Valentine Override

Posted by fxckfeelings on February 15, 2010

As Valentine’s weekend comes to a close and the Holiday Death Triangle of Christmas-New Year’s-Valentine’s once again completes its cycle of horror, it’s time to reassess what makes relationships last. Sometimes Mr. Right doesn’t have a connection with you that makes you see fireworks, while a connection with Mrs. Wrong does make you see fireworks, but only after her left hook connects with your face (and your family disconnects from your life). Valentine’s Day might be about love, but there’s a reason why good relationships last for years and Valentine’s haunts our lives but once a year.
–Dr. Lastname

I’m in my mid-30s, about to have my first child with my husband of about a year. My husband is a solid guy—he’s steady, and very caring—but deep down, I know a big reason I married him is because I wasn’t getting any younger and wanted to start a family. I dated a guy in law school that I was really in love with, but he was a lot older, made it clear he never wanted kids, and was your basic passionate, unavailable nightmare. I admit, I’m hormonal, which means my husband’s been getting on my nerves a lot lately, which just makes me obsess more and more about how I’ve settled for a life without love. My goal is to figure out how to get through the next stage of my life and live with my decision.

Don’t get superficial and compare the Valentine’s Day smiles at the next bistro table to your current mood and nostalgic memories of past lovers. In my experience, finding the love of your life isn’t too difficult, but finding a good partner is a real pain in the ass.

By “good partner,” I don’t mean someone you’re crazy about, under any and all circumstances, forever and ever, amen. I mean someone who is strong, easy to live and work with, accepts you during your weaker and less likeable moments, communicates on your wavelength, and picks up the load when you can’t. As well as someone whom you can put up with most of the time.

If you think two Harvard degrees have made me too selective (or obnoxious) to encounter lots of likely candidates, my patients tell me the same thing, including those with friendly, engaging personalities and dazzling beauty (they still have to see a shrink, after all).

As I’ve said before to other people seeking romantic advice, don’t yearn for someone you can talk to or someone who makes you feel special; those needs can be met by a good hairdresser. You describe your husband as “steady” and “caring,” which is worth more than the best of hair days.

Just as positive feelings can make you lose sight of what’s important in a relationship, negative feelings become dangerous when they cause you to devalue an otherwise good partnership. You can get negative because you’re a grump, or hormonal, or irritated by your partner’s less-than-perfect behavior, or because you ate too many turnips. Having those feelings, however, doesn’t mean you have to take them seriously.

If you think your relationship has become empty and meaningless because you can’t find a twinge of love, then negative feelings have made you forget what’s important. What’s important is not romantic advice, because romance is not what partnership is about. As you begin this next stage of life, that will become abundantly clear.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a reminder to help you fight the love-sick, sick love, Valentine’s Day blues. “As much as I love love, my goal is a family that has emotional and financial security. I’ve chosen carefully and we’re off to a good start. I wish there was more positive feeling and less bickering today, but I think we’ll be good at working and living together and managing the challenges of raising kids and dealing with setbacks, so we’re on the right course.”

I know my girlfriend’s a little unstable, believe me—I’m the one she stabbed twice with a steak knife (seriously). We broke up for a while, but after she came to me a few weeks after the incident full of remorse and apology, I had to take her back, because, even though she can be a freak, I have more fun with her than any other person alive. She’s the most exciting, dynamic woman, so, even though she sometimes flips out, I put up with it for all the times she’s just being a blast and making me stupid happy. I told my mom I was thinking of asking her to marry me, and my mom almost had a heart attack. I know we’re young (I’m 19) and that she really went overboard that one time, but I love the crazy bitch. My goal is to get the girl of my dreams, even if she sort of tried to kill me.

I’m not going to tell you that you’re crazy, or make waking-up-with-missing-anatomy jokes, because that’s what all your friends are doing, and maybe it’s not the way love feels to you.

Love can feel unselfish, like the joy of giving and helping and making a better world and having sex all mixed together, so it may feel meaningful to you, rather than just one big thrill.

On the other hand, I may be overestimating you. You may be the sort of guy who just wants to be stupid happy. That common expression is a most apt term in this case, and boy, will you be both (although more “stupid” than “happy” in the long run.

Maybe you think love will cure her problems. Unfortunately, love’s power is in what it makes people feel, not in changing their characters. It won’t make your girlfriend’s temper go away, at least not for long.

If anything, love makes needy people worse. It’s like heroin; the more they get, the more they need, the more they’re convinced you’ll never give them enough, the more they hate you for controlling them.

Maybe you want to believe that she wouldn’t get crazy if you could be more available, find the right words, and demonstrate your true love. That might be the plot of at least a couple of Drew Barrymore’s mid-career films, but it’s not what’s going to happen to you or any poor sucker in real life.

The good news is that love will make you very happy. The bad news is that you’ll be lucky to get away without third degree burns.

The other good news, while you may not take comfort in it, is that young men like you have been drawn to unstable women for centuries (a few of whom have written in the past). These unions aren’t totally without worth; after all, if it weren’t for gullible male/temperamental female pairings, we wouldn’t have tattoo removal technology, reality television stars, or so many girls named Amber.

Listen to your mom, however, and avoid being a part of that breeding statistic and put aside your wishful thinking. If love makes her crazy, ask yourself whether your love is really doing her a favor, and if this is a favor you want to commit to for the rest of your life.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement you’d be wise to deliver. “Our love feels wonderful and there are times when it brings out the best in both of us, but I think it also stirs up feelings that can’t be controlled and that could ruin our lives. What’s most important to me is not how good it feels to be with you, but what will do you and me the most good in the long run, and that’s why we need to walk away.”