Rehab Redux

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 4, 2010

We all have different standards for bad behavior; some people hate themselves for eating more than 1000 calories a day, while others don’t understand why you think it’s such a big deal that they drive drunk. While the opinions of those close to you are worth considering, the only true judge for what’s right and wrong is, surprise, you. Just as long as you weigh all the risks and benefits (and eat a cookie and/or call a taxi).
–Dr. Lastname

Do you think sex addiction is a real disease that needs therapy, or is it a way to make a big deal out of nothing that helps cheaters and the people they cheat on feel better while people in your business get paid? I love my wife—we’ve been together for almost 20 years—but I don’t think anyone would say I have an disease because I grab a little extra action if the opportunity comes along. I don’t think she knows I’m not faithful, it doesn’t happen that often, and I don’t think it hurts our marriage at all. It’s not like I have a steady mistress; I just end up going home with women I meet when I’m traveling sometimes, because it’s nice to feel young and like I haven’t lost it, whatever it is. As far as I can tell, everyone wins, because I feel better and my wife is less annoyed by my constant begging for sex. So my goal is to figure out if the way I live my life, which seems to be A-OK, is actually reason to go into rehab.

To rehab, or not to rehab. That is the question.

You’re raising the timeless question, and obviously, we’re not going to tell you to let your feelings be your guide, or, for that matter, your daddy, your minister, your rehab counselor, or your parakeet, Ray.

As to the validity of sex addiction, it either doesn’t matter, or it depends on your definition of illness. I define illness as something wrong with your body that’s personal, important, and out-of-control, and it doesn’t matter whether it’s cellular or behavioral, neurological or psychiatric. Or kinky.

Some people have lots of guilty feelings over nothing, others have no guilty feelings ever, and others are swayed by whomever they spoke to (or whatever website they read) last.

In reality, you can figure out the answer to the rehab riddle yourself if you’re willing to push aside false hope and wishful thinking, as well as unreasonable guilt.

Wishful thinking is believing there’s no risk of anyone’s getting hurt because, so far, no one has been hurt; that’s what it means to think with the little head. Unreasonable guilt is feeling so bad about having sinned that the only way of getting relief is to do it again.

That said, let’s look realistically at the risks and benefits of a sexual adventure. The benefit is a good (or even great) feeling, but the risk is that, despite your efforts to be discrete, your cover may get hit by an STD, a partner’s passionate clinginess or nastiness, or some other accident. You’re the one who knows best what happens after the great reveal in terms of your wife’s feeling hurt and/or deciding to end your partnership.

Whatever happens, it will involve lots of pain for you and your wife (and your kids if you have them), and lots of business for yours truly, never mind realtors, lawyers, jewelers, you name it.

For most people, that kind of marital apocalypse is an emotional and financial catastrophe. On the country music timeline, begin with “My Cheating Heart” and wind up “Sleeping Single in a Double Bed.”

You may think you’re in the clear if your partner subscribes to an “open marriage” and tells you she doesn’t believe in jealousy. Again, if that’s what you’d like to hear, don’t trust your ears until you ask yourself what she’s really likely to do, given all you know about her and her past relationships.

Remember, you’re not asking for permission from your mama; you’re the papa and a grown-ass man whose job is to figure out how things will really work out for the entire family.

So don’t wait until you’re scared by the evening news or local preacher or shrink to find whether or not to rehab. Look at the risks realistically and then do what you think is right.

If you decide to stop and can’t, then look for whatever help is simplest, cheapest, and most available and move on to costly treatments only if you absolutely have to. Remember, as much as you’d like to think that the costliest intervention—a month at Betty Ford—is more likely to give you the strongest, most permanent, temptation-resistant self-control, it’s not so.

If your sexual behavior is out-of-control and can do serious damage, and there’s a treatment that might work, then it’s worth a try. Start cheap, however, before you plunk down a college-tuition’s worth, and remember that treatment may not work. Or you can keep going, and pay the equivalent of my entire Harvard bill during your divorce.

Either way, the decision is ultimately yours, and hopefully things will work out better for you than they did for rehab Hamlet.

STATEMENT:
Write up a risk-reminder before the next time you leave town. “There’s nothing wrong with the pleasure of being attractive but there’s lots wrong with what can happen next. If I think the risks of causing harm are too great, I’ll do my best to avoid temptation. I may feel like a nervous wimp who’s afraid of what other people think. In reality, I’m doing what’s necessary to manage my life and do what’s right.”

When I was a teenager, I used to shoplift a lot, and I stopped, like a lot of kids, when I turned 18 and could get into real trouble with the law. That was a long time ago, and while I haven’t stolen anything from a store with a price tag on it since then, I do, and I’m not proud of this, grab any freebies I can get my hands on. For example, everything from the sugar packets to the toilet paper in my house is taken from local coffee shops. I want to stop doing it, because I’m really ashamed of the habit and I know it’s stupid, but I honestly feel like I can’t help myself. My goal is to stop taking things, whether or not they’re free.

Any behavior that doesn’t measure up to your standards of control will make you feel bad, but if control-of-everything was important, then those iron-willed guys who like to see how long they can hold their fingers in a flame (you notice they never hazard other body parts) or tolerate vigorous self-lashing would be the most virtuous, instead of the most insane.

Your goal then isn’t to feel in control (or put any vulnerable body parts at risk); it’s to have enough control over the controllable things that really matter.

You can judge the importance of any behavioral control problem by asking yourself how much harm the problem is likely to cause and how hard it is to control.

Don’t question whether it’s an addiction or not, or, at least, don’t do it more than once. Questions about whether or not you need withdrawal symptoms to define something as an addiction, or what the difference is between addictive and obsessive behaviors, help you dodge the tough question you don’t want to face, namely, how you’re going to deal with it.

Instead of debating the nature of addiction, ask yourself whether you have bigger behavior problems that are harder to notice, like, say, not doing enough with your life. Often a weakness for petty thievery is a sign that you don’t have other goals that are more important.

So add up the risk assessment of your out-of-control behavior. No, you’re not likely to get arrested, but you’re not going to like yourself for the fact that whoever sits down on the can after you’re finished, both with the toilet and taking the TP, is in for a nasty surprise. You need to ask yourself whether you’ve got better things to do with your time and, if not, what are you going to do about it.

Don’t ask yourself whether this sin will prevent you from getting into heaven, or even whether it will cause you embarrassment. Instead, imagine that your time is running out, and then wonder whether you’ve taken on enough meaningful tasks in life, like making a living and caring for others, to make you proud, with or without an iron-will.

STATEMENT:
Keep your smaller guilts from interfering with your bigger concerns. “I don’t always like my behavior or control it as well as I should, but I do my best with the bigger, harder responsibilities of life and that’s the source of my pride.”