Out of Love, In Deep Sh*t

Posted by fxckfeelings on January 25, 2010

If you hate someone or something for reasons beyond your control, then those feelings are, in essence, beyond your control, so resistence is essentially futile. Hating something is one thing, but then feeling guilty for hating, then angry for feeling guilty, depressed for feeling angry…so it goes down the feelings spiral, down the emotional toilet.
–Dr. Lastname

When I broke up with my girlfriend, I felt like I didn’t have a choice; she was smothering me, she made me feel guilty and like a bad person all the time, and I just couldn’t take care of her anymore. We’d been together for a relatively long time and I had reached the end of my rope (she’d even started hitting me and breaking things in our apartment). The problem is now that I feel even worse because, in the months since I ended it and she moved out, she’s started getting high a lot and has threatened to kill herself more than once. If she goes through with it, I don’t know what I’ll do with myself. My goal is to feel less awful about breaking up with her (which I did to feel less awful).

As a not-sociopath, you can’t feel less than awful about your ex-girlfriend’s drugging, depression, and self-destruction.

It’s the feeling responsible, as well as awful, that will not only do nothing to help her recovery, but will also turn your sorrow into well-entrenched, call-the-doctor depression. So…Dr. Lastname here, how can I help you?

You might think it’s good to take responsibility for the feelings of those you love; it’s a necessity if there’s something you really need to do for someone who’s helpless, like a kid or an invalid, or if you’ve done something wrong to cause those feelings.

On the other hand, life is hard for everyone, and most of the pain you’ll cause others is not something you or they control. Assuming responsibility for that pain is a way of pretending you could control it and make it right, which is a false hope that will prevent you and her from moving on.

Also, if you take responsibility for pain you can’t help, you’ll wind up blaming others and getting nasty, which will cause pain that you actually are responsible for, and then things get truly impossible.

The bad things she’s done and is doing (for love of you) are not your fault, but they’re not her fault, either. What they are are her problem, and, sad fact, your love seems to make it worse.

So don’t let guilty feelings affect your beliefs and don’t express them when you communicate with her, assuming that you do communicate, even if it’s with a look or through friends. You can’t stop feeling guilt, but you can stop guilt from controlling your actions. Stop feeling responsible, so you can stop calling on people like me.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement that pushes both of you to make the best of a sad situation while killing any hope that guilt will ever bring you back together. “We’ve both tried everything to make our love work and it can’t and now it’s time for us to move on. We’re both sad and it’s too easy to think about what either of us could have or should have done but that’s a dangerous, negative direction to go in. We both need support and nurturing, from ourselves and our friends, while we pick up the pieces, learn valuable lessons, and start a new life.”

My daughter is just starting high school. She’s had emotional problems since she was a toddler, and her current diagnosis is OCD (eating disorder, cutting, wild mood swings…it’s a mess). My wife is very easy-going with her, but also doesn’t really set any rules or limits, and I end up being the bad cop all the time. Having a teenage daughter is supposed to be hard for anyone, but as the only enforcer trying to take care of a girl with a bunch of problems I can’t understand, I’m in hell. At this point, as much as I hate to admit it, I hate my daughter—she’s impossible, angry, and just mean—and I’m jealous of how easily my wife gets along with her, and angry that she makes it my job to do all the discipline, and my feelings are an ugly mess. My goal is to love my daughter, like any normal dad.

While it may make you feel like shit, it’s not a sin to hate your daughter; it’s hard to feel warm and fuzzy all the time for an adolescent who’s probably rather verbal (and maybe physical) about how much she hates you—but it is a sin to be mean to her, and your feelings sure make it painful to be her dad.

Parenting under these circumstances is about as hard as it gets—it’s extreme parenting. You don’t need to bungee off any cliffs to encounter a day full of high suspense and drama, not knowing whether you’ll keep your behavior under control (hers, of course, you won’t).

This bad chemistry problem happens a lot to adoptive parents who have less familial experience with the kind of temperaments their kids present to them (no good deed goes unpunished). You’re one of the lucky biological parents to get stuck in this situation.

The pain of having no warm feelings and being angry much of the time is horrible, but feeling responsible for those feelings is much worse, so don’t.

You don’t hate her because you like to hate, but because of many factors over which you have zero control, including your daughter’s temperament, your wife’s personality, and your own reflexes. This isn’t your kind of kid, so you’re responsible only for making the best of it, and keeping her alive and safe.

Put your guilt aside, and you can applaud yourself for the hard job you’re doing and be more inventive about it. Nope, your goal isn’t to have positive feelings for your daughter (although you can still hope it will happen someday, and, honestly, I’ve seen it work out that way). It’s to do a good job of parenting someone you don’t like—that’s what defines a true professional—and respect yourself for doing a hard job under beyond-Mountain-Dew-level “extreme” circumstances.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement to draw the line on guilt-provoking accusations, whether emanating from you, a therapist or, after intensive psychotherapy, your daughter. “There’s nothing I value more than being a good, warm parent, but we have to play the cards we’re dealt, our personalities are not a great match, and it causes both of us lots of pain. I don’t apologize and neither should you, because I think we both do a good job of keeping that pain under control. I do lots of good parenting, in spite of those negative feelings, and they haven’t stopped you from having a good relationship with your mom and doing many good things, so I think we’re doing well, all things considered.”