Daughter Dearest

Posted by fxckfeelings on February 11, 2010

Parents instinctually want to protect their children from distress, but that doesn’t mean that help will do any good; some kids run to their parents in a panic at every loud noise, some kids are too thick to even know they’re in trouble. Either way, it’s the parents who have to be more practical than sentimental before they jump in. If only more people did that before they decided to have kids in the first place, I’d have a lot less business.
–Dr. Lastname

My daughter drove me and my husband crazy the other day. She’s a great kid who does very well in school, but at the beginning of every term she calls us up in great distress to tell us she can’t figure out what courses to take because the ones she really wants to take aren’t available and it’s impossible to make a decision about the others. So she did it again, and, as always, when we asked about the courses and made recommendations, she told us we were doing nothing but making her more confused and then broke off the conversation. I talked to my wife and she agrees we were careful to listen and we weren’t overbearing. P.S., the next day my daughter made up her mind and found a perfectly good group of courses to take, as usual. How can we help her get less distraught and see that we’re just trying to help?

Nobody wants their child to be in pain or agony, but it’s important to ask yourself whether it’s important if your daughter is…distraught.

Yes, her panic hurts her and it hurts you, but life is pain, pain is often unavoidable, and it’s not getting in her way, so why make it more important than it has to be?

It’s hard not to come running when a kid is crying, but this is a situation that’s familiar, always turns out well, and can’t be helped with a band-aid and a kiss on the boo-boo.

If you focus on the crying, you’ll think negative, ruin an evening, and wind up writing to me. If you ignore it, you can be happy that her anguished way works for her and that there’s nothing you need do because there’s nothing you can do.

What’s wrong here is that you and your wife are caring, sensitive parents who don’t know how to turn yourselves off and stop your helping instincts. Yes, it’s shameful, but you’ve got to fess up if you want to recover.

What’s also wrong here is that your daughter is also sensitive and perhaps a little neurotic; if her decisions end up being smart, then her difficulty making them is annoying, but not too problematic. Poor thing, she thinks too much. There are worse things.

That’s always a big bad news/good news fact of life. When there’s nothing you can do, there’s nothing you hafta do. So you’re free to go. Consider this your “get out of tantrum” card. Do not pass go, do not pay tuition.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a standard statement to address your guiltiest feelings/her nastiest accusation. “I hate to see you worry, but you always seem to make good decisions in the end. Maybe your decision-making process requires a burst of adrenaline. Or maybe you can try something more methodical, by creating a list of possibilities and scoring the pros and cons. In any case, I’m not going to hang around and make suggestions because that doesn’t help. So good luck and see you later.”

I knew it was going to happen. My daughter drifts through life, smoking pot and spending more than she makes at a go-nowhere job, and now she’s got herself accidentally pregnant with this guy who’s also going nowhere and she wants to return home and have the baby. I don’t enjoy doing childcare and I’m angry as hell, but I can’t leave her and a grandchild out in the cold. I’m worried, and, of course, she isn’t. My goal is to figure out how to get her moving so that I don’t have to raise another kid, and another and another.

You can’t help worrying, because parents are always responsible for creating a safety net for their kids, and you worry more when you’ve got a kid who’s too dumb to worry (see: the opposite of our overthinker above).

You probably can’t get her to see things differently—if she’s blind to certain things, she’s blind (or maybe less blind, more dumb). Her new-found dependence, however, allows you to push her in healthier directions, whether she appreciates your efforts or not.

You can’t get her to self-start or think about her future, so avoid that kind of goal because it will just make you tired and bitter. If you accept her limited understanding, however, you can pressure her to improve her behavior.

Put conditions on her homecoming that will promote independence and self-discipline. Insist on a certain amount of work, rent, savings, chores, and/or clean samples of pee (or maybe just a clean room to start).

If she refuses, find her an alternative living situation, like a shelter, that will be safe enough if not as comfy as home. Don’t punish her, but don’t try to make her happy. Give her conditions that push her to get going, not towards intelligence, just towards the door of her own house.

STATEMENT:
State your house rules without anger or blame. “If you’re going to have a baby, you will need to develop your strengths as a mother and wage-earner. Your mother and I will make sure you and the baby are safe for as long as we have resources, but we won’t be around forever, so our goal is to help you become as strong and self-reliant as possible. If you want to live here, you’ll need to give us a certain amount of money to pay for rent, child-care and, possibly, savings. We’ll help you take courses that improve your marketability. We’ll need to see clean urines weekly. If you want us to babysit when you’re not working, it may cost extra. If you don’t want to live with us, we’ll direct you to an alternative such as a shelter. Let us know what you’d like to do.”