Baby Bust

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 16, 2010

Everything about having a kid, from the “birth plan” to the child’s name to the choice to procreate itself, is fraught and complicated. If you choose to have a kid, you feel responsible for making the experience perfect, and if you choose not to, you’ve failed to take a responsibility that many people believe you should. So, if you’re feeling guilt or regret, learn what triggers that guilt-reflex and how to disregard it when your own moral judgment clears you of wrong-doing. And if you could avoid naming your child any derivation of Aiden, all the better.
–Dr. Lastname

My younger brother and his wife just had a baby. While I’m thrilled for them and love my baby nephew to death, it’s been harder for me than I thought it would be. While I’m in my early 30s and don’t have any children of my own (but I do have a great husband), I’m not jealous. Actually, I feel guilty for not being jealous, or not holding my nephew and wishing I had a child of my own. I don’t understand why I don’t want kids, but I really don’t. When I married my husband, he felt the same way, but now he’s started talking about starting a family and I feel awful that I can’t get on the same page, or just can’t be normal and want a baby as much as I think I should. I want a second dog way more than I want a baby, and that I feel that way makes me feel terrible. My goal is to figure out what’s wrong with me and why I can’t be a mom.

If you and your husband agreed in advance to live in the country and he later decided he preferred Manhattan, you probably wouldn’t feel guilty about thwarting his desires by keeping him in the sticks, even if it made him unhappy.

So, while you wouldn’t like to deprive him of his dream, you wouldn’t feel guilty about it, either. Ask yourself then why having children should be such a different issue.

Alas, a baby is not a Manhattan apartment. One big difference is the societal prejudice that equates having children with being a success as a woman. Even if your family tells you they support your choice, you need see only the slightest glimmer of pity or disappointment in their eyes to trigger your own prejudice, self-criticism, and guilt.

After all, most feelings of guilt have nothing to do with an objective judgment that you’ve done something wrong; they’re just a painful, reflexive response to being in the vague vicinity of someone’s suffering and, in this case, the pain may emanate as much from your own prejudice as from your husband’s disappointment.

Remember, you have good reason to respect your own decision. You thought things through, informed your partner in advance, and assured yourself that he shared your priorities about not having children. Don’t worry about your parents’ need to be grandparents, because your brother’s baby lets you off the hook. Worrying about what the rest of the world thinks will cause you more agony than caring for a colicky infant, so don’t bother.

Instead, respect your right to choose and the care you took to negotiate the issue in advance. As long as you meet your own standards of conduct, and it appears you do, then you should never judge yourself guilty.

You’re the judge; don’t let guilty feelings make your judgments for you. Whether or not you chose to have a kid, the procedure is the same; you make a thoughtful decision and you stand by it. Choosing to be kid-free may make you feel guilty, but the breeders may get fat, so nobody walks away feeling good.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement to protect you from over-reacting to the needs of others. “I would hate to cause my husband pain or lose our partnership because he wants children and I don’t, but I know that my life priorities don’t include kids, I gave him fair warning before we married, and he assured me we agreed. If I wanted kids, I’d want him to be the father; but since I don’t, I hope his feelings won’t get in the way of a great partnership.

When my daughter was born, my life changed. My wife and I tried for years to conceive, and I loved my little girl more than I’ve ever loved anything before. She was an adorable kid, but as she grew, she became a lot more difficult. She started talking back to teachers in elementary school, got into fights in junior high, and by high school she was expelled and sent to the alternative high school (where she is failing). My wife and I raised her in a loving home—we didn’t spoil her, but we did make sure she knew that she was loved and important—and now we don’t understand this person she’s become, or why. We will always love our daughter, but right now, we don’t like her or know what to do with her, and it tortures us, because we can’t hide the fact that we don’t like her, and that’s probably making her even worse, which means we’re failing totally as parents. Our goal is to get back the daughter we could like and support, as well as love.

One of the toughest things that can happen to a parent is to have a kid you can’t like, no matter how hard you try. You’re not the only ones; think about how Dick Cheney’s parents must have felt.

People tell you that this isn’t likely to happen if you’re a good, caring parent and bring up your kid properly, but people are often full of shit. Unlikeable kids happen to nice parents, the same as crib deaths.

Call it genetic diversity and proof of evolution or call it plain bad luck, but either way, you don’t cause it and, conversely, you can’t change it.

So don’t make it worse by wondering what you did wrong. The good and bad news are both: nothing. You’re fucked, it’s not personal, and your goal is to make do with your doodoo daughter.

So instead of lamenting your failure or trying to change your unchangeable feelings, focus on doing a good job which means, in this case, not being mean. It also means providing your child with lots of incentives for good behavior while suppressing your negative emotions about bad behavior.

If you feel less responsible for this mess, it’s easier for you to be a good coach for your child (and coaches often have to be positive and supportive with players they don’t particularly like). If you feel too responsible for her behavior or having negative emotions about it, you’ll be mean, and mean makes things worse.

No matter how you do it, being nice and implementing tough rules with a kid you don’t like is easier said than done. Sadly, you have no choice, because not doing it is even harder. Much harder even than working as hard as you did to conceive a child who turns out to be a dud.

STATEMENT:
“We seldom feel any pleasure or satisfaction in raising our child, but that’s because life is hard, and not because we messed up or because our child chooses to be bad. Given our helplessness and anger, we do an amazing job of tolerating her and helping her gain better self-control. Other people who know her may wonder where we went wrong. We know that we do one of the hardest jobs in the world and we do it very well, particularly since we don’t know whether it will ever pay off.”