

Like the guy in the case above, stand by your choice and make it clear that their feelings don’t matter, but their actions do. Don’t feel sorry for your boyfriend; if he’s too sensitive to the kids’ disapproval, he shouldn’t move into the house and probably doesn’t have the stones to be your partner.

If he loves you enough, he’ll find a way to continue the relationship; if not, then it’s not to be. You can’t get rid of your divorce or its impact on the kids; you can only find a guy with the right qualities to ride out the storm.

In the end, if your choice is right, your partnership will make you and the family more stable and the kids will come to appreciate that fact. Just stand your ground, don’t push, and your asshole ex will find a bus to throw himself under soon enough.

STATEMENT:
”I’ve chosen a new partner who is responsible, kind, and solid. We work well together. He likes kids. Ideally, I want someone my kids would like, but these other qualities are more important because they will decide, in the long run, how much support this partnership provides for me and, indirectly, for them. I will encourage them to see his strengths, but I won’t force them to like him or get close to him. I will, however, insist that they respect my decision by treating him properly.”