Big, Bad Business

Posted by fxckfeelings on February 22, 2010

Very few people leave their jobs everyday feeling great—it is called “work” for a reason, after all—but it’s extra difficult to accept when a boss or business partner leaves you feeling betrayed, used and screwed (unless you’re in the actual sex trade, where upon, it’s just another day at the office). Ultimately, even for sex workers, the job isn’t personal, and it’s not worth taking it that way.
–Dr. Lastname

For a long time, I truly believed that my boss was my mentor, if not a father figure; he seemed to look out for me, take a special interest in my career, and generally groom me for promotion within his company. After I did well with responsibility, he’d come through with reasonable raises and he liked to tell people that he believes in promoting women. Recently, though, I’ve noticed that he does little more than flatter me now that he has me doing all the dirty jobs and he keeps all the interesting stuff for himself and two of his favorite “old boys.” He gets irritated whenever I suggest I could do more and likes to bask in the gratitude of his new favorite girl, a secretary with big tits and not much else. I’ve worked hard here over the years, and I don’t really want to find a new job, but I feel like I’ve been used and misled, and generally wasted my time under false pretenses. My goal is to get the recognition I deserve, even if it’s not from the mentor I thought I had.

Wanting recognition at work is a reasonable wish and, if it was just a problem of your learning how to speak up, dress up, and get rid of your braces, then more power to you.

Many people are familiar with the usual fairy stories, and have pushed themselves to be more assertive and reach their dreams. Not only hasn’t it worked, but it brought down crap on their heads to insure an unhappily ever after-style result.

Your sad fable teaches us three important lessons, the first being the most basic and important; life isn’t fair. In most schools or companies or families, you’ll be told that a major goal of leadership is to treat people fairly, and it is. You should also know, however, that many bosses and teachers and parents have big blind spots, particularly those who take great pride in being fair and encouraging you to speak your mind.

The second lesson is to beware of men who talk a big game about how much they support women, because, odds are, these men like to talk a big game about everything; if it’s not feminism, it’s their supreme fishing skills or their golf game. Talk, as you’ve learned, is cheap, which is exactly how he’s made you feel.

Then again, feelings don’t hold such a high premium, either, so don’t use them as an excuse to keep looking for answers.

Of course, you have a right to feel hurt, angry, and disappointed, but those feelings will cause you trouble if you express them. You thought you were knocking yourself out for someone who could unselfishly encourage your career. Now you know better.

Asking why is just another way of trying to control something you can’t, and asking twice means you don’t want to accept that fact. Life is unfair, mentor is actually a blowhard misogynist.

This brings us to the third and most valuable lesson, which is what to look for in a mentor, a major, worthwhile goal for the business school of real life. While it’s reasonable to make the most of a mentorship, remember that it has its limits, and work is just work. Don’t make it your goal to please a mentor. Instead, meet your own standards on the job, appreciate support when you get it, and remember that work is just work.

You’re trying to get ahead, but you’re also trying to build a boundary around work that protects your from taking it too personally. It’s a job, not a fairyland, and you’re not a princess that needs a mentor to save you. Be your own damn hero and slay those paychecks every week. The End.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a coaching statement to start your workday. “It’s time I relied on my own observations to readjust my expectations at work. It’s disappointing that I must disregard what others have promised me but it’s good that I have a clear vision of my own. I won’t let negative feelings interfere with the next step, which is to find the best way to make a living, given the opportunities available.”

A few years ago, a friend proposed to join me on a business venture. She had great networking skills and drive, but I had the ideas and business know-how, so she thought, and I agreed, that our chemistry would be a good fit. Well, after a couple of years into working together, things started to fall apart, because, as many ideas as I had and as good as she was at making contacts, our work styles were just too different, and we weren’t having enough success to continue. I thought she felt the same way—she seemed just as frustrated as I was—but instead, when I suggested that we down-grade our partnership, she was furious at me for what she felt was a personal betrayal. I tried to make it clear that it wasn’t personal, but she wasn’t hearing it, and it wasn’t long before she stopped talking to me entirely. What bothers me as much as the loss of our friendship is that I’m fairly certain she’s stolen a lot my ideas, taking sole credit and passing them off as her own, and I was too trusting to protect myself legally, and I fear she’s too vengeful to be reasonable. Is there any way to get her to be reasonable, or am I just screwed?

If a jilted ex-partner were just feeling mad and hurt, then trying to get them to act reasonably when they feel screwed is a do-able goal. You can expect that, after a while, they’ll remember the good times and what’s in their best interest, and civility will return. But that’s often hoping for too much since feelings, not reason, are steering the ship.

When someone feels terribly wronged, on the other hand, they’re willing to cut off their noses to spite their face because the world won’t be right again until you’re brought down. Letting them know you need anything from them does little more than tell them where you’re most vulnerable. They don’t want to negotiate, they want to destroy.

If you can pretend not to care that much about your ideas, and if you can persuade her that it’s in her interest to sign an agreement about them, then maybe she will. If you show her you would be very upset to see her steal your ideas, then you’re basically handing her a loaded gun.

If you look back, you probably had good reason to know that she’s oversensitive and vindictive. It’s understandable if you believe in ignoring the faults of friends, but that belief shouldn’t cross over to business partners.

In spite of the emotional firestorm, keep your feelings to yourself. Consult a lawyer and check out your options and how much they’ll cost. Then play your cards, if you have any.

If you don’t, you don’t, but when you’re dealing with someone who’s out for blood, it’s better to accept defeat up front than to enter into a war that will leave you absolutely destroyed in the long run.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a positive answer to the internal voice that wails “I’ve been screwed.” “I’ve gained much from this partnership and not the least is a greater appreciation of the risks of being screwed. I won’t let negative feelings get in the way of my doing more work and, if necessary, finding a better partnership.”